My sister told me I am not allowed to grieve our father in her house around her baby

[Anonymous]

Good lord. The baby isn't going to remember a thing if you cry and carry on. I'd be so annoyed if my sister told me this.

[Anonymous]

And your sister can deal with it within reason

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I don't really see the big deal.

Can't you just.. not cry at her house? It's a weird rule, but her house her rules.

My mother who I wasn't even close with died three years ago. Yesterday a Neil Diamond song came on and it reminded me of when my mom and I listened to it when I was 18 and we sang together and danced around the living room. I cried. I did not schedule crying for that time - I had other things on my calendar. But that's how crying works - it just arrives.

So you leave then? What are you going to do, just sit there crying in front of someone who told you they don't want to deal with that? Clearly she is struggling and overwhelmed and doesn't want to (or can't) deal with a bunch of people crying and reminiscing in her home. If you want to cry, cry somewhere else.

So I should go stand outside in 95 degree weather by myself and cry on someone's driveway? Make it make sense.

So you should be allowed to cry whenever you want in your sister's house even after she has asked you not to? Make it make sense.

Yes, because people feel their feelings. It's not reasonable to ask someone to not cry. Is the sister going to tell her baby not to cry and go outside if she has to? That makes no sense.

So any feelings you feel, you can feel them in her house, at any time, for as many months or years as you want to? Come on.

Can't you see your sister is stressed and overwhelmed and YOUR GRIEF IS NOT HER PROBLEM?

I am not OP. I am just a poster who thinks OP's sister is ridiculous to say someone can't cry in her house. The sister can keep changing a diaper or making dinner or doing a load of laundry or whatever while OP cries if she needs to. Sister doesn't need to DO anything. Grief is not a problem to fix.

Nor does this new mom want to deal with everyone else sobbing while she's trying to care for her child. You are so callous to the sister "well she can just go do laundry while OP cries" how about OP adults up and goes somewhere else instead? You'd relegate a homeowner to chores because you (or OP) can't control yourself or step outside for a few minutes? Disgusting.

What’s disgusting is a daughter telling her recently widowed mother that she can’t cry in her house during her first visit to see the baby since his death. That is disgusting and cruel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not stay in her house. She is nuts with stress or whatever. Don't feed her thing.
Invite her to join you on neutral ground.

This

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I don't really see the big deal.

Can't you just.. not cry at her house? It's a weird rule, but her house her rules.

My mother who I wasn't even close with died three years ago. Yesterday a Neil Diamond song came on and it reminded me of when my mom and I listened to it when I was 18 and we sang together and danced around the living room. I cried. I did not schedule crying for that time - I had other things on my calendar. But that's how crying works - it just arrives.

So you leave then? What are you going to do, just sit there crying in front of someone who told you they don't want to deal with that? Clearly she is struggling and overwhelmed and doesn't want to (or can't) deal with a bunch of people crying and reminiscing in her home. If you want to cry, cry somewhere else.

So I should go stand outside in 95 degree weather by myself and cry on someone's driveway? Make it make sense.

So you should be allowed to cry whenever you want in your sister's house even after she has asked you not to? Make it make sense.

Yes, because people feel their feelings. It's not reasonable to ask someone to not cry. Is the sister going to tell her baby not to cry and go outside if she has to? That makes no sense.

So any feelings you feel, you can feel them in her house, at any time, for as many months or years as you want to? Come on.

Can't you see your sister is stressed and overwhelmed and YOUR GRIEF IS NOT HER PROBLEM?

I am not OP. I am just a poster who thinks OP's sister is ridiculous to say someone can't cry in her house. The sister can keep changing a diaper or making dinner or doing a load of laundry or whatever while OP cries if she needs to. Sister doesn't need to DO anything. Grief is not a problem to fix.

Nor does this new mom want to deal with everyone else sobbing while she's trying to care for her child. You are so callous to the sister "well she can just go do laundry while OP cries" how about OP adults up and goes somewhere else instead? You'd relegate a homeowner to chores because you (or OP) can't control yourself or step outside for a few minutes? Disgusting.

What’s disgusting is a daughter telling her recently widowed mother that she can’t cry in her house during her first visit to see the baby since his death. That is disgusting and cruel.

It's been 5 months. Cry somewhere else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And your sister can deal with it within reason

5 months is beyond the "deal with it" window.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:The responses on this post take the cake. What a bunch of unfeeling losers. People can't completely clamp down on grief. That doesn't mean they get to go wailing in the streets all the time. Yes, they can leave if it happens in an awkward circumstance, but to act like having the feelings is inappropriate is just...weird and cold.

Their mom is coming to visit. Sister is using the baby to avoid saying what she really means. She is afraid of her moms grief.

Maybe she shouldn't be hosting yet.

Who cares who she's blaming or why she doesn't want the grief. She doesn't want it in her house, period. Respect it or stay TF away from her house if you can't control yourself.

I dont think anyone is saying its inappropriate to have feelings, but it's always nice to see people twisting posts here to fit their own narrative.

Banning grief from a house is a certain way to make sure that the kid is forever screwed up.

Yes, I'm sure asking her distraught sister and mother to control themselves around her baby will really damage baby's poor psyche indefinitely

Have some respect and care about someone other than yourself for a change, it's nice to respect peoples boundaries.

It’s a symptom of a person who has an unhealthy response to grief that won’t be limited to this one instance. A decent friend or loving family member doesn’t suggest grief be bottled up as an inconvenience. That’s not caring or respectful, it’s cold and unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And your sister can deal with it within reason

5 months is beyond the "deal with it" window.

Absolutely not

[Anonymous]

Don’t visit your sister.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I don't really see the big deal.

Can't you just.. not cry at her house? It's a weird rule, but her house her rules.

My mother who I wasn't even close with died three years ago. Yesterday a Neil Diamond song came on and it reminded me of when my mom and I listened to it when I was 18 and we sang together and danced around the living room. I cried. I did not schedule crying for that time - I had other things on my calendar. But that's how crying works - it just arrives.

So you leave then? What are you going to do, just sit there crying in front of someone who told you they don't want to deal with that? Clearly she is struggling and overwhelmed and doesn't want to (or can't) deal with a bunch of people crying and reminiscing in her home. If you want to cry, cry somewhere else.

So I should go stand outside in 95 degree weather by myself and cry on someone's driveway? Make it make sense.

So you should be allowed to cry whenever you want in your sister's house even after she has asked you not to? Make it make sense.

Yes, because people feel their feelings. It's not reasonable to ask someone to not cry. Is the sister going to tell her baby not to cry and go outside if she has to? That makes no sense.

So any feelings you feel, you can feel them in her house, at any time, for as many months or years as you want to? Come on.

Can't you see your sister is stressed and overwhelmed and YOUR GRIEF IS NOT HER PROBLEM?

I am not OP. I am just a poster who thinks OP's sister is ridiculous to say someone can't cry in her house. The sister can keep changing a diaper or making dinner or doing a load of laundry or whatever while OP cries if she needs to. Sister doesn't need to DO anything. Grief is not a problem to fix.

Nor does this new mom want to deal with everyone else sobbing while she's trying to care for her child. You are so callous to the sister "well she can just go do laundry while OP cries" how about OP adults up and goes somewhere else instead? You'd relegate a homeowner to chores because you (or OP) can't control yourself or step outside for a few minutes? Disgusting.

What’s disgusting is a daughter telling her recently widowed mother that she can’t cry in her house during her first visit to see the baby since his death. That is disgusting and cruel.

It's been 5 months. Cry somewhere else.

Maybe your father/mother/husband/whatever will die soon. Then get back to us after 5 months.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I don't really see the big deal.

Can't you just.. not cry at her house? It's a weird rule, but her house her rules.

My mother who I wasn't even close with died three years ago. Yesterday a Neil Diamond song came on and it reminded me of when my mom and I listened to it when I was 18 and we sang together and danced around the living room. I cried. I did not schedule crying for that time - I had other things on my calendar. But that's how crying works - it just arrives.

So you leave then? What are you going to do, just sit there crying in front of someone who told you they don't want to deal with that? Clearly she is struggling and overwhelmed and doesn't want to (or can't) deal with a bunch of people crying and reminiscing in her home. If you want to cry, cry somewhere else.

So I should go stand outside in 95 degree weather by myself and cry on someone's driveway? Make it make sense.

So you should be allowed to cry whenever you want in your sister's house even after she has asked you not to? Make it make sense.

Yes, because people feel their feelings. It's not reasonable to ask someone to not cry. Is the sister going to tell her baby not to cry and go outside if she has to? That makes no sense.

So any feelings you feel, you can feel them in her house, at any time, for as many months or years as you want to? Come on.

Can't you see your sister is stressed and overwhelmed and YOUR GRIEF IS NOT HER PROBLEM?

I am not OP. I am just a poster who thinks OP's sister is ridiculous to say someone can't cry in her house. The sister can keep changing a diaper or making dinner or doing a load of laundry or whatever while OP cries if she needs to. Sister doesn't need to DO anything. Grief is not a problem to fix.

Nor does this new mom want to deal with everyone else sobbing while she's trying to care for her child. You are so callous to the sister "well she can just go do laundry while OP cries" how about OP adults up and goes somewhere else instead? You'd relegate a homeowner to chores because you (or OP) can't control yourself or step outside for a few minutes? Disgusting.

What’s disgusting is a daughter telling her recently widowed mother that she can’t cry in her house during her first visit to see the baby since his death. That is disgusting and cruel.

It's been 5 months. Cry somewhere else.

Maybe your father/mother/husband/whatever will die soon. Then get back to us after 5 months.

I think at 5 months if I'm still such a mess that I'm not capable of getting up and walking into another room to respect another person's stated boundaries, then professional help is needed.

The sister wanted them to not cry *in her house* *in front of her baby*. A very narrow and specific request that, at 5 months, should be doable. All of these people are grieving and the sister's needs are no less valid than anyone else's. There's no right to have someone else's baby as an audience for your crying.

[Anonymous]

Op I lost my father in a traumatic way and i was grieving also when I a baby. Your sister is putting up boundaries which is her way of saying she’s tapped when the baby is around. It sounds like shes willing to listen to you at lunch and be supportive. Look at the positives. Don’t get offended that she put up boundaries around when she’s with her baby. If you or your mom are so fragile at five months that keeping it together is a struggle, really I think you should consider finding a professional to help you work through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the bare minimum point is that crying people make the baby cry. Babies mirror emotions. I don't think crying around the baby will do lasting damage. It just will get the baby rattled that hour or day.

So don't make your sister cry while she's holding the baby and baby can see.

And OP shouldn't cry and look at the baby. If the baby can't see or hear it, it's a non-event.

I think the point is to keep long, sad discussions somewhere where baby's day won't be disturbed. That could even be another part of the house.

To me this is like saying "Don't wind me up!" It's not that big a deal.

I’m sorry but this is just funny. Anyone who thinks they can program a 9 month old’s day so they are never disturbed or upset hasn’t had a baby in a long long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the bare minimum point is that crying people make the baby cry. Babies mirror emotions. I don't think crying around the baby will do lasting damage. It just will get the baby rattled that hour or day.

So don't make your sister cry while she's holding the baby and baby can see.

And OP shouldn't cry and look at the baby. If the baby can't see or hear it, it's a non-event.

I think the point is to keep long, sad discussions somewhere where baby's day won't be disturbed. That could even be another part of the house.

To me this is like saying "Don't wind me up!" It's not that big a deal.

I’m sorry but this is just funny. Anyone who thinks they can program a 9 month old’s day so they are never disturbed or upset hasn’t had a baby in a long long time.

It's to make the baby cry less than the baby otherwise would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the bare minimum point is that crying people make the baby cry. Babies mirror emotions. I don't think crying around the baby will do lasting damage. It just will get the baby rattled that hour or day.

So don't make your sister cry while she's holding the baby and baby can see.

And OP shouldn't cry and look at the baby. If the baby can't see or hear it, it's a non-event.

I think the point is to keep long, sad discussions somewhere where baby's day won't be disturbed. That could even be another part of the house.

To me this is like saying "Don't wind me up!" It's not that big a deal.

I’m sorry but this is just funny. Anyone who thinks they can program a 9 month old’s day so they are never disturbed or upset hasn’t had a baby in a long long time.

It's to make the baby cry less than the
baby otherwise would.

You still can’t control that. A fire truck going by could make the baby cry. Baby won’t remember this anyway. She could spend a whole day shrieking and it will make no difference to the baby.

As someone who recently lost a parent I also think it’s a super weird ask. To say you’d like to keep things as upbeat as possible, sure. To forbid any show of negative emotion in your home is weird. As another PP said it’s totally normal that a grandmother might tear up for a few moments when holding a grandchild and thinking about how her husband isn’t there. Preemptively forbidding this is bizarre.

If the grandmother is prone to hours-long fits of hysteria that’s different but again has more to do with other adults not wanting to be dragged through that versus a baby. My cousins brought their 10 months old to my mom’s funeral and the kid wasn’t phased at all. And obviously won’t remember it either way.