Strictly ranting: my kid is so average it hurts :(

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someday your kid may grow up and become a juror at a politically charged trial.

Those dudes are set for life.

OP, there are many paths to success. He might marry the ugly daughter of a rich man, who is forever grateful to him and gives him a job for life. He might win Powerball. He might have a child who becomes a child star.

You know, unfortunately I think he may screw it up at the jury selection stage lol

I think I know what bothers me. I usually see opportunities around me and I jump at them. I may not be the hardest worker - but I apply effort strategically. He will sit in the middle of an opportunity and still manage to not take advantage of it. Ugh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know I know I should be grateful he is healthy and reasonably good looking , and he actually reads for pleasure, and tries to eat healthy. However, this is about all of his accomplishments.

He is just so perfectly average, at least for our area, that it hurts. I was a good student, top of the class, elementary through college. I didn’t live in such a competitive area with great talent but still. I don’t earn a ton of money, nor do I have a high powered job, but I am quite often the smartest in the room, I know what I want and I usually achieve whatever I put my mind to. He, however, is always somewhere in the middle of the pack.

He is bright but I think he lacks focus and motivation. He also isn’t super likeable or charming, more on the shy side (also not like me).

I will never ever show my disappointment to him but I just feel very sad sometimes. They had an award ceremony at school today and a kid whom I knew as very average had a 4.0 GPA, while my kid has a 2.9. He also didn’t get a single award in any subject or area. It’s middle school but still.

That is all. I don’t think there’s anything to do about it but I wanted to get it off my chest.

How did you know this?

That kid was in remedial English until this year, lower level math, etc.
I also know him and his parents a little and they are not very, shall I say, intellectual? I mean they aren’t stupid or anything, it’s just that I think they are not thinkers, you know?

This is really unkind, OP. Maybe the child had undiagnosed learning disabilities and now they're being addressed. Or maybe the child will stay in lower level courses - he should still be celebrated for getting a 4.0. I'm not even going to touch your comment about the parents.

Of course he should be celebrated!!! Where did I say he shouldn’t? Good for him, he worked hard!

What I am saying is that my kid is smarter yet he is effing left in the dust!

NP. Well, apparently he’s not.

Yeah maybe not. It doesn’t matter really. What matters are the facts - he isn’t getting awards.
-OP

I can see your priorities are in the right place - lack of awards and putting down someone else’s kid.

[Anonymous]

By the Law of Averages, there will be many average kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know I know I should be grateful he is healthy and reasonably good looking , and he actually reads for pleasure, and tries to eat healthy. However, this is about all of his accomplishments.

He is just so perfectly average, at least for our area, that it hurts. I was a good student, top of the class, elementary through college. I didn’t live in such a competitive area with great talent but still. I don’t earn a ton of money, nor do I have a high powered job, but I am quite often the smartest in the room, I know what I want and I usually achieve whatever I put my mind to. He, however, is always somewhere in the middle of the pack.

He is bright but I think he lacks focus and motivation. He also isn’t super likeable or charming, more on the shy side (also not like me).

I will never ever show my disappointment to him but I just feel very sad sometimes. They had an award ceremony at school today and a kid whom I knew as very average had a 4.0 GPA, while my kid has a 2.9. He also didn’t get a single award in any subject or area. It’s middle school but still.

That is all. I don’t think there’s anything to do about it but I wanted to get it off my chest.

How did you know this?

That kid was in remedial English until this year, lower level math, etc.
I also know him and his parents a little and they are not very, shall I say, intellectual? I mean they aren’t stupid or anything, it’s just that I think they are not thinkers, you know?

DP. Honestly, OP, you sound insufferable and mean. Maybe you have the kid you have because the universe is trying to teach you something.

Well, outwardly I am nice to everyone, never mean, more on the soft spoken side. What I think about people doesn’t really matter since I don’t let on.

But you clearly have those mean, judgmental thoughts and you posted them here. You think just because you don't say it out loud IRL that it somehow absolves you. People like you don't hide it nearly as much as they think they do. Like I said, insufferable.

I disagree with you. We are entitled to thoughts and feelings. What we can’t do is act on those of them that are unkind.
And it’s just a fact that some people are smart and others aren’t so smart. I think people are too engulfed in pretending like some facts aren’t actually facts.
-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know I know I should be grateful he is healthy and reasonably good looking , and he actually reads for pleasure, and tries to eat healthy. However, this is about all of his accomplishments.

He is just so perfectly average, at least for our area, that it hurts. I was a good student, top of the class, elementary through college. I didn’t live in such a competitive area with great talent but still. I don’t earn a ton of money, nor do I have a high powered job, but I am quite often the smartest in the room, I know what I want and I usually achieve whatever I put my mind to. He, however, is always somewhere in the middle of the pack.

He is bright but I think he lacks focus and motivation. He also isn’t super likeable or charming, more on the shy side (also not like me).

I will never ever show my disappointment to him but I just feel very sad sometimes. They had an award ceremony at school today and a kid whom I knew as very average had a 4.0 GPA, while my kid has a 2.9. He also didn’t get a single award in any subject or area. It’s middle school but still.

That is all. I don’t think there’s anything to do about it but I wanted to get it off my chest.

How did you know this?

That kid was in remedial English until this year, lower level math, etc.
I also know him and his parents a little and they are not very, shall I say, intellectual? I mean they aren’t stupid or anything, it’s just that I think they are not thinkers, you know?

This is really unkind, OP. Maybe the child had undiagnosed learning disabilities and now they're being addressed. Or maybe the child will stay in lower level courses - he should still be celebrated for getting a 4.0. I'm not even going to touch your comment about the parents.

Of course he should be celebrated!!! Where did I say he shouldn’t? Good for him, he worked hard!

What I am saying is that my kid is smarter yet he is effing left in the dust!

NP. Well, apparently he’s not.

Yeah maybe not. It doesn’t matter really. What matters are the facts - he isn’t getting awards.
-OP

I can see your priorities are in the right place - lack of awards and putting down someone else’s kid.

Who cares what I think about that kid. He won’t know, his mom won’t know.
Of course we all judge everyone else. We are just wrong sometimes, like I was wrong about that kid. Good for him!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know I know I should be grateful he is healthy and reasonably good looking , and he actually reads for pleasure, and tries to eat healthy. However, this is about all of his accomplishments.

He is just so perfectly average, at least for our area, that it hurts. I was a good student, top of the class, elementary through college. I didn’t live in such a competitive area with great talent but still. I don’t earn a ton of money, nor do I have a high powered job, but I am quite often the smartest in the room, I know what I want and I usually achieve whatever I put my mind to. He, however, is always somewhere in the middle of the pack.

He is bright but I think he lacks focus and motivation. He also isn’t super likeable or charming, more on the shy side (also not like me).

I will never ever show my disappointment to him but I just feel very sad sometimes. They had an award ceremony at school today and a kid whom I knew as very average had a 4.0 GPA, while my kid has a 2.9. He also didn’t get a single award in any subject or area. It’s middle school but still.

That is all. I don’t think there’s anything to do about it but I wanted to get it off my chest.

How did you know this?

That kid was in remedial English until this year, lower level math, etc.
I also know him and his parents a little and they are not very, shall I say, intellectual? I mean they aren’t stupid or anything, it’s just that I think they are not thinkers, you know?

DP. Honestly, OP, you sound insufferable and mean. Maybe you have the kid you have because the universe is trying to teach you something.

Well, outwardly I am nice to everyone, never mean, more on the soft spoken side. What I think about people doesn’t really matter since I don’t let on.

But you clearly have those mean, judgmental thoughts and you posted them here. You think just because you don't say it out loud IRL that it somehow absolves you. People like you don't hide it nearly as much as they think they do. Like I said, insufferable.

I disagree with you. We are entitled to thoughts and feelings. What we can’t do is act on those of them that are unkind.
And it’s just a fact that some people are smart and others aren’t so smart. I think people are too engulfed in pretending like some facts aren’t actually facts.
-OP

You did act on them, though. You've posted some pretty awful stuff on here about that other family. A few people have pointed this out to you and you continue to defend yourself. For someone who is seemingly obsessed with being smart and accomplished, you seem to be well below average in terms of emotional intelligence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop worrying!

Remember: C’s earn degrees !

But they don’t easily get the good jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds very sweet, OP, and he will come into his own and shine.

If his GPA is low, and he's "shy" and not focused, have you thought that he may have inattentive ADHD? My son has that (along with other issues) and ADHD meds were a lifesaver in middle and high school while he caught up. Graduated high school with a 4.67 GPA. Now he's in college and doesn't use his meds except for exam days.

Just making a suggestion.

Thank you! It has occurred to me, but it’s more like he either doesn’t want to work harder or maybe he genuinely doesn’t realize that the quality of work he produces is not up to par. Like, he will say - oh I missed assignment X and got an F, but I’ll ace assignment Y and make up the grade. Then, he gets a C on assignment Y and is flabbergasted.

PP you replied to. A little research on the nature of inattentive ADHD would not come amiss. Your son needs a lot of explicit explanations, training and hand-holding. His reactions are textbook inattentive ADHD. The "Oh, I'm so surprised it turned out this way despite my parent and everyone else warning me it would turn out this way" is very frequent in those profiles. The issue is that they are missing key steps in the process. They know what they want, but they can't get there by themselves, because executive function (task initiation, task completion, working memory, time management, organization) are missing. It comes across as laziness or lack of motivation, but it's actually a divergence in the way their brains produce and transmit the neurotransmitters necessary for planning and action, particularly that of non-preferred tasks. Conversely, someone with ADHD might hyperfocus on a preferred task (video games, or reading, or whatever). Hence why their entourage might tend to blame and misunderstand rather then correctly identify and address the underlying issue.

An evaluation might be in order. Generally ADHD kiddos benefit not only from meds, but also from executive function coaching, either informally from parents, from a resource teacher or counselor at school with the services and accommodations of a 504 plan, or from an executive function coach you hire.

Agree with this 100%. DP.

Ditto. FWIW, my son in MS was a solid B student who seemed lazy and apathetic about school. It all went to hell in 9th grade and we finally got him evaluated. Diagnosed with ADHD (same as DH, we really should have seen it sooner). Meds and executive function coaching helped a lot. By junior year he was a straight-A student taking several AP classes. Now a solid A college student majoring in applied math and working this summer at a great internship. He's still pretty laid back overall, quiet, not competitive, doesn't win awards but is a good friend, a good employee (he's also a TA during the school year), happy and doing well.

Thank you for telling your son’s story! He seems like a very fine young man.
I think I need to get mine evaluated. I was thinking about it earlier, I even emailed a teacher who expressed concerns about his work ethic, but the school said they won’t evaluate because he isn’t failing.
I guess I need to go through the medical route.
I just… I was really hoping he would just mature. But I guess I owe it to him.

It may still be just maturity and attitude, not ADHD. Regardless he may benefit from executive function coaching, especially if the coach/tutor is a young man. My son really benefited in 9th-10th grade from working with two tutors (one for French, one for EF) that were guys recently out of college. They really inspired him to aim higher. He took the message a lot better from them than Mom/Dad who clearly don't know anything.

[Anonymous]

The more I read from OP, the more this reads as a troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know I know I should be grateful he is healthy and reasonably good looking , and he actually reads for pleasure, and tries to eat healthy. However, this is about all of his accomplishments.

He is just so perfectly average, at least for our area, that it hurts. I was a good student, top of the class, elementary through college. I didn’t live in such a competitive area with great talent but still. I don’t earn a ton of money, nor do I have a high powered job, but I am quite often the smartest in the room, I know what I want and I usually achieve whatever I put my mind to. He, however, is always somewhere in the middle of the pack.

He is bright but I think he lacks focus and motivation. He also isn’t super likeable or charming, more on the shy side (also not like me).

I will never ever show my disappointment to him but I just feel very sad sometimes. They had an award ceremony at school today and a kid whom I knew as very average had a 4.0 GPA, while my kid has a 2.9. He also didn’t get a single award in any subject or area. It’s middle school but still.

That is all. I don’t think there’s anything to do about it but I wanted to get it off my chest.

How did you know this?

That kid was in remedial English until this year, lower level math, etc.
I also know him and his parents a little and they are not very, shall I say, intellectual? I mean they aren’t stupid or anything, it’s just that I think they are not thinkers, you know?

This is really unkind, OP. Maybe the child had undiagnosed learning disabilities and now they're being addressed. Or maybe the child will stay in lower level courses - he should still be celebrated for getting a 4.0. I'm not even going to touch your comment about the parents.

+1 I shared before about my son who did much better after being diagnosed/treated for ADHD in HS. I know when he and former ES/MS classmates were finishing HS there were some comments/looks questioning how did DS get into college X when their (presumably superior) kid did not. They had no idea of DS's path as the kids and parents had not remained friends into HS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop worrying!

Remember: C’s earn degrees !

Yes, but they don't get hired easily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds fine. Take up a hobby so you can flex your DC tiger parenting instincts on houseplants or something. Give the kid a break. Parents like this are why this is such a tough area to live in.

She’s literally the opposite of a tiger parent. For all the bragging about how she’s so smart, she seems out to lunch and disengaged on the parenting front. A smart mom should be able to look at her middle schooler’s tests and HW and advise him on how he can improve, OP can’t figure this out.

I am not a tiger parent at all, but my same-age kid is smart enough. I let him “fail” for one semester in the beginning of middle school, then explained to him calmly that all his teachers say he can do the work and he is expected to get As, needs to do the work, and all computer access is tied to the work. Then follow through. I am lenient on screen time if he gets his work done. I don’t check it, I just check the portal. He’s a straight A student now, going into high school in all honors.

Being OK with Cs is ridiculous for an average kid with modern grade inflation, especially when there is no reason other than laziness to not complete the work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds fine. Take up a hobby so you can flex your DC tiger parenting instincts on houseplants or something. Give the kid a break. Parents like this are why this is such a tough area to live in.

She’s literally the opposite of a tiger parent. For all the bragging about how she’s so smart, she seems out to lunch and disengaged on the parenting front. A smart mom should be able to look at her middle schooler’s tests and HW and advise him on how he can improve, OP can’t figure this out.

He doesn’t care to improve. He seems to be ok with how things are. I used to make him do this or that, and still do sometimes, but he still finds ways to eff it up tbh.

Or as suggested on this thread, he doesn't have the executive function skills to do better so is pretending it's a lack of motivation so he isn't embarrassed.

This…and instead of trying to find solutions to help him, OP’s looking for permission to wash her hands of him by declaring him “average” and thus beyond help.

Oh please. We are working on it constantly. He is just very resistant. That’s why I am tempted to wash my hands off him.

Don’t be stupid. Unplug the wifi until he does his work and he will get his crap together.

[Anonymous]

I didn't read much of this, but I read enough that I really feel sorry for the OP's son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read much of this, but I read enough that I really feel sorry for the OP's son.

Me too. I’m picturing this shy, polite, sweet kid reading his books and assuming that he is cherished by his mom, who is actually ashamed of him and sees nothing to admire or be proud of. Ouch, I’m hurting for him.