Strictly ranting: my kid is so average it hurts :(

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of us were at the top of our class and smartest in the room in high school and college, and still wound up pretty average adults.

The people I went to school with who were more average as teenagers generally live nicer lives than I do because they stayed in our small LCOL hometown near their families and bought houses near lakes in their 20s. Meanwhile here I am in DC, going back for a week in the summer....

Interesting! I don’t think living in a small town even if one owns a house is preferential to being in the middle of things to be honest. I am somewhat like you - my peers who stayed in our hometown have become big fish in that pond and own real estate and such while I moved to a HCOL area and don’t own a house. However it’s just… there’s no comparison, I’d never trade with them.

I think there’s nothing wrong with being average as an adult. I just would like to see him being “one of the best” in one situation or another.

I think the thing is that I decided as an adult when I met my husband that I really value work-life balance and wasn't willing to work crazy hours, live apart from my family, etc. But to be able to afford a decent lifestyle "in the middle of things" you do need to be extremely ambitious and willing to move frequently, at least in my field, and that's just not the life I want to live. I don't miss my small town specifically, I was happy to leave it, but i miss the more relaxed lifestyle of living in a LCOL area near family.

Sometimes being "the best" doesn't actually line up with what you want in life. And I think for your kid, it's more important to know his values and follow them than to win a trophy at anything. Maybe not having any fixations and being mellow will help him do that.

For me, the fact of living in an area where things happen is important per se. I was able to carve out a lifestyle I like, though many people think one has to be rich to live in a HCOL area.

For my son, I was hoping school would be relatively easy for him to be better than others in at least one subject. But apparently it’s not the case. He gets high reading comprehension scores but there’s no award for it, or maybe others have even higher ones, idk

Why do you care so much about awards?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that he likes to read for pleasure as an MS boy makes him very not average. He does need to get his grades up to have options for college. But having an inner world and not swayed by external things is not a bad thing. There are great, kind, hard working, smart but not too intense men out there who are good partners and fathers, volunteer in their community or do EMT stuff, teach soccer and are generally good people. Raise one of those.

Thank you! Yeah I know he’ll do fine in life. I am more upset about the now.

His GPA was always 3.25-3.75, I am not quite sure what happened this trimester, maybe he got a middle school variant of senioritis. He says he will work harder in HS, but who knows.

What middle schools calculate GPAs?

He’s in the middle just like most people. That’s nothing to worry about. There are plenty of kids who would trade places with him.

It’s automatic in PowerSchool

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP seems pretty laid back to me. DS isn’t motivated, oh well…DS doesn’t have any awards, oh well… DS doesn’t have many interests, oh well…

Do you speak to your child about your concerns? What does he care about? Motivating kids to do their best starts at an early age. Maybe you need to spend some time together to get an idea of what is important to him. I was not a tiger mom, but I did insist my sons put some effort into their school work.

Well I can’t really say “I am worried that you are never one of the best at anything you do”.

I do talk to him about how he doesn’t seem to care about producing good work, and how he needs to practice more if he wants to be better at something.
He is fairly reserved and it’s hard to know what he thinks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an average DD as well OP. Also in MS. She has a couple of Cs so won’t be getting any awards at their ceremony either. She’s sporty but at the rec level. Doesn’t excel in anything.
BUT about a month ago a team player was injured in a game and my kid was the one that helped her walk off the field. Last weekend a friends five yo was pushed into the (shallow end) of our pool and she helped him out and was rubbing his back because he was upset.
We have to see the positives in our children not compare them to those around them. It’s hard at times, but our kids will be ok.

Your DD sounds like a lovely person!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds very sweet, OP, and he will come into his own and shine.

If his GPA is low, and he's "shy" and not focused, have you thought that he may have inattentive ADHD? My son has that (along with other issues) and ADHD meds were a lifesaver in middle and high school while he caught up. Graduated high school with a 4.67 GPA. Now he's in college and doesn't use his meds except for exam days.

Just making a suggestion.

Thank you! It has occurred to me, but it’s more like he either doesn’t want to work harder or maybe he genuinely doesn’t realize that the quality of work he produces is not up to par. Like, he will say - oh I missed assignment X and got an F, but I’ll ace assignment Y and make up the grade. Then, he gets a C on assignment Y and is flabbergasted.

Yeah, I think you should spend some time teaching him how things work and less time lamenting that he isn’t you.

Oh trust me we had many conversations. Doesn’t seem to lead anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds fine. Take up a hobby so you can flex your DC tiger parenting instincts on houseplants or something. Give the kid a break. Parents like this are why this is such a tough area to live in.

She’s literally the opposite of a tiger parent. For all the bragging about how she’s so smart, she seems out to lunch and disengaged on the parenting front. A smart mom should be able to look at her middle schooler’s tests and HW and advise him on how he can improve, OP can’t figure this out.

He doesn’t care to improve. He seems to be ok with how things are. I used to make him do this or that, and still do sometimes, but he still finds ways to eff it up tbh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds fine. Take up a hobby so you can flex your DC tiger parenting instincts on houseplants or something. Give the kid a break. Parents like this are why this is such a tough area to live in.

She’s literally the opposite of a tiger parent. For all the bragging about how she’s so smart, she seems out to lunch and disengaged on the parenting front. A smart mom should be able to look at her middle schooler’s tests and HW and advise him on how he can improve, OP can’t figure this out.

He doesn’t care to improve. He seems to be ok with how things are. I used to make him do this or that, and still do sometimes, but he still finds ways to eff it up tbh.

Or as suggested on this thread, he doesn't have the executive function skills to do better so is pretending it's a lack of motivation so he isn't embarrassed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Vent away here and keep this worry and sadness away from your kid, as it sounds like you are doing. That’s the right thing to do and the purpose of anonymous forums.

Ignore any negativity. Your kid is great! There is no need to worry about any pressure in middle school. Some of the best advice I read here is to get them through the teen years without any addiction or mental health issues. The rest can be fixed later. It’s so true. Your kid has nothing that needs fixing right now. No drama, average grades, nice kid, not in trouble. You are in a good place. - parent of an older teen and HS teacher

Thank you so much! This is what I try to tell myself when I am in a better place than yesterday

Outside of “oh I wish my kid just won one small award that’s not a participation trophy” I am worried about college choice for him. If he does to a meh school it’s something that’s not super easy to fix. I know he can still do fine, it just takes the years out of your opportunity period so to speak.

[Anonymous]

What do you want him to do, OP? Improve his grades? Start a club? Become famous on TikTok?

You need to redefine his successes (e.g., having friends, eating healthy, reading manga) and stop comparing him with others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds very sweet, OP, and he will come into his own and shine.

If his GPA is low, and he's "shy" and not focused, have you thought that he may have inattentive ADHD? My son has that (along with other issues) and ADHD meds were a lifesaver in middle and high school while he caught up. Graduated high school with a 4.67 GPA. Now he's in college and doesn't use his meds except for exam days.

Just making a suggestion.

Thank you! It has occurred to me, but it’s more like he either doesn’t want to work harder or maybe he genuinely doesn’t realize that the quality of work he produces is not up to par. Like, he will say - oh I missed assignment X and got an F, but I’ll ace assignment Y and make up the grade. Then, he gets a C on assignment Y and is flabbergasted.

Yeah, I think you should spend some time teaching him how things work and less time lamenting that he isn’t you.

Oh trust me we had many conversations. Doesn’t seem to lead anywhere.

If he’s under the impression that he can fail to turn in half his work, but do well on the other half and end up with an A, I don’t think your conversations have much substance.

You seem to be a lot of blahblahblah but not a lot of action. Go over his tests and quizzes with him. Go over what assignments need to be done and sit him down and watch him do them. He seems to need some concrete guidance.

As far as activities go, did you ask him why he dislikes everything he has tried? A lot of kids don’t like new things at first solely bc they aren’t good at them. Dig in and figure him out, don’t let him pass on things he’d enjoy because it’s hard at first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP seems pretty laid back to me. DS isn’t motivated, oh well…DS doesn’t have any awards, oh well… DS doesn’t have many interests, oh well…

Do you speak to your child about your concerns? What does he care about? Motivating kids to do their best starts at an early age. Maybe you need to spend some time together to get an idea of what is important to him. I was not a tiger mom, but I did insist my sons put some effort into their school work.

Well I can’t really say “I am worried that you are never one of the best at anything you do”.

I do talk to him about how he doesn’t seem to care about producing good work, and how he needs to practice more if he wants to be better at something.
He is fairly reserved and it’s hard to know what he thinks.

Way to make it clear your love is conditional. No wonder he’s reserved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds fine. Take up a hobby so you can flex your DC tiger parenting instincts on houseplants or something. Give the kid a break. Parents like this are why this is such a tough area to live in.

She’s literally the opposite of a tiger parent. For all the bragging about how she’s so smart, she seems out to lunch and disengaged on the parenting front. A smart mom should be able to look at her middle schooler’s tests and HW and advise him on how he can improve, OP can’t figure this out.

He doesn’t care to improve. He seems to be ok with how things are. I used to make him do this or that, and still do sometimes, but he still finds ways to eff it up tbh.

Or as suggested on this thread, he doesn't have the executive function skills to do better so is pretending it's a lack of motivation so he isn't embarrassed.

This…and instead of trying to find solutions to help him, OP’s looking for permission to wash her hands of him by declaring him “average” and thus beyond help.

[Anonymous]

In life I've found the average people tend to be more successful as they have to work harder for things.

[Anonymous]

Oh FFS he's in middle school! He has the rest of his life to become an academic superstar, if that's what he wants. The fire has to come from within.

FWIW, both my husband and I were super-achievers, and have done very well, but our kid is far more chill. That's ok too. Hyper accomplishment does not always = happiness, I'm afraid. He'll figure it out. Stand down.

[Anonymous]

Focus on his strengths, not weaknesses and comparison to others.

This is a you problem. He is not a reflection of you. He is your son. Parent what God gave you to the best of your ability.

BTW- my brother struggled academically and was totally mediocre until he was 15, then he blossomed. Straight As from there. Fast forward 30 years amd he's a director at a global company. That's not average.