I hate my parents

[Anonymous]

OP: Good on you for having the clarity to more objectively see your parents holistically for who they are, including significant faults. That said, don't forget their strengths. And remember that respect for our parents is a key pillar of modern civilization in every culture on this planet. Just remember that it's up to you to define that respect, and it sounds like that should not extend to hosting them in your house.

[Anonymous]

"That said, don't forget their strengths. And remember that respect for our parents is a key pillar of modern civilization in every culture on this planet."
That might have been true when the parents were all about leaving a better world for their children. In current "F* you, I got mine" generation, this doesn't exactly hold. They've literally sold out their grand-grandchildren (who are not yet born) to make life more comfy for themselves.

[Anonymous]

A parent of mine is laying dying right now. I have/had similar feelings to you for most of my life. As the end approaches, you will feel remorse for those feelings and regret that you couldn’t have a different relationship with your parents, even if it was out of your control for most of your life. What you’re feeling will corrode you. Take steps now so your future self appreciates what you’re doing right now.

[Anonymous]

What exactly do you feel remorse about and regret if you say yourself the relationship was out of your control? You can control yourself, but not others. I don't know anyone who felt remorse or regret in the end with such parents, just relief.

[Anonymous]

My father just killed himself.

You are horrible, OP. Wish I'd never read this damn post.

[Anonymous]

All geriatric people are self-focused, in the sense that they talk mostly about themselves, worry about themselves and want others to hear about themselves. This is somewhat like toddlers, who are incredibly limited in their ability to empathize (the whole world must feel the way they do, everyone ought to entertain their wishes). This is partly because old people have very small worlds, and their field of reference gets increasingly smaller with health issues and brain dysfunction. But it is also nature’s last gasp at gene transmission - the elderly have a tendency to overshare personal stories, accomplishments, histories and thoughts because they are at the end of life. “Someone please remember me” is the guiding subconscious principle as we age, and it’s good to realize we will be in the same place someday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father just killed himself.

You are horrible, OP. Wish I'd never read this damn post.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

But your loss doesn't make OP a horrible person.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think I understand. My dad isn’t even terrible but I wouldn’t want to have him in my house for even a day let alone a week. One hour visits are the limit. There’s not much to talk about anyway

[Anonymous]

Are they still at your house? This is why hotels exsist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All geriatric people are self-focused, in the sense that they talk mostly about themselves, worry about themselves and want others to hear about themselves. This is somewhat like toddlers, who are incredibly limited in their ability to empathize (the whole world must feel the way they do, everyone ought to entertain their wishes). This is partly because old people have very small worlds, and their field of reference gets increasingly smaller with health issues and brain dysfunction. But it is also nature’s last gasp at gene transmission - the elderly have a tendency to overshare personal stories, accomplishments, histories and thoughts because they are at the end of life. “Someone please remember me” is the guiding subconscious principle as we age, and it’s good to realize we will be in the same place someday.

Actually not all elderly are like this. I for one do not wish to be remembered by anyone! I have destroyed all photos of myself that are in my posession and have plans for no funeral, death announcement or any sort of memorial service.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"That said, don't forget their strengths. And remember that respect for our parents is a key pillar of modern civilization in every culture on this planet."
That might have been true when the parents were all about leaving a better world for their children. In current "F* you, I got mine" generation, this doesn't exactly hold. They've literally sold out their grand-grandchildren (who are not yet born) to make life more comfy for themselves.

We live is a very specific point and time and our parents are as much a victim to their environment as we are.

Yes, the trauma you experienced then and the anxiety it’s causing you is real. However, you have access to language and therapies that they didn’t have access too.

Rather than blame the previous generation, focus on healing yourself. I. That process comes the ability to empathize with your parents and begin to see them as a complex humans with strengths and weaknesses.

From there, you can CHOOSE the relationship you want with them and take control of making it happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They have been visiting for nearly a week on account of my daughter’s high school graduation. They are both old — mid 80s — and in poor health. I feel terrible about this because they are not bad people, but I hate having them visit. I feel it is an intrusion on my space, I feel stuck, I resent them, and all I want is for them to leave and never come back (and I’ll make sure of it). This visit is a way for them to feel important and feel seen. But I feel used. I’m 54 and and I am finally seeing my parents for the very damaged people that they are. I see how they hurt me as a child by neglecting me emotionally. I think my dad is a kind of narcissist — everything has to be about him, he’ll do anything for attention and adulation. His relentless focus on himself and his insatiable desire to get his needs met deprived me of being heard and being seen as a child. My mom is rather pathetic, sitting there passively, waiting to be told what to do. She’s always been that way. She will not be around much longer. I feel like I should have some kind of meaningful conversation with her but I can’t fathom what to say. I have nothing to say. Even if I did, I wouldn’t be able to get the words out. We don’t have that kind of relationship. I hate myself for feeling this way — couldn’t I be more compassionate at this stage in their lives, I keep telling myself — but the truth is that I don’t want to be. I’ve had it with them. They repulse me. This sucks but there you have it. Does anyone else feel this way?

I haven’t read ANY of this thread. Just wanted to say, it sounds like having them stay with you for a week doesn't improve your relationship (to say the least) and is stressful besides. Just as an experiment, think about what time you’ve spent with them that went better, then do a few episodes of that.

I say this as someone who had a terrible relationship with my dysfunctional parents, but it got a lot better when I did the above. Also, my parents, thankfully, changed when they got older. They went from verbally ridiculing me to a mellow dementia (my dad) and from silent treatment and manipulation to really lovely cheerleading (my mom). They’re both gone now. I’m glad I tried with them as they got older. I felt somehow reassured that I would do better with my adult relationships with my kids, if I remained open to having relationships with my parents. If I’m off the mark, then hopefully someone in these thread pages has said something more helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All geriatric people are self-focused, in the sense that they talk mostly about themselves, worry about themselves and want others to hear about themselves. This is somewhat like toddlers, who are incredibly limited in their ability to empathize (the whole world must feel the way they do, everyone ought to entertain their wishes). This is partly because old people have very small worlds, and their field of reference gets increasingly smaller with health issues and brain dysfunction. But it is also nature’s last gasp at gene transmission - the elderly have a tendency to overshare personal stories, accomplishments, histories and thoughts because they are at the end of life. “Someone please remember me” is the guiding subconscious principle as we age, and it’s good to realize we will be in the same place someday.

Actually not all elderly are like this. I for one do not wish to be remembered by anyone! I have destroyed all photos of myself that are in my posession and have plans for no funeral, death announcement or any sort of memorial service.

Fine. MOST are, however.

[Anonymous]

Our nickname for my mom was The Wire Mother- from the experiment with the monkeys. Now she likes to be fussed over and have us bring her treats from the bakery at her nursing home, fuss over her clothes and tell her she looks pretty. In short all of the things she never did for us. She hated taking care of my curly hair so basically gave me a crew cut when I was little and then told everybody I was ugly and looked like a boy used a mean nickname that I hated for over twenty years. I have no warmth towards her or happy memories and I also have siblings who have just walked away from the whole mess. It’s always the mean ones who live forever too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All geriatric people are self-focused, in the sense that they talk mostly about themselves, worry about themselves and want others to hear about themselves. This is somewhat like toddlers, who are incredibly limited in their ability to empathize (the whole world must feel the way they do, everyone ought to entertain their wishes). This is partly because old people have very small worlds, and their field of reference gets increasingly smaller with health issues and brain dysfunction. But it is also nature’s last gasp at gene transmission - the elderly have a tendency to overshare personal stories, accomplishments, histories and thoughts because they are at the end of life. “Someone please remember me” is the guiding subconscious principle as we age, and it’s good to realize we will be in the same place someday.

Can we please stop with the ageism? It's just as uncool and unjust as sexism and racism. Thankyouverymuch!