My wife wants to move and I don't

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My man, you need to take a hard look at your situation here, because you're flirting with marriage-ending behavior. In your own words, you are not "adjusting" to the baby stage (this means you're not helping, or not helping much), and you're digging in about her getting help from family, who by your admission, doesn't like you, and I can understand why. I commend you for understanding that therapy is needed here, but to be honest, you need to snap out of this, fast. Your "if we split up I don't want to wind up in the midwest" statement tells me you're already considering this option, even passively. That's a bad sign. Ultimately, in a successful marriage, what is good for your wife and your baby is good for you as a family. This doesn't mean you're taking it on the chin. It means you're making decisions as a unit. This is presumedly what you signed up for when you said "I do" and "yes" to marriage and babies. Don't blow this man.

+1. Troll needs to not blow this

[Anonymous]

You’re young, unhappy in your job and your wife wants to be near family with a transferable job. You….don’t want to move. Columbus is a great and vibrant university city (though I always root against THE Ohio State). It’s time for you to put her dream, desire, needs whatever ahead of your own, with your own desires being pretty week. Suck it up and make her happy as it will pay dividends. I say this as a guy!

[Anonymous]

Columbus sucks. And Ann Arbor is not much better. Don’t move. You will regret it.

[Anonymous]

Dude, being a husband and father is about living for other people. You’re the one that sacrifices for them. Thats what being a man is. The baby coming and her wanting to move has turned your world upside down. I get it. It happens to all of us. Do what’s right for her and the kid and she will be loyal to you forever. Be a man, you can do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here and I will try to address a few things. Yes the cost of living will be lower there, but we would still be paying $500-$600 for a home and we would lose our low interest rate. We also just put a lot of money into home renovations. My wife would most likely be making more money, but I would probably make less and have less opportunities. She moved here for me though and says now it's time for me to move for her. I don't think life works like that and it isn't really a good argument. Yes we moved here for my job, but she was able to easily find a job as well and was 100% onboard with moving here.

I moved around a lot as a kid, but my parents are also in the Midwest but not close to her family, and we would probably still see them the same amount as we do now. Her mom has helped us a lot since the baby was born, but she has a part-time job and isn't able to take more time off at the moment. My wife just freaked out about 2 months going by without seeing any of her family and that rekindled her obsession with moving. Before the baby was born we saw her family maybe 3 times a year.

I think it's pretty important whether you're making more money than your wife and if so how much, and how much more she would be earning in the midwest.

If you're earning $200K and your wife earns $80K and your salary would go down to $100K and your wife's would go up to $100K, I can see why you wouldn't necessarily want to move because of how the pay hit would look on your resume and because your net family income would be taking an $80K hit. That said, if the move would still make it possible to have a nanny and also maybe some babysitting from family that you wouldn't get now, it seems like you should still consider it.

It sounds like maybe the larger picture is that the baby has been hard on your marriage and it's falling apart a little. I don't think husbands always understand how much work a baby is and how alone it can make the mom feel when the mom is doing so so much more than half.

I will say that if you move, and you continue to not really do your share (assuming that's the issue), the move won't necessarily fix the underlying problem, which I'm assuming to basically be you.

I understand your view that your wife was excited to move to this area for your job and didn't have any trouble finding a job herself so it's not the same as you moving for her to a place where there is less opportunity for you. That's a real issue. It's not EXACTLY a 1:1 exchange when opportunities for you are fewer. That said, you don't seem to have looked so it's hard to believe you. Your wife is telling you that things where you are now aren't working for her, and you're neither helping her more with the baby nor giving her the way out that's she's finding in the midwest, so to me it kind of seems like you are the problem.

This.

[Anonymous]

Can she move and you fly out to visit her on weekends? I know a lot of people who travel for work during the week.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need individual therapy and to take a long hard look at your role in your marriage and family. You don't need to "support" your wife, you need to step up and be an equal partner in managing the household and parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can she move and you fly out to visit her on weekends? I know a lot of people who travel for work during the week.

Might as well divorce now. 100% OP will cheat.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP but you sound like a whiner. You don’t like your job. You aren’t thrilled being a parent. You don’t like her family. You may not like your wife and you clearly don’t like being married and tied to all that that entails. Your wife may want to head back to the Midwest because she has family there and doesn’t in DC and that includes you. She may be better off heading home without you and starting life over. You might be happier too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here and I will try to address a few things. Yes the cost of living will be lower there, but we would still be paying $500-$600 for a home and we would lose our low interest rate. We also just put a lot of money into home renovations. My wife would most likely be making more money, but I would probably make less and have less opportunities. She moved here for me though and says now it's time for me to move for her. I don't think life works like that and it isn't really a good argument. Yes we moved here for my job, but she was able to easily find a job as well and was 100% onboard with moving here.

I moved around a lot as a kid, but my parents are also in the Midwest but not close to her family, and we would probably still see them the same amount as we do now. Her mom has helped us a lot since the baby was born, but she has a part-time job and isn't able to take more time off at the moment. My wife just freaked out about 2 months going by without seeing any of her family and that rekindled her obsession with moving. Before the baby was born we saw her family maybe 3 times a year.

Yeah, $500-600K in Burns Park area in Ann Arbor, where most of my friends with kids live, will not get you much house. IDK about Ohio. But, I'm also not sure why you wouldn't move to the same city the family is in, otherwise it will be moot.

[Anonymous]

Also, several friends in AA send kids to private, despite those *wonderful public schools,* so there's that $$ too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My man, you need to take a hard look at your situation here, because you're flirting with marriage-ending behavior. In your own words, you are not "adjusting" to the baby stage (this means you're not helping, or not helping much), and you're digging in about her getting help from family, who by your admission, doesn't like you, and I can understand why. I commend you for understanding that therapy is needed here, but to be honest, you need to snap out of this, fast. Your "if we split up I don't want to wind up in the midwest" statement tells me you're already considering this option, even passively. That's a bad sign. Ultimately, in a successful marriage, what is good for your wife and your baby is good for you as a family. This doesn't mean you're taking it on the chin. It means you're making decisions as a unit. This is presumedly what you signed up for when you said "I do" and "yes" to marriage and babies. Don't blow this man.

One has to wonder whether the push to move is happening in part because he is already blowing it, and she doesn't want to be stuck in DC with no help hundreds of miles from family if they divorce. Yes, OP, shape up.

That was my thought, too. OP's wife is tired and she's tired of solo parenting a guy who's hung up on appearances while she is drowning in the responsibilities of adulthood. It speaks volumes about you that her solution is to be closer to family, who have their own lives but are at least inclined to help.

The adjustment to parenthood is hard for everyone, and it can certainly be hard for men who don't have a lot of baby experience. But OP, don't be that guy. At least look at a few places near Ann Arbor and Columbus. And while you're waiting for an offer, read "All the Rage" and learn about the mental load.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can she move and you fly out to visit her on weekends? I know a lot of people who travel for work during the week.

Might as well divorce now. 100% OP will cheat.

The upside is OP will be near her family to help her raise the baby. Would suck to be away from everyone, divorced and without the support system. She should push to move sooner rather than later so the baby’s home is where she wants it to be since she’ll be doing the majority of the work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, several friends in AA send kids to private, despite those *wonderful public schools,* so there's that $$ too.

Private school is completely unnecessary there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, and yes, another reason I do not want to move is because our relationship has not been the greatest lately. I'm having a hard time with the baby stage and am probably not giving her the support that she needs. I know she probably has a lot of resentment towards me. I love my child, but I do miss the way life was before they were born. I am in the process of finding a therapist and I will suggest couple's counseling to her. If we were to split though, I do not want to get stuck in the midwest until my kid goes to college. My career goals do not align with that.

I honestly don't know what the answer is. I REALLY do not want to move to Ohio, but Ann Arbor has even less job opportunities for me than Columbus does. I also have a lot of friends here. My wife hasn't really made many close friends in the 8 years that we have been here, even though I have tried to encourage her to do so. She is close to her siblings, but I am not. I actually don't think they like me very much, so I'm not very keen to live closer to them. She has also stopped talking to her family when I am around, so I don't know what she has been telling them about me.

When we moved here 8 years ago, she was just as excited for the fresh start as I was. I didn't drag her here. We've invested so much into our home to make it what we want it to be. The idea of giving up everything we've built here is just unthinkable to me.

I agree, OP, that you would benefit from therapy, and coming to the realization that your previous child-free life has changed drastically. I also agree, to a certain extent, that you need to suck it up.

However, unlike other posters, I do NOT think you should move, based on the bolded. It's entirely possible your marriage could end after you move, and you would, as you said, be stuck in a place you don't want to be for the better part of two decades. There's also a (much smaller) possibility that your wife plans a divorce, but wants to move before springing it on you for just those reasons. Frankly, some of the things you say about your relationship suggest that.

Because that possibility would dramatically change, for the worse, the course of your life, I wouldn't move. Is it selfish? I guess, but it's too important a decision, and consequence, to just wave away with a "you should do it for your wife" shrug. Work on your marriage, be a better husband and father, seek therapy, etc. But do not move.