Strictly ranting: my kid is so average it hurts :(

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know I know I should be grateful he is healthy and reasonably good looking , and he actually reads for pleasure, and tries to eat healthy. However, this is about all of his accomplishments.

He is just so perfectly average, at least for our area, that it hurts. I was a good student, top of the class, elementary through college. I didn’t live in such a competitive area with great talent but still. I don’t earn a ton of money, nor do I have a high powered job, but I am quite often the smartest in the room, I know what I want and I usually achieve whatever I put my mind to. He, however, is always somewhere in the middle of the pack.

He is bright but I think he lacks focus and motivation. He also isn’t super likeable or charming, more on the shy side (also not like me).

I will never ever show my disappointment to him but I just feel very sad sometimes. They had an award ceremony at school today and a kid whom I knew as very average had a 4.0 GPA, while my kid has a 2.9. He also didn’t get a single award in any subject or area. It’s middle school but still.

That is all. I don’t think there’s anything to do about it but I wanted to get it off my chest.

How did you know this?

[Anonymous]

OP, I'd be concerned that he hasn't learned skills in certain classes like math and foreign language that will catch up with him in HS and result in Ds or Fs. I'd probably have him do math review over the summer with a tutor to share up skills.

I'd probably also pay more attention to see if he is lacking study skills or not evidencing his knowledge in his work in a way that is keeping him from demonstrating what he knows. Executive function can be taught and it's possible he just needs some additional skills to bump up his grades to at least Bs. Lots of kids mask those challenges by pretending they don't care when the real issue is that they don't know how to do better and give up. A good study tutor may be able to help.

[Anonymous]

Brilliance skips a generation. Were your or your husband's parents brilliant? Probably more average.

[Anonymous]

You are self professed likable, charming and the smartest person in the room and your son is not. Good for him. You sound insufferable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds very sweet, OP, and he will come into his own and shine.

If his GPA is low, and he's "shy" and not focused, have you thought that he may have inattentive ADHD? My son has that (along with other issues) and ADHD meds were a lifesaver in middle and high school while he caught up. Graduated high school with a 4.67 GPA. Now he's in college and doesn't use his meds except for exam days.

Just making a suggestion.

Not everything is a diagnosis or requires medication.

It's possible the kid is just average.

And after all:

[Anonymous]

I was totally and completely average. My sibling was Mensa and my other sibling was captain of multiple sports teams. They were HUGE successes in high school, but pretty much still talk about how amazing high school was.

Of the three of us, I've achieved the most success in life (they are both twice divorced) and professionally (one is unemployed and one coaches high school sports).

Average is not always a bad thing, you don't want to peak in high school

[Anonymous]

OP have you posted previously on how average your life is despite a promising childhood and early youth? Your style and content are familiar.

[Anonymous]

I don't think a middle school GPA below a 3.0 is average these days. With grade inflation, that's the bottom 1/3 of the class, and even worse if you exclude kids with special needs, behavior issues, or significant LDs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Someday your kid may grow up and become a juror at a politically charged trial.

You are an idiot

1. State court
2. Jury of his peers
3. Evidence in a court of law under oath
4. Crime occurred before he was president
5. We live in the United States of America New York prosecuted 136 people last year for the same crimes.
6. In the State of NY criminals get indicted and convicted .

Learn civics scotus can’t change this its state.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are his interests? Can you expose him to more things to help him find a passion or at least develop strong interests?

He’s tried a ton of things, he likes some but nothing sticks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds very sweet, OP, and he will come into his own and shine.

If his GPA is low, and he's "shy" and not focused, have you thought that he may have inattentive ADHD? My son has that (along with other issues) and ADHD meds were a lifesaver in middle and high school while he caught up. Graduated high school with a 4.67 GPA. Now he's in college and doesn't use his meds except for exam days.

Just making a suggestion.

Thank you! It has occurred to me, but it’s more like he either doesn’t want to work harder or maybe he genuinely doesn’t realize that the quality of work he produces is not up to par. Like, he will say - oh I missed assignment X and got an F, but I’ll ace assignment Y and make up the grade. Then, he gets a C on assignment Y and is flabbergasted.

PP you replied to. A little research on the nature of inattentive ADHD would not come amiss. Your son needs a lot of explicit explanations, training and hand-holding. His reactions are textbook inattentive ADHD. The "Oh, I'm so surprised it turned out this way despite my parent and everyone else warning me it would turn out this way" is very frequent in those profiles. The issue is that they are missing key steps in the process. They know what they want, but they can't get there by themselves, because executive function (task initiation, task completion, working memory, time management, organization) are missing. It comes across as laziness or lack of motivation, but it's actually a divergence in the way their brains produce and transmit the neurotransmitters necessary for planning and action, particularly that of non-preferred tasks. Conversely, someone with ADHD might hyperfocus on a preferred task (video games, or reading, or whatever). Hence why their entourage might tend to blame and misunderstand rather then correctly identify and address the underlying issue.

An evaluation might be in order. Generally ADHD kiddos benefit not only from meds, but also from executive function coaching, either informally from parents, from a resource teacher or counselor at school with the services and accommodations of a 504 plan, or from an executive function coach you hire.

Mom of two boys with inattentive ADHD here. That’s what it sounds like to me, too. Medication has made a huge difference in their grades because so much of the work is done in class now, where there are so many distractions. Accommodations helped in the earlier years, but not as helpful in MS and HS. Both were diagnosed in ES and started meds in MS. But I get you, OP. I was a straight A student and really liked school/learning. My kids aren’t like that, and I have to keep reminding myself that their brains work differently and that they’ll do great when they find the thing that they really love (because the ADHD hyperfocus is real!).

Interesting, mine usually does better in class than at home (not always)
And he wasn’t ever hyperfocused on anything
-OP

[Anonymous]

I didn't see anything in your description of yourself that screams "genius" to me. Your GPA? Oh please, it is hardly a measure of success. A really smart person would not compare their child to others and instead build open their interests. If you are only proud of your kid when he gets good grades, then I feel sorry for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of us were at the top of our class and smartest in the room in high school and college, and still wound up pretty average adults.

The people I went to school with who were more average as teenagers generally live nicer lives than I do because they stayed in our small LCOL hometown near their families and bought houses near lakes in their 20s. Meanwhile here I am in DC, going back for a week in the summer....

Interesting! I don’t think living in a small town even if one owns a house is preferential to being in the middle of things to be honest. I am somewhat like you - my peers who stayed in our hometown have become big fish in that pond and own real estate and such while I moved to a HCOL area and don’t own a house. However it’s just… there’s no comparison, I’d never trade with them.

I think there’s nothing wrong with being average as an adult. I just would like to see him being “one of the best” in one situation or another.

I think the thing is that I decided as an adult when I met my husband that I really value work-life balance and wasn't willing to work crazy hours, live apart from my family, etc. But to be able to afford a decent lifestyle "in the middle of things" you do need to be extremely ambitious and willing to move frequently, at least in my field, and that's just not the life I want to live. I don't miss my small town specifically, I was happy to leave it, but i miss the more relaxed lifestyle of living in a LCOL area near family.

Sometimes being "the best" doesn't actually line up with what you want in life. And I think for your kid, it's more important to know his values and follow them than to win a trophy at anything. Maybe not having any fixations and being mellow will help him do that.

For me, the fact of living in an area where things happen is important per se. I was able to carve out a lifestyle I like, though many people think one has to be rich to live in a HCOL area.

For my son, I was hoping school would be relatively easy for him to be better than others in at least one subject. But apparently it’s not the case. He gets high reading comprehension scores but there’s no award for it, or maybe others have even higher ones, idk

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not trying to be mean, but OP in this post you don't seem that likeable or charming to me. So maybe your DS is superior to you in ways you don't appreciate.

Lots of middle school boys are just getting by. It's a great thing that he likes to read. That bodes well for his academic career.

It's striking to me that you seem to hold your DS to a higher standard than you hold yourself. If being special is so important to you, why aren't you more disappointed in yourself? Why is all your disappointment directed at DS, while you pat yourself on the back for not accomplishing much but being "the smartest person in the room?"

I think a little self-reflection is in order here, OP.

You are definitely on to something here.

First, my goal here is not to be likeable. Being likeable is important at school or work or when you are trying to get something out of someone - not even with one’s peers but rather with one’s superiors. That’s what I meant.

Second, yes, I realize I am not accomplished by a conventional measure - not rich and famous. However, I grew up being better than almost everyone at academic things. I should probably remind myself more often that maybe it just was for the lack of competition where I grew up.

Lastly, yes, DS is superior to me in a few ways. He is not a people pleaser. He is very even keeled - I am more anxious. He thinks he is good looking, he is self assured that way - something that I’ve struggled with. I think he has better social standing than I had at his age - my likeabilty was always more about being liked by adults (until I basically taught myself to be universally likeable - well of course not everyone likes me but in general yes).

Me again. I appreciate your taking my comments in the spirit with which they were given. I think it's probably a good thing for you to reflect often on his good qualities--it will help your relationship with him. Not being a people pleaser, being even-keeled, being comfortable in his own skin-- these are wonderful qualities! Definitely not average for a kid his age, lol!

Thank you so much! I think we have a pretty good relationship. I understand I shouldn’t unload my disappointment or sadness or whatever it is on him - it’s just hard to get rid of these feelings entirely.
-OP

[Anonymous]

What is wrong with being average?

The average person in America is average.

(however, survey after survey in the USA results in the overwhelming majority of people indicating they believe they are above-average)