ASD and Empty Nesting-Accepting the Relationship With Your Child is Not the One You Wanted

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SPCD is not ASD, which one is it?

It was explained to us at the time that Asperger’s was no longer a diagnosis. They met the social difficulty part of ASD and sensory issues but not repetitive behaviors. Diagnosis was SPCD. This was around age 9.

SPCD is a useless diagnosis. A lot of repetitive behaviors develop later and a lot of rigid behaviors can be present without the stereotypical autistic stims like hand flapping etc. And FWIW my kid’s repetitive behaviors are the least important in the scheme of things - they’re literally just a heightened variety of what we all do, like knee-jiggling when bored or tense.

OP since you never embraced the autism label I suggest you take one GIANT step back and do some reading of blogs and books by autistic adults. Maybe Neurotribes if you haven’t read it (RIP Steve Silberman). I think you’ve behaved absolutely abominably by dramatically cutting off your kid at a time when they may be vulnerable, and in reaction to their very age-appropriate behavior. But maybe it’s a good thing for you to get some distance to get therapy to differentiate yourself better from your kid, and also to learn about autism.

OP did not "cut off" this kid. OP deferred primary parenting to the kid's father, which is appropriate under these circumstances. The kid is being supported through college, as is appropriate.

OP, you and DC should probably get some therapy individually and as a pair. This transition is rough for many families, and rougher for families of kids with ASD

OP sent an email to her kid declaring she wouldn’t contact her for the rest lf the semester. It was probably appropriate for her to back off but she needs to seriously examine why she is creating drama.

She said until October parents weekend.

Look, it is typical of Asperger’s kids, teens, young adults AND adults to mask during the day in public and then lash out at home. It is devastating to their relationships - siblings, parents, roommates, significant others. Maybe friends if long exposures and no breaks.

Learning kindness, how to apologize, and how to regulate one’s emotions is at upmost priority for an HFA individual. Not dump on mom. Not avoid life. That is HER maladaptive coping mechanism.

You have to leave the room during these meltdowns. Not sit there and take it. Don’t bother trying to reason with an HFa melting down. Even via email.

My HfA kid wouldn’t talk during therapy either. She had a different excuse every other year - that’s private, I don’t want to, who cares, I don’t know her.

By the third session the (honest) psychologists would call and say, this isn’t working let’s not waste either of our time. Good luck.

You sound like you’re blaming the breakdown in your relationship on autism (“an HFA,” really?) I know many kids and adults on the spectrum and this falsity that they are covert abusers is very nasty. In fact, showing a behavior only in one setting/relationship is a sign that it is a relational issue. But you seem to enjoy demonizing your daughter so I suppose that has secondary benefits for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the father autistic too?

You’re not likely autistic, if you were you wouldnt be so worried about this or anyone. Out of sight, out of mind. Out of mind, out of sight.

but she sure sounds borderline

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read an old story a while ago, which pretty much said that the role of a mother is to be a stable figure. There was a picture of a mom making food on a kitchen table, and the kids would just pop in, grab something, and leave. There was no conversation. To me, sorry to say, you sound too needy. Let your kid be. If he contacts you in emergencies, you're fine, he's fine. Don't put your own emotional issues for him to solve. Don't send any long e-mails. It's not your role. Your role is to be there when needed and you have to figure out how to manage your own emotions. It's normal for teens/young adults not to want to be around parents, and it's highly likely that he senses your neediness.

Thanks. I’m OP. Personally, I think that would be a horrible relationship. It reminds me of The Giving Tree. I do have needs. I thought I taught them that we all have needs. I agree that teenagers and young adults often forget this about their parents. I know I did, even though my mom and I were close. (We also fought a lot.)

I think a big part of what brought this on was suppressing my needs for several years while I got treated badly. And then a realization that I don’t have to do that anymore.

I can always be a convenience store for my kid, but man that is sad. And it is no real relationship.

Everyone is assuming I have a son. I have a daughter.

DP. Your daughter thinks you are needy and trying to cling to her. She is trying to get away from feeling responsible for your emotions. The best you can do is get busy with whatever there is outside of her. Work, elderly parent, etc.

+1. This is normal for ALL kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am very sorry you’re suffering OP. And also, your email crossed a line. Telling a college freshman that you wouldn’t be in touch until fall break because they hurt your feelings? Are you trying to manipulate your child into coming closer to you by withdrawing your affection? That is really hurtful and messed up.

She was absolutely acting manipulatively - textbook borderline. Notice how she mentioned she was checking to see if her daughter mentioned the email to her dad or brother? OP was definitely hoping to spark drama.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Well, this turned ugly, of course.
I checked in with my husband and MOTHER because both of them have talked to her. I also don’t demonize my child, if that’s how it appeared. I love her more than anything and am extremely proud of her. I just don’t understand how to communicate with her and that feels painful.

I couldn’t take it and broke down this morning and texted her and told her I was very hurt and scared to lose her. She said she was sorry and didn’t mean to hurt me, had class and could we talk later. I said of course. This doesn’t solve the problem but at least I don’t feel like my heart is being ripped out.

I’m not borderline but do have tendencies, and feeling unsure about where I stand in relationships certainly brings out those feelings. I was in therapy for a long time myself. Just like autism, it is not a bad word but can certainly cause relationship issues.

I’m going to leave now because the really nasty people have come out. Not sure where I’m going with this other than back to therapy to try and see if I can find a healthy way to move forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SPCD is not ASD, which one is it?

It was explained to us at the time that Asperger’s was no longer a diagnosis. They met the social difficulty part of ASD and sensory issues but not repetitive behaviors. Diagnosis was SPCD. This was around age 9.

SPCD is a useless diagnosis. A lot of repetitive behaviors develop later and a lot of rigid behaviors can be present without the stereotypical autistic stims like hand flapping etc. And FWIW my kid’s repetitive behaviors are the least important in the scheme of things - they’re literally just a heightened variety of what we all do, like knee-jiggling when bored or tense.

OP since you never embraced the autism label I suggest you take one GIANT step back and do some reading of blogs and books by autistic adults. Maybe Neurotribes if you haven’t read it (RIP Steve Silberman). I think you’ve behaved absolutely abominably by dramatically cutting off your kid at a time when they may be vulnerable, and in reaction to their very age-appropriate behavior. But maybe it’s a good thing for you to get some distance to get therapy to differentiate yourself better from your kid, and also to learn about autism.

OP did not "cut off" this kid. OP deferred primary parenting to the kid's father, which is appropriate under these circumstances. The kid is being supported through college, as is appropriate.

OP, you and DC should probably get some therapy individually and as a pair. This transition is rough for many families, and rougher for families of kids with ASD

OP sent an email to her kid declaring she wouldn’t contact her for the rest lf the semester. It was probably appropriate for her to back off but she needs to seriously examine why she is creating drama.

She said until October parents weekend.

Look, it is typical of Asperger’s kids, teens, young adults AND adults to mask during the day in public and then lash out at home. It is devastating to their relationships - siblings, parents, roommates, significant others. Maybe friends if long exposures and no breaks.

Learning kindness, how to apologize, and how to regulate one’s emotions is at upmost priority for an HFA individual. Not dump on mom. Not avoid life. That is HER maladaptive coping mechanism.

You have to leave the room during these meltdowns. Not sit there and take it. Don’t bother trying to reason with an HFa melting down. Even via email.

My HfA kid wouldn’t talk during therapy either. She had a different excuse every other year - that’s private, I don’t want to, who cares, I don’t know her.

By the third session the (honest) psychologists would call and say, this isn’t working let’s not waste either of our time. Good luck.

You sound like you’re blaming the breakdown in your relationship on autism (“an HFA,” really?) I know many kids and adults on the spectrum and this falsity that they are covert abusers is very nasty. In fact, showing a behavior only in one setting/relationship is a sign that it is a relational issue. But you seem to enjoy demonizing your daughter so I suppose that has secondary benefits for you.

#triggered

NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Well, this turned ugly, of course.
I checked in with my husband and MOTHER because both of them have talked to her. I also don’t demonize my child, if that’s how it appeared. I love her more than anything and am extremely proud of her. I just don’t understand how to communicate with her and that feels painful.

I couldn’t take it and broke down this morning and texted her and told her I was very hurt and scared to lose her. She said she was sorry and didn’t mean to hurt me, had class and could we talk later. I said of course. This doesn’t solve the problem but at least I don’t feel like my heart is being ripped out.

I’m not borderline but do have tendencies, and feeling unsure about where I stand in relationships certainly brings out those feelings. I was in therapy for a long time myself. Just like autism, it is not a bad word but can certainly cause relationship issues.

I’m going to leave now because the really nasty people have come out. Not sure where I’m going with this other than back to therapy to try and see if I can find a healthy way to move forward.

This is all hard and complicated. Life’s a roller coaster with an aspie loved one.

Give yourself grace and continue to detach emotionally from expecting normal behaviors all the time.

It will always hurt to be blindsided by someone’s shutdown or melt down. You can’t stop every stim or outburst or accident. Thats impossible, even if they live with you in their 20s, 30s, 40s.

Reconcile and then back off your college kid. Pick your battles. Detach. Sounds like you already let her live an alternative lifestyle of some sort. Keep the door open. Be ready to help but only do an intervention if healthy and safety are at stake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am very sorry you’re suffering OP. And also, your email crossed a line. Telling a college freshman that you wouldn’t be in touch until fall break because they hurt your feelings? Are you trying to manipulate your child into coming closer to you by withdrawing your affection? That is really hurtful and messed up.

She was absolutely acting manipulatively - textbook borderline. Notice how she mentioned she was checking to see if her daughter mentioned the email to her dad or brother? OP was definitely hoping to spark drama.

You’re a piece of work. Or this whole thing is a Troll post, including Op.

Nothing drama or manipulative about checking with your own spouse and family member if they have been in touch with your mentally disordered 19 yo who isn’t talking with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry this is so hard. Please understand that it’s hard on your son too. He too is going through a difficult change. Therapy for you is extremely important because you seem to be interpreting signs of his disability as if he is choosing them in order to be hurtful to you. He is not. Cutting off contact with him until Fall break is actively closing a door when he is at a fragile time. Please get therapy. You both could be so much happier. I say this as a fellow parent of a late diagnosed autistic child. In my darker moments I interpreted things as you do - as if my child were letting me down. The things he is doing and the person he is becoming are not a choice. He is disabled. He is monotropic. He likely still loves you deep inside but is undergoing so much change right now that he cannot show it. I am more or less typically developing and I was a real piece of work towards my parents at ages 18-30. Truly. I was an a**hole. Thought I knew everything. Give it time. Get some therapy. Reignite an old hobby or discover a new one.

Thank you. This is what I’ve told myself for so long now! I don’t know what pushed it over the edge but I just suddenly realized…I don’t have to TAKE this behavior. Maybe because they were so insistent on independence.

You don’t have to take it. You don’t have to keep reaching out. But don’t close the door either. Your son is in a fragile place. Away from home. Limited social skills. You don’t want him to simultaneously have a script in his head that he let down his mom. Let your husband do the outreach. Stay available. He will need you. Invest in yourself in the meantime. You have a backlog of resentment to work through. It will take time.

+1
All of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I only have experience with NT kids, but kids at that age are selfish F's. A friend's son didn't talk to her for his entire senior year. They went to go visit a college and he literally did not talk to her. Ten years later they take at least two vacations together.

I think therapy is good because are you really sure you want to cut off your kid? This friend taught me to just love on them and let them come back to you. I'm doing that with kids that don't seem all that in to me. But, I want them to call in the middle of the night. I'll always be here for them. GL!

+1

It’s hard to tell what the catalyst was in your Op — the midnight health scape, they called you, you tried to help, every be got through it and then the child got angry at you?

Knowing their Dx, I would “brush off” that anger as pent up stress and scaredness. No sleep perhaps too.

True, a mature adult should not go get angry with others after starting a mini health scare crisis. And if they did, they should apologize once calmer.

But layer in whatever pattern if symptoms your child has, you kind of have to set a boundary and say, “glad you solved this, let’s talk once we’re better rested and calmer”

And just repeat that to anyone, including family members, who is getting angry, raised voices, irrational, whatever.

Then be positive. We learned student health services!

[Anonymous]

OP said father was kinda like DD.
OP says she has "tendencies."
Heredity is controversial but can be a bummer.
Even if DD were totally perfect moms nowadays seem to have hearts torn out when kids leave nest.
Thank God I am a childless cat lady. Cats die but see you for who you are and don't do texts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Well, this turned ugly, of course.
I checked in with my husband and MOTHER because both of them have talked to her. I also don’t demonize my child, if that’s how it appeared. I love her more than anything and am extremely proud of her. I just don’t understand how to communicate with her and that feels painful.

I couldn’t take it and broke down this morning and texted her and told her I was very hurt and scared to lose her. She said she was sorry and didn’t mean to hurt me, had class and could we talk later. I said of course. This doesn’t solve the problem but at least I don’t feel like my heart is being ripped out.

I’m not borderline but do have tendencies, and feeling unsure about where I stand in relationships certainly brings out those feelings. I was in therapy for a long time myself. Just like autism, it is not a bad word but can certainly cause relationship issues.

I’m going to leave now because the really nasty people have come out. Not sure where I’m going with this other than back to therapy to try and see if I can find a healthy way to move forward.

OP get yourself together. Get a therapist pronto. You are not reacting in a normal way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am very sorry you’re suffering OP. And also, your email crossed a line. Telling a college freshman that you wouldn’t be in touch until fall break because they hurt your feelings? Are you trying to manipulate your child into coming closer to you by withdrawing your affection? That is really hurtful and messed up.

She was absolutely acting manipulatively - textbook borderline. Notice how she mentioned she was checking to see if her daughter mentioned the email to her dad or brother? OP was definitely hoping to spark drama.

You’re a piece of work. Or this whole thing is a Troll post, including Op.

Nothing drama or manipulative about checking with your own spouse and family member if they have been in touch with your mentally disordered 19 yo who isn’t talking with you.

It’s textbook drama to send someone an email “I’m no longer talking to you this month!” then be upset they didn’t have the reaction you wanted THEN text them to retract the cut-off. Like, textBOOK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Well, this turned ugly, of course.
I checked in with my husband and MOTHER because both of them have talked to her. I also don’t demonize my child, if that’s how it appeared. I love her more than anything and am extremely proud of her. I just don’t understand how to communicate with her and that feels painful.

I couldn’t take it and broke down this morning and texted her and told her I was very hurt and scared to lose her. She said she was sorry and didn’t mean to hurt me, had class and could we talk later. I said of course. This doesn’t solve the problem but at least I don’t feel like my heart is being ripped out.

I’m not borderline but do have tendencies, and feeling unsure about where I stand in relationships certainly brings out those feelings. I was in therapy for a long time myself. Just like autism, it is not a bad word but can certainly cause relationship issues.

I’m going to leave now because the really nasty people have come out. Not sure where I’m going with this other than back to therapy to try and see if I can find a healthy way to move forward.

Hurt feelings are a choice. Having your heart ripped out is a bit dramatic, and we’ve all been there, but your kid isn’t responsible for fixing your feelings, especially during the very fraught time of freshman year. Talk to your spouse, friends, therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am very sorry you’re suffering OP. And also, your email crossed a line. Telling a college freshman that you wouldn’t be in touch until fall break because they hurt your feelings? Are you trying to manipulate your child into coming closer to you by withdrawing your affection? That is really hurtful and messed up.

She was absolutely acting manipulatively - textbook borderline. Notice how she mentioned she was checking to see if her daughter mentioned the email to her dad or brother? OP was definitely hoping to spark drama.

You’re a piece of work. Or this whole thing is a Troll post, including Op.

Nothing drama or manipulative about checking with your own spouse and family member if they have been in touch with your mentally disordered 19 yo who isn’t talking with you.

It’s textbook drama to send someone an email “I’m no longer talking to you this month!” then be upset they didn’t have the reaction you wanted THEN text them to retract the cut-off. Like, textBOOK.

You’re quite extreme and fixated.

Hers was the typical (and textbook) Give Them Space response, after the daughter flipped out on her following the daughter’s health scare:
“Let’s get some space and talk at fall break soon. If there is an issue call anytime, Dad is available too.”

Should have been short & sweet. Easy breezy.