I hate my parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is the narc and my dad is the doormat.

I have PTSD from obstetric violence/trauma and my therapist wants to start eye movement desensitization and reprocessing with childhood trauma. I haven't scheduled another appointment since. Reluctant to open old wounds.

EMDR can be very, very helpful. Not wallowing at all. Give it a try, PP. Could be life changing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the PP. This is normal when you grow up with a narc, BPD, alcoholic, you name it parent. For those of you saying the OP is out of line, be thankful you didn't have these parents.

I agree with this 100%. People who are shaming the OP have had different parent experiences.

[Anonymous]

It's good you feel how you feel. It shows you've grown as a person and have finally come to terms with reality. I disagree with the therapy angle -- I know in the US everything needs therapy, but for us, immigrants, negative feelings are a part of life. It's HEALTY to feel negative feelings if the circumstances so require, and there's no need to try to bury them. Your parents were terrible and you've come to see that. Congratulate yourself. The fact that you feel hate is the way for you to process the neglect you've felt for so long (but perhaps couldn't put your finger on) and embrace your resentment. I feel the same about my mother, she's always been a taker and it took me a long time to see that, but I always felt that deep down. Once my kids were teens, I could finally remember what my mom said and did to me at that age and I felt so repulsed, exactly as you say. How could she? What kind of mom does that? Maybe she thought we'll forget as our little kid years? It's interesting when you finally look at them objectively you see how self-centered, arrogant, lacking compassion and really manipulative people they are.

[Anonymous]

Ask your mom questions. What has been your favorite part of your life so far? What do you wish you'd done differently? Stuff like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hurt people hurt people.

And, you can wallow and be resentful, or you can move along (and get therapy to help do so if you need it). Others are right, by being angry and resentful and blaming them for anything or everything, you are only hurting yourself

Wrong. Your anger is a sign that something is very wrong with the status quo. Changes need to be made, and you are doing that - and taking care of yourself. Good for you.

[Anonymous]

So sick of reading crap like this by people who are suddenly finding out their parents are flawed people (just like they are).

Spare us the psychologizing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So sick of reading crap like this by people who are suddenly finding out their parents are flawed people (just like they are).

Spare us the psychologizing.

Then don't read, go somewhere else. For some of us it's important to feel validated. Enough of this shaming and forcing women to hide their negative feelings. It's healthy. We feel anger, rage and disgust when we're wronged. Enough of sweeping stuff under the carpet.

[Anonymous]

If they were that horrible, you would have known before you were over 50 years old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They have been visiting for nearly a week on account of my daughter’s high school graduation. They are both old — mid 80s — and in poor health. I feel terrible about this because they are not bad people, but I hate having them visit. I feel it is an intrusion on my space, I feel stuck, I resent them, and all I want is for them to leave and never come back (and I’ll make sure of it). This visit is a way for them to feel important and feel seen. But I feel used. I’m 54 and and I am finally seeing my parents for the very damaged people that they are. I see how they hurt me as a child by neglecting me emotionally. I think my dad is a kind of narcissist — everything has to be about him, he’ll do anything for attention and adulation. His relentless focus on himself and his insatiable desire to get his needs met deprived me of being heard and being seen as a child. My mom is rather pathetic, sitting there passively, waiting to be told what to do. She’s always been that way. She will not be around much longer. I feel like I should have some kind of meaningful conversation with her but I can’t fathom what to say. I have nothing to say. Even if I did, I wouldn’t be able to get the words out. We don’t have that kind of relationship. I hate myself for feeling this way — couldn’t I be more compassionate at this stage in their lives, I keep telling myself — but the truth is that I don’t want to be. I’ve had it with them. They repulse me. This sucks but there you have it. Does anyone else feel this way?

Just imagine what your kids will say about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they were that horrible, you would have known before you were over 50 years old.

Sure, you know deep down. The OP also said so. But it's a journey like everything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Just imagine what your kids will say about you.

I'm not the OP, but can guarantee you her kids will not say what she has said. People who grow to see their abusive parents for what they are, are doing everything they can to raise their own kids differently. In fact oftentimes having your own kids and looking at these helpless creatures brings all the hurt feelings you felt as a child, but had long forgotten, to the foreground.

[Anonymous]

I feel like this about my father. My mother passed away several years ago and was my only tie to the family. My father spent his whole life chasing adulation, somewhat successfully; my parents didn’t divorce but he was barely around. When that faded, he settled for notoriety. He now spews conspiracy theories for attention. I am polite but not particularly responsive.

[Anonymous]

Does anyone worry that this will happen to them when they are old? I try so hard to be a good parent and love my children so much. But what if one day, when they are grown up, they start to feel like I made mistakes, they are annoyed by me, my stories are boring etc etc etc

I fully understand and support cutting toxic people out and establishing boundaries but I, nonetheless, worry sometimes that, despite my best efforts, I’ll be the old person everyone is sick and tired of

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sick of reading crap like this by people who are suddenly finding out their parents are flawed people (just like they are).

Spare us the psychologizing.

Then don't read, go somewhere else. For some of us it's important to feel validated. Enough of this shaming and forcing women to hide their negative feelings. It's healthy. We feel anger, rage and disgust when we're wronged. Enough of sweeping stuff under the carpet.

+1,000,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone worry that this will happen to them when they are old? I try so hard to be a good parent and love my children so much. But what if one day, when they are grown up, they start to feel like I made mistakes, they are annoyed by me, my stories are boring etc etc etc

I fully understand and support cutting toxic people out and establishing boundaries but I, nonetheless, worry sometimes that, despite my best efforts, I’ll be the old person everyone is sick and tired of

Either there is a reason you feel guilty or you are so empathetic you are worrying over small flaws that everybody has