Reply to ASD and Empty Nesting-Accepting the Relationship With Your Child is Not the One You Wanted

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Reply to "ASD and Empty Nesting-Accepting the Relationship With Your Child is Not the One You Wanted"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I either learn how to accept a relationship with my kid the way THEY do relationships—which to me feels very distant and cold. Or? Have no relationship at all? Keep fighting trying to have the close relationship I wish we had. But that hasn’t worked. 
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Stop fighting to make the relationship you want. That’s like a teen chasing a crush or a friend- you can’t make someone love you or want to spend time with you. That often backfires. 
Yes, you can cut them off completely. I don’t really think that will help, you will still grieve the lost connection (little as it may be now - but if you cut off completely, you will be obsessed with wondering what they are doing, who is in their life, etc).
I think now IS a good time to accept the relationship the way your DD does relationships, as distant/cold as you may find it. You are an empty nester - you aren’t dealing with her mood swings daily, or providing all of the loving care in meals/driving/etc - she lives at school & you live at home. Be there for the 1X a semester breakdown call - consider that she wanted to hear YOUR reassurance when she had a dark night. Keep that little thread connected - and then go out & develop yourself as a person. Get your needs met in other ways, other than through DD. You can now pour more of your energy in whatever you find validating - volunteering? Pets? Health/working out? New groups/friends? Look outward & go out & find fulfillment that has nothing to do with DD. Right now you are pinning a lot of your happiness on her treatment of you, which is natural when they are young. But now, time to transition. And everyone has to do this, not just those of us with prickly relationships with our ASD DDs. Most empty nest parents who have centered their lives around their children need to pivot & find new ways to feel fulfilled.
TLDR let go of what you think your relationship should look like. Signed mom of an ASD DD who is living a good life very far from me. We don’t have a lot in common & our idea of closeness is different, & is different from friends who have mini-me daughters. But we both have lives & passions we care about, & can enjoy each other’s company when we talk/get together.

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