My wife wants to move and I don't

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be careful, moving to a general area “near” family is nothing like moving to their city. My family lives an hour away and I see them every other month or so.

Agree that near family is a vague term and it’s confusing that she’s thinking about 2 different states in the same region, neither of which are too too far from DC. Does your wife have one sibling in each place and she wants to be in the same town as one of them? Is she trying to get within range of an easy weekend drive? What specifically does she want?

I visited my hometown this summer and I think I understand what you mean about feeling like failing by going back. My sibling is wildly successful financially, even by DC standards, but it seems kind of weird to me that their kids graduated from the same high school we went to, and I ran into several classmates at one of those HS graduations because their kids were also graduating from that school. This isn’t a small town, it’s a real city. 800 kids in the graduating class. But people like it there and they stay. I don’t and I left and I don’t want to go back.

That said, the thing I had to admit about myself this summer, in response to some very candid conversations with my partner about moving to be near family, is that I don’t want the responsibility of being near family. I don’t want to be tied to getting together for all of the birthday dinners and holidays. I don’t want to live near my parents or sibling and fit all the strings that comes with that into our already busy lives. It works very well for me for our visits to be special, occasional, snd relatively short. I love my parents and my sibling, but we all get along much better with me living here, in large part because I don't want to, and have never wanted to, do what’s expected of me with my family of origin. In that way I’ve come to realize I’m selfish. My sibling truly enjoys a lot of that stuff, and they’re also just a better sibling and child than I am.

Anyway I wrote all of that to say that feeling like a failure doesn’t seem like a very good reason, but you may want to do some self exploration to see if you can better understand your own concerns and use that to have a more open and honest conversation with your wife.

Yes she has family in both cities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here and I will try to address a few things. Yes the cost of living will be lower there, but we would still be paying $500-$600 for a home and we would lose our low interest rate. We also just put a lot of money into home renovations. My wife would most likely be making more money, but I would probably make less and have less opportunities. She moved here for me though and says now it's time for me to move for her. I don't think life works like that and it isn't really a good argument. Yes we moved here for my job, but she was able to easily find a job as well and was 100% onboard with moving here.

I moved around a lot as a kid, but my parents are also in the Midwest but not close to her family, and we would probably still see them the same amount as we do now. Her mom has helped us a lot since the baby was born, but she has a part-time job and isn't able to take more time off at the moment. My wife just freaked out about 2 months going by without seeing any of her family and that rekindled her obsession with moving. Before the baby was born we saw her family maybe 3 times a year.

How does life work? She always sacrifices for you because that's her job and you don't ever sacrifice for her because you're the man?

She's asking you to apply for jobs there, when you're already in a job search. If you apply and don't get them, or they're much lower-paying, you have a valid argument. But "I shouldn't have to put your job first just because you put mine first, that's not real life" is not a good argument at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be careful, moving to a general area “near” family is nothing like moving to their city. My family lives an hour away and I see them every other month or so.

+1. You should move to within 30 min of your family if you expect to see them on a weekly basis.

I agree with others that your wife has articulated excellent reasons for moving and you have not. I have been an East Coaster all my life but my brother moved to the Midwest to be in the next town over from his wife’s family and I consider them extremely lucky/smart to have/take that option. Opposite of a failure. There is truly something magical about growing up near grandparents and cousins and seeing them regularly.

[Anonymous]

This is a tough one. I would be really upset,
for instance, if my spouse wanted to move to Atlanta or Florida, for instance, while recognizing that for other people that might work out perfectly. I think you need to consider it, and have some more thought out reasons why you are opposed. Also, I agree with a PP who points out that it might not end up being all that she thinks it will be, especially if there is any kind of age difference between the cousins or if the grand parents are aging.

[Anonymous]

Well, how much do you want this marriage to succeed? You have a wife who doesn’t want her baby in daycare and wants to be close to family. I can see Ohio being a hard pass but Ann Arbor is a great QOL.

You don’t like your job, you’re looking anyway, I don’t see much reason to resist this. Your objection is essentially “I don’t wanna.”

Either figure out how to have a nanny here and much more frequent/lonfer trips home, or move.

[Anonymous]

It seems like there are a lot of good reasons to move. And the only reason not to is your idea that it signifies failure.

[Anonymous]

OP, this area is great when kids are babies and then it kind of sucks as they get older.

Also … this isn’t permanent. If you’re miserable, you could move again.

But you might like it.

[Anonymous]

People love Ann Arbor.

[Anonymous]

Ann Arbor is a pocket of cool in the Midwest. There are several of them.
It only feels like failure to a parochial lifelong east coaster who is accustomed to mocking “flyover.” These people are ignorant idiots and their attitude helped get trump elected in 2016.
There is amazing quality of life in the Midwest much better than the east coast. People are less edgy and sarcastic but they are not less intelligent. It’s different but not worse and probably better than your life right now since it sounds like you can’t afford to live well here. That’s fine, most people can’t even the one who could have 20 years ago.

[Anonymous]

I faced this same dilemma 16 years ago and moved. Happy wife happy life.

Is your firstborn a girl? It’s likely your wife is looking at the kids around here and thinking she doesn’t want her kids to be like them. I can relate and there’s really nothing rational you can saw or do to counter it.

And why would the Midwest be “failing?” I can’t speak for Ann Arbor, but southern Ohio is booming. Good jobs should are plentiful and the area west and south of Columbus down to the northern suburbs of cincy is really nice. I go there for work often and the people are really nice, mortgages don’t leave them house poor, schools are good, and the pace of life seems manageable.

From experience, raising kids and teenagers in the dc metro is a complete circus clown show every day. Maybe I’m romanticizing it as greener grass, but trust your wife’s intuition.

[Anonymous]

Both ann arbor and columbus have a lot going for them: great public schools (at least in some parts of columbus), affordable housing, top notch universities and mcol. Plus both your families are either nearby or in the midwest. I would apply to jobs in those cities at least and get into counseling. I have good friends who moved to columbus (both professors) who had basically never stepped foot in the midwest (one is european the other from ny) and they have an amazing quality of life.

More broadly, it sounds like you and wife need to figure out how to work through significant differences. I hear no strong reasons for you to stay and lots to move, but if you are going to resent her for it, the marriage will suffer. What's more important to you?

[Anonymous]

Are you a very high earner? I ask because it’s relatively easy to afford DC pre-kids. I assume you’re not living in a location that requires private school and out of state college savings?

To me, DC is a place to work and a company town. I’d jump at the chance to earn a similar salary in a different place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I faced this same dilemma 16 years ago and moved. Happy wife happy life.

Is your firstborn a girl? It’s likely your wife is looking at the kids around here and thinking she doesn’t want her kids to be like them. I can relate and there’s really nothing rational you can saw or do to counter it.

And why would the Midwest be “failing?” I can’t speak for Ann Arbor, but southern Ohio is booming. Good jobs should are plentiful and the area west and south of Columbus down to the northern suburbs of cincy is really nice. I go there for work often and the people are really nice, mortgages don’t leave them house poor, schools are good, and the pace of life seems manageable.

From experience, raising kids and teenagers in the dc metro is a complete circus clown show every day. Maybe I’m romanticizing it as greener grass, but trust your wife’s intuition.

Raising kids in the DMV is similar to any large metro area. I have family in NJ (NY suburb) and Dallas and it’s more or less the same.

[Anonymous]

Do you have friends/important hobbies where you are? What’s tying you to your current home; really?

We live one hour from my family and 3 from dh’s family. We see dh’s family 3 times per year max. I do wish we would see them more, especially as the grandparents are getting older.

And yes it may be time for your wife to get a “turn” —give us legit reasons for you to stay besides interest rates and maybe we will be on your side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I faced this same dilemma 16 years ago and moved. Happy wife happy life.

Is your firstborn a girl? It’s likely your wife is looking at the kids around here and thinking she doesn’t want her kids to be like them. I can relate and there’s really nothing rational you can saw or do to counter it.

And why would the Midwest be “failing?” I can’t speak for Ann Arbor, but southern Ohio is booming. Good jobs should are plentiful and the area west and south of Columbus down to the northern suburbs of cincy is really nice. I go there for work often and the people are really nice, mortgages don’t leave them house poor, schools are good, and the pace of life seems manageable.

From experience, raising kids and teenagers in the dc metro is a complete circus clown show every day. Maybe I’m romanticizing it as greener grass, but trust your wife’s intuition.

Raising kids in the DMV is similar to any large metro area. I have family in NJ (NY suburb) and Dallas and it’s more or less the same.

Why is it a circus clown show? I don’t have teenagers yet so I’m curious. I moved around a lot growing up though and every place has its challenges.