Strictly ranting: my kid is so average it hurts :(

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that he likes to read for pleasure as an MS boy makes him very not average. He does need to get his grades up to have options for college. But having an inner world and not swayed by external things is not a bad thing. There are great, kind, hard working, smart but not too intense men out there who are good partners and fathers, volunteer in their community or do EMT stuff, teach soccer and are generally good people. Raise one of those.

Thank you! Yeah I know he’ll do fine in life. I am more upset about the now.

His GPA was always 3.25-3.75, I am not quite sure what happened this trimester, maybe he got a middle school variant of senioritis. He says he will work harder in HS, but who knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that he likes to read for pleasure as an MS boy makes him very not average. He does need to get his grades up to have options for college. But having an inner world and not swayed by external things is not a bad thing. There are great, kind, hard working, smart but not too intense men out there who are good partners and fathers, volunteer in their community or do EMT stuff, teach soccer and are generally good people. Raise one of those.

+1

[Anonymous]

Sorry. It’s especially tough when you, yourself, are very competitive. It’s almost like you are willing than determination onto your own. I get it. But do try to think of all of his accomplishments without comparing him (I know it’s tough) to others. He might be a lot happier, too, without studying so hard all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds very sweet, OP, and he will come into his own and shine.

If his GPA is low, and he's "shy" and not focused, have you thought that he may have inattentive ADHD? My son has that (along with other issues) and ADHD meds were a lifesaver in middle and high school while he caught up. Graduated high school with a 4.67 GPA. Now he's in college and doesn't use his meds except for exam days.

Just making a suggestion.

Thank you! It has occurred to me, but it’s more like he either doesn’t want to work harder or maybe he genuinely doesn’t realize that the quality of work he produces is not up to par. Like, he will say - oh I missed assignment X and got an F, but I’ll ace assignment Y and make up the grade. Then, he gets a C on assignment Y and is flabbergasted.

PP you replied to. A little research on the nature of inattentive ADHD would not come amiss. Your son needs a lot of explicit explanations, training and hand-holding. His reactions are textbook inattentive ADHD. The "Oh, I'm so surprised it turned out this way despite my parent and everyone else warning me it would turn out this way" is very frequent in those profiles. The issue is that they are missing key steps in the process. They know what they want, but they can't get there by themselves, because executive function (task initiation, task completion, working memory, time management, organization) are missing. It comes across as laziness or lack of motivation, but it's actually a divergence in the way their brains produce and transmit the neurotransmitters necessary for planning and action, particularly that of non-preferred tasks. Conversely, someone with ADHD might hyperfocus on a preferred task (video games, or reading, or whatever). Hence why their entourage might tend to blame and misunderstand rather then correctly identify and address the underlying issue.

An evaluation might be in order. Generally ADHD kiddos benefit not only from meds, but also from executive function coaching, either informally from parents, from a resource teacher or counselor at school with the services and accommodations of a 504 plan, or from an executive function coach you hire.

Thank you very much for this!

The problem with assignments is not even forgetting to complete it (we are working on it, he is getting better at keeping track of things, and there are make up options!) but rather not wanting to. He KNOWS he hasn’t done assignment X. We talk about it, he tells me very heatedly that he doesn’t have to do it, he will be fine, etc.

What surprises me is that even though he allegedly is doing his best on assignment Y, he STILL doesn’t get an A.

I also don’t see a hyper focus on anything (well maybe except video games but I thought it was pretty common, all of them would game for hours if allowed etc). We tried a million activities throughout his life and nothing really stuck. He has some things he likes but nothing where he invests any significant effort.

I will try to arrange a testing for him though. It’s been nagging me for a while and your posts are the proverbial straw I guess.

[Anonymous]

Honestly this seems ideal to me? Just an average guy, he will make his way and lead a nice boring happy life.

[Anonymous]

Not trying to be mean, but OP in this post you don't seem that likeable or charming to me. So maybe your DS is superior to you in ways you don't appreciate.

Lots of middle school boys are just getting by. It's a great thing that he likes to read. That bodes well for his academic career.

It's striking to me that you seem to hold your DS to a higher standard than you hold yourself. If being special is so important to you, why aren't you more disappointed in yourself? Why is all your disappointment directed at DS, while you pat yourself on the back for not accomplishing much but being "the smartest person in the room?"

I think a little self-reflection is in order here, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry. It’s especially tough when you, yourself, are very competitive. It’s almost like you are willing than determination onto your own. I get it. But do try to think of all of his accomplishments without comparing him (I know it’s tough) to others. He might be a lot happier, too, without studying so hard all the time.

Thank you! I am actually not super competitive. I was naturally curious, loved school, and it was mostly easy for me. When it was hard I would persevere. My awards and recognition came sort of naturally, simply because I was so good and liked learning (sorry for bragging).

I never had a feeling like I was studying “all the time”. Maybe it’s just different now…

[Anonymous]

OP, is he happy?
And don't medicalize being average, which I feel is a curse of this area. Being average is fine. Its probably not ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly this seems ideal to me? Just an average guy, he will make his way and lead a nice boring happy life.

This is what I am trying to tell myself. Heck my own life is pretty average now, but I’ve come a very long way from where I was as a child. He already started on third base compared to me, so he will be fine for sure.

[Anonymous]

Some of us were at the top of our class and smartest in the room in high school and college, and still wound up pretty average adults.

The people I went to school with who were more average as teenagers generally live nicer lives than I do because they stayed in our small LCOL hometown near their families and bought houses near lakes in their 20s. Meanwhile here I am in DC, going back for a week in the summer....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not trying to be mean, but OP in this post you don't seem that likeable or charming to me. So maybe your DS is superior to you in ways you don't appreciate.

Lots of middle school boys are just getting by. It's a great thing that he likes to read. That bodes well for his academic career.

It's striking to me that you seem to hold your DS to a higher standard than you hold yourself. If being special is so important to you, why aren't you more disappointed in yourself? Why is all your disappointment directed at DS, while you pat yourself on the back for not accomplishing much but being "the smartest person in the room?"

I think a little self-reflection is in order here, OP.

+1. The narcissism of OP made me really uncomfortable and sad for her son… her son seems like a great kid who isn’t perfect but no one is. Really sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not trying to be mean, but OP in this post you don't seem that likeable or charming to me. So maybe your DS is superior to you in ways you don't appreciate.

Lots of middle school boys are just getting by. It's a great thing that he likes to read. That bodes well for his academic career.

It's striking to me that you seem to hold your DS to a higher standard than you hold yourself. If being special is so important to you, why aren't you more disappointed in yourself? Why is all your disappointment directed at DS, while you pat yourself on the back for not accomplishing much but being "the smartest person in the room?"

I think a little self-reflection is in order here, OP.

You are definitely on to something here.

First, my goal here is not to be likeable. Being likeable is important at school or work or when you are trying to get something out of someone - not even with one’s peers but rather with one’s superiors. That’s what I meant.

Second, yes, I realize I am not accomplished by a conventional measure - not rich and famous. However, I grew up being better than almost everyone at academic things. I should probably remind myself more often that maybe it just was for the lack of competition where I grew up.

Lastly, yes, DS is superior to me in a few ways. He is not a people pleaser. He is very even keeled - I am more anxious. He thinks he is good looking, he is self assured that way - something that I’ve struggled with. I think he has better social standing than I had at his age - my likeabilty was always more about being liked by adults (until I basically taught myself to be universally likeable - well of course not everyone likes me but in general yes).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, is he happy?
And don't medicalize being average, which I feel is a curse of this area. Being average is fine. Its probably not ADHD.

Thank you!
I think he is reasonably happy. He seems even keeled, so far at 14 no drama or anything (knock on wood).

[Anonymous]

He sounds fine. Take up a hobby so you can flex your DC tiger parenting instincts on houseplants or something. Give the kid a break. Parents like this are why this is such a tough area to live in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of us were at the top of our class and smartest in the room in high school and college, and still wound up pretty average adults.

The people I went to school with who were more average as teenagers generally live nicer lives than I do because they stayed in our small LCOL hometown near their families and bought houses near lakes in their 20s. Meanwhile here I am in DC, going back for a week in the summer....

Interesting! I don’t think living in a small town even if one owns a house is preferential to being in the middle of things to be honest. I am somewhat like you - my peers who stayed in our hometown have become big fish in that pond and own real estate and such while I moved to a HCOL area and don’t own a house. However it’s just… there’s no comparison, I’d never trade with them.

I think there’s nothing wrong with being average as an adult. I just would like to see him being “one of the best” in one situation or another.