My sister told me I am not allowed to grieve our father in her house around her baby

[Anonymous]

Do not stay in her house. She is nuts with stress or whatever. Don't feed her thing.
Invite her to join you on neutral ground.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really see the big deal.

Can't you just.. not cry at her house? It's a weird rule, but her house her rules.

My mother who I wasn't even close with died three years ago. Yesterday a Neil Diamond song came on and it reminded me of when my mom and I listened to it when I was 18 and we sang together and danced around the living room. I cried. I did not schedule crying for that time - I had other things on my calendar. But that's how crying works - it just arrives.

So you leave then? What are you going to do, just sit there crying in front of someone who told you they don't want to deal with that? Clearly she is struggling and overwhelmed and doesn't want to (or can't) deal with a bunch of people crying and reminiscing in her home. If you want to cry, cry somewhere else.

So I should go stand outside in 95 degree weather by myself and cry on someone's driveway? Make it make sense.

So you should be allowed to cry whenever you want in your sister's house even after she has asked you not to? Make it make sense.

Yes, because people feel their feelings. It's not reasonable to ask someone to not cry. Is the sister going to tell her baby not to cry and go outside if she has to? That makes no sense.

So any feelings you feel, you can feel them in her house, at any time, for as many months or years as you want to? Come on.

Can't you see your sister is stressed and overwhelmed and YOUR GRIEF IS NOT HER PROBLEM?

I am not OP. I am just a poster who thinks OP's sister is ridiculous to say someone can't cry in her house. The sister can keep changing a diaper or making dinner or doing a load of laundry or whatever while OP cries if she needs to. Sister doesn't need to DO anything. Grief is not a problem to fix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really see the big deal.

Can't you just.. not cry at her house? It's a weird rule, but her house her rules.

My mother who I wasn't even close with died three years ago. Yesterday a Neil Diamond song came on and it reminded me of when my mom and I listened to it when I was 18 and we sang together and danced around the living room. I cried. I did not schedule crying for that time - I had other things on my calendar. But that's how crying works - it just arrives.

So you leave then? What are you going to do, just sit there crying in front of someone who told you they don't want to deal with that? Clearly she is struggling and overwhelmed and doesn't want to (or can't) deal with a bunch of people crying and reminiscing in her home. If you want to cry, cry somewhere else.

So I should go stand outside in 95 degree weather by myself and cry on someone's driveway? Make it make sense.

So you should be allowed to cry whenever you want in your sister's house even after she has asked you not to? Make it make sense.

Yes, because people feel their feelings. It's not reasonable to ask someone to not cry. Is the sister going to tell her baby not to cry and go outside if she has to? That makes no sense.

So any feelings you feel, you can feel them in her house, at any time, for as many months or years as you want to? Come on.

Can't you see your sister is stressed and overwhelmed and YOUR GRIEF IS NOT HER PROBLEM?

I am not OP. I am just a poster who thinks OP's sister is ridiculous to say someone can't cry in her house. The sister can keep changing a diaper or making dinner or doing a load of laundry or whatever while OP cries if she needs to. Sister doesn't need to DO anything. Grief is not a problem to fix.

Nor does this new mom want to deal with everyone else sobbing while she's trying to care for her child. You are so callous to the sister "well she can just go do laundry while OP cries" how about OP adults up and goes somewhere else instead? You'd relegate a homeowner to chores because you (or OP) can't control yourself or step outside for a few minutes? Disgusting.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you have very different ways of grieving, and that's okay. Don't try to force her onto your way. She is trying to hold it together despite the stress of being a new mom, and you are putting your grief on her as another burden for her to bear.

Why don't you ask yourself "How can I help my sister, who is grieving and parenting an infant?" Instead of being so angry that your sister doesn't want to be a support person for you, how about you be a support person for her? And that starts with respecting her boundaries even if you don't agree with them.

[Anonymous]

I would be less critical if the sister were honest and said SHE can't take the crying instead of using the baby as a coverup. Probably OP would, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really see the big deal.

Can't you just.. not cry at her house? It's a weird rule, but her house her rules.

My mother who I wasn't even close with died three years ago. Yesterday a Neil Diamond song came on and it reminded me of when my mom and I listened to it when I was 18 and we sang together and danced around the living room. I cried. I did not schedule crying for that time - I had other things on my calendar. But that's how crying works - it just arrives.

So you leave then? What are you going to do, just sit there crying in front of someone who told you they don't want to deal with that? Clearly she is struggling and overwhelmed and doesn't want to (or can't) deal with a bunch of people crying and reminiscing in her home. If you want to cry, cry somewhere else.

So I should go stand outside in 95 degree weather by myself and cry on someone's driveway? Make it make sense.

So you should be allowed to cry whenever you want in your sister's house even after she has asked you not to? Make it make sense.

Yes, because people feel their feelings. It's not reasonable to ask someone to not cry. Is the sister going to tell her baby not to cry and go outside if she has to? That makes no sense.

So any feelings you feel, you can feel them in her house, at any time, for as many months or years as you want to? Come on.

Can't you see your sister is stressed and overwhelmed and YOUR GRIEF IS NOT HER PROBLEM?

I am not OP. I am just a poster who thinks OP's sister is ridiculous to say someone can't cry in her house. The sister can keep changing a diaper or making dinner or doing a load of laundry or whatever while OP cries if she needs to. Sister doesn't need to DO anything. Grief is not a problem to fix.

Nor does this new mom want to deal with everyone else sobbing while she's trying to care for her child. You are so callous to the sister "well she can just go do laundry while OP cries" how about OP adults up and goes somewhere else instead? You'd relegate a homeowner to chores because you (or OP) can't control yourself or step outside for a few minutes? Disgusting.

Sister can go watch tv or take a bubble bath or anything. Look, when my mother died there was a 5 yr old and almost 1 yr old there and four adults gathered in one house and took turns crying and taking care of the kids. People should not be alone to grieve - look in every sociological group - people support those in grief by taking care of them and surrounding them with life, with love. You don't banish them to the driveway to cry alone.

[Anonymous]

My sister was like this too. Wouldn't let anyone near the baby (even her husband for the most part), everything had to be just so. Then 3 years later she is yelling at her husband for not being involved enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really see the big deal.

Can't you just.. not cry at her house? It's a weird rule, but her house her rules.

My mother who I wasn't even close with died three years ago. Yesterday a Neil Diamond song came on and it reminded me of when my mom and I listened to it when I was 18 and we sang together and danced around the living room. I cried. I did not schedule crying for that time - I had other things on my calendar. But that's how crying works - it just arrives.

So you leave then? What are you going to do, just sit there crying in front of someone who told you they don't want to deal with that? Clearly she is struggling and overwhelmed and doesn't want to (or can't) deal with a bunch of people crying and reminiscing in her home. If you want to cry, cry somewhere else.

So I should go stand outside in 95 degree weather by myself and cry on someone's driveway? Make it make sense.

So you should be allowed to cry whenever you want in your sister's house even after she has asked you not to? Make it make sense.

Yes, because people feel their feelings. It's not reasonable to ask someone to not cry. Is the sister going to tell her baby not to cry and go outside if she has to? That makes no sense.

So any feelings you feel, you can feel them in her house, at any time, for as many months or years as you want to? Come on.

Can't you see your sister is stressed and overwhelmed and YOUR GRIEF IS NOT HER PROBLEM?

I am not OP. I am just a poster who thinks OP's sister is ridiculous to say someone can't cry in her house. The sister can keep changing a diaper or making dinner or doing a load of laundry or whatever while OP cries if she needs to. Sister doesn't need to DO anything. Grief is not a problem to fix.

Nor does this new mom want to deal with everyone else sobbing while she's trying to care for her child. You are so callous to the sister "well she can just go do laundry while OP cries" how about OP adults up and goes somewhere else instead? You'd relegate a homeowner to chores because you (or OP) can't control yourself or step outside for a few minutes? Disgusting.

Sister can go watch tv or take a bubble bath or anything. Look, when my mother died there was a 5 yr old and almost 1 yr old there and four adults gathered in one house and took turns crying and taking care of the kids. People should not be alone to grieve - look in every sociological group - people support those in grief by taking care of them and surrounding them with life, with love. You don't banish them to the driveway to cry alone.

People absolutely should be left alone to grieve if they specifically request it! And it's been 5 months, the shock is over and it's time to respect some boundaries.

The more OP pushes back, the more sympathetic I am to the sister. Oh, but it's hot outside, so I can impose on my sister as much as I want! Oh, she can go do chores while I randomly cry in her house. Cry somewhere else! Whatever group grief experience you're wanting, you're clearly not going to get it.

Respecting boundaries isn't just for when it's easy or when you agree with the boundary. It's for all the time.

[Anonymous]

Most of us, for one reason or another, have navigated situations where we couldn’t go all in on our feelings immediately. Handling something at work, for example. Or after a miscarriage, going to a friend’s baby shower. Having a tough day with bad news for a sick parent, while your child needs you to help them with a recital they’re really nervous about.
I think that’s how you need to frame this. There’s a time & a place, & she’s asking you to respect her wish to keep calm emotions in her house/around her DC. If you tear up, just excuse yourself & go to the bathroom or the other room for 10 minutes. Or yes, go home if you just want to have a good cry. That’s ok. And maybe schedule a time with your mom at your house where you can look at pictures & reminisce & have a good cry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really see the big deal.

Can't you just.. not cry at her house? It's a weird rule, but her house her rules.

My mother who I wasn't even close with died three years ago. Yesterday a Neil Diamond song came on and it reminded me of when my mom and I listened to it when I was 18 and we sang together and danced around the living room. I cried. I did not schedule crying for that time - I had other things on my calendar. But that's how crying works - it just arrives.

So you leave then? What are you going to do, just sit there crying in front of someone who told you they don't want to deal with that? Clearly she is struggling and overwhelmed and doesn't want to (or can't) deal with a bunch of people crying and reminiscing in her home. If you want to cry, cry somewhere else.

So I should go stand outside in 95 degree weather by myself and cry on someone's driveway? Make it make sense.

So you should be allowed to cry whenever you want in your sister's house even after she has asked you not to? Make it make sense.

Yes, because people feel their feelings. It's not reasonable to ask someone to not cry. Is the sister going to tell her baby not to cry and go outside if she has to? That makes no sense.

So any feelings you feel, you can feel them in her house, at any time, for as many months or years as you want to? Come on.

Can't you see your sister is stressed and overwhelmed and YOUR GRIEF IS NOT HER PROBLEM?

I am not OP. I am just a poster who thinks OP's sister is ridiculous to say someone can't cry in her house. The sister can keep changing a diaper or making dinner or doing a load of laundry or whatever while OP cries if she needs to. Sister doesn't need to DO anything. Grief is not a problem to fix.

Nor does this new mom want to deal with everyone else sobbing while she's trying to care for her child. You are so callous to the sister "well she can just go do laundry while OP cries" how about OP adults up and goes somewhere else instead? You'd relegate a homeowner to chores because you (or OP) can't control yourself or step outside for a few minutes? Disgusting.

Sister can go watch tv or take a bubble bath or anything. Look, when my mother died there was a 5 yr old and almost 1 yr old there and four adults gathered in one house and took turns crying and taking care of the kids. People should not be alone to grieve - look in every sociological group - people support those in grief by taking care of them and surrounding them with life, with love. You don't banish them to the driveway to cry alone.

No.

You don't get to dictate how someone acts in their own home. YOU are the guest. YOU leave if you can't control yourself. You sound awful and entitled, why don't you GAF about the sister and new mom in this situation? Seriously how selfish does one have to be to say "I'll do whatever I want in YOUR home and you can go do chores instead!" like FFS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I see my sister once a week. We grab brunch or coffee. We chat and catch up. We of course talk about our dad and I tear up. But thats it.

So...I don't know how she equated that to screaming and crying for hours on end.

Did she actually say those words, OP? Why are you exaggerating? Her baby is in their fear period. Surely you can understand that you can't negatively impact their development at this critical juncture. Get a hold of yourself, and if you think you can't, don't visit right now. Or shorten the visit.

PP, you sound nuts. Fear period, critical juncture in development… dramatic much?How would seeing an adult cry permanently derail a baby’s development when they spend much of their first year crying. Are they derailing their own development then? Ridiculous.

+1. So are all daycare babies scarred because they are around other humans who have negative emotions at time during the day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I see my sister once a week. We grab brunch or coffee. We chat and catch up. We of course talk about our dad and I tear up. But thats it.

So...I don't know how she equated that to screaming and crying for hours on end.

Did she actually say those words, OP? Why are you exaggerating? Her baby is in their fear period. Surely you can understand that you can't negatively impact their development at this critical juncture. Get a hold of yourself, and if you think you can't, don't visit right now. Or shorten the visit.

PP, you sound nuts. Fear period, critical juncture in development… dramatic much?How would seeing an adult cry permanently derail a baby’s development when they spend much of their first year crying. Are they derailing their own development then? Ridiculous.

+1. So are all daycare babies scarred because they are around other humans who have negative emotions at time during the day?

If you're asking whether people who cry uncontrollably can work at daycares, the answer is no. Because it isn't good for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I see my sister once a week. We grab brunch or coffee. We chat and catch up. We of course talk about our dad and I tear up. But thats it.

So...I don't know how she equated that to screaming and crying for hours on end.

Did she actually say those words, OP? Why are you exaggerating? Her baby is in their fear period. Surely you can understand that you can't negatively impact their development at this critical juncture. Get a hold of yourself, and if you think you can't, don't visit right now. Or shorten the visit.

PP, you sound nuts. Fear period, critical juncture in development… dramatic much?How would seeing an adult cry permanently derail a baby’s development when they spend much of their first year crying. Are they derailing their own development then? Ridiculous.

+1. So are all daycare babies scarred because they are around other humans who have negative emotions at time during the day?

If you're asking whether people who cry uncontrollably can work at daycares, the answer is no. Because it isn't good for the kids.

And if an employee was uncontrollably crying all day during their work at a daycare center I'd assume they'd be asked to leave and compose themselves. Outside. Or wherever else, besides while caring for children.

[Anonymous]

My mom and sister are very emotional people. They cry easily and have big feelings. I'm the opposite and can find them stressful (and I'm sure they have some negative thoughts towards me). I would never tell them they can't grieve, but I'd be thinking it. Having a baby and trying to enjoy my mom meeting the baby and having my family together and them crying constantly would put me on edge. It was probably one of the hardest parts of the grieving process for me. Managing them was exhausting until I realized it wasn't my responsibility to get them to stop crying or calm them. I think I always felt like they expected me to make them feel better, and once I realized that wasn't the case, it got easier. I just excused myself when it got to be too much for me.

If you are a crier or emotional person, try to tamp it down at her house. Or have her go take a nap or do something for herself and then you and your mom can have your cry and reminisce about your dad and talk about how much he would have loved to be there with you guys.

[Anonymous]

The responses on this post take the cake. What a bunch of unfeeling losers. People can't completely clamp down on grief. That doesn't mean they get to go wailing in the streets all the time. Yes, they can leave if it happens in an awkward circumstance, but to act like having the feelings is inappropriate is just...weird and cold.

Their mom is coming to visit. Sister is using the baby to avoid saying what she really means. She is afraid of her moms grief.

Maybe she shouldn't be hosting yet.