How to tell these parents I can’t help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your problem, OP, is not that you can’t do it, but that you don’t feel like doing it (but you don’t want to cone right out and tell them that because you don’t want them to think you’re a jerk).

Just be honest and then don’t expect any favors, ever, from these people going forward. I wouldn’t be surprised of they just completely write you off, but it’s your choice.

Because she can’t commit to babysitting for an unknown amount of time every morning for an unknown number of weeks while she’s trying to get herself and her own child ready for the day? Asking for a day or two is a reasonable ask from “the village” but that’s not what’s happening here.

Letting a kid who is fully ready for school hang out in your living room for a few minutes and then tag along with you and your own kid on the journey you were going to take anyway is hardly babysitting. These kids go to school, we’re not talking about infants and toddlers here. Ya’ll are so dramatic.

If the kids act like brats OP can (extremely justifiably) tell the parents that she won’t be taking them anymore because of the kids’ behavior, not because it is just SO HARD to literally do no extra work other than opening her freaking door in the morning.

Yes, it is babysitting and a bit ask as its hugly disruptive. Drop off your own kids.

Land the helicopter, mom. Your 8 year old is okay by themselves in a different part of the house from you for a little while, I promise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your problem, OP, is not that you can’t do it, but that you don’t feel like doing it (but you don’t want to cone right out and tell them that because you don’t want them to think you’re a jerk).

Just be honest and then don’t expect any favors, ever, from these people going forward. I wouldn’t be surprised of they just completely write you off, but it’s your choice.

Because she can’t commit to babysitting for an unknown amount of time every morning for an unknown number of weeks while she’s trying to get herself and her own child ready for the day? Asking for a day or two is a reasonable ask from “the village” but that’s not what’s happening here.

Letting a kid who is fully ready for school hang out in your living room for a few minutes and then tag along with you and your own kid on the journey you were going to take anyway is hardly babysitting. These kids go to school, we’re not talking about infants and toddlers here. Ya’ll are so dramatic.

If the kids act like brats OP can (extremely justifiably) tell the parents that she won’t be taking them anymore because of the kids’ behavior, not because it is just SO HARD to literally do no extra work other than opening her freaking door in the morning.

Yes, it is babysitting and a bit ask as its hugly disruptive. Drop off your own kids.

Land the helicopter, mom. Your 8 year old is okay by themselves in a different part of the house from you for a little while, I promise.

It’s not my kid, it’s your kid to who, you’re demanding free babysitting and driving.

[Anonymous]

Yeah this is the sort of thing I would do as a one off no problem but indefinitely every day? No way

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your problem, OP, is not that you can’t do it, but that you don’t feel like doing it (but you don’t want to cone right out and tell them that because you don’t want them to think you’re a jerk).

Just be honest and then don’t expect any favors, ever, from these people going forward. I wouldn’t be surprised of they just completely write you off, but it’s your choice.

Because she can’t commit to babysitting for an unknown amount of time every morning for an unknown number of weeks while she’s trying to get herself and her own child ready for the day? Asking for a day or two is a reasonable ask from “the village” but that’s not what’s happening here.

Letting a kid who is fully ready for school hang out in your living room for a few minutes and then tag along with you and your own kid on the journey you were going to take anyway is hardly babysitting. These kids go to school, we’re not talking about infants and toddlers here. Ya’ll are so dramatic.

If the kids act like brats OP can (extremely justifiably) tell the parents that she won’t be taking them anymore because of the kids’ behavior, not because it is just SO HARD to literally do no extra work other than opening her freaking door in the morning.

Yes, it is babysitting and a bit ask as its hugly disruptive. Drop off your own kids.

Land the helicopter, mom. Your 8 year old is okay by themselves in a different part of the house from you for a little while, I promise.

It’s not my kid, it’s your kid to who, you’re demanding free babysitting and driving.

Ask and demand aren’t synonyms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your problem, OP, is not that you can’t do it, but that you don’t feel like doing it (but you don’t want to cone right out and tell them that because you don’t want them to think you’re a jerk).

Just be honest and then don’t expect any favors, ever, from these people going forward. I wouldn’t be surprised of they just completely write you off, but it’s your choice.

Because she can’t commit to babysitting for an unknown amount of time every morning for an unknown number of weeks while she’s trying to get herself and her own child ready for the day? Asking for a day or two is a reasonable ask from “the village” but that’s not what’s happening here.

Letting a kid who is fully ready for school hang out in your living room for a few minutes and then tag along with you and your own kid on the journey you were going to take anyway is hardly babysitting. These kids go to school, we’re not talking about infants and toddlers here. Ya’ll are so dramatic.

If the kids act like brats OP can (extremely justifiably) tell the parents that she won’t be taking them anymore because of the kids’ behavior, not because it is just SO HARD to literally do no extra work other than opening her freaking door in the morning.

Terrible idea, why would it be easier to tell someone you can't help because their kid is rotten or is a bad example. Much easier to say no from the beginning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your problem, OP, is not that you can’t do it, but that you don’t feel like doing it (but you don’t want to cone right out and tell them that because you don’t want them to think you’re a jerk).

Just be honest and then don’t expect any favors, ever, from these people going forward. I wouldn’t be surprised of they just completely write you off, but it’s your choice.

Because she can’t commit to babysitting for an unknown amount of time every morning for an unknown number of weeks while she’s trying to get herself and her own child ready for the day? Asking for a day or two is a reasonable ask from “the village” but that’s not what’s happening here.

Letting a kid who is fully ready for school hang out in your living room for a few minutes and then tag along with you and your own kid on the journey you were going to take anyway is hardly babysitting. These kids go to school, we’re not talking about infants and toddlers here. Ya’ll are so dramatic.

If the kids act like brats OP can (extremely justifiably) tell the parents that she won’t be taking them anymore because of the kids’ behavior, not because it is just SO HARD to literally do no extra work other than opening her freaking door in the morning.

Yes, it is babysitting and a bit ask as its hugly disruptive. Drop off your own kids.

Land the helicopter, mom. Your 8 year old is okay by themselves in a different part of the house from you for a little while, I promise.

It’s not my kid, it’s your kid to who, you’re demanding free babysitting and driving.

Ask and demand aren’t synonyms.

It’s rude to ask. Very entitled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(Open with sympathy and how much the school sucks)

So, I actually work from home and I have a very short window of time that I'm able to run out and drop DS (if you want, insert something about having lots of meetings or a micromanaging boss). I usually barely manage to drop him off before the bell. If I had to add another child, I'm not confident I could get them there on time. I really wish I could help!

That is WAY too wordy and you don't owe anyone a reason why your answer is no. Plus, if you give one that gives people encouragement to problem solve. Just say no.

PP. I get that, but if I wanted to maintain good social relationships with these people, I'd give some kind of reason, even if a less wordy one.

No, if you want to maintain a relationship then you should help your friends when they need help. You want the benefits of a friendship without the commitment/follow through.

Yup—OP you don’t have a real reason why you can’t help other than “don’t want to.” If they are dropped off at your house, it adds no time to take extra kids. So, there’s no reason to give. Just say “no” and they will see what your relationship is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So could the kids get dropped off at your house and walk together to school? I’d do it if the situation is temporary. Sounds like they’re trying to hire more bus drivers.

I’d hate to say flat out no and all of a sudden find that my kid wasn’t being invited to birthday parties and such.

Yeah I don’t get this one. You live a few blocks away so you walk, right? Can’t you all walk together? I’m confused.

I think the issue is these parents will drop them off at their convenience and then OP is responsible for looking after the kids and waiting until everyone shows up, while she's dealing with her own morning routine and possibly has already logged into work. And then same thing in the afternoon when she waits for the kids to be picked up.

Yep I can see this. If parents arrived promptly at 7:40AM and 3:10PM (whatever exact time I arrive and leave anyway) then fine. But you know it won’t work that way and will end up waiting around for someone late, being forced to chat with someone who is early, or forced to chat at pickup when you don’t have time etc. If there was a polite way to word all of THAT, I’d be fine with walking them with us. I don’t know what that would be….”yes but we are on a VERY tight schedule and need to leave exactly at 7:40 and I need you here waiting by the time we return at 3:10. And sorry but I can’t spare time to chat- work obligations that I am barley managing as it is. I’d that works I can do it” But would they actually respect that? Who knows .

Edited to add: and how long will it be before “could I drop Larlo off a little early tomorrow? I have an early meeting” or vice versa in the afternoon….

Yep!

“Sorry, I can’t.”

That’s a terrible bus situation and I hope it is resolved soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(Open with sympathy and how much the school sucks)

So, I actually work from home and I have a very short window of time that I'm able to run out and drop DS (if you want, insert something about having lots of meetings or a micromanaging boss). I usually barely manage to drop him off before the bell. If I had to add another child, I'm not confident I could get them there on time. I really wish I could help!

That is WAY too wordy and you don't owe anyone a reason why your answer is no. Plus, if you give one that gives people encouragement to problem solve. Just say no.

PP. I get that, but if I wanted to maintain good social relationships with these people, I'd give some kind of reason, even if a less wordy one.

No, if you want to maintain a relationship then you should help your friends when they need help. You want the benefits of a friendship without the commitment/follow through.

Yup—OP you don’t have a real reason why you can’t help other than “don’t want to.” If they are dropped off at your house, it adds no time to take extra kids. So, there’s no reason to give. Just say “no” and they will see what your relationship is.

It's interesting to me that people like you think a "real reason" must show some logistical challenge or consequence. "Doesn't want to" can't be a real reason because it's too squishy, right?

The thing is, I highly value my morning routine with my kid. Our house is calm and joyful in the morning. We are not in a rush because we've set our lives up (WFH, walkable commute to school, one kid) intentionally to keep things chill. Breakfast and the walk to school are a time when my kid talks openly with me and we connect.

I don't think I should have to explain that to anyone in order to avoid having what I like about my mornings ruined by extra obligations and more people in the house. But I also think this is a "real" reason not to do it. Just a private and personal one.

[Anonymous]

If you don’t want to do it, then just say no. But understand you’re missing a chance to make a connection that is helpful to someone else who could be helpful to you later.

We went through a similar situation with no busing a couple of years ago. After starting as an indefinite amount of time, it ended up being about 6 weeks before they got it fully restored. It sucked.

I wfh and lost over an hour of work time between drop off and pickups. I found another neighborhood mom to share the burden. She worked shifts, so I definitely drove her kid more than mine, but she did it some. Two years later, we have kids in the same activity and we carpool all the time. My schedule has changed and she drives more than I do. I’m not sure we would be carpooling now if we hadn’t established the earlier relationship.

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids? Can they just chill outside on your porch if you have one and read a book until it’s time to go? Inviting them in is disruptive but if they can all just walk with you, why not? I’d offer that - kids should come at x time and if they’re there early they have to wait outside with a book - and on rainy days their own parents must drive them.

Pickup is harder. I’d say no to that entirely unless it works for you or the kids can walk home on their own from your house. (Unless you’re certain the parents would pick them up from your house at exactly the time you specify)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your problem, OP, is not that you can’t do it, but that you don’t feel like doing it (but you don’t want to cone right out and tell them that because you don’t want them to think you’re a jerk).

Just be honest and then don’t expect any favors, ever, from these people going forward. I wouldn’t be surprised of they just completely write you off, but it’s your choice.

Because she can’t commit to babysitting for an unknown amount of time every morning for an unknown number of weeks while she’s trying to get herself and her own child ready for the day? Asking for a day or two is a reasonable ask from “the village” but that’s not what’s happening here.

Letting a kid who is fully ready for school hang out in your living room for a few minutes and then tag along with you and your own kid on the journey you were going to take anyway is hardly babysitting. These kids go to school, we’re not talking about infants and toddlers here. Ya’ll are so dramatic.

If the kids act like brats OP can (extremely justifiably) tell the parents that she won’t be taking them anymore because of the kids’ behavior, not because it is just SO HARD to literally do no extra work other than opening her freaking door in the morning.

Terrible idea, why would it be easier to tell someone you can't help because their kid is rotten or is a bad example. Much easier to say no from the beginning.

Or you could tell the parents you can try it for a week and see how it goes. It gives the parents another week to work on their longer term solution. It gives you an out if it doesn’t work for you. Lay out the ground rules. They can’t be there until X time. You’ll be working until it’s time to leave the house, your DC will be getting ready and Larlo will need to sit quietly on the couch reading or something. Set the same afternoon expectations. Most parents are really appreciative.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the others, no reason. Just a firm, I’m sorry but I won’t be able to do it.

I’m a SAHM and I wouldn’t want to do this either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids? Can they just chill outside on your porch if you have one and read a book until it’s time to go? Inviting them in is disruptive but if they can all just walk with you, why not? I’d offer that - kids should come at x time and if they’re there early they have to wait outside with a book - and on rainy days their own parents must drive them.

Pickup is harder. I’d say no to that entirely unless it works for you or the kids can walk home on their own from your house. (Unless you’re certain the parents would pick them up from your house at exactly the time you specify)

The kid could also just hang out at the school by the door if they are a few minutes early. The problem is likely, they will be a lot more than a few minutes early and I’m sure OP would feel guilty about making them wait on the porch for 30 min. She will feel obligated to have the come in and yes, that would be disruptive to her own morning and trying to get she stuff in order

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your problem, OP, is not that you can’t do it, but that you don’t feel like doing it (but you don’t want to cone right out and tell them that because you don’t want them to think you’re a jerk).

Just be honest and then don’t expect any favors, ever, from these people going forward. I wouldn’t be surprised of they just completely write you off, but it’s your choice.

Because she can’t commit to babysitting for an unknown amount of time every morning for an unknown number of weeks while she’s trying to get herself and her own child ready for the day? Asking for a day or two is a reasonable ask from “the village” but that’s not what’s happening here.

Letting a kid who is fully ready for school hang out in your living room for a few minutes and then tag along with you and your own kid on the journey you were going to take anyway is hardly babysitting. These kids go to school, we’re not talking about infants and toddlers here. Ya’ll are so dramatic.

If the kids act like brats OP can (extremely justifiably) tell the parents that she won’t be taking them anymore because of the kids’ behavior, not because it is just SO HARD to literally do no extra work other than opening her freaking door in the morning.

Yeah this would be age dependent for me. I also WFH and walk my kids to school. The older the kids, the less I’d care about them tagging along. I would say no to watching kindergarteners— but 4th graders? Why not.

This is a good point. If kids are at least 2nd/3rd grade and fairly responsible I’d probably say they’re welcome to come play outside with my kids beginning at X time and we are leaving at Y time. I’d offer maybe a 10 min window. But not for 5/6 year olds or kids with any behavioral issues (I say this as a mom of a kid with ADHD so I know how mornings can be with them).

Also I say outdoors because I wouldn’t want several kids inside first thing in the am. My house isn’t huge and we’re usually trying to clean up from breakfast and get things tidied up (I don’t like to WAH in a mess). Kids inside = they may start pulling out toys, plus now I’m dealing with supervising kids taking shoes off and putting them back on in since we ask kids to leave shoes by the door. Not to mention if they get engrossed in an activity in our playroom I’m now the adult who has to yank them away from the fun activity to go to school (easier with some friends than others).

But if you’re okay with them hanging in my front yard/porch with supervision through a window then they can walk with us.