ASD and Empty Nesting-Accepting the Relationship With Your Child is Not the One You Wanted

[Anonymous]

It’s interesting to me that everyone just assumed that you have a son instead of daughter.

I think it’s natural for teens and young adults to pull away from parents and communicate as little as possible. They want to find their own way in the world. Once I realized that and stopped pushing my ASD son to talk, I found that he started initiating more conversation with me. Same with my NT daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SPCD is not ASD, which one is it?

It was explained to us at the time that Asperger’s was no longer a diagnosis. They met the social difficulty part of ASD and sensory issues but not repetitive behaviors. Diagnosis was SPCD. This was around age 9.

SPCD is a useless diagnosis. A lot of repetitive behaviors develop later and a lot of rigid behaviors can be present without the stereotypical autistic stims like hand flapping etc. And FWIW my kid’s repetitive behaviors are the least important in the scheme of things - they’re literally just a heightened variety of what we all do, like knee-jiggling when bored or tense.

OP since you never embraced the autism label I suggest you take one GIANT step back and do some reading of blogs and books by autistic adults. Maybe Neurotribes if you haven’t read it (RIP Steve Silberman). I think you’ve behaved absolutely abominably by dramatically cutting off your kid at a time when they may be vulnerable, and in reaction to their very age-appropriate behavior. But maybe it’s a good thing for you to get some distance to get therapy to differentiate yourself better from your kid, and also to learn about autism.

OP did not "cut off" this kid. OP deferred primary parenting to the kid's father, which is appropriate under these circumstances. The kid is being supported through college, as is appropriate.

OP, you and DC should probably get some therapy individually and as a pair. This transition is rough for many families, and rougher for families of kids with ASD

[Anonymous]

One of the toughest things about having a kid with special needs is letting go of the kid that you wanted and accepting the kid in front of you. It's hard. Every parent has to do it, but when your kid has a disability that makes them rude or insensitive or violent, it's even harder. It's an on-going experience as kids get older and the reality of their adult lives are not what you imagined when you got pregnant. It;s hard on the kids are they realize that they aren't everything their parents expected them to be. It's painful and coming to peace with it can be difficult.

Welcome to Holland applies to adult kids as well as newly diagnosed kids.

https://www.emilyperlkingsley.com/welcome-to-holland

[Anonymous]

OP here. I just wanted to clarify. It’s not ME that doesn’t accept the diagnosis. It’s my kid. We never hid it from her. But we also didn’t talk about it that much, and honestly we weren’t given a lot of guidance or help. She was switching schools at the time and the doctor thought that would probably help with making friends.

At the time, it didn’t manifest as something really problematic. As long as she had a few friends, she was good. It was only as she got older and social stuff became more complicated that it started to become more of an issue and by that time she was very resistant to the idea.

Also, as much as I love our pediatrician, he was aware of this and never suggested any help. She was in therapy. We did family therapy. But she wouldn’t talk. She saw another therapist this summer on her own for anxiety and the therapist saw her 3 times and said she was ok and dismissed her. She was 18 by that point.

There is another major issue here I don’t want to discuss on DCUM possibly related to ASD. Some parents familiar with it may know. But it caused us to seek out a second opinion and it turned out that by that age (around 16) it’s not as easy to find help in determining exactly what is going on. It had a big effect on how she related to me rather than her father. I don’t mean to be vague but it’s controversial and I would only discuss with other parents who have been in the same shoes.

Anyway, this is getting me defensive because of course every situation is unique and there is no way to understand a particular dynamic. I’m sure I’m to blame for some of it.

I did not cut her off for the semester. She has fall break in early October. So, I basically said let’s talk in a month while I figure out a way to have a relationship with you (on my side) that won’t feel like I’m pushing but also doesn’t make me sad.

I specifically said this wasn’t a punishment and that I didn’t expect any kind of apology. I actually apologized for things I thought I may have done wrong. I just didn’t want to say call me whenever you want, because I suspected there wouldn’t be much contact and that would make me sadder. It was easier to not expect any contact. She also can talk to her dad at any time, with whom she has a less complicated relationship. As far as I know, she’s texted him once.

Anyway, thank you for the kind advice from most people. I’m thinking a lot. Thinking about where I am going wrong, have gone wrong, how to have a low conflict relationship with her, how to give up control—because I have advocated so much for her—I’m sure that is making it harder to let go. She wasn’t this “normal” kid who was doing all these stereotypically “normal” things as a high schooler. I was the one pushing her to try and go out more and have more of a life and even be a little bad once in a while.

I think I have worried so much, it would be a relief to give up control. Also she has had us doing so much for her, it would be good for her to experience both the positive and negative things about independence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SPCD is not ASD, which one is it?

It was explained to us at the time that Asperger’s was no longer a diagnosis. They met the social difficulty part of ASD and sensory issues but not repetitive behaviors. Diagnosis was SPCD. This was around age 9.

SPCD is a useless diagnosis. A lot of repetitive behaviors develop later and a lot of rigid behaviors can be present without the stereotypical autistic stims like hand flapping etc. And FWIW my kid’s repetitive behaviors are the least important in the scheme of things - they’re literally just a heightened variety of what we all do, like knee-jiggling when bored or tense.

OP since you never embraced the autism label I suggest you take one GIANT step back and do some reading of blogs and books by autistic adults. Maybe Neurotribes if you haven’t read it (RIP Steve Silberman). I think you’ve behaved absolutely abominably by dramatically cutting off your kid at a time when they may be vulnerable, and in reaction to their very age-appropriate behavior. But maybe it’s a good thing for you to get some distance to get therapy to differentiate yourself better from your kid, and also to learn about autism.

OP did not "cut off" this kid. OP deferred primary parenting to the kid's father, which is appropriate under these circumstances. The kid is being supported through college, as is appropriate.

OP, you and DC should probably get some therapy individually and as a pair. This transition is rough for many families, and rougher for families of kids with ASD

OP sent an email to her kid declaring she wouldn’t contact her for the rest lf the semester. It was probably appropriate for her to back off but she needs to seriously examine why she is creating drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I just wanted to clarify. It’s not ME that doesn’t accept the diagnosis. It’s my kid. We never hid it from her. But we also didn’t talk about it that much, and honestly we weren’t given a lot of guidance or help. She was switching schools at the time and the doctor thought that would probably help with making friends.

At the time, it didn’t manifest as something really problematic. As long as she had a few friends, she was good. It was only as she got older and social stuff became more complicated that it started to become more of an issue and by that time she was very resistant to the idea.

Also, as much as I love our pediatrician, he was aware of this and never suggested any help. She was in therapy. We did family therapy. But she wouldn’t talk. She saw another therapist this summer on her own for anxiety and the therapist saw her 3 times and said she was ok and dismissed her. She was 18 by that point.

There is another major issue here I don’t want to discuss on DCUM possibly related to ASD. Some parents familiar with it may know. But it caused us to seek out a second opinion and it turned out that by that age (around 16) it’s not as easy to find help in determining exactly what is going on. It had a big effect on how she related to me rather than her father. I don’t mean to be vague but it’s controversial and I would only discuss with other parents who have been in the same shoes.

Anyway, this is getting me defensive because of course every situation is unique and there is no way to understand a particular dynamic. I’m sure I’m to blame for some of it.

I did not cut her off for the semester. She has fall break in early October. So, I basically said let’s talk in a month while I figure out a way to have a relationship with you (on my side) that won’t feel like I’m pushing but also doesn’t make me sad.

I specifically said this wasn’t a punishment and that I didn’t expect any kind of apology. I actually apologized for things I thought I may have done wrong. I just didn’t want to say call me whenever you want, because I suspected there wouldn’t be much contact and that would make me sadder. It was easier to not expect any contact. She also can talk to her dad at any time, with whom she has a less complicated relationship. As far as I know, she’s texted him once.

Anyway, thank you for the kind advice from most people. I’m thinking a lot. Thinking about where I am going wrong, have gone wrong, how to have a low conflict relationship with her, how to give up control—because I have advocated so much for her—I’m sure that is making it harder to let go. She wasn’t this “normal” kid who was doing all these stereotypically “normal” things as a high schooler. I was the one pushing her to try and go out more and have more of a life and even be a little bad once in a while.

I think I have worried so much, it would be a relief to give up control. Also she has had us doing so much for her, it would be good for her to experience both the positive and negative things about independence.

what do you want to hear OP? that your daughter is a horrible cold autistic person?

[Anonymous]

I have an autistic 18yo DD. I really wish I knew what this secret controversial issue is about, OP. I have no clue and have read every autism book I could find over the last decade. Is it something sexual that has you so reticent to share? My DD is asexual, which is very common with ASD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an autistic 18yo DD. I really wish I knew what this secret controversial issue is about, OP. I have no clue and have read every autism book I could find over the last decade. Is it something sexual that has you so reticent to share? My DD is asexual, which is very common with ASD.

No. But a somewhat common overlap. She may be asexual too, but that is not any issue. It’s not an “issue” for me. I have been supportive of her. Just complicates our relationship. Unfortunately, there is no private messaging here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your son’s diagnosis exacerbates some of the difficult dynamics a lot of us go through. One of mine was particularly hurtful and distant until they wanted/needed something. They treated me like an ATM and crisis manager, and as soon as I paid or fixed their problem it was like I didn’t exist. Except for the intermittent angry outbursts. This DC was really extreme and it only got worse. But that was selfishness and greed, not neurodivergence.

I suspect the normal process of pulling away some, and the pressure that your son is under in a new environment are causing him to be extremely hard on you. I know it’s painful, but I don’t think closing the door is the answer. Spend time with people who value you and definitely get some therapy. You deserve love and support. I don’t think your relationship with your son will be like this in five years. I don’t know exactly what it will be like, but I think it will be better.

Thank you. I think this is true. I reached out to my old therapist I haven’t seen in quite a while to see if she had any appointments. I would really like to see someone who specializes in ASD but I also like the idea of someone who already knows me.

I think this is a good plan, OP. The thread is descending into the typical DCUM nastiness, and I would just ignore that. You have a plan, and I think you will find your way through this. After you receive some support you will be in a better place to work on the relationship with your daughter and how you will handle that. It’s a bit like your dehydrated and need an IV.

I wish you all the best, and I hope that you and your daughter eventually land in a place where you can feel mutual respect and love, however that will look for your particular set of circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your son’s diagnosis exacerbates some of the difficult dynamics a lot of us go through. One of mine was particularly hurtful and distant until they wanted/needed something. They treated me like an ATM and crisis manager, and as soon as I paid or fixed their problem it was like I didn’t exist. Except for the intermittent angry outbursts. This DC was really extreme and it only got worse. But that was selfishness and greed, not neurodivergence.

I suspect the normal process of pulling away some, and the pressure that your son is under in a new environment are causing him to be extremely hard on you. I know it’s painful, but I don’t think closing the door is the answer. Spend time with people who value you and definitely get some therapy. You deserve love and support. I don’t think your relationship with your son will be like this in five years. I don’t know exactly what it will be like, but I think it will be better.

Thank you. I think this is true. I reached out to my old therapist I haven’t seen in quite a while to see if she had any appointments. I would really like to see someone who specializes in ASD but I also like the idea of someone who already knows me.

I think this is a good plan, OP. The thread is descending into the typical DCUM nastiness, and I would just ignore that. You have a plan, and I think you will find your way through this. After you receive some support you will be in a better place to work on the relationship with your daughter and how you will handle that. It’s a bit like your dehydrated and need an IV.

I wish you all the best, and I hope that you and your daughter eventually land in a place where you can feel mutual respect and love, however that will look for your particular set of circumstances.

Thank you. ❤️

[Anonymous]

I was so tired, angry, sad. I wrote a long email and wished them a good semester but said I didn’t think we should talk until fall break. (Said I was always available for emergencies but other than that could always talk to their father.)

Why on earth would you write that? I get wanting to put some boundaries in place but yikes, that seems unnecessary and harsh.

I hope this passes. I had a difficult relationship with my mom growing up, I paid to leave a vacation she planned for us early, I was probably cold to her at some points. We have a much better relationship now, as adults. I’m sure she would say it was all my fault and she was perfect, but yeah.

[Anonymous]

Just to reiterate something a previous poster said: that until recently, it was unusual to phone parents AT ALL in college. (I remember once I received a phone call from home and everyone in the dorm worried someone had died. No--my dad was passing through town and wanted dinner together). It's hard for many students that age, ASD or not, to talk with their parents. It just is. Monosyllables at best. It's almost more depressing than a phone call. Good luck, OP! This, too, shall pass.

[Anonymous]

Autistic kid + narcissistic parent is a difficult combination

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This could be schizophrenia. My sister acted very similarly and ended up being diagnosed in college. I also have autism in my family so there might be a genetic link.

There are lots of comorbidities with ASD I folks. The ASD folks in my life I have had to emotionally detach from my HFA spouse and HFA daughter. It is very hard. But they will never have “normal” behaviors or empathy to life events or people. They just copy or mimic, if they feel up to it. But they’re often overwhelmed by life and in shutdown mode, so do not put any effort in to relationships or life or interests.

Try not to close doors but also don’t get stuck or lose YOUR sense of self.

Having an HFA adult child in college is a win. Take it one day at a time. I’ve found their lives are quite precarious- in a relationship, blow it up; have a job, say something crazy and are fired; getting good grades here but terrible grades and gave up there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 17:56 - also I don't have expectations my kids will call me, except on my birthday. I just don't. If I want to talk to someone, I leave a voicemail or text.

Just make a rule: email me back within 48 hours.

Call twice a month or more as needed.

That’s reasonable and you’re probably paying for college so need an update. Bfd. He can speak for 10 minutes every couple weeks.