My wife wants to move and I don't

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I lived in Ann Arbor as a kid and it was a great place to grow up. But cheap it is not.

This is laughable. Sure, it's expensive for the midwest, but an order of magnitude cheaper than here. Just check out zillow OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Feels like we've failed" is a dumb reason, frankly. We moved 2 hours from my job because my spouse felt like it would "feel like failing" to buy a house anywhere in the entire multi-metro area where they grew up, as if they weren't successful enough to leave. This was an emotional and ego-driven reason. My crushing commute is not emotional, it's concrete, and I've even had to change jobs to do it less often.

Wanting to be near family as you raise kids and your parents get older is a good reason. Ann Arbor is not a depressed small town where your kids won't have options. Honestly, I think you need to come up with some better reasons, or seriously think about moving.

It’s not a reason. It’s his personal perception.

The OP didn’t give any reasons for his view nor support it. Hopefully he does in conversations with his life partner.
It’s the basic way to speak and discuss things: people exchange views and premises; the best ideas get strengthened and bolstered, a well-thought out decision is made.

If you are from the Midwest and move to the wonderful DMV area, you are moving up. Better quality of life, better paying jobs.
If you couldn’t make it here and decide to move back to the midwest, it’s viewed as a failure. You failed to make it in one of the most affluent and desirable places in the US.
OP has his pride and doesn’t want to be seen as a loser back home in the midwest.
It’s stupid, but that’s what it is.

Well, I live in NYC and consider people who live in the DMV to be losers. On the other hand, Ann Arbor is fantastic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Feels like we've failed" is a dumb reason, frankly. We moved 2 hours from my job because my spouse felt like it would "feel like failing" to buy a house anywhere in the entire multi-metro area where they grew up, as if they weren't successful enough to leave. This was an emotional and ego-driven reason. My crushing commute is not emotional, it's concrete, and I've even had to change jobs to do it less often.

Wanting to be near family as you raise kids and your parents get older is a good reason. Ann Arbor is not a depressed small town where your kids won't have options. Honestly, I think you need to come up with some better reasons, or seriously think about moving.

It’s not a reason. It’s his personal perception.

The OP didn’t give any reasons for his view nor support it. Hopefully he does in conversations with his life partner.
It’s the basic way to speak and discuss things: people exchange views and premises; the best ideas get strengthened and bolstered, a well-thought out decision is made.

If you are from the Midwest and move to the wonderful DMV area, you are moving up. Better quality of life, better paying jobs.
If you couldn’t make it here and decide to move back to the midwest, it’s viewed as a failure. You failed to make it in one of the most affluent and desirable places in the US.
OP has his pride and doesn’t want to be seen as a loser back home in the midwest.
It’s stupid, but that’s what it is.

Disagree with this view, wholeheartedly. Not a failure to opt out of the overall low return on cost in the DMV. It’s also a relatively boring city, at least as compared to LA or Chicago or NYC, unless you are into politics, lobbying or gov’t stuff.

I see moving out of the area as opting out of the bad deal. Certain lot does NOT mean you ‘couldn’t hack it.’

Now, Midwest may not be someone’s cup of tea, maybe they prefer west coast or mountains or the south but that doesn’t mean leaving the DMV is a failure. If anything you come out ahead vs where you left here considering you will be near family and ideally employed? Do you like your in-laws?

6th gen Washingtonian here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Feels like we've failed" is a dumb reason, frankly. We moved 2 hours from my job because my spouse felt like it would "feel like failing" to buy a house anywhere in the entire multi-metro area where they grew up, as if they weren't successful enough to leave. This was an emotional and ego-driven reason. My crushing commute is not emotional, it's concrete, and I've even had to change jobs to do it less often.

Wanting to be near family as you raise kids and your parents get older is a good reason. Ann Arbor is not a depressed small town where your kids won't have options. Honestly, I think you need to come up with some better reasons, or seriously think about moving.

It’s not a reason. It’s his personal perception.

The OP didn’t give any reasons for his view nor support it. Hopefully he does in conversations with his life partner.
It’s the basic way to speak and discuss things: people exchange views and premises; the best ideas get strengthened and bolstered, a well-thought out decision is made.

If you are from the Midwest and move to the wonderful DMV area, you are moving up. Better quality of life, better paying jobs.
If you couldn’t make it here and decide to move back to the midwest, it’s viewed as a failure. You failed to make it in one of the most affluent and desirable places in the US.
OP has his pride and doesn’t want to be seen as a loser back home in the midwest.
It’s stupid, but that’s what it is.

Well, I live in NYC and consider people who live in the DMV to be losers. On the other hand, Ann Arbor is fantastic.

Im sure we can all agree that Philly people are the biggest losers!

[Anonymous]

Since you don’t like your job anyway, why not give it a try?

Ann Arbor would be a great place to raise a child—much better than the DMV.

And the cost of living is much lower. If one of you works at U of M, perhaps your kid could also get college benefits.

Understand that the feeling of failure associated with moving is entirely in your head. Try to reframe this as you being adventurous and putting the needs of your family in front of your ego.

🤔

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your wife is unreasonable. She didn’t want to move and now all of a sudden she wants to move. She is probably going through a postpartum depression. She needs therapy. Don’t panic, it will pass.
If she doesn’t want to listen, you should dump her and move on.

A spouse is supposed to be a partner, not the CEO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since you don’t like your job anyway, why not give it a try?

Ann Arbor would be a great place to raise a child—much better than the DMV.

And the cost of living is much lower. If one of you works at U of M, perhaps your kid could also get college benefits.

Understand that the feeling of failure associated with moving is entirely in your head. Try to reframe this as you being adventurous and putting the needs of your family in front of your ego.

🤔

It would also make caring for aging parents easier, a phase of life which comes faster than you realize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Feels like we've failed" is a dumb reason, frankly. We moved 2 hours from my job because my spouse felt like it would "feel like failing" to buy a house anywhere in the entire multi-metro area where they grew up, as if they weren't successful enough to leave. This was an emotional and ego-driven reason. My crushing commute is not emotional, it's concrete, and I've even had to change jobs to do it less often.

Wanting to be near family as you raise kids and your parents get older is a good reason. Ann Arbor is not a depressed small town where your kids won't have options. Honestly, I think you need to come up with some better reasons, or seriously think about moving.

It’s not a reason. It’s his personal perception.

The OP didn’t give any reasons for his view nor support it. Hopefully he does in conversations with his life partner.
It’s the basic way to speak and discuss things: people exchange views and premises; the best ideas get strengthened and bolstered, a well-thought out decision is made.

If you are from the Midwest and move to the wonderful DMV area, you are moving up. Better quality of life, better paying jobs.
If you couldn’t make it here and decide to move back to the midwest, it’s viewed as a failure. You failed to make it in one of the most affluent and desirable places in the US.
OP has his pride and doesn’t want to be seen as a loser back home in the midwest.
It’s stupid, but that’s what it is.

Disagree with this view, wholeheartedly. Not a failure to opt out of the overall low return on cost in the DMV. It’s also a relatively boring city, at least as compared to LA or Chicago or NYC, unless you are into politics, lobbying or gov’t stuff.

I see moving out of the area as opting out of the bad deal. Certain lot does NOT mean you ‘couldn’t hack it.’

Now, Midwest may not be someone’s cup of tea, maybe they prefer west coast or mountains or the south but that doesn’t mean leaving the DMV is a failure. If anything you come out ahead vs where you left here considering you will be near family and ideally employed? Do you like your in-laws?

6th gen Washingtonian here.

This is fine. That's your perspective and you are entitled to your own view.
Let OP also have their own view. They think that the DMV is far better than the Midwest. They are entitled to their own perception.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For what it's worth, I moved to Columbus to be closer to family and for the lower cost of living and I regret my decision every day. I never anticipated it, but I do feel like a failure, like I couldn't hack it in the big, coastal city. Moving to the midwest does feel like giving up on some level.

Another aspect to consider is that the people here are not like the people in DC or in any large coastal city for that matter, for better or worse. The culture of Columbus is very much "middle America" and if you've spent any serious amount of time living in a big city, you're probably not going to have much in common with the average person.

I lived in the Midwest after growing up on the East Coast and here you. Outside of large, transient cities, the US is a lot more insular than people think. The culture is way different. Most of the people I met wanted nothing to do with traveling to new places or meeting new people.

That's a good point, the Midwest can be very insular, even in the largest cities. Even if you're from the state originally, people will view you as an outsider if you've spent a significant amount of time living elsewhere. If you don't have connections to the big state school, expect to be passed over for job opportunities. It's also not uncommon to have people asking where you went to high school.

[Anonymous]

Damn. We had to return to the DMV for jobs after the 2010 and we thought of THAT as the failure!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Damn. We had to return to the DMV for jobs after the 2010 and we thought of THAT as the failure!

Us too! Had to come back in 2015 and it was such a gut punch. Had an agreement to get out within 5 years, and made it happen in 2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For what it's worth, I moved to Columbus to be closer to family and for the lower cost of living and I regret my decision every day. I never anticipated it, but I do feel like a failure, like I couldn't hack it in the big, coastal city. Moving to the midwest does feel like giving up on some level.

Another aspect to consider is that the people here are not like the people in DC or in any large coastal city for that matter, for better or worse. The culture of Columbus is very much "middle America" and if you've spent any serious amount of time living in a big city, you're probably not going to have much in common with the average person.

I lived in the Midwest after growing up on the East Coast and here you. Outside of large, transient cities, the US is a lot more insular than people think. The culture is way different. Most of the people I met wanted nothing to do with traveling to new places or meeting new people.

That's a good point, the Midwest can be very insular, even in the largest cities. Even if you're from the state originally, people will view you as an outsider if you've spent a significant amount of time living elsewhere. If you don't have connections to the big state school, expect to be passed over for job opportunities. It's also not uncommon to have people asking where you went to high school.

Oh yeah. You are talking about St. Louis and Detroit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For what it's worth, I moved to Columbus to be closer to family and for the lower cost of living and I regret my decision every day. I never anticipated it, but I do feel like a failure, like I couldn't hack it in the big, coastal city. Moving to the midwest does feel like giving up on some level.

Another aspect to consider is that the people here are not like the people in DC or in any large coastal city for that matter, for better or worse. The culture of Columbus is very much "middle America" and if you've spent any serious amount of time living in a big city, you're probably not going to have much in common with the average person.

I lived in the Midwest after growing up on the East Coast and here you. Outside of large, transient cities, the US is a lot more insular than people think. The culture is way different. Most of the people I met wanted nothing to do with traveling to new places or meeting new people.

That's a good point, the Midwest can be very insular, even in the largest cities. Even if you're from the state originally, people will view you as an outsider if you've spent a significant amount of time living elsewhere. If you don't have connections to the big state school, expect to be passed over for job opportunities. It's also not uncommon to have people asking where you went to high school.

Oh yeah. You are talking about St. Louis and Detroit.

Never been to either. I'm talking about the three C's in Ohio, Indianapolis, Milwaukee, and even Chicago albeit to a lesser extent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Damn. We had to return to the DMV for jobs after the 2010 and we thought of THAT as the failure!

Us too! Had to come back in 2015 and it was such a gut punch. Had an agreement to get out within 5 years, and made it happen in 2.

Same agreement and 4.5 for us. Right under the wire!!!

[Anonymous]

I would not move if I were you. It doesn’t sound like you are on the same page. What if you move there and hate it and she refuses to leave? Even if you divorce, you will be stuck there until your kids go to college.

It doesn’t sound like you like the places she has suggested. And if you don’t like your in laws now, imagine how much worse they will be if you see them more often and they are more involved in your kids lives.

As a compromise, suggest a few other places you can think about moving.