Reply to ASD and Empty Nesting-Accepting the Relationship With Your Child is Not the One You Wanted

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. I just wanted to clarify. It’s not ME that doesn’t accept the diagnosis. It’s my kid. We never hid it from her. But we also didn’t talk about it that much, and honestly we weren’t given a lot of guidance or help. She was switching schools at the time and the doctor thought that would probably help with making friends.

At the time, it didn’t manifest as something really problematic. As long as she had a few friends, she was good. It was only as she got older and social stuff became more complicated that it started to become more of an issue and by that time she was very resistant to the idea.

Also, as much as I love our pediatrician, he was aware of this and never suggested any help. She was in therapy. We did family therapy. But she wouldn’t talk. She saw another therapist this summer on her own for anxiety and the therapist saw her 3 times and said she was ok and dismissed her. She was 18 by that point.

[b]There is another major issue here I don’t want to discuss on DCUM possibly related to ASD. Some parents familiar with it may know. But it caused us to seek out a second opinion and it turned out that by that age (around 16) it’s not as easy to find help in determining exactly what is going on. It had a big effect on how she related to me rather than her father. I don’t mean to be vague but it’s controversial and I would only discuss with other parents who have been in the same shoes.[/b]

Anyway, this is getting me defensive because of course every situation is unique and there is no way to understand a particular dynamic. I’m sure I’m to blame for some of it.

I did not cut her off for the semester. She has fall break in early October. So, I basically said let’s talk in a month while I figure out a way to have a relationship with you (on my side) that won’t feel like I’m pushing but also doesn’t make me sad.

I specifically said this wasn’t a punishment and that I didn’t expect any kind of apology. I actually apologized for things I thought I may have done wrong. I just didn’t want to say call me whenever you want, because I suspected there wouldn’t be much contact and that would make me sadder. It was easier to not expect any contact. She also can talk to her dad at any time, with whom she has a less complicated relationship. As far as I know, she’s texted him once.

Anyway, thank you for the kind advice from most people. I’m thinking a lot. Thinking about where I am going wrong, have gone wrong, how to have a low conflict relationship with her, how to give up control—because I have advocated so much for her—I’m sure that is making it harder to let go. She wasn’t this “normal” kid who was doing all these stereotypically “normal” things as a high schooler. I was the one pushing her to try and go out more and have more of a life and even be a little bad once in a while.

I think I have worried so much, it would be a relief to give up control. Also she has had us doing so much for her, it would be good for her to experience both the positive and negative things about independence. [/quote]

Did the above incidents result in another neuropsych test? Or just talks and inconclusive?

Just expand your orbit and friend group and hobbies yourself. Don’t ruminate on this, it’s hard stuff and won’t massively change. [/quote]

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