My sister told me I am not allowed to grieve our father in her house around her baby

[Anonymous]

Don't go to her house. Make her talk to you in your front yard. Screw her she's nutz.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she does not want to host a cry session while also parenting a baby. That seems very reasonable to me. You and your mom can find another location for this. Stop putting it on your sister to take care of you.

[Anonymous]

If she's normally reasonable, since you see her regularly, I'd guess she's preempting the waterworks that she anticipates with your mom's visit. Once one of you tears up in your mom's presence, it will open the floodgate.

At least, that's how I'd read my sibling.

[Anonymous]

My MIL and I had a shared tragedy while she was visiting (think DH in a bad car accident). She walked around my house shaking and crying and looking to me for comfort while I was trying to keep it together for 3 very young kids and had zero capacity left to take care of someone else or even let my own emotions in. Thank god she decided to leave on her own or I'd have had to ask her to leave.

So while in general I think your sister sounds nutty, I can also see a circumstance where your grief could be too much for her to take on if you're not able to reasonably keep it together and manage yourself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She has a 9 month old baby and our father passed 5 months ago. My mother is visiting for the first time since his death and it will be a hard and emotional visit. My sister says she does not want negative energy in her house or around her baby and we can cry when we are at my place or outside.

I thought this was such a weird comment to make.

I would get up and immediately leave. Policing a new widow’s grief is not cool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She has a 9 month old baby and our father passed 5 months ago. My mother is visiting for the first time since his death and it will be a hard and emotional visit. My sister says she does not want negative energy in her house or around her baby and we can cry when we are at my place or outside.

I thought this was such a weird comment to make.

Please don't stay with that effed up hormonal woman. And don't let your mother near her.

[Anonymous]

She’s saying she can’t handle it.

[Anonymous]

I don't really see the big deal.

Can't you just.. not cry at her house? It's a weird rule, but her house her rules.

[Anonymous]

She sounds overwhelmed. My advice to you and your mom is to be helpful and stay at a hotel nearby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You both taking it too far in both directions. Your all crying must be bad if she said so.
On the other hand, I'd never cry 5 months afterwards and my sister would not have the need to say it.

C'mon, you can't see how holding a grandbaby your dad will never get to meet might make you choke up a little?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She has a 9 month old baby and our father passed 5 months ago. My mother is visiting for the first time since his death and it will be a hard and emotional visit. My sister says she does not want negative energy in her house or around her baby and we can cry when we are at my place or outside.

I thought this was such a weird comment to make.

Team Sister. I get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She has a 9 month old baby and our father passed 5 months ago. My mother is visiting for the first time since his death and it will be a hard and emotional visit. My sister says she does not want negative energy in her house or around her baby and we can cry when we are at my place or outside.

I thought this was such a weird comment to make.

Team Sister. I get it.

I do too. Might have been clumsily stated. But I get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I see my sister once a week. We grab brunch or coffee. We chat and catch up. We of course talk about our dad and I tear up. But thats it.

So...I don't know how she equated that to screaming and crying for hours on end.

Did she actually say those words, OP? Why are you exaggerating? Her baby is in their fear period. Surely you can understand that you can't negatively impact their development at this critical juncture. Get a hold of yourself, and if you think you can't, don't visit right now. Or shorten the visit.

PP, you sound nuts. Fear period, critical juncture in development… dramatic much?How would seeing an adult cry permanently derail a baby’s development when they spend much of their first year crying. Are they derailing their own development then? Ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't really see the big deal.

Can't you just.. not cry at her house? It's a weird rule, but her house her rules.

My mother who I wasn't even close with died three years ago. Yesterday a Neil Diamond song came on and it reminded me of when my mom and I listened to it when I was 18 and we sang together and danced around the living room. I cried. I did not schedule crying for that time - I had other things on my calendar. But that's how crying works - it just arrives.

[Anonymous]

Your sister is in a vulnerable position. Sounds like your dad died when she had a 4 month old. So she has been dealing with grief + new infant. She may have gotten to a place of self protection to get through the day and is worried about a grief spiral setting her back. It may not even be about anything you’ve done thus far, but she knows you and your mom are very sad still. Your original nuclear family getting together without him could exacerbate that grief so she is trying to be proactive (although in a somewhat clunky way). If I were her I would have made it more about me (as I can’t talk about it because I need to focus on new motherhood) than dictate what others do around me.

That said, maybe get together separately with your mom first so you can ride that initial wave of grief together. Then go be strong for your sister and niece. I think most fathers would want their wife/children/grandchildren to continue to make happy memories once they are gone, so maybe look at it as honoring the family he helped build.