ASD and Empty Nesting-Accepting the Relationship With Your Child is Not the One You Wanted

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is he with his dad?

Better but dad has a lot less contact—n both emotionally and physically. My husband admits I get the brunt of it.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your son’s diagnosis exacerbates some of the difficult dynamics a lot of us go through. One of mine was particularly hurtful and distant until they wanted/needed something. They treated me like an ATM and crisis manager, and as soon as I paid or fixed their problem it was like I didn’t exist. Except for the intermittent angry outbursts. This DC was really extreme and it only got worse. But that was selfishness and greed, not neurodivergence.

I suspect the normal process of pulling away some, and the pressure that your son is under in a new environment are causing him to be extremely hard on you. I know it’s painful, but I don’t think closing the door is the answer. Spend time with people who value you and definitely get some therapy. You deserve love and support. I don’t think your relationship with your son will be like this in five years. I don’t know exactly what it will be like, but I think it will be better.

[Anonymous]

I read an old story a while ago, which pretty much said that the role of a mother is to be a stable figure. There was a picture of a mom making food on a kitchen table, and the kids would just pop in, grab something, and leave. There was no conversation. To me, sorry to say, you sound too needy. Let your kid be. If he contacts you in emergencies, you're fine, he's fine. Don't put your own emotional issues for him to solve. Don't send any long e-mails. It's not your role. Your role is to be there when needed and you have to figure out how to manage your own emotions. It's normal for teens/young adults not to want to be around parents, and it's highly likely that he senses your neediness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read an old story a while ago, which pretty much said that the role of a mother is to be a stable figure. There was a picture of a mom making food on a kitchen table, and the kids would just pop in, grab something, and leave. There was no conversation. To me, sorry to say, you sound too needy. Let your kid be. If he contacts you in emergencies, you're fine, he's fine. Don't put your own emotional issues for him to solve. Don't send any long e-mails. It's not your role. Your role is to be there when needed and you have to figure out how to manage your own emotions. It's normal for teens/young adults not to want to be around parents, and it's highly likely that he senses your neediness.

Thanks. I’m OP. Personally, I think that would be a horrible relationship. It reminds me of The Giving Tree. I do have needs. I thought I taught them that we all have needs. I agree that teenagers and young adults often forget this about their parents. I know I did, even though my mom and I were close. (We also fought a lot.)

I think a big part of what brought this on was suppressing my needs for several years while I got treated badly. And then a realization that I don’t have to do that anymore.

I can always be a convenience store for my kid, but man that is sad. And it is no real relationship.

Everyone is assuming I have a son. I have a daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your son’s diagnosis exacerbates some of the difficult dynamics a lot of us go through. One of mine was particularly hurtful and distant until they wanted/needed something. They treated me like an ATM and crisis manager, and as soon as I paid or fixed their problem it was like I didn’t exist. Except for the intermittent angry outbursts. This DC was really extreme and it only got worse. But that was selfishness and greed, not neurodivergence.

I suspect the normal process of pulling away some, and the pressure that your son is under in a new environment are causing him to be extremely hard on you. I know it’s painful, but I don’t think closing the door is the answer. Spend time with people who value you and definitely get some therapy. You deserve love and support. I don’t think your relationship with your son will be like this in five years. I don’t know exactly what it will be like, but I think it will be better.

Thank you. I think this is true. I reached out to my old therapist I haven’t seen in quite a while to see if she had any appointments. I would really like to see someone who specializes in ASD but I also like the idea of someone who already knows me.

[Anonymous]

OMG OP. Please get therapy for yourself. I can’t believe you wrote your kid and said you wouldn’t be in touch all semester. How awful for him! Resolve your issues. He’s your kid engaged in what sounds like fairly normal separation (albeit perhaps slightly more due ti autistic personality). You’re reacting like this is an attack on you. POOR kid. Gosh I feel sorry for him.

[Anonymous]

OP you are describing normal teenage drive for independence.
Don't catastrophize it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry this is so hard. Please understand that it’s hard on your son too. He too is going through a difficult change. Therapy for you is extremely important because you seem to be interpreting signs of his disability as if he is choosing them in order to be hurtful to you. He is not. Cutting off contact with him until Fall break is actively closing a door when he is at a fragile time. Please get therapy. You both could be so much happier. I say this as a fellow parent of a late diagnosed autistic child. In my darker moments I interpreted things as you do - as if my child were letting me down. The things he is doing and the person he is becoming are not a choice. He is disabled. He is monotropic. He likely still loves you deep inside but is undergoing so much change right now that he cannot show it. I am more or less typically developing and I was a real piece of work towards my parents at ages 18-30. Truly. I was an a**hole. Thought I knew everything. Give it time. Get some therapy. Reignite an old hobby or discover a new one.

Thank you. This is what I’ve told myself for so long now! I don’t know what pushed it over the edge but I just suddenly realized…I don’t have to TAKE this behavior. Maybe because they were so insistent on independence.

What behavior are you “taking” OP? You sound extremely immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry this is so hard. Please understand that it’s hard on your son too. He too is going through a difficult change. Therapy for you is extremely important because you seem to be interpreting signs of his disability as if he is choosing them in order to be hurtful to you. He is not. Cutting off contact with him until Fall break is actively closing a door when he is at a fragile time. Please get therapy. You both could be so much happier. I say this as a fellow parent of a late diagnosed autistic child. In my darker moments I interpreted things as you do - as if my child were letting me down. The things he is doing and the person he is becoming are not a choice. He is disabled. He is monotropic. He likely still loves you deep inside but is undergoing so much change right now that he cannot show it. I am more or less typically developing and I was a real piece of work towards my parents at ages 18-30. Truly. I was an a**hole. Thought I knew everything. Give it time. Get some therapy. Reignite an old hobby or discover a new one.

Thank you. This is what I’ve told myself for so long now! I don’t know what pushed it over the edge but I just suddenly realized…I don’t have to TAKE this behavior. Maybe because they were so insistent on independence.

You don’t have to take it. You don’t have to keep reaching out. But don’t close the door either. Your son is in a fragile place. Away from home. Limited social skills. You don’t want him to simultaneously have a script in his head that he let down his mom. Let your husband do the outreach. Stay available. He will need you. Invest in yourself in the meantime. You have a backlog of resentment to work through. It will take time.

Yeah. They literally have not mentioned it to my husband or my mother. This also seems very strange to me? My email was not mean—not insulting even though it was obvious I was hurt. Maybethey interpreted it very literally? I don’t know. If I’d gotten something like that from my mom I definitely would have said something. But that kind of proves the point.

I need to find a therapist. Next week.

Please find a therapist who challenges you. It’s just … did you send that email as a test to see how the kid would react? wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SPCD is not ASD, which one is it?

It was explained to us at the time that Asperger’s was no longer a diagnosis. They met the social difficulty part of ASD and sensory issues but not repetitive behaviors. Diagnosis was SPCD. This was around age 9.

SPCD is a useless diagnosis. A lot of repetitive behaviors develop later and a lot of rigid behaviors can be present without the stereotypical autistic stims like hand flapping etc. And FWIW my kid’s repetitive behaviors are the least important in the scheme of things - they’re literally just a heightened variety of what we all do, like knee-jiggling when bored or tense.

OP since you never embraced the autism label I suggest you take one GIANT step back and do some reading of blogs and books by autistic adults. Maybe Neurotribes if you haven’t read it (RIP Steve Silberman). I think you’ve behaved absolutely abominably by dramatically cutting off your kid at a time when they may be vulnerable, and in reaction to their very age-appropriate behavior. But maybe it’s a good thing for you to get some distance to get therapy to differentiate yourself better from your kid, and also to learn about autism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your son’s diagnosis exacerbates some of the difficult dynamics a lot of us go through. One of mine was particularly hurtful and distant until they wanted/needed something. They treated me like an ATM and crisis manager, and as soon as I paid or fixed their problem it was like I didn’t exist. Except for the intermittent angry outbursts. This DC was really extreme and it only got worse. But that was selfishness and greed, not neurodivergence.

I suspect the normal process of pulling away some, and the pressure that your son is under in a new environment are causing him to be extremely hard on you. I know it’s painful, but I don’t think closing the door is the answer. Spend time with people who value you and definitely get some therapy. You deserve love and support. I don’t think your relationship with your son will be like this in five years. I don’t know exactly what it will be like, but I think it will be better.

Thank you. I think this is true. I reached out to my old therapist I haven’t seen in quite a while to see if she had any appointments. I would really like to see someone who specializes in ASD but I also like the idea of someone who already knows me.

You need to seek out a therapist skilled in family dynamics/family systems so you can understand that your role in this and stop blaming your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read an old story a while ago, which pretty much said that the role of a mother is to be a stable figure. There was a picture of a mom making food on a kitchen table, and the kids would just pop in, grab something, and leave. There was no conversation. To me, sorry to say, you sound too needy. Let your kid be. If he contacts you in emergencies, you're fine, he's fine. Don't put your own emotional issues for him to solve. Don't send any long e-mails. It's not your role. Your role is to be there when needed and you have to figure out how to manage your own emotions. It's normal for teens/young adults not to want to be around parents, and it's highly likely that he senses your neediness.

Thanks. I’m OP. Personally, I think that would be a horrible relationship. It reminds me of The Giving Tree. I do have needs. I thought I taught them that we all have needs. I agree that teenagers and young adults often forget this about their parents. I know I did, even though my mom and I were close. (We also fought a lot.)

I think a big part of what brought this on was suppressing my needs for several years while I got treated badly. And then a realization that I don’t have to do that anymore.

I can always be a convenience store for my kid, but man that is sad. And it is no real relationship.

Everyone is assuming I have a son. I have a daughter.

It's only The Giving Tree if you deplete yourself at your daughter's service.
Take care of your needs independent of her and you will feel less alone that she is not meeting your needs. She is your child and should not meet your needs.

[Anonymous]

I have an 18 year old daughter who just left for college a few weeks ago. It is now MY responsibility to develop my interests and hobbies and not rely on her for anything. I am not seeing that your DD is openly hostile or rude, just more like a typical teen who needs to pull away and become herself. Adolescence is truly difficult. She does not belong to you; she does not owe you anything other than basic politeness. This is what parenting is.

Please, if you sent that email to her, apologize and take it back. Tell her you were feeling emotional about her leaving and you love her. Check in with her weekly or so but don't expect anything in return. You made her. She's a separate person. If you want to keep the possibility of her returning to you in her mid to late 20s as many teens, esp. daughters will, just stay open to her and be there unconditionally.

I'm not sure you've embraced your role as the parent of a young adult fully. You are there as scaffolding and support. She needs to be independent and build her own relationships apart from her family.

Does she have friends? Is she happy at college? If so, congratulations, mama! You did your job well.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry. I know this is a hard place. But it might not be permanent. I have a son with mental health issues who went through a period like this and worse. He didn’t go to college until he was 21 and continued to live at home. But he pretty much acted as though I didn’t exist unless he needed something.

For me I was like that mom a PP described and you equated with the Giving Tree. I continued to do things unless asked to stop.

Anyway, eventually at around age 21, things changed. We now have a really nice relationship. He still lives at home - mental health issues are either slowing down development of skills to leave or maybe will result in him not being able to leave, which is a whole different issue. He’s nice to be around. He’s come back around to letting me help with things like medical issues, which really fell apart when I wasn’t allowed to help.

I guess I am writing to say that it’s too early to be resigned to not having a relationship or accepting that the adult relationship will be dissatisfying. But I get how you feel - I had a lot of dark years but he isn’t my only child and I’m pretty good at empty nesting which took away a lot of the sting.

One thing my spouse always reminds me with all my kids is that I have to act the way I want the relationship to be - basically don’t burn bridges.

I hope you find peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read an old story a while ago, which pretty much said that the role of a mother is to be a stable figure. There was a picture of a mom making food on a kitchen table, and the kids would just pop in, grab something, and leave. There was no conversation. To me, sorry to say, you sound too needy. Let your kid be. If he contacts you in emergencies, you're fine, he's fine. Don't put your own emotional issues for him to solve. Don't send any long e-mails. It's not your role. Your role is to be there when needed and you have to figure out how to manage your own emotions. It's normal for teens/young adults not to want to be around parents, and it's highly likely that he senses your neediness.

No!!! Parents are not ATMs/concierges/personal assistants for their adult children. Kids can be kind and polite and supportive every once in awhile. Parents shouldn't be the focus of an adult kid's life but parents aren't whipping boys for adult kids to abuse, either.