ASD and Empty Nesting-Accepting the Relationship With Your Child is Not the One You Wanted

[Anonymous]

My vote is Troll thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Well, this turned ugly, of course.
I checked in with my husband and MOTHER because both of them have talked to her. I also don’t demonize my child, if that’s how it appeared. I love her more than anything and am extremely proud of her. I just don’t understand how to communicate with her and that feels painful.

I couldn’t take it and broke down this morning and texted her and told her I was very hurt and scared to lose her. She said she was sorry and didn’t mean to hurt me, had class and could we talk later. I said of course. This doesn’t solve the problem but at least I don’t feel like my heart is being ripped out.

I’m not borderline but do have tendencies, and feeling unsure about where I stand in relationships certainly brings out those feelings. I was in therapy for a long time myself. Just like autism, it is not a bad word but can certainly cause relationship issues.

I’m going to leave now because the really nasty people have come out. Not sure where I’m going with this other than back to therapy to try and see if I can find a healthy way to move forward.

Hurt feelings are a choice. Having your heart ripped out is a bit dramatic, and we’ve all been there, but your kid isn’t responsible for fixing your feelings, especially during the very fraught time of freshman year. Talk to your spouse, friends, therapist.

Hurt feelings are not a choice. How you respond to your feelings is your choice. Parentifying a college student ain't it tho.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SPCD is not ASD, which one is it?

It was explained to us at the time that Asperger’s was no longer a diagnosis. They met the social difficulty part of ASD and sensory issues but not repetitive behaviors. Diagnosis was SPCD. This was around age 9.

Has she had a neuropsych test since then, since age 9?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I just wanted to clarify. It’s not ME that doesn’t accept the diagnosis. It’s my kid. We never hid it from her. But we also didn’t talk about it that much, and honestly we weren’t given a lot of guidance or help. She was switching schools at the time and the doctor thought that would probably help with making friends.

At the time, it didn’t manifest as something really problematic. As long as she had a few friends, she was good. It was only as she got older and social stuff became more complicated that it started to become more of an issue and by that time she was very resistant to the idea.

Also, as much as I love our pediatrician, he was aware of this and never suggested any help. She was in therapy. We did family therapy. But she wouldn’t talk. She saw another therapist this summer on her own for anxiety and the therapist saw her 3 times and said she was ok and dismissed her. She was 18 by that point.

There is another major issue here I don’t want to discuss on DCUM possibly related to ASD. Some parents familiar with it may know. But it caused us to seek out a second opinion and it turned out that by that age (around 16) it’s not as easy to find help in determining exactly what is going on. It had a big effect on how she related to me rather than her father. I don’t mean to be vague but it’s controversial and I would only discuss with other parents who have been in the same shoes.

Anyway, this is getting me defensive because of course every situation is unique and there is no way to understand a particular dynamic. I’m sure I’m to blame for some of it.

I did not cut her off for the semester. She has fall break in early October. So, I basically said let’s talk in a month while I figure out a way to have a relationship with you (on my side) that won’t feel like I’m pushing but also doesn’t make me sad.

I specifically said this wasn’t a punishment and that I didn’t expect any kind of apology. I actually apologized for things I thought I may have done wrong. I just didn’t want to say call me whenever you want, because I suspected there wouldn’t be much contact and that would make me sadder. It was easier to not expect any contact. She also can talk to her dad at any time, with whom she has a less complicated relationship. As far as I know, she’s texted him once.

Anyway, thank you for the kind advice from most people. I’m thinking a lot. Thinking about where I am going wrong, have gone wrong, how to have a low conflict relationship with her, how to give up control—because I have advocated so much for her—I’m sure that is making it harder to let go. She wasn’t this “normal” kid who was doing all these stereotypically “normal” things as a high schooler. I was the one pushing her to try and go out more and have more of a life and even be a little bad once in a while.

I think I have worried so much, it would be a relief to give up control. Also she has had us doing so much for her, it would be good for her to experience both the positive and negative things about independence.

Did the above incidents result in another neuropsych test? Or just talks and inconclusive?

Just expand your orbit and friend group and hobbies yourself. Don’t ruminate on this, it’s hard stuff and won’t massively change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They would be willing to met and talk with me for asd parenting tools. Btdt.

I did like reading Dr Kathy Marshacks books and she does zoom sessions. Try those for a couple months for some coping tools or until things start repeating. Her meet up groups are robust too- spouses and parents with HfA kids or spouses.

FYI Dr Dan Shapiro here in the WDC area has good classes on parenting difficult kids or may be able to do zoom therapy sessions with you.

He also has occasional Monday zoom lunch sessions for parents on a range of topics, including ASD, ADHD, ASD & gender dysphoria, etc. And parent group zooms.

Check it out and get on his email lists.

[Anonymous]

Reading how OP worded the title in reaction to her child being a little distant as a teen and thinking about family who had issues with rehab and law enforcement and years long estrangement, just...wow

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading how OP worded the title in reaction to her child being a little distant as a teen and thinking about family who had issues with rehab and law enforcement and years long estrangement, just...wow

So?
Yeah, drugs and addictions cause parents to not have the ideal parent/child relationship. So do neurological mental disorders.
Both examples grieve the relationship or child they do not have. This is not uncommon.

[Anonymous]

I'm one of the PPs. You're parentifying your child. The idea of being there for your kid is not The Giving Tree. It's being present and MENTALLY STABLE. A safe haven. A place to return to when needed. A lot of women seem to think they can force men (husbands) and their children into a relationship with them. You cannot. Your internal turmoil is your own problem to solve. Freshman year in college is difficult even for a neurotypical person. NOBODY wants to deal with their parent's meltdowns. Get help!

[Anonymous]

People are being so hard on OP. I’m exhausted by the parentification accusations. OP does not want her daughter to be responsible for her, she wants to be treated with respect and love. That will look different in different families, and particularly if there are mental health, ND, or addiction issues.

The idea that young adults have absolutely no responsibilities to their families, especially their mothers, is not healthy. Of course the college student is primarily focused on that, but they can and should have some kind of respectful communication with parents, and some gratitude for what they receive.

The idea of a mother as someone who is perpetually perfect, meets every need as if a young adult is an infant, and has no feelings even when treated badly is deeply misogynistic. In my other home country we have some work to do with how men view partners (true most places), but there is a basic expectation of respect for mothers.

[Anonymous]

Sure, a mother is not perfect, but this is a classic case of a emotionally needy mother and a young adult who tries to establish boundaries and live THEIR life. Can you imagine starting college with all its challenges and receiving crazy calls/messages from your mom who's having a nervous breakdown, because they cannot handle you moving on? There's nothing misogynistic about viewing adults as safe havens. It's been like this for all of human history -- remember how the elders were the wise?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Well, this turned ugly, of course.
I checked in with my husband and MOTHER because both of them have talked to her. I also don’t demonize my child, if that’s how it appeared. I love her more than anything and am extremely proud of her. I just don’t understand how to communicate with her and that feels painful.

I couldn’t take it and broke down this morning and texted her and told her I was very hurt and scared to lose her. She said she was sorry and didn’t mean to hurt me, had class and could we talk later. I said of course. This doesn’t solve the problem but at least I don’t feel like my heart is being ripped out.

I’m not borderline but do have tendencies, and feeling unsure about where I stand in relationships certainly brings out those feelings. I was in therapy for a long time myself. Just like autism, it is not a bad word but can certainly cause relationship issues.

I’m going to leave now because the really nasty people have come out. Not sure where I’m going with this other than back to therapy to try and see if I can find a healthy way to move forward.

Hurt feelings are a choice. Having your heart ripped out is a bit dramatic, and we’ve all been there, but your kid isn’t responsible for fixing your feelings, especially during the very fraught time of freshman year. Talk to your spouse, friends, therapist.

Hurt feelings are not a choice. How you respond to your feelings is your choice. Parentifying a college student ain't it tho.

Yes, they absolutely are a choice. There's not one event that you could prove in a court of law that universally hurts feelings. It's all subjective. Person A might have hurt feelings because you didn't call, but Person B might not have even noticed. The calling or not calling does not engender a specific response, only your thinking does. But, you're right on your next two claims.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Well, this turned ugly, of course.
I checked in with my husband and MOTHER because both of them have talked to her. I also don’t demonize my child, if that’s how it appeared. I love her more than anything and am extremely proud of her. I just don’t understand how to communicate with her and that feels painful.

I couldn’t take it and broke down this morning and texted her and told her I was very hurt and scared to lose her. She said she was sorry and didn’t mean to hurt me, had class and could we talk later. I said of course. This doesn’t solve the problem but at least I don’t feel like my heart is being ripped out.

I’m not borderline but do have tendencies, and feeling unsure about where I stand in relationships certainly brings out those feelings. I was in therapy for a long time myself. Just like autism, it is not a bad word but can certainly cause relationship issues.

I’m going to leave now because the really nasty people have come out. Not sure where I’m going with this other than back to therapy to try and see if I can find a healthy way to move forward.

Hurt feelings are a choice. Having your heart ripped out is a bit dramatic, and we’ve all been there, but your kid isn’t responsible for fixing your feelings, especially during the very fraught time of freshman year. Talk to your spouse, friends, therapist.

Hurt feelings are not a choice. How you respond to your feelings is your choice. Parentifying a college student ain't it tho.

Yes, they absolutely are a choice. There's not one event that you could prove in a court of law that universally hurts feelings. It's all subjective. Person A might have hurt feelings because you didn't call, but Person B might not have even noticed. The calling or not calling does not engender a specific response, only your thinking does. But, you're right on your next two claims.

lol. You really bothered to write that garbage? About your dream society where there are no manners, social contracts, rules or feelings.

Golly, wonder what black & white, take-everything-literally type of subhuman thinks like that…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Well, this turned ugly, of course.
I checked in with my husband and MOTHER because both of them have talked to her. I also don’t demonize my child, if that’s how it appeared. I love her more than anything and am extremely proud of her. I just don’t understand how to communicate with her and that feels painful.

I couldn’t take it and broke down this morning and texted her and told her I was very hurt and scared to lose her. She said she was sorry and didn’t mean to hurt me, had class and could we talk later. I said of course. This doesn’t solve the problem but at least I don’t feel like my heart is being ripped out.

I’m not borderline but do have tendencies, and feeling unsure about where I stand in relationships certainly brings out those feelings. I was in therapy for a long time myself. Just like autism, it is not a bad word but can certainly cause relationship issues.

I’m going to leave now because the really nasty people have come out. Not sure where I’m going with this other than back to therapy to try and see if I can find a healthy way to move forward.

Hurt feelings are a choice. Having your heart ripped out is a bit dramatic, and we’ve all been there, but your kid isn’t responsible for fixing your feelings, especially during the very fraught time of freshman year. Talk to your spouse, friends, therapist.

Hurt feelings are not a choice. How you respond to your feelings is your choice. Parentifying a college student ain't it tho.

Yes, they absolutely are a choice. There's not one event that you could prove in a court of law that universally hurts feelings. It's all subjective. Person A might have hurt feelings because you didn't call, but Person B might not have even noticed. The calling or not calling does not engender a specific response, only your thinking does. But, you're right on your next two claims.

lol. You really bothered to write that garbage? About your dream society where there are no manners, social contracts, rules or feelings.

Golly, wonder what black & white, take-everything-literally type of subhuman thinks like that…

If you think autistic people are worthless then why do you think OP should care about her DD? She should just write her off right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I either learn how to accept a relationship with my kid the way THEY do relationships—which to me feels very distant and cold. Or? Have no relationship at all? Keep fighting trying to have the close relationship I wish we had. But that hasn’t worked.

Stop fighting to make the relationship you want. That’s like a teen chasing a crush or a friend- you can’t make someone love you or want to spend time with you. That often backfires.
Yes, you can cut them off completely. I don’t really think that will help, you will still grieve the lost connection (little as it may be now - but if you cut off completely, you will be obsessed with wondering what they are doing, who is in their life, etc).
I think now IS a good time to accept the relationship the way your DD does relationships, as distant/cold as you may find it. You are an empty nester - you aren’t dealing with her mood swings daily, or providing all of the loving care in meals/driving/etc - she lives at school & you live at home. Be there for the 1X a semester breakdown call - consider that she wanted to hear YOUR reassurance when she had a dark night. Keep that little thread connected - and then go out & develop yourself as a person. Get your needs met in other ways, other than through DD. You can now pour more of your energy in whatever you find validating - volunteering? Pets? Health/working out? New groups/friends? Look outward & go out & find fulfillment that has nothing to do with DD. Right now you are pinning a lot of your happiness on her treatment of you, which is natural when they are young. But now, time to transition. And everyone has to do this, not just those of us with prickly relationships with our ASD DDs. Most empty nest parents who have centered their lives around their children need to pivot & find new ways to feel fulfilled.
TLDR let go of what you think your relationship should look like. Signed mom of an ASD DD who is living a good life very far from me. We don’t have a lot in common & our idea of closeness is different, & is different from friends who have mini-me daughters. But we both have lives & passions we care about, & can enjoy each other’s company when we talk/get together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Well, this turned ugly, of course.
I checked in with my husband and MOTHER because both of them have talked to her. I also don’t demonize my child, if that’s how it appeared. I love her more than anything and am extremely proud of her. I just don’t understand how to communicate with her and that feels painful.

I couldn’t take it and broke down this morning and texted her and told her I was very hurt and scared to lose her. She said she was sorry and didn’t mean to hurt me, had class and could we talk later. I said of course. This doesn’t solve the problem but at least I don’t feel like my heart is being ripped out.

I’m not borderline but do have tendencies, and feeling unsure about where I stand in relationships certainly brings out those feelings. I was in therapy for a long time myself. Just like autism, it is not a bad word but can certainly cause relationship issues.

I’m going to leave now because the really nasty people have come out. Not sure where I’m going with this other than back to therapy to try and see if I can find a healthy way to move forward.

Hurt feelings are a choice. Having your heart ripped out is a bit dramatic, and we’ve all been there, but your kid isn’t responsible for fixing your feelings, especially during the very fraught time of freshman year. Talk to your spouse, friends, therapist.

Hurt feelings are not a choice. How you respond to your feelings is your choice. Parentifying a college student ain't it tho.

Yes, they absolutely are a choice. There's not one event that you could prove in a court of law that universally hurts feelings. It's all subjective. Person A might have hurt feelings because you didn't call, but Person B might not have even noticed. The calling or not calling does not engender a specific response, only your thinking does. But, you're right on your next two claims.

lol. You really bothered to write that garbage? About your dream society where there are no manners, social contracts, rules or feelings.

Golly, wonder what black & white, take-everything-literally type of subhuman thinks like that…

If you think autistic people are worthless then why do you think OP should care about her DD? She should just write her off right?

It’s fine to want decent manners from a mentally disordered loved one. Absolutely set that boundary. No manners, talk with you next time.

It’s crazy, however, to expect NT behaviors. Accept that that won’t be happening sometimes.