My wife wants to move and I don't

[Anonymous]

I would never live in Ohio. Any state that would elect Vance and vote for Trump is not where I would want to be, even in a liberal oasis.

[Anonymous]

Agree that you should at least apply for jobs there. You never know what could happen - the opportunities may be better than you think.

Plus, I know tons of people who moved closer to family after having kids. I don’t think any of them would consider it a step backwards or a sign of failure. You need to work through that. There are lots of successful people outside of the DC area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here and I will try to address a few things. Yes the cost of living will be lower there, but we would still be paying $500-$600 for a home and we would lose our low interest rate. We also just put a lot of money into home renovations. My wife would most likely be making more money, but I would probably make less and have less opportunities. She moved here for me though and says now it's time for me to move for her. I don't think life works like that and it isn't really a good argument. Yes we moved here for my job, but she was able to easily find a job as well and was 100% onboard with moving here.

I moved around a lot as a kid, but my parents are also in the Midwest but not close to her family, and we would probably still see them the same amount as we do now. Her mom has helped us a lot since the baby was born, but she has a part-time job and isn't able to take more time off at the moment. My wife just freaked out about 2 months going by without seeing any of her family and that rekindled her obsession with moving. Before the baby was born we saw her family maybe 3 times a year.

That’s exactly how life works in mutually respectful marriages.

Op, you’re being a selfish jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I faced this same dilemma 16 years ago and moved. Happy wife happy life.

Is your firstborn a girl? It’s likely your wife is looking at the kids around here and thinking she doesn’t want her kids to be like them. I can relate and there’s really nothing rational you can saw or do to counter it.

And why would the Midwest be “failing?” I can’t speak for Ann Arbor, but southern Ohio is booming. Good jobs should are plentiful and the area west and south of Columbus down to the northern suburbs of cincy is really nice. I go there for work often and the people are really nice, mortgages don’t leave them house poor, schools are good, and the pace of life seems manageable.

From experience, raising kids and teenagers in the dc metro is a complete circus clown show every day. Maybe I’m romanticizing it as greener grass, but trust your wife’s intuition.

Raising kids in the DMV is similar to any large metro area. I have family in NJ (NY suburb) and Dallas and it’s more or less the same.

Why is it a circus clown show? I don’t have teenagers yet so I’m curious. I moved around a lot growing up though and every place has its challenges.

Mostly due to horrible traffic and one spouse working downtown. I know for a fact it’s easier in other non east coast cities. There are probably ways to simplify it by limiting kids activities and having them ride the bus and be latch key kids. But if you want to do the typical 21st century american family thing, the dmv is one of the hardest places to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never live in Ohio. Any state that would elect Vance and vote for Trump is not where I would want to be, even in a liberal oasis.

Have you thought about emigrating outside of the US? Honest question. The federal laws are not exactly conducive to a peaceful, healthy and long life.

[Anonymous]

We were in this situation a few years ago. We moved.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of women think more about motherhood and parenting their children than men can realize. This is her only chance in her entire life to raise her child the way that she always imagined. Once it’s gone, then it’s gone.
She probably feels like she moved for your work and so that you could succeed in what was important to you, and now she wants the same consideration.

[Anonymous]

Your wife is unreasonable. She didn’t want to move and now all of a sudden she wants to move. She is probably going through a postpartum depression. She needs therapy. Don’t panic, it will pass.
If she doesn’t want to listen, you should dump her and move on.

[Anonymous]

For what it's worth, I moved to Columbus to be closer to family and for the lower cost of living and I regret my decision every day. I never anticipated it, but I do feel like a failure, like I couldn't hack it in the big, coastal city. Moving to the midwest does feel like giving up on some level.

Another aspect to consider is that the people here are not like the people in DC or in any large coastal city for that matter, for better or worse. The culture of Columbus is very much "middle America" and if you've spent any serious amount of time living in a big city, you're probably not going to have much in common with the average person.

[Anonymous]

I agree about moving near family not necessarily being a thing that works Greg way one envious.

In my experience unless you are within 15 minute you probably won’t see family weekly.

If cousins have age quite gap - that gap will shrink as they get older. But a 6 year difference as kids is pretty big.

Maybe a compromise would be to have kid spend summer with cousins, or go to camp together as opportunities to bond/share experiences.

Ann Arbor is expensive. Housing market tight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Feels like we've failed" is a dumb reason, frankly. We moved 2 hours from my job because my spouse felt like it would "feel like failing" to buy a house anywhere in the entire multi-metro area where they grew up, as if they weren't successful enough to leave. This was an emotional and ego-driven reason. My crushing commute is not emotional, it's concrete, and I've even had to change jobs to do it less often.

Wanting to be near family as you raise kids and your parents get older is a good reason. Ann Arbor is not a depressed small town where your kids won't have options. Honestly, I think you need to come up with some better reasons, or seriously think about moving.

It’s not a reason. It’s his personal perception.

The OP didn’t give any reasons for his view nor support it. Hopefully he does in conversations with his life partner.
It’s the basic way to speak and discuss things: people exchange views and premises; the best ideas get strengthened and bolstered, a well-thought out decision is made.

[Anonymous]

Ann Arbor is great, but it’s not cheap. Real estate pushes $1M for a nicer neighborhood

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Feels like we've failed" is a dumb reason, frankly. We moved 2 hours from my job because my spouse felt like it would "feel like failing" to buy a house anywhere in the entire multi-metro area where they grew up, as if they weren't successful enough to leave. This was an emotional and ego-driven reason. My crushing commute is not emotional, it's concrete, and I've even had to change jobs to do it less often.

Wanting to be near family as you raise kids and your parents get older is a good reason. Ann Arbor is not a depressed small town where your kids won't have options. Honestly, I think you need to come up with some better reasons, or seriously think about moving.

It’s not a reason. It’s his personal perception.

The OP didn’t give any reasons for his view nor support it. Hopefully he does in conversations with his life partner.
It’s the basic way to speak and discuss things: people exchange views and premises; the best ideas get strengthened and bolstered, a well-thought out decision is made.

If you are from the Midwest and move to the wonderful DMV area, you are moving up. Better quality of life, better paying jobs.
If you couldn’t make it here and decide to move back to the midwest, it’s viewed as a failure. You failed to make it in one of the most affluent and desirable places in the US.
OP has his pride and doesn’t want to be seen as a loser back home in the midwest.
It’s stupid, but that’s what it is.

[Anonymous]

Being around family when you're raising children is a game changer. Don't dismiss that.

I think the areas you've mentioned are worth considering. They're nice. Why does it seem like failure to be there?

-lifetime DMV resident

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You two are the perfect candidate for marriage counseling, to help you navigate this. Also, to help you sort out other big goals you have for. your marriage and to get on the same page. This is something you two should have talked about way before getting married. "When we have a kid, I'll want to move back to the Midwest near my family." "I will always be an East Coast person."

Things change and people change - especially conversations pre/post major life events and that is ok. Marriage can’t be 100 percent discussed on every issue prior to avoid hard conversations.