I hate my parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they were that horrible, you would have known before you were over 50 years old.

NP. When you are young, you only know what you know. So if you live with broken people, that’s your normal. It takes many years and a lot of experience to establish new normals. By then, you’re not living with those broken people anymore, and you haven’t for a long time. Your life is yours now. Maybe you try not to look back too much. You don’t want to dwell. So you never really look too deep, and you believe that you’ve moved on.

And then your parents get old. And suddenly you can’t avoid it anymore, you can’t avoid them anymore, there’s so little time and also now your own kids are grown and aren’t the buffer that they were. And those old patterns from your childhood are still there, all those familiar interactions are still there, but YOU are different, and suddenly it’s like the scales have fallen from your eyes, and it’s like, “Ohhhhh. I really didn’t get what I needed.” And that’s when it all comes bubbling up.

Or I dunno, maybe that’s just me.

Are you better, though? You are different, sure.

Our kids will all have stuff to say about us and our less than perfect parenting too.

My parents are far from ideal — they are divorced so not really one entity — but I’m not perfect either.

My best friend’s mom is schizophrenic and is currently living under an overpass or something. My friend has good reason to hate her. Being boring, on the other hand, is just what old people are.

PP. That’s the million dollar question, isn’t it?

In my house there was physical abuse, so in that way I can say definitively: yes, I’m better. My kids have been safe in their home.

The emotional stuff is trickier, murkier. While I have done a lot of work to be “better,” a family is at best a bunch of flawed human beings who bump up against each other again and again. And parents have a tremendous amount of power, so our flaws are amplified for our children.

Am I better? Am I better enough? These questions have been a constant thrum in my mind since the day I became a parent. I hope I am. I try to be. I try.

Still, the question will always be there.

I have a close friend who works in the mental health field. She is seeing massive amounts of young adults angry at their parents for not being “emotionally supportive” enough. The lists of grievances run from helicoptering to letting me stop playing softball when I was in middle school even though maybe I would have been great at it, to being too steady in the face of adversity and not feeling their pain acutely enough, etc. One of her coworkers also told her that her community center’s biggest support group is parents of estranged adult children. Two couples started it and now there are over 50 people in it. The next biggest support group has about a dozen members. This is in an are with a real mix of liberals, moderates, and conservatives.

My point in relaying this is that while we may think we are doing better and that our children would never treat us the way we are treating our “objectively” worse parents, I wouldn’t count on it. The bar got raised for parenting so “our best” might not be cutting it. We, for instance, have wound up in therapy for what seemed like some really minor stuff in our view and in the view of a couple of close confidants, but it’s an attempt to grapple with this before our DC is fully independent in the hopes of fending off adult estrangement.

[Anonymous]

OP said she feels terrible, and they are not bad people. But she still hates them now.
Because her dad is selfish?
What exactly were you not being heard and seen as a child? Give an example.
Right now, you sound like your dad, selfish, that they are an intrusion in your house.
Can you not see that you are a lot like your dad? Are you put off that they are in your house and hate them? Your way or the highway, right? Is that not how your dad was, as you described?
Are you maybe not realizing that you do not want anything to disturb you as you are now older? Older people are rigid, and you are sounding very rigid as well.
Will you feel the same when your adult children come to visit?

[Anonymous]

Are you depressed OP? You sound like you are.
Be careful not to be negative about everything, it is a very real thing that happens as we age. My DH is doing the same, and what he could tolerate before is now a huge deal.
As an example, my FIL "came" to our DD's college graduation. His friend, who also came, tested positive for COVID-19 as soon as she landed. She knew she was sick prior to boarding the flight. Not this year.
He then proceeded to cancel his adult DD's hotel room! (She is over 50.) The hotel did it, even though the room was in her name! Clearly, because we still live in the 19th century. FIL then proceeded to share the room with his ill friend, missed the graduation ceremony, and then blamed that on his son! My DH.
He did not feel sick at all, did not get it, but he said that he wasn't going to come even masked, as we were too scared of covid!
None of this is true. He als
o was not worried at all about infecting others, that would have been a legit reason to skip, right?
He came to spend time with his lady friend, who is married and lives in another state.
He is a narcissist, clearly and depressed. He was diagnosed with depression and told his doctor that he wanted to take meds for it; it is his due to get his way and to criticize everyone his age.
During this visit, SIL told me she has a master's in psychology.
This is the same father who did not speak to her for almost 10 years because she was divorced, and he took son in in-law's side. He is still on great terms and best buddies with his former son-in-law.
I noticed you did not come back with an update. Is it because a few of us posted something you did not want to hear?
Guess who can't hear a single thing they don't agree with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just remember OP that your children are watching and learning. They see how you treat your parents: one day you will be that parent, and your children will likely see you as you now see your parents

I think there is truth to this.

I also see how bitter people can become about their parents in their 50s-60s. My mom hates my grandmother and it’s such an emotional weight for her, the resentment really festers and impacts her own personality. I feel bad for both my grandma and my mom.

[Anonymous]

OP, a lot of what you are describing sounds generational to me. Your parents were not concerned with your emotional development? I don't think parents of that era knew to care about that sort of thing. They thought that their job was to house and feed and get you to adulthood. I don't even believe that most parents of that era were even capable of providing the type of emotional support that is now expected and common in parenting.

You say your father expected his needs to be met? Isn't that what the "man of the house" of that generation expected in exchange for being the breadwinner? Your mom being passive? Women were taught to submit to their husbands and to support them no matter what.

I'm not saying that your feelings are invalid. You feel how you feel. But it seems like much of what you are upset about is something that was pervasive in that time period and not generally known at the time to be damaging. Perhaps accepting this can allow you to forgive and let go of your anger.

[Anonymous]

I have a close friend who works in the mental health field. She is seeing massive amounts of young adults angry at their parents for not being “emotionally supportive” enough. The lists of grievances run from helicoptering to letting me stop playing softball when I was in middle school even though maybe I would have been great at it, to being too steady in the face of adversity and not feeling their pain acutely enough, etc. One of her coworkers also told her that her community center’s biggest support group is parents of estranged adult children. Two couples started it and now there are over 50 people in it. The next biggest support group has about a dozen members. This is in an are with a real mix of liberals, moderates, and conservatives.

My point in relaying this is that while we may think we are doing better and that our children would never treat us the way we are treating our “objectively” worse parents, I wouldn’t count on it. The bar got raised for parenting so “our best” might not be cutting it. We, for instance, have wound up in therapy for what seemed like some really minor stuff in our view and in the view of a couple of close confidants, but it’s an attempt to grapple with this before our DC is fully independent in the hopes of fending off adult estrangement.
+1

The great syndrome of UNGRATEFULNESS is what the great majority of us nowadays, or perhaps forever, are unduly harboring.

"The best practices of perfect parenting" is a scammy moving target, influenced solely for the commercial gain of consumerism. They advertise using "experts", we buy them, no questions asked.

Truth doesn't ever change. It you grow up being clothed, cuddled and fed, your parents had loved you. If your parents have had any shreds of concerns for you about your health, growth, learning, thriving, etc., you HAVE been loved.

Be a dignified adult, and stop, just stop unloading your own garbage onto the world, especially people who had dedicated their lives to you the most.

As stop strategizing and fantasizing how we are "better" and how our children definitely see it so. If they are anything like the majority of people, they will not.

Start practicing gratefulness in your mind. Hopefully that cures your hatefulness, and shines lights inspiring your offspring to begin doing the same. We will all be in a better world this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They have been visiting for nearly a week on account of my daughter’s high school graduation. They are both old — mid 80s — and in poor health. I feel terrible about this because they are not bad people, but I hate having them visit. I feel it is an intrusion on my space, I feel stuck, I resent them, and all I want is for them to leave and never come back (and I’ll make sure of it). This visit is a way for them to feel important and feel seen. But I feel used. I’m 54 and and I am finally seeing my parents for the very damaged people that they are. I see how they hurt me as a child by neglecting me emotionally. I think my dad is a kind of narcissist — everything has to be about him, he’ll do anything for attention and adulation. His relentless focus on himself and his insatiable desire to get his needs met deprived me of being heard and being seen as a child. My mom is rather pathetic, sitting there passively, waiting to be told what to do. She’s always been that way. She will not be around much longer. I feel like I should have some kind of meaningful conversation with her but I can’t fathom what to say. I have nothing to say. Even if I did, I wouldn’t be able to get the words out. We don’t have that kind of relationship. I hate myself for feeling this way — couldn’t I be more compassionate at this stage in their lives, I keep telling myself — but the truth is that I don’t want to be. I’ve had it with them. They repulse me. This sucks but there you have it. Does anyone else feel this way?

If you're 54, it's time to take responsibility for your own life. If you don't want to be around them, then don't invite them. They don't need to be at your daughter's graduation, nor do they need to stay with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the PP. This is normal when you grow up with a narc, BPD, alcoholic, you name it parent. For those of you saying the OP is out of line, be thankful you didn't have these parents.

I agree with this 100%. People who are shaming the OP have had different parent experiences.

Thank you for sharing this, OP! You are not alone and it is empowering to have someone voice this concerns aloud. So many of us suffer with these things in silence and feel shame about our parent situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Thank you for sharing this, OP! You are not alone and it is empowering to have someone voice this concerns aloud. So many of us suffer with these things in silence and feel shame about our parent situations.

Agree. The ones who say that OPs feelings are "invalid" and "wrong" are clearly the hated elderly. It's much more than non-existent emotional support. It's actual neglect (as another PP described, often medical), sabotage (not letting you go or do anything, actual curfews), constant critique and judgement (often of appearance as mom grapples with her aging) and so on. While parenting requirements might have changed, if you were a decent human being, you should do fine. You'll know by teenage years. I got a scholarship, left for college and never returned. I looked for opportunities to stay as far as possible, including overseas. I married a foreigner. I tried to have a conversation in my 20s, but my parents denied, gaslighted and even laughed. It's not like you have a perfect relationship and then suddenly something happens, it's a long time coming. Am I worried about my own kids? Not really. I like having them around and they know it. The conversations I have with my teens now my parents never had with me, I learned to keep everything to myself pretty early.

[Anonymous]

Am I worried about my own kids? Not really. I like having them around and they know it. The conversations I have with my teens now my parents never had with me, I learned to keep everything to myself pretty early.

There is no way that you can know whether 25 years from now, your adult children will see what you have done as sufficiently loving and supportive. Social mores and expectations are constantly changing and the type of parenting we provided may or may not be kindly looked upon in the future. There is no way to know. All you can do is try your best in any given moment and hope it all works out.

My parents certainly made mistakes, but I don't hold it against them personally. They tried and did what they could with the information available to them, the societal expectations of the time, and with what they had been taught from their own upbringing. There really is no point to hanging on to anger about something that they didn't even know was wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Am I worried about my own kids? Not really. I like having them around and they know it. The conversations I have with my teens now my parents never had with me, I learned to keep everything to myself pretty early.

There is no way that you can know whether 25 years from now, your adult children will see what you have done as sufficiently loving and supportive. Social mores and expectations are constantly changing and the type of parenting we provided may or may not be kindly looked upon in the future. There is no way to know. All you can do is try your best in any given moment and hope it all works out.

My parents certainly made mistakes, but I don't hold it against them personally. They tried and did what they could with the information available to them, the societal expectations of the time, and with what they had been taught from their own upbringing. There really is no point to hanging on to anger about something that they didn't even know was wrong.

I'm the PP who asked about the million dollar question. I agree that there's no way to know. As you say, all we can do is try our best in any given moment and hope.

What's interesting about the part I bolded is that over the years, I've said almost the very same words to my sibling. Sibling has been angry, just absolutely furious, for their whole life. And I ...wasn't? Or I didn't think I was? I'm still not sure I *was* angry. But something about this phase of life has been deeply trying in ways I didn't expect. Maybe I'm changing as I age. Or maybe it's a form of pre-grieving -- grieving not just the person that was, but also the relationship that wasn't.

At any rate, a lot of people have said thoughtful things here, and I'm grateful for that.

[Anonymous]

I mean sure there is no way to know 100%, but I'd say one has a pretty good idea how things are when the kids leave the home. We don't need to pretend that we don't know at all, right? I think it's healthy to come to terms with bad parenting and feeling negative feelings over it. It's way better than pretending that everything's great, when it isn't. I personally am not thinking of this every day, but I also haven't forgiven, partly because nobody's taken responsibility. There is a difference between "mistakes" and being a nasty and neglectful parent. And no, my friends parents didn't behave the same way, so I can say with certainty that it's not generational. But you know what, I can live with all of that and I have by treating my own kids with more kindness. Being kind and open to listening to another human, considering your child as another human being with their own wants and needs does not change over time. My parents however are finally facing the reality of you reap what you sow and you know what, I'm fine with that as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Am I worried about my own kids? Not really. I like having them around and they know it. The conversations I have with my teens now my parents never had with me, I learned to keep everything to myself pretty early.

There is no way that you can know whether 25 years from now, your adult children will see what you have done as sufficiently loving and supportive. Social mores and expectations are constantly changing and the type of parenting we provided may or may not be kindly looked upon in the future. There is no way to know. All you can do is try your best in any given moment and hope it all works out.

My parents certainly made mistakes, but I don't hold it against them personally. They tried and did what they could with the information available to them, the societal expectations of the time, and with what they had been taught from their own upbringing. There really is no point to hanging on to anger about something that they didn't even know was wrong.

I'm the PP who asked about the million dollar question. I agree that there's no way to know. As you say, all we can do is try our best in any given moment and hope.

What's interesting about the part I bolded is that over the years, I've said almost the very same words to my sibling. Sibling has been angry, just absolutely furious, for their whole life. And I ...wasn't? Or I didn't think I was? I'm still not sure I *was* angry. But something about this phase of life has been deeply trying in ways I didn't expect. Maybe I'm changing as I age. Or maybe it's a form of pre-grieving -- grieving not just the person that was, but also the relationship that wasn't.

At any rate, a lot of people have said thoughtful things here, and I'm grateful for that.

My mom got this way mid 50s. Maybe she just has more time for introspection now or her tolerance for annoyances has gotten lower. I’m not sure but she has really soured on her mother. For her sake, I hope that she can work through what she is feeling as I am worried she will feel guilty and full of regret for not engaging with her mom more when her mom passes.

[Anonymous]

You need to find the right amount of interaction with them where you can accept them for who they are, be polite and not go insane. Stay in a hotel when you visit them. Figure out the boundaries that work for you. Ignore the guilt trips about how you will one day regret not spending more time with them. It's BS. You don't want to overwhelmed with only negative memories so step back, see them less, but figure out how to make the time with them better.

How can you make the time with them better? Think of the times you have enjoyed their company. Maybe it's seeing them in a beautiful setting. Maybe there is something you can joke about with them. Maybe see a movie or do something where you don't have to talk. Is there a type of food you all like. Go to a restaurant where everyone enjoys the meal.

Go for quality not quantity.

[Anonymous]

OP, your feelings are valid but I recommend you discuss them in therapy and just put on a show while your parents are here. They will die soon and you will feel better about that if you know you were nice to them