My sister told me I am not allowed to grieve our father in her house around her baby

[Anonymous]

I would offer to watch the baby for a few hours and get your sister to leave her house for a break. Then you can have a big hold-the-baby-and-cry session and it won't bother her.

I think your sister is just maxed out and doesn't want to be your mom's support person. So you be that person instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She has a 9 month old baby and our father passed 5 months ago. My mother is visiting for the first time since his death and it will be a hard and emotional visit. My sister says she does not want negative energy in her house or around her baby and we can cry when we are at my place or outside.

I thought this was such a weird comment to make.

Team Sister. I get it.

You all are insane. Nothing that will realistically happen is going to affect the baby in any way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really see the big deal.

Can't you just.. not cry at her house? It's a weird rule, but her house her rules.

My mother who I wasn't even close with died three years ago. Yesterday a Neil Diamond song came on and it reminded me of when my mom and I listened to it when I was 18 and we sang together and danced around the living room. I cried. I did not schedule crying for that time - I had other things on my calendar. But that's how crying works - it just arrives.

So you leave then? What are you going to do, just sit there crying in front of someone who told you they don't want to deal with that? Clearly she is struggling and overwhelmed and doesn't want to (or can't) deal with a bunch of people crying and reminiscing in her home. If you want to cry, cry somewhere else.

[Anonymous]

Don't be in her house. She can come to you or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I see my sister once a week. We grab brunch or coffee. We chat and catch up. We of course talk about our dad and I tear up. But thats it.

So...I don't know how she equated that to screaming and crying for hours on end.

I’m team sister. Did she really say, “I don’t want you screaming and crying for hours on end in my house”? That is not how you phrased it in your initial post.

Either way - hell yes, no screaming & crying for hours. That’s obvious. A lot of posters have good advice, she may be dealing with a tough phase for her child, or worried about her own feelings & trying to keep calm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really see the big deal.

Can't you just.. not cry at her house? It's a weird rule, but her house her rules.

My mother who I wasn't even close with died three years ago. Yesterday a Neil Diamond song came on and it reminded me of when my mom and I listened to it when I was 18 and we sang together and danced around the living room. I cried. I did not schedule crying for that time - I had other things on my calendar. But that's how crying works - it just arrives.

So you leave then? What are you going to do, just sit there crying in front of someone who told you they don't want to deal with that? Clearly she is struggling and overwhelmed and doesn't want to (or can't) deal with a bunch of people crying and reminiscing in her home. If you want to cry, cry somewhere else.

Yes leave. Grief doesn't mean other people can't have boundaries. It's been 5 months, so if you really can't pull it together to go outside the house, you need professional help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really see the big deal.

Can't you just.. not cry at her house? It's a weird rule, but her house her rules.

My mother who I wasn't even close with died three years ago. Yesterday a Neil Diamond song came on and it reminded me of when my mom and I listened to it when I was 18 and we sang together and danced around the living room. I cried. I did not schedule crying for that time - I had other things on my calendar. But that's how crying works - it just arrives.

So you leave then? What are you going to do, just sit there crying in front of someone who told you they don't want to deal with that? Clearly she is struggling and overwhelmed and doesn't want to (or can't) deal with a bunch of people crying and reminiscing in her home. If you want to cry, cry somewhere else.

So I should go stand outside in 95 degree weather by myself and cry on someone's driveway? Make it make sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really see the big deal.

Can't you just.. not cry at her house? It's a weird rule, but her house her rules.

My mother who I wasn't even close with died three years ago. Yesterday a Neil Diamond song came on and it reminded me of when my mom and I listened to it when I was 18 and we sang together and danced around the living room. I cried. I did not schedule crying for that time - I had other things on my calendar. But that's how crying works - it just arrives.

So you leave then? What are you going to do, just sit there crying in front of someone who told you they don't want to deal with that? Clearly she is struggling and overwhelmed and doesn't want to (or can't) deal with a bunch of people crying and reminiscing in her home. If you want to cry, cry somewhere else.

So I should go stand outside in 95 degree weather by myself and cry on someone's driveway? Make it make sense.

Yeah, or a car, or take an Uber to somewhere, or at least a separate room. You need to take some responsibility for meeting your needs and not make your sister have to deal with you. You both lost your father. She has her needs, you have yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really see the big deal.

Can't you just.. not cry at her house? It's a weird rule, but her house her rules.

My mother who I wasn't even close with died three years ago. Yesterday a Neil Diamond song came on and it reminded me of when my mom and I listened to it when I was 18 and we sang together and danced around the living room. I cried. I did not schedule crying for that time - I had other things on my calendar. But that's how crying works - it just arrives.

So you leave then? What are you going to do, just sit there crying in front of someone who told you they don't want to deal with that? Clearly she is struggling and overwhelmed and doesn't want to (or can't) deal with a bunch of people crying and reminiscing in her home. If you want to cry, cry somewhere else.

So I should go stand outside in 95 degree weather by myself and cry on someone's driveway? Make it make sense.

So you should be allowed to cry whenever you want in your sister's house even after she has asked you not to? Make it make sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really see the big deal.

Can't you just.. not cry at her house? It's a weird rule, but her house her rules.

My mother who I wasn't even close with died three years ago. Yesterday a Neil Diamond song came on and it reminded me of when my mom and I listened to it when I was 18 and we sang together and danced around the living room. I cried. I did not schedule crying for that time - I had other things on my calendar. But that's how crying works - it just arrives.

So you leave then? What are you going to do, just sit there crying in front of someone who told you they don't want to deal with that? Clearly she is struggling and overwhelmed and doesn't want to (or can't) deal with a bunch of people crying and reminiscing in her home. If you want to cry, cry somewhere else.

So I should go stand outside in 95 degree weather by myself and cry on someone's driveway? Make it make sense.

So you should be allowed to cry whenever you want in your sister's house even after she has asked you not to? Make it make sense.

Yes, because people feel their feelings. It's not reasonable to ask someone to not cry. Is the sister going to tell her baby not to cry and go outside if she has to? That makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really see the big deal.

Can't you just.. not cry at her house? It's a weird rule, but her house her rules.

My mother who I wasn't even close with died three years ago. Yesterday a Neil Diamond song came on and it reminded me of when my mom and I listened to it when I was 18 and we sang together and danced around the living room. I cried. I did not schedule crying for that time - I had other things on my calendar. But that's how crying works - it just arrives.

So you leave then? What are you going to do, just sit there crying in front of someone who told you they don't want to deal with that? Clearly she is struggling and overwhelmed and doesn't want to (or can't) deal with a bunch of people crying and reminiscing in her home. If you want to cry, cry somewhere else.

So I should go stand outside in 95 degree weather by myself and cry on someone's driveway? Make it make sense.

So you should be allowed to cry whenever you want in your sister's house even after she has asked you not to? Make it make sense.

Yes, because people feel their feelings. It's not reasonable to ask someone to not cry. Is the sister going to tell her baby not to cry and go outside if she has to? That makes no sense.

So any feelings you feel, you can feel them in her house, at any time, for as many months or years as you want to? Come on.

Can't you see your sister is stressed and overwhelmed and YOUR GRIEF IS NOT HER PROBLEM?

[Anonymous]

So at what point is your sister allowed to have any boundaries about what happens in her home?

[Anonymous]

I think the bare minimum point is that crying people make the baby cry. Babies mirror emotions. I don't think crying around the baby will do lasting damage. It just will get the baby rattled that hour or day.

So don't make your sister cry while she's holding the baby and baby can see.

And OP shouldn't cry and look at the baby. If the baby can't see or hear it, it's a non-event.

I think the point is to keep long, sad discussions somewhere where baby's day won't be disturbed. That could even be another part of the house.

To me this is like saying "Don't wind me up!" It's not that big a deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really see the big deal.

Can't you just.. not cry at her house? It's a weird rule, but her house her rules.

My mother who I wasn't even close with died three years ago. Yesterday a Neil Diamond song came on and it reminded me of when my mom and I listened to it when I was 18 and we sang together and danced around the living room. I cried. I did not schedule crying for that time - I had other things on my calendar. But that's how crying works - it just arrives.

So you leave then? What are you going to do, just sit there crying in front of someone who told you they don't want to deal with that? Clearly she is struggling and overwhelmed and doesn't want to (or can't) deal with a bunch of people crying and reminiscing in her home. If you want to cry, cry somewhere else.

So I should go stand outside in 95 degree weather by myself and cry on someone's driveway? Make it make sense.

Uh yeah. Or your car. Or before you go in. Seriously, you arent entitled to act however you feel like in someone elses home. Have some respect for the new mother in her own god damn house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really see the big deal.

Can't you just.. not cry at her house? It's a weird rule, but her house her rules.

My mother who I wasn't even close with died three years ago. Yesterday a Neil Diamond song came on and it reminded me of when my mom and I listened to it when I was 18 and we sang together and danced around the living room. I cried. I did not schedule crying for that time - I had other things on my calendar. But that's how crying works - it just arrives.

So you leave then? What are you going to do, just sit there crying in front of someone who told you they don't want to deal with that? Clearly she is struggling and overwhelmed and doesn't want to (or can't) deal with a bunch of people crying and reminiscing in her home. If you want to cry, cry somewhere else.

So I should go stand outside in 95 degree weather by myself and cry on someone's driveway? Make it make sense.

So you should be allowed to cry whenever you want in your sister's house even after she has asked you not to? Make it make sense.

Yes, because people feel their feelings. It's not reasonable to ask someone to not cry. Is the sister going to tell her baby not to cry and go outside if she has to? That makes no sense.

She didn't ask OP not to cry - just not to cry at her house/around her baby. You are entitled to your feelings, but you are not entitled to disrupt someone elses home because you can't handle your emotions.