My wife wants to move and I don't
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Anonymous
| These are all supportive troll posts and no real OP. |
Anonymous
If the roles were reversed, and OP’s wife was digging in her heels about staying without articulating any other reasons except “it looks bad“, and OP was arguing on the merits of finances, family, and future of the child, I would 100% be on OP’s side. You’re just looking for a reason to make this gender biased against women. It’s irritating. You argue that the decision is too important to wave it away with a “just make her happy“ argument, but then you try to wave it away with a “just work on your marriage, etc.“ statement (when OP knows how bad things are, and clearly hasn’t worked on things, hence wife still wants to move). I mean I get it, you’re clearly advising OP to do what you would do, which put yourself first. I’m saying that’s not how (successful) marriages work. Pretty sure this is also what I said the first time. |
Anonymous
NP here but I think OP has 3 reasonable choices: 1) Do everything in his power to support his wife in an effort to get her to like living here. That means no more whining about the loss of freedom from becoming a dad. Sit down with his wife and talk through what she's missing that is making her want to move and see if they can fix that here -- hire more childcare or move a bit further out for lower COL or whatever. Really listen to her and try to find a compromise that keeps you in the area but also meets her needs for herself and your child. Be an actual partner and work together to find a way to create a life here you both love instead of just clinging to your pre-baby life and pretending nothing has changed and abandoning your wife to be the sole caretaker for your child in misery. 2) Get over your hangups about moving and move and then do your best to make the move work for you. Basically the reverse of #1 but the compromise goes the other way with you accepting a move but asking her to meet YOU halfway but you thinking about where you want to live and what would make you happy in this move. Perhaps you need to live in an urban area or you want to structure your finances so you can travel more or you want to take advantage of the lower COL and family help for the two of you to have more date nights and travel without kids to reconnect with the parts of yourself from before kids. Those are reasonable wants but so her hers and you need to balance them. 3) Divorce and let her move and you can stay here and be a holidays and occasional weekends dad. I do not think just digging in to his current position is a viable option -- refusing to move or consider a move but also making no changes to how they are living to make his wife happier and also not initiating a divorce or separation and just waiting for her to leave him. This is the cowards way out and yes it could really screw over his wife because it locks her into fighting him over this move and having to initiate the end of their family even though it sounds like right now she's doing more to try and think about how to make their lives better than he is. The status quo sucks and encouraging him to stick with it is a very short-sighted piece of advice that puts all the decision making about how they resolve this situation on his wife. It's immature. |
Anonymous
| Um growing up in Ann Arbor is hardly a "fail." Geez. |
Anonymous
You didn't answer the first question - even knowing the potential repercussions, would you advise OP to move? |
Anonymous
uh, yes? |
Anonymous
If the roles were reversed, and this was a woman saying that she had relinquished parenting to her husband, resented the impact of her two month old baby on her career, and couldn’t understand her husband’s desire to move to where he has more support, people would be asking her if she was mentally ill. They would call it PPA or PPD. People would be debating whether she should schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist or just go directly to an impatient unit. No. No one would tell her that she is being reasonable and should do what works for her. |
Anonymous
He’s been duped by the condescending talk of “flyover country” that occurs constantly in DC. |
Anonymous
I don’t get this either. I live in the Midwest. I consider living in DC kind of like living in an old Victorian with 6 roommates. It’s kind of a cool thing to do in your twenties, but no one really does it after that unless they have to or they really embrace that lifestyle. No one looks down on you for growing up and settling down once you have children. |
Anonymous
I’ve never understood the appeal of dc since I first moved there in 2000 (I’ve had to come and go several times since). This may be the best analogy I’ve ever seen to describe it. |
Anonymous
So we're clear, you're saying OP should not compromise in the marriage he's currently in, so that he can strategically cement his preferred location in the event of a divorce. This is your premise? |
Anonymous
Yes. If you thought divorce was on the horizon, would you move to a town where you don't want to live, don't know anyone, with significantly diminished career prospects, that you would have to live in for the next 15 years or so, and that you'd never be able to convince your spouse to leave because their family is there? Of course you wouldn't. And to suggest that OP shouldn't consider that is ridiculous. You're lying to yourself if you believe you wouldn't have the same thought process. |
Anonymous
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Agree that you should never move somewhere you don’t want to live if you should divorce.
Also, Ohio and Michigan are too cold for me and land-locked. I grew up in an east coast state and can’t imagine living so far from a real beach. I’d be willing to discuss a new city where a nanny is affordable, but not one of the ones the wife mentioned. |
Anonymous
| Michigan is landlocked. Lol |
Anonymous
| Whole state is a big peninsula. With beaches! |