My wife wants to move and I don't

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here and I will try to address a few things. Yes the cost of living will be lower there, but we would still be paying $500-$600 for a home and we would lose our low interest rate. We also just put a lot of money into home renovations. My wife would most likely be making more money, but I would probably make less and have less opportunities. She moved here for me though and says now it's time for me to move for her. I don't think life works like that and it isn't really a good argument. Yes we moved here for my job, but she was able to easily find a job as well and was 100% onboard with moving here.

I moved around a lot as a kid, but my parents are also in the Midwest but not close to her family, and we would probably still see them the same amount as we do now. Her mom has helped us a lot since the baby was born, but she has a part-time job and isn't able to take more time off at the moment. My wife just freaked out about 2 months going by without seeing any of her family and that rekindled her obsession with moving. Before the baby was born we saw her family maybe 3 times a year.

Why not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Feels like we've failed" is a dumb reason, frankly. We moved 2 hours from my job because my spouse felt like it would "feel like failing" to buy a house anywhere in the entire multi-metro area where they grew up, as if they weren't successful enough to leave. This was an emotional and ego-driven reason. My crushing commute is not emotional, it's concrete, and I've even had to change jobs to do it less often.

Wanting to be near family as you raise kids and your parents get older is a good reason. Ann Arbor is not a depressed small town where your kids won't have options. Honestly, I think you need to come up with some better reasons, or seriously think about moving.

It’s not a reason. It’s his personal perception.

The OP didn’t give any reasons for his view nor support it. Hopefully he does in conversations with his life partner.
It’s the basic way to speak and discuss things: people exchange views and premises; the best ideas get strengthened and bolstered, a well-thought out decision is made.

If you are from the Midwest and move to the wonderful DMV area, you are moving up. Better quality of life, better paying jobs.
If you couldn’t make it here and decide to move back to the midwest, it’s viewed as a failure. You failed to make it in one of the most affluent and desirable places in the US.
OP has his pride and doesn’t want to be seen as a loser back home in the midwest.
It’s stupid, but that’s what it is.

Well, I live in NYC and consider people who live in the DMV to be losers. On the other hand, Ann Arbor is fantastic.

? why?

I'm originally from CA, now living in DC. Why are people who live in the DMV losers? I'm curious? I don't work in the public sector. I've always worked in the private sector, and not a defense contractor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your wife’s reasons for wanting to move sound pretty reasonable. Your reasons for staying are out of pure vanity.

+1 OP, do you just not want to be near her family?

FWIW, we had a similar, but not exact situation, and DH didn't want to move because he didn't want to give up some vanity thing. He wasn't looking out for the best interests of the family, but rather, wanted to hold onto to this thing for selfish reasons. I helped finance that selfish thing for many years, FWIW. But, after the kids were born, we needed to do what was best for the family and give up that very expensive vanity thing.

We fought. He finally agreed that moving was the best for the family. I will say that once he was committed to it, he never whined about that thing again.

[Anonymous]

OP. This is a trap. Don't move. It's never a good idea to move closer to your in-laws.
Didn't you read the horror story on this board?

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]OP. This is a trap. Don't move. It's never a good idea to move closer to your in-laws.
Didn't you read the horror story on this board?

[/quote]

Take it from someone who did this, none of the inlaws gave a rat's ass when we moved closer. They're busy with their own lives.

[Anonymous]

Op here, and yes, another reason I do not want to move is because our relationship has not been the greatest lately. I'm having a hard time with the baby stage and am probably not giving her the support that she needs. I know she probably has a lot of resentment towards me. I love my child, but I do miss the way life was before they were born. I am in the process of finding a therapist and I will suggest couple's counseling to her. If we were to split though, I do not want to get stuck in the midwest until my kid goes to college. My career goals do not align with that.

I honestly don't know what the answer is. I REALLY do not want to move to Ohio, but Ann Arbor has even less job opportunities for me than Columbus does. I also have a lot of friends here. My wife hasn't really made many close friends in the 8 years that we have been here, even though I have tried to encourage her to do so. She is close to her siblings, but I am not. I actually don't think they like me very much, so I'm not very keen to live closer to them. She has also stopped talking to her family when I am around, so I don't know what she has been telling them about me.

When we moved here 8 years ago, she was just as excited for the fresh start as I was. I didn't drag her here. We've invested so much into our home to make it what we want it to be. The idea of giving up everything we've built here is just unthinkable to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, and yes, another reason I do not want to move is because our relationship has not been the greatest lately. I'm having a hard time with the baby stage and am probably not giving her the support that she needs. I know she probably has a lot of resentment towards me. I love my child, but I do miss the way life was before they were born. I am in the process of finding a therapist and I will suggest couple's counseling to her. If we were to split though, I do not want to get stuck in the midwest until my kid goes to college. My career goals do not align with that.

I honestly don't know what the answer is. I REALLY do not want to move to Ohio, but Ann Arbor has even less job opportunities for me than Columbus does. I also have a lot of friends here. My wife hasn't really made many close friends in the 8 years that we have been here, even though I have tried to encourage her to do so. She is close to her siblings, but I am not. I actually don't think they like me very much, so I'm not very keen to live closer to them. She has also stopped talking to her family when I am around, so I don't know what she has been telling them about me.

When we moved here 8 years ago, she was just as excited for the fresh start as I was. I didn't drag her here. We've invested so much into our home to make it what we want it to be. The idea of giving up everything we've built here is just unthinkable to me.

Lots to unpack there.

You are grieving the loss of your care free lifestyle now that you have a kid. Did you even want kids? Seems like you don't want to give in because you already are having to give up your child free lifestyle. My DH went through something similar (I posted above about having a similar situation with DH).

Basically, DH knew that if we were to divorce, he'd struggle more financially.

One of you is going to suffer more than the other if you were to divorce, whether you stay or move.

Have you ever thought about the fact that if you were more supportive of her, especially with childcare, she wouldn't be so keen on moving closer to her family? Does she feel isolated because now that she has kids, she has even less time to have a social life, and you are not that supportive of her so it compounds the situation?

Either way, you're being selfish. You aren't that supportive of her after the baby, and you don't want to move. Dude, man up, and do what's right for your family. Be an adult and don't whine about having a baby. I assume she didn't trick you into having a child, so man up.

I keep saying it.. .most men shouldn't have kids. They aren't ready to give up their care free lifestyle. But, too late for you, so man up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here and I will try to address a few things. Yes the cost of living will be lower there, but we would still be paying $500-$600 for a home and we would lose our low interest rate. We also just put a lot of money into home renovations. My wife would most likely be making more money, but I would probably make less and have less opportunities. She moved here for me though and says now it's time for me to move for her. I don't think life works like that and it isn't really a good argument. Yes we moved here for my job, but she was able to easily find a job as well and was 100% onboard with moving here.

I moved around a lot as a kid, but my parents are also in the Midwest but not close to her family, and we would probably still see them the same amount as we do now. Her mom has helped us a lot since the baby was born, but she has a part-time job and isn't able to take more time off at the moment. My wife just freaked out about 2 months going by without seeing any of her family and that rekindled her obsession with moving. Before the baby was born we saw her family maybe 3 times a year.

I think it's pretty important whether you're making more money than your wife and if so how much, and how much more she would be earning in the midwest.

If you're earning $200K and your wife earns $80K and your salary would go down to $100K and your wife's would go up to $100K, I can see why you wouldn't necessarily want to move because of how the pay hit would look on your resume and because your net family income would be taking an $80K hit. That said, if the move would still make it possible to have a nanny and also maybe some babysitting from family that you wouldn't get now, it seems like you should still consider it.

It sounds like maybe the larger picture is that the baby has been hard on your marriage and it's falling apart a little. I don't think husbands always understand how much work a baby is and how alone it can make the mom feel when the mom is doing so so much more than half.

I will say that if you move, and you continue to not really do your share (assuming that's the issue), the move won't necessarily fix the underlying problem, which I'm assuming to basically be you.

I understand your view that your wife was excited to move to this area for your job and didn't have any trouble finding a job herself so it's not the same as you moving for her to a place where there is less opportunity for you. That's a real issue. It's not EXACTLY a 1:1 exchange when opportunities for you are fewer. That said, you don't seem to have looked so it's hard to believe you. Your wife is telling you that things where you are now aren't working for her, and you're neither helping her more with the baby nor giving her the way out that's she's finding in the midwest, so to me it kind of seems like you are the problem.

[Anonymous]

My man, you need to take a hard look at your situation here, because you're flirting with marriage-ending behavior. In your own words, you are not "adjusting" to the baby stage (this means you're not helping, or not helping much), and you're digging in about her getting help from family, who by your admission, doesn't like you, and I can understand why. I commend you for understanding that therapy is needed here, but to be honest, you need to snap out of this, fast. Your "if we split up I don't want to wind up in the midwest" statement tells me you're already considering this option, even passively. That's a bad sign. Ultimately, in a successful marriage, what is good for your wife and your baby is good for you as a family. This doesn't mean you're taking it on the chin. It means you're making decisions as a unit. This is presumedly what you signed up for when you said "I do" and "yes" to marriage and babies. Don't blow this man.

[Anonymous]

If a man wanted to move near his family, everyone would've said no. I see gender bias here.

That being said, her case is stronger than yours. I vote, move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, and yes, another reason I do not want to move is because our relationship has not been the greatest lately. I'm having a hard time with the baby stage and am probably not giving her the support that she needs. I know she probably has a lot of resentment towards me. I love my child, but I do miss the way life was before they were born. I am in the process of finding a therapist and I will suggest couple's counseling to her. If we were to split though, I do not want to get stuck in the midwest until my kid goes to college. My career goals do not align with that.

I honestly don't know what the answer is. I REALLY do not want to move to Ohio, but Ann Arbor has even less job opportunities for me than Columbus does. I also have a lot of friends here. My wife hasn't really made many close friends in the 8 years that we have been here, even though I have tried to encourage her to do so. She is close to her siblings, but I am not. I actually don't think they like me very much, so I'm not very keen to live closer to them. She has also stopped talking to her family when I am around, so I don't know what she has been telling them about me.

When we moved here 8 years ago, she was just as excited for the fresh start as I was. I didn't drag her here. We've invested so much into our home to make it what we want it to be. The idea of giving up everything we've built here is just unthinkable to me.

It sounds like you are not being the best husband and father. Therapy is good but just do the work. Do your 50%. You are writing about doing what’s best for you, but what is best for your family and child ?

Honestly she’s probably venting about how you are not being an actual equal parent. You created this kid so you need to be a parent not “help” not “babysit” be an equal parent and partner.

Do your share but maybe hire cleaners and whatever they can’t do you pick up and just do. Do you clean the toilets? Do you make dinner and clean up after? Do you pay the bills? Do you wake up with the baby at night a lot? Do you tell your wife to take a night or afternoon and do what she wants and you watch the baby?

It already sounds like you want to bail and miss child free life. It gets better but you can’t bail. Don’t be that person. Hire out what you can to help your wife. Ask around if anyone knows a good babysitter or maybe take a trip to Ann Arbor and check it out and ask your in laws to watch the baby for an afternoon so you and your wife can have a date afternoon or something. You need to step it up. You’re focusing on yourself without even thinking about your wife.

I didn’t go through PP but I was off for
Month after I had my baby. My body was all different (I still have a pouch no matter how many core workouts I do), my hormones were off, milk was all over the place, but going through all these changes and not having a partner to share with it would have been very difficult meaning having one there who refused to do their part. You need to step it up.

[Anonymous]

My BiL sounds like you. He refused to change his life once he and his wife had kids. She does the majority if not more of the work. Now he is the higher earner (he was not for many years) he is even worse.
They live near his wife’s parents who watch their kids a lot because he refuses to spend money on babysitters or cleaners and other than mowing their lawn with his rolls Royce of mowers he does not do cleaning. She did 100% of all night wakings or if the kids are sick she takes care of them. She gets up at 4 am just to get a workout in because he demands to get up at 5:30AM to workout everyday before he goes to work so school runs and lunch and breakfast are all in her. He goes out with friends, trips with guy friends and hunting, but she doesn’t get the same time away. It is so strange and he used to not be like this, it got worse with kids and when he made more $.

We all think he is insufferable but she refuses to leave. He thinks grilling and making more $ is his contribution but he also spends so much on stupid crap.

Anyway don’t be this person. Check yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, and yes, another reason I do not want to move is because our relationship has not been the greatest lately. I'm having a hard time with the baby stage and am probably not giving her the support that she needs. I know she probably has a lot of resentment towards me. I love my child, but I do miss the way life was before they were born. I am in the process of finding a therapist and I will suggest couple's counseling to her. If we were to split though, I do not want to get stuck in the midwest until my kid goes to college. My career goals do not align with that.

I honestly don't know what the answer is. I REALLY do not want to move to Ohio, but Ann Arbor has even less job opportunities for me than Columbus does. I also have a lot of friends here. My wife hasn't really made many close friends in the 8 years that we have been here, even though I have tried to encourage her to do so. She is close to her siblings, but I am not. I actually don't think they like me very much, so I'm not very keen to live closer to them. She has also stopped talking to her family when I am around, so I don't know what she has been telling them about me.

When we moved here 8 years ago, she was just as excited for the fresh start as I was. I didn't drag her here. We've invested so much into our home to make it what we want it to be. The idea of giving up everything we've built here is just unthinkable to me.

You sound like an a$$. No wonder your wife feels the need for family support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, and yes, another reason I do not want to move is because our relationship has not been the greatest lately. I'm having a hard time with the baby stage and am probably not giving her the support that she needs. I know she probably has a lot of resentment towards me. I love my child, but I do miss the way life was before they were born. I am in the process of finding a therapist and I will suggest couple's counseling to her. If we were to split though, I do not want to get stuck in the midwest until my kid goes to college. My career goals do not align with that.

I honestly don't know what the answer is. I REALLY do not want to move to Ohio, but Ann Arbor has even less job opportunities for me than Columbus does. I also have a lot of friends here. My wife hasn't really made many close friends in the 8 years that we have been here, even though I have tried to encourage her to do so. She is close to her siblings, but I am not. I actually don't think they like me very much, so I'm not very keen to live closer to them. She has also stopped talking to her family when I am around, so I don't know what she has been telling them about me.

When we moved here 8 years ago, she was just as excited for the fresh start as I was. I didn't drag her here. We've invested so much into our home to make it what we want it to be. The idea of giving up everything we've built here is just unthinkable to me.

Why couples counseling? It sounds like you’re the issue here. Go to therapy by yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My man, you need to take a hard look at your situation here, because you're flirting with marriage-ending behavior. In your own words, you are not "adjusting" to the baby stage (this means you're not helping, or not helping much), and you're digging in about her getting help from family, who by your admission, doesn't like you, and I can understand why. I commend you for understanding that therapy is needed here, but to be honest, you need to snap out of this, fast. Your "if we split up I don't want to wind up in the midwest" statement tells me you're already considering this option, even passively. That's a bad sign. Ultimately, in a successful marriage, what is good for your wife and your baby is good for you as a family. This doesn't mean you're taking it on the chin. It means you're making decisions as a unit. This is presumedly what you signed up for when you said "I do" and "yes" to marriage and babies. Don't blow this man.

One has to wonder whether the push to move is happening in part because he is already blowing it, and she doesn't want to be stuck in DC with no help hundreds of miles from family if they divorce. Yes, OP, shape up.