Strictly ranting: my kid is so average it hurts :(

[Anonymous]

The average person is average, so there clearly is nothing wrong with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds fine. Take up a hobby so you can flex your DC tiger parenting instincts on houseplants or something. Give the kid a break. Parents like this are why this is such a tough area to live in.

Sadly or not, I am not a tiger parent at all or maybe he wouldn’t be so average lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not trying to be mean, but OP in this post you don't seem that likeable or charming to me. So maybe your DS is superior to you in ways you don't appreciate.

Lots of middle school boys are just getting by. It's a great thing that he likes to read. That bodes well for his academic career.

It's striking to me that you seem to hold your DS to a higher standard than you hold yourself. If being special is so important to you, why aren't you more disappointed in yourself? Why is all your disappointment directed at DS, while you pat yourself on the back for not accomplishing much but being "the smartest person in the room?"

I think a little self-reflection is in order here, OP.

+1. The narcissism of OP made me really uncomfortable and sad for her son… her son seems like a great kid who isn’t perfect but no one is. Really sad.

I like to think that I don’t let on that I am disappointed. He seems fine, reasonably happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The average person is average, so there clearly is nothing wrong with that.

I just didn’t expect my kid to be one

Otherwise you are right!

[Anonymous]

I've been above average my whole life and it's exhausting. I'd rather be average and happy.

[Anonymous]

What are his interests? Can you expose him to more things to help him find a passion or at least develop strong interests?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds very sweet, OP, and he will come into his own and shine.

If his GPA is low, and he's "shy" and not focused, have you thought that he may have inattentive ADHD? My son has that (along with other issues) and ADHD meds were a lifesaver in middle and high school while he caught up. Graduated high school with a 4.67 GPA. Now he's in college and doesn't use his meds except for exam days.

Just making a suggestion.

Thank you! It has occurred to me, but it’s more like he either doesn’t want to work harder or maybe he genuinely doesn’t realize that the quality of work he produces is not up to par. Like, he will say - oh I missed assignment X and got an F, but I’ll ace assignment Y and make up the grade. Then, he gets a C on assignment Y and is flabbergasted.

PP you replied to. A little research on the nature of inattentive ADHD would not come amiss. Your son needs a lot of explicit explanations, training and hand-holding. His reactions are textbook inattentive ADHD. The "Oh, I'm so surprised it turned out this way despite my parent and everyone else warning me it would turn out this way" is very frequent in those profiles. The issue is that they are missing key steps in the process. They know what they want, but they can't get there by themselves, because executive function (task initiation, task completion, working memory, time management, organization) are missing. It comes across as laziness or lack of motivation, but it's actually a divergence in the way their brains produce and transmit the neurotransmitters necessary for planning and action, particularly that of non-preferred tasks. Conversely, someone with ADHD might hyperfocus on a preferred task (video games, or reading, or whatever). Hence why their entourage might tend to blame and misunderstand rather then correctly identify and address the underlying issue.

An evaluation might be in order. Generally ADHD kiddos benefit not only from meds, but also from executive function coaching, either informally from parents, from a resource teacher or counselor at school with the services and accommodations of a 504 plan, or from an executive function coach you hire.

Mom of two boys with inattentive ADHD here. That’s what it sounds like to me, too. Medication has made a huge difference in their grades because so much of the work is done in class now, where there are so many distractions. Accommodations helped in the earlier years, but not as helpful in MS and HS. Both were diagnosed in ES and started meds in MS. But I get you, OP. I was a straight A student and really liked school/learning. My kids aren’t like that, and I have to keep reminding myself that their brains work differently and that they’ll do great when they find the thing that they really love (because the ADHD hyperfocus is real!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of us were at the top of our class and smartest in the room in high school and college, and still wound up pretty average adults.

The people I went to school with who were more average as teenagers generally live nicer lives than I do because they stayed in our small LCOL hometown near their families and bought houses near lakes in their 20s. Meanwhile here I am in DC, going back for a week in the summer....

Interesting! I don’t think living in a small town even if one owns a house is preferential to being in the middle of things to be honest. I am somewhat like you - my peers who stayed in our hometown have become big fish in that pond and own real estate and such while I moved to a HCOL area and don’t own a house. However it’s just… there’s no comparison, I’d never trade with them.

I think there’s nothing wrong with being average as an adult. I just would like to see him being “one of the best” in one situation or another.

I think the thing is that I decided as an adult when I met my husband that I really value work-life balance and wasn't willing to work crazy hours, live apart from my family, etc. But to be able to afford a decent lifestyle "in the middle of things" you do need to be extremely ambitious and willing to move frequently, at least in my field, and that's just not the life I want to live. I don't miss my small town specifically, I was happy to leave it, but i miss the more relaxed lifestyle of living in a LCOL area near family.

Sometimes being "the best" doesn't actually line up with what you want in life. And I think for your kid, it's more important to know his values and follow them than to win a trophy at anything. Maybe not having any fixations and being mellow will help him do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not trying to be mean, but OP in this post you don't seem that likeable or charming to me. So maybe your DS is superior to you in ways you don't appreciate.

Lots of middle school boys are just getting by. It's a great thing that he likes to read. That bodes well for his academic career.

It's striking to me that you seem to hold your DS to a higher standard than you hold yourself. If being special is so important to you, why aren't you more disappointed in yourself? Why is all your disappointment directed at DS, while you pat yourself on the back for not accomplishing much but being "the smartest person in the room?"

I think a little self-reflection is in order here, OP.

+1. The narcissism of OP made me really uncomfortable and sad for her son… her son seems like a great kid who isn’t perfect but no one is. Really sad.

I like to think that I don’t let on that I am disappointed. He seems fine, reasonably happy.

I think you need therapy OP. Your kid sounds wonderful, someone a lot of other kids would want to be friends with and in the future someone that others will want to work with and he seems headed to a happy life. I hope that in the future you will want that for your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not trying to be mean, but OP in this post you don't seem that likeable or charming to me. So maybe your DS is superior to you in ways you don't appreciate.

Lots of middle school boys are just getting by. It's a great thing that he likes to read. That bodes well for his academic career.

It's striking to me that you seem to hold your DS to a higher standard than you hold yourself. If being special is so important to you, why aren't you more disappointed in yourself? Why is all your disappointment directed at DS, while you pat yourself on the back for not accomplishing much but being "the smartest person in the room?"

I think a little self-reflection is in order here, OP.

You are definitely on to something here.

First, my goal here is not to be likeable. Being likeable is important at school or work or when you are trying to get something out of someone - not even with one’s peers but rather with one’s superiors. That’s what I meant.

Second, yes, I realize I am not accomplished by a conventional measure - not rich and famous. However, I grew up being better than almost everyone at academic things. I should probably remind myself more often that maybe it just was for the lack of competition where I grew up.

Lastly, yes, DS is superior to me in a few ways. He is not a people pleaser. He is very even keeled - I am more anxious. He thinks he is good looking, he is self assured that way - something that I’ve struggled with. I think he has better social standing than I had at his age - my likeabilty was always more about being liked by adults (until I basically taught myself to be universally likeable - well of course not everyone likes me but in general yes).

Me again. I appreciate your taking my comments in the spirit with which they were given. I think it's probably a good thing for you to reflect often on his good qualities--it will help your relationship with him. Not being a people pleaser, being even-keeled, being comfortable in his own skin-- these are wonderful qualities! Definitely not average for a kid his age, lol!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not trying to be mean, but OP in this post you don't seem that likeable or charming to me. So maybe your DS is superior to you in ways you don't appreciate.

Lots of middle school boys are just getting by. It's a great thing that he likes to read. That bodes well for his academic career.

It's striking to me that you seem to hold your DS to a higher standard than you hold yourself. If being special is so important to you, why aren't you more disappointed in yourself? Why is all your disappointment directed at DS, while you pat yourself on the back for not accomplishing much but being "the smartest person in the room?"

I think a little self-reflection is in order here, OP.

+1. The narcissism of OP made me really uncomfortable and sad for her son… her son seems like a great kid who isn’t perfect but no one is. Really sad.

+2

[Anonymous]

Average people usually aren't happy. Life is hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not trying to be mean, but OP in this post you don't seem that likeable or charming to me. So maybe your DS is superior to you in ways you don't appreciate.

Lots of middle school boys are just getting by. It's a great thing that he likes to read. That bodes well for his academic career.

It's striking to me that you seem to hold your DS to a higher standard than you hold yourself. If being special is so important to you, why aren't you more disappointed in yourself? Why is all your disappointment directed at DS, while you pat yourself on the back for not accomplishing much but being "the smartest person in the room?"

I think a little self-reflection is in order here, OP.

You are definitely on to something here.

First, my goal here is not to be likeable. Being likeable is important at school or work or when you are trying to get something out of someone - not even with one’s peers but rather with one’s superiors. That’s what I meant.

Second, yes, I realize I am not accomplished by a conventional measure - not rich and famous. However, I grew up being better than almost everyone at academic things. I should probably remind myself more often that maybe it just was for the lack of competition where I grew up.

Lastly, yes, DS is superior to me in a few ways. He is not a people pleaser. He is very even keeled - I am more anxious. He thinks he is good looking, he is self assured that way - something that I’ve struggled with. I think he has better social standing than I had at his age - my likeabilty was always more about being liked by adults (until I basically taught myself to be universally likeable - well of course not everyone likes me but in general yes).

Me again. I appreciate your taking my comments in the spirit with which they were given. I think it's probably a good thing for you to reflect often on his good qualities--it will help your relationship with him. Not being a people pleaser, being even-keeled, being comfortable in his own skin-- these are wonderful qualities! Definitely not average for a kid his age, lol!

[phone]


Also, not having him in a pressure cooker is much healthier emotionally. The pressure we put on 9 year olds!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Someday your kid may grow up and become a juror at a politically charged trial.

Best comment of the night

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that he likes to read for pleasure as an MS boy makes him very not average. He does need to get his grades up to have options for college. But having an inner world and not swayed by external things is not a bad thing. There are great, kind, hard working, smart but not too intense men out there who are good partners and fathers, volunteer in their community or do EMT stuff, teach soccer and are generally good people. Raise one of those.

Thank you! Yeah I know he’ll do fine in life. I am more upset about the now.

His GPA was always 3.25-3.75, I am not quite sure what happened this trimester, maybe he got a middle school variant of senioritis. He says he will work harder in HS, but who knows.

What middle schools calculate GPAs?

He’s in the middle just like most people. That’s nothing to worry about. There are plenty of kids who would trade places with him.