My wife wants to move and I don't

[Anonymous]

How much of an active role are you playing with the new baby? Maybe she sees that you're slacking and she wants to lean on her family for more support.

Look at the "why" a bit deeper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Feels like we've failed" is a dumb reason, frankly. We moved 2 hours from my job because my spouse felt like it would "feel like failing" to buy a house anywhere in the entire multi-metro area where they grew up, as if they weren't successful enough to leave. This was an emotional and ego-driven reason. My crushing commute is not emotional, it's concrete, and I've even had to change jobs to do it less often.

Wanting to be near family as you raise kids and your parents get older is a good reason. Ann Arbor is not a depressed small town where your kids won't have options. Honestly, I think you need to come up with some better reasons, or seriously think about moving.

It’s not a reason. It’s his personal perception.

The OP didn’t give any reasons for his view nor support it. Hopefully he does in conversations with his life partner.
It’s the basic way to speak and discuss things: people exchange views and premises; the best ideas get strengthened and bolstered, a well-thought out decision is made.

If you are from the Midwest and move to the wonderful DMV area, you are moving up. Better quality of life, better paying jobs.
If you couldn’t make it here and decide to move back to the midwest, it’s viewed as a failure. You failed to make it in one of the most affluent and desirable places in the US.
OP has his pride and doesn’t want to be seen as a loser back home in the midwest.
It’s stupid, but that’s what it is.

No. There are more ways to skin a cat (be happy & successful) than living on the coasts.

Again, that’s your personal perception.

Btw, some people are just chickens when it comes to change or growth or moving. They also likely can’t plan anything so just shutdown at the thought of a relo.

— from the Midwest, lived all over, incl DC for 15 years, left last year for neither Midwest nor East coast.

[Anonymous]

Oh and left WDC for a $750k c level job in central time. Spouse kept their c level job job as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For what it's worth, I moved to Columbus to be closer to family and for the lower cost of living and I regret my decision every day. I never anticipated it, but I do feel like a failure, like I couldn't hack it in the big, coastal city. Moving to the midwest does feel like giving up on some level.

Another aspect to consider is that the people here are not like the people in DC or in any large coastal city for that matter, for better or worse. The culture of Columbus is very much "middle America" and if you've spent any serious amount of time living in a big city, you're probably not going to have much in common with the average person.

I lived in the Midwest after growing up on the East Coast and here you. Outside of large, transient cities, the US is a lot more insular than people think. The culture is way different. Most of the people I met wanted nothing to do with traveling to new places or meeting new people.

[Anonymous]

DH and I talked a bit about moving to be near my family in CA when our first was a baby and DH was job hunting. I saw a lot of pluses in a move but ultimately really liked our life in DC and am glad we stayed (my family is actually now moving to live near us!)

But, a huge downside of not living near them is that for many years when we had limited vacation time the great majority of it went to visiting family. The family time was important to me, my kids are close to their grandparents and close-age cousins. But I was also a little jealous of friends who could see family regularly and actually use vacation time for exploring new places.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree about moving near family not necessarily being a thing that works Greg way one envious.

In my experience unless you are within 15 minute you probably won’t see family weekly.

If cousins have age quite gap - that gap will shrink as they get older. But a 6 year difference as kids is pretty big.

Maybe a compromise would be to have kid spend summer with cousins, or go to camp together as opportunities to bond/share experiences.

Ann Arbor is expensive. Housing market tight.

Outside of campus and Barton Hills, what is so great about Ann Arbor? Plenty of dumpy housing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree about moving near family not necessarily being a thing that works Greg way one envious.

In my experience unless you are within 15 minute you probably won’t see family weekly.

If cousins have age quite gap - that gap will shrink as they get older. But a 6 year difference as kids is pretty big.

Maybe a compromise would be to have kid spend summer with cousins, or go to camp together as opportunities to bond/share experiences.

Ann Arbor is expensive. Housing market tight.

Outside of campus and Barton Hills, what is so great about Ann Arbor? Plenty of dumpy housing.

I don't think anyone could make a sincere argument that attractive housing stock is an argument in DC's favor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We recently had our first child and my wife wants to move back to the Midwest to be near family. Her preference would be Ann Arbor or Columbus. She can get a job anywhere, for me it's a little more difficult. I'm currently job hunting due to not being happy in my current position, and she's really pushing me to look in Ohio or Michigan. Moving to the Midwest just feels like we've failed, and I really don't want my child to grow up there. Before we had our child she had no desire to move, but now she wants to be near her siblings and she wants our child to grow up knowing their cousins. They will most likely be an only child, so I do understand that, but I really don't want to move. My wife would also rather have a nanny instead of daycare, but we can't afford that here. We would most likely be able to if we moved though. How do we navigate this? It's causing a lot of issues between us, and I don't know what the solution is.

Go look at different areas. Ann Arbor is great also check out Milwaukee suburbs, Whitefish Bay, Shorewood and Mequon. You could also look at north suburbs of Chicago although those are just as expensive as DC.

My husband is from the Midwest and I’m from the East Coast. We have a child and I wish we could move to the Midwest (can’t because of jobs). Not being by family and cousins (no one on my side has kids in this generation other than me) is really hard. My MIL and FiL were just in the hospital right after we visited and my husband had to go because my SIL did not have the bandwidth to help because they have 4 kids.

You don’t like your job so start looking for jobs in those areas. Go spend a weekend at each place or drop your daughter off with your in laws and check out another midwestern city. The schools are great and so easy to get appointments and sign kids up for activities. My nephew just won state in a competitive sport and he’s in elementary! It helps that he can easily get into these activities. As your child gets older it will be better to have that support system. Moving to the Midwest is not failing!

I would move in a second (and years ago I would have said heck no) if we could both get careers in the midwestern area we like and have similar salaries. My spouse was offered a job but it was a $60k cut and it didn’t make sense at all.

I would say if you live near family don’t live super close. If we moved back we would like 20-25 minutes from my SIL and an hour from my in laws. I grew up living 5 minutes from my entire maternal side and it was great as a kid but you could tell some of the adults didn’t love it. Be close enough to be near family but not close enough that someone pops over without giving you at least a text before showing up.

I would go to counseling to talk it out. According to another post you said she moved to the area for your job. If you hate your job at least look in the Midwest. Who cares about low interest rate when you can buy a house for less than in DC?!

I moved for my spouses job a lot including internationally. Once we had kids we decided we had to do what was best for our child.

There is a lot going on in various midwestern cities.

[Anonymous]

Your wife’s reasons for wanting to move sound pretty reasonable. Your reasons for staying are out of pure vanity.

[Anonymous]

Also, do you do 50% of the work? Household duties baby duties? She may also be feeling this because she knows she will need the support since she isn’t getting it at home.

My in laws help my SIL a lot because her husband thinks he doesn’t have to because he is the higher earner (they both make 6 figures in the Midwest).

My husband and I don’t have that support. He is an equal partner and when he travels for work I hire out care and he supports it. U have friends who have husbands who balk at cleaners or babysitters if they travel or work late. Support your spouse and kid. And even if you think you’re doing 50% you probably aren’t!

[Anonymous]

I lived in Ann Arbor as a kid and it was a great place to grow up. But cheap it is not.

[Anonymous]

Op needs to grow a pair.

For living in Wash dc where there are tons of military, foreign service and intl families moving in and out all the time, he sure hasn’t picked up on it.

Might be a troll Op. it’s just so lame.

They have an opportunity to move with a young child before school years and Op wants a new and better job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I lived in Ann Arbor as a kid and it was a great place to grow up. But cheap it is not.

UM Hospital has a ton of highly paid people who have to live somewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For what it's worth, I moved to Columbus to be closer to family and for the lower cost of living and I regret my decision every day. I never anticipated it, but I do feel like a failure, like I couldn't hack it in the big, coastal city. Moving to the midwest does feel like giving up on some level.

Another aspect to consider is that the people here are not like the people in DC or in any large coastal city for that matter, for better or worse. The culture of Columbus is very much "middle America" and if you've spent any serious amount of time living in a big city, you're probably not going to have much in common with the average person.

None of this holds for Ann Arbor though. They could just target there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I talked a bit about moving to be near my family in CA when our first was a baby and DH was job hunting. I saw a lot of pluses in a move but ultimately really liked our life in DC and am glad we stayed (my family is actually now moving to live near us!)

But, a huge downside of not living near them is that for many years when we had limited vacation time the great majority of it went to visiting family. The family time was important to me, my kids are close to their grandparents and close-age cousins. But I was also a little jealous of friends who could see family regularly and actually use vacation time for exploring new places.

+1. Also have all family on the west coast. We spend most of our vacation time (not to mention money) visiting relatives, and as my parents age it is going to be hard to visit as often as I want. I like many aspects of where we live in the DMV, but it’s difficult being so far away from family. We also have to spend many holidays alone because the logistics make it difficult to travel.