Strictly ranting: my kid is so average it hurts :(

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds very sweet, OP, and he will come into his own and shine.

If his GPA is low, and he's "shy" and not focused, have you thought that he may have inattentive ADHD? My son has that (along with other issues) and ADHD meds were a lifesaver in middle and high school while he caught up. Graduated high school with a 4.67 GPA. Now he's in college and doesn't use his meds except for exam days.

Just making a suggestion.

Thank you! It has occurred to me, but it’s more like he either doesn’t want to work harder or maybe he genuinely doesn’t realize that the quality of work he produces is not up to par. Like, he will say - oh I missed assignment X and got an F, but I’ll ace assignment Y and make up the grade. Then, he gets a C on assignment Y and is flabbergasted.

Ugh, I am familiar with this pattern. OP, I understand you. It is really tough to deal with. I would say more, but I feel like DCUM will probably roast us.

Thank you for empathizing!
Feel free to say more - I love it that we are not even attached to a username here so who cares.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand why you would be upset at having an average son if you have exceptional accomplishments. But based on your description, you are average yourself so why would you except your son to be something different?

I didn’t want to go too deep into it but I was a very promising young person - unfortunately I peaked around 30-35 and then it all went sideways due to certain events outside my control. I came a very long way from where I started. Compared to me my son on third base as I said. There is still room for growth (as always!) but it seems like he is stalling. Maybe it’s because he feels comfortable overall? He is fed and clothed and has a welcoming home, however small. I didn’t always have that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know I know I should be grateful he is healthy and reasonably good looking , and he actually reads for pleasure, and tries to eat healthy. However, this is about all of his accomplishments.

He is just so perfectly average, at least for our area, that it hurts. I was a good student, top of the class, elementary through college. I didn’t live in such a competitive area with great talent but still. I don’t earn a ton of money, nor do I have a high powered job, but I am quite often the smartest in the room, I know what I want and I usually achieve whatever I put my mind to. He, however, is always somewhere in the middle of the pack.

He is bright but I think he lacks focus and motivation. He also isn’t super likeable or charming, more on the shy side (also not like me).

I will never ever show my disappointment to him but I just feel very sad sometimes. They had an award ceremony at school today and a kid whom I knew as very average had a 4.0 GPA, while my kid has a 2.9. He also didn’t get a single award in any subject or area. It’s middle school but still.

That is all. I don’t think there’s anything to do about it but I wanted to get it off my chest.

How did you know this?

That kid was in remedial English until this year, lower level math, etc.
I also know him and his parents a little and they are not very, shall I say, intellectual? I mean they aren’t stupid or anything, it’s just that I think they are not thinkers, you know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know I know I should be grateful he is healthy and reasonably good looking , and he actually reads for pleasure, and tries to eat healthy. However, this is about all of his accomplishments.

He is just so perfectly average, at least for our area, that it hurts. I was a good student, top of the class, elementary through college. I didn’t live in such a competitive area with great talent but still. I don’t earn a ton of money, nor do I have a high powered job, but I am quite often the smartest in the room, I know what I want and I usually achieve whatever I put my mind to. He, however, is always somewhere in the middle of the pack.

He is bright but I think he lacks focus and motivation. He also isn’t super likeable or charming, more on the shy side (also not like me).

I will never ever show my disappointment to him but I just feel very sad sometimes. They had an award ceremony at school today and a kid whom I knew as very average had a 4.0 GPA, while my kid has a 2.9. He also didn’t get a single award in any subject or area. It’s middle school but still.

That is all. I don’t think there’s anything to do about it but I wanted to get it off my chest.

How did you know this?

That kid was in remedial English until this year, lower level math, etc.
I also know him and his parents a little and they are not very, shall I say, intellectual? I mean they aren’t stupid or anything, it’s just that I think they are not thinkers, you know?

DP. Honestly, OP, you sound insufferable and mean. Maybe you have the kid you have because the universe is trying to teach you something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'd be concerned that he hasn't learned skills in certain classes like math and foreign language that will catch up with him in HS and result in Ds or Fs. I'd probably have him do math review over the summer with a tutor to share up skills.

I'd probably also pay more attention to see if he is lacking study skills or not evidencing his knowledge in his work in a way that is keeping him from demonstrating what he knows. Executive function can be taught and it's possible he just needs some additional skills to bump up his grades to at least Bs. Lots of kids mask those challenges by pretending they don't care when the real issue is that they don't know how to do better and give up. A good study tutor may be able to help.

He is actually repeating the math level he was in (at an honors level but still the same level). They don’t have a foreign language yet.
Most of his grades are Bs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know I know I should be grateful he is healthy and reasonably good looking , and he actually reads for pleasure, and tries to eat healthy. However, this is about all of his accomplishments.

He is just so perfectly average, at least for our area, that it hurts. I was a good student, top of the class, elementary through college. I didn’t live in such a competitive area with great talent but still. I don’t earn a ton of money, nor do I have a high powered job, but I am quite often the smartest in the room, I know what I want and I usually achieve whatever I put my mind to. He, however, is always somewhere in the middle of the pack.

He is bright but I think he lacks focus and motivation. He also isn’t super likeable or charming, more on the shy side (also not like me).

I will never ever show my disappointment to him but I just feel very sad sometimes. They had an award ceremony at school today and a kid whom I knew as very average had a 4.0 GPA, while my kid has a 2.9. He also didn’t get a single award in any subject or area. It’s middle school but still.

That is all. I don’t think there’s anything to do about it but I wanted to get it off my chest.

How did you know this?

That kid was in remedial English until this year, lower level math, etc.
I also know him and his parents a little and they are not very, shall I say, intellectual? I mean they aren’t stupid or anything, it’s just that I think they are not thinkers, you know?

This is really unkind, OP. Maybe the child had undiagnosed learning disabilities and now they're being addressed. Or maybe the child will stay in lower level courses - he should still be celebrated for getting a 4.0. I'm not even going to touch your comment about the parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know I know I should be grateful he is healthy and reasonably good looking , and he actually reads for pleasure, and tries to eat healthy. However, this is about all of his accomplishments.

He is just so perfectly average, at least for our area, that it hurts. I was a good student, top of the class, elementary through college. I didn’t live in such a competitive area with great talent but still. I don’t earn a ton of money, nor do I have a high powered job, but I am quite often the smartest in the room, I know what I want and I usually achieve whatever I put my mind to. He, however, is always somewhere in the middle of the pack.

He is bright but I think he lacks focus and motivation. He also isn’t super likeable or charming, more on the shy side (also not like me).

I will never ever show my disappointment to him but I just feel very sad sometimes. They had an award ceremony at school today and a kid whom I knew as very average had a 4.0 GPA, while my kid has a 2.9. He also didn’t get a single award in any subject or area. It’s middle school but still.

That is all. I don’t think there’s anything to do about it but I wanted to get it off my chest.

Ahh you’re such an insufferable a-hole

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Brilliance skips a generation. Were your or your husband's parents brilliant? Probably more average.

My ILs aren’t brilliant, not at all. DH is way smarter than them but still I’d say pretty average (though he has a better paying job now! Go figure!).
My mom was brilliant but unfortunately I am repeating her pattern - she peaked even earlier than me and went off a much steeper cliff than me. My dad didn’t do well at school at all, but he is very intellectual and knowledgeable. I think DS takes mostly after him. Bright, a deep thinker, but has no idea how to showcase his strong suits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was totally and completely average. My sibling was Mensa and my other sibling was captain of multiple sports teams. They were HUGE successes in high school, but pretty much still talk about how amazing high school was.

Of the three of us, I've achieved the most success in life (they are both twice divorced) and professionally (one is unemployed and one coaches high school sports).

Average is not always a bad thing, you don't want to peak in high school

Thank you! And congrats on your achievements! It must have been hard to grow up in the shadow of siblings. I am glad you are doing great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know I know I should be grateful he is healthy and reasonably good looking , and he actually reads for pleasure, and tries to eat healthy. However, this is about all of his accomplishments.

He is just so perfectly average, at least for our area, that it hurts. I was a good student, top of the class, elementary through college. I didn’t live in such a competitive area with great talent but still. I don’t earn a ton of money, nor do I have a high powered job, but I am quite often the smartest in the room, I know what I want and I usually achieve whatever I put my mind to. He, however, is always somewhere in the middle of the pack.

He is bright but I think he lacks focus and motivation. He also isn’t super likeable or charming, more on the shy side (also not like me).

I will never ever show my disappointment to him but I just feel very sad sometimes. They had an award ceremony at school today and a kid whom I knew as very average had a 4.0 GPA, while my kid has a 2.9. He also didn’t get a single award in any subject or area. It’s middle school but still.

That is all. I don’t think there’s anything to do about it but I wanted to get it off my chest.

How did you know this?

That kid was in remedial English until this year, lower level math, etc.
I also know him and his parents a little and they are not very, shall I say, intellectual? I mean they aren’t stupid or anything, it’s just that I think they are not thinkers, you know?

This is really unkind, OP. Maybe the child had undiagnosed learning disabilities and now they're being addressed. Or maybe the child will stay in lower level courses - he should still be celebrated for getting a 4.0. I'm not even going to touch your comment about the parents.

Sounds like he’s running circles around OP’s kid. Perhaps his mom is on another message board expressing concern for OP and her unintelligent family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think a middle school GPA below a 3.0 is average these days. With grade inflation, that's the bottom 1/3 of the class, and even worse if you exclude kids with special needs, behavior issues, or significant LDs.

You know I am afraid you might be right
-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is wrong with being average?

The average person in America is average.

(however, survey after survey in the USA results in the overwhelming majority of people indicating they believe they are above-average)

Haha you are right. Thanks for the doze of reality

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of us were at the top of our class and smartest in the room in high school and college, and still wound up pretty average adults.

The people I went to school with who were more average as teenagers generally live nicer lives than I do because they stayed in our small LCOL hometown near their families and bought houses near lakes in their 20s. Meanwhile here I am in DC, going back for a week in the summer....

Interesting! I don’t think living in a small town even if one owns a house is preferential to being in the middle of things to be honest. I am somewhat like you - my peers who stayed in our hometown have become big fish in that pond and own real estate and such while I moved to a HCOL area and don’t own a house. However it’s just… there’s no comparison, I’d never trade with them.

I think there’s nothing wrong with being average as an adult. I just would like to see him being “one of the best” in one situation or another.

I think the thing is that I decided as an adult when I met my husband that I really value work-life balance and wasn't willing to work crazy hours, live apart from my family, etc. But to be able to afford a decent lifestyle "in the middle of things" you do need to be extremely ambitious and willing to move frequently, at least in my field, and that's just not the life I want to live. I don't miss my small town specifically, I was happy to leave it, but i miss the more relaxed lifestyle of living in a LCOL area near family.

Sometimes being "the best" doesn't actually line up with what you want in life. And I think for your kid, it's more important to know his values and follow them than to win a trophy at anything. Maybe not having any fixations and being mellow will help him do that.

For me, the fact of living in an area where things happen is important per se. I was able to carve out a lifestyle I like, though many people think one has to be rich to live in a HCOL area.

For my son, I was hoping school would be relatively easy for him to be better than others in at least one subject. But apparently it’s not the case. He gets high reading comprehension scores but there’s no award for it, or maybe others have even higher ones, idk

Why do you care so much about awards?

I honestly don’t know. I don’t have a ready answer for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds fine. Take up a hobby so you can flex your DC tiger parenting instincts on houseplants or something. Give the kid a break. Parents like this are why this is such a tough area to live in.

She’s literally the opposite of a tiger parent. For all the bragging about how she’s so smart, she seems out to lunch and disengaged on the parenting front. A smart mom should be able to look at her middle schooler’s tests and HW and advise him on how he can improve, OP can’t figure this out.

He doesn’t care to improve. He seems to be ok with how things are. I used to make him do this or that, and still do sometimes, but he still finds ways to eff it up tbh.

Or as suggested on this thread, he doesn't have the executive function skills to do better so is pretending it's a lack of motivation so he isn't embarrassed.

I would understand if he was forgetting assignments. However! Even when I tell him, why don’t you do this assignment that you missed yesterday, there is still time to submit it, he sometimes doesn’t want to do it. I am not sure what the problem is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds very sweet, OP, and he will come into his own and shine.

If his GPA is low, and he's "shy" and not focused, have you thought that he may have inattentive ADHD? My son has that (along with other issues) and ADHD meds were a lifesaver in middle and high school while he caught up. Graduated high school with a 4.67 GPA. Now he's in college and doesn't use his meds except for exam days.

Just making a suggestion.

Thank you! It has occurred to me, but it’s more like he either doesn’t want to work harder or maybe he genuinely doesn’t realize that the quality of work he produces is not up to par. Like, he will say - oh I missed assignment X and got an F, but I’ll ace assignment Y and make up the grade. Then, he gets a C on assignment Y and is flabbergasted.

PP you replied to. A little research on the nature of inattentive ADHD would not come amiss. Your son needs a lot of explicit explanations, training and hand-holding. His reactions are textbook inattentive ADHD. The "Oh, I'm so surprised it turned out this way despite my parent and everyone else warning me it would turn out this way" is very frequent in those profiles. The issue is that they are missing key steps in the process. They know what they want, but they can't get there by themselves, because executive function (task initiation, task completion, working memory, time management, organization) are missing. It comes across as laziness or lack of motivation, but it's actually a divergence in the way their brains produce and transmit the neurotransmitters necessary for planning and action, particularly that of non-preferred tasks. Conversely, someone with ADHD might hyperfocus on a preferred task (video games, or reading, or whatever). Hence why their entourage might tend to blame and misunderstand rather then correctly identify and address the underlying issue.

An evaluation might be in order. Generally ADHD kiddos benefit not only from meds, but also from executive function coaching, either informally from parents, from a resource teacher or counselor at school with the services and accommodations of a 504 plan, or from an executive function coach you hire.

Agree with this 100%. DP.