ASD and Empty Nesting-Accepting the Relationship With Your Child is Not the One You Wanted

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09/07/2024 16:51

Subject: ASD and Empty Nesting-Accepting the Relationship With Your Child is Not the One You Wanted

quote

Anonymous

I’m hurting here, so please no cruel responses. If you feel the need, please move on.

I have a child with high functioning ASD. Would probably have been labeled Aspergers but that diagnosis went away so it was SPCD—basically the difficulty with social relationships and communication. I should say they don’t actually accept this diagnosis and see it as a label they don’t want so that makes therapy harder.

Up until the middle teen years, while they were always quite shy out in the world, they were still extremely loving and funny with my husband and me.

That changed in later teen years and they became more and more introverted, started pulling away from us. I mean, that is normal teen stuff. But it just got worse and worse. There were some other issues I don’t want to mention here, but they kind of overtook the coldness, lack of affection. But there was therapy. It never helped much, I think partially because my child wouldn’t talk. But they always got great grades. No disciplinary stuff. Just always seemed cold, sarcastic, very introverted, no eye contact, hated touching, etc….had a small group of friends they liked so that was enough for them and if they were happy I was happy.

Over the last few years 16-18 they became more and more cold with me. One word responses. It’s like pulling teeth to have a conversation. My father is very similar to this, so it was not new to me, and it made me sad. It was very hard having a dad like this. And the idea that my only child would be like this was depressing. But I guess I held on to the way they used to be and hoped the coldness with us was a stage.

I began to feel that I was getting what I would call scraps of affection. Felt very sad and jealous when I’d see parents close to their kids. I know teens are supposed to be obnoxious but almost all the time? I had an almost too close relationship to my mom so it was very hard. But I kept holding on to the rare times they would be nice or funny or kind and trying to not think about all the other times.

This summer was ESPECIALLY bad. Everyone said it was soiling the nest. They were just so mean. I planned a whole trip for us (asked for their input a lot but they wouldn’t give any so I tried to think of things they would like) and the whole time they acted like they were doing me a big favor just by being there.

They recently left for college and almost immediately it was clear that I would have to fight to have them contact me on any kind of regular basis. Something happened where they reached out to me panicked and then as soon as the panic passed, they became angry at me for responding because they felt I overreacted. (Called in the middle of the night with possible major health problem)

I just feel….done.

I was so tired, angry, sad. I wrote a long email and wished them a good semester but said I didn’t think we should talk until fall break. (Said I was always available for emergencies but other than that could always talk to their father.)

I was angry but also grieving. And now I’m just trying to figure everything out. Empty nesting is hard. But damn even harder when your kid has been a jerk for a while now and I just realized….this is not going to change. I either learn how to accept a relationship with my kid the way THEY do relationships—which to me feels very distant and cold. Or? Have no relationship at all? Keep fighting trying to have the close relationship I wish we had. But that hasn’t worked.

I think if my child had ALWAYS been this way I obviously would have accepted it by now. It’s that they were sweet and kind. But they changed, and they do seem very much ASD now when it comes to social connections—eye contact, touching, flat tone, flat appearing emotionally. But now in addition they are physically gone. I could at least see them before. I think unless they have a panic attack they don’t really care about talking to me at all.

So, I know I need to find a therapist to talk about this with. Empty nesting is hard but the ASD makes it even harder. Or maybe my kid is just a jerk and ASD has nothing to do with it. Or I’m a terrible mother? I’m not perfect. I know that. But I did try my best and have always loved and been proud of my child.