Why is DD being excluded?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You think a bunch of strangers on an anonymous forum are going to be able to tell you, with the scant details you've provided which are incredibly subjective, are going to be able to tell you in a meaningful way why your daughter doesn't have friends?

Are you okay? Are you seeking a therapist yet? If not, do so expeditiously.

Geez. I’m just wondering if this is normal, and wondering if anyone knows what motives kids could have to target a normal, average kid. Get a grip.

You know it's not "normal" for a child to have no friends and be "avoided like the plague" by other kids. There's something wrong here and likely you're a part of it given your clear obtuseness.

Ignore this unkind poster. I’m sorry, OP. It must be so hard to see your child in pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s not smart or dumb, good or bad looking, she’s not autistic or special needs, and she has normal interests. Why is she excluded from everything? Not bullied, but no one talks to her and they avoid her like the plague. She comes home crying every day.

Oh hey, you're an ableist jerk. My kid w/ autism has friends and isn't excluded.

Not OP, but I have read DCUM enough to know that as soon as you ask for social or relationship help, someone will accuse you or the other party of ASD/ADHD/NPD. I don’t think OP is saying people with ASD can’t or don’t have friends, she was trying to keep the thread from going down a path where everyone insists her daughter’s issues are due to an underlying disorder.

[Anonymous]

It’s a super small school and she only has 1 teacher? That is a recipe for disaster for a kid with social challenges. She’s been typecast at some point and if the school is really that small that there is only 1 teacher and no advisor, I don’t see any way to salvage this. FWIW, when we were choosing between living in Falls Church City and Arlington, the small size of FCC was something a family we know with older kids brought up. It’s so small that if your kid is labeled a trouble maker or a weirdo, it’s hard to recover.

You also say she’s picky about her friend group but what you meant was she doesn’t like anyone in her class. Why then do you think these peers she clearly distains should be kind and welcoming to her? She probably has several years of both overly and subtly signaling that she doesn’t like them. Why would they suddenly include her?

Why exactly are you staying at this school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s not smart or dumb, good or bad looking, she’s not autistic or special needs, and she has normal interests. Why is she excluded from everything? Not bullied, but no one talks to her and they avoid her like the plague. She comes home crying every day.

How old?

Maybe it's in her head -- anxiety.

[Anonymous]

OP, I promise I'm not saying this in the nasty way it was originally asked, but does your DD have a therapist?

My DD with social anxiety often felt overlooked and ignored at school, although she generally had one or two close friends outside of school. She wasn't necessarily upset about it, she just kind of withdrew into herself, and went through her days without really talking to anyone. Her therapist really helped her to both pinpoint precisely where she might be struggling, and to learn to manage her emotions and her reactions to social struggles as they arose.

Most importantly, they worked out that her then-undiagnosed ADHD was making it difficult for her to interact with other kids in groups, because she couldn't follow the overlapping threads of conversations. It either caused kids to avoid including her because she always seemed a beat "off," (and she knew it), or she was too anxious to talk in case she'd missed something.

Her therapist suggested we have some testing done, and after a diagnosis, medication, and almost two years of therapy, she's like a different kid. She still sticks mainly to a core group of close friends with similar interests, but she can go to school and happily interact with classmates, and she's made friends at her extracurricular activities (where before she'd do an activity and come home without speaking to anyone beyond the essentials). She's even been selected by her peers for a leadership position in one.

If this has been an issue for your DD since middle school, and she's struggling with making friends in non-school situations as well, then it's time to get her some help. There are social skills groups that could be helpful, but a good one-on-one therapist is probably the place to start.

Even in the event that you're right, and it truly is a "them" problem and not a "her" problem, at the very least a therapist can help her work through why she's so upset about being ignored by a bunch of kids she really doesn't like that much anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I promise I'm not saying this in the nasty way it was originally asked, but does your DD have a therapist?

My DD with social anxiety often felt overlooked and ignored at school, although she generally had one or two close friends outside of school. She wasn't necessarily upset about it, she just kind of withdrew into herself, and went through her days without really talking to anyone. Her therapist really helped her to both pinpoint precisely where she might be struggling, and to learn to manage her emotions and her reactions to social struggles as they arose.

Most importantly, they worked out that her then-undiagnosed ADHD was making it difficult for her to interact with other kids in groups, because she couldn't follow the overlapping threads of conversations. It either caused kids to avoid including her because she always seemed a beat "off," (and she knew it), or she was too anxious to talk in case she'd missed something.

Her therapist suggested we have some testing done, and after a diagnosis, medication, and almost two years of therapy, she's like a different kid. She still sticks mainly to a core group of close friends with similar interests, but she can go to school and happily interact with classmates, and she's made friends at her extracurricular activities (where before she'd do an activity and come home without speaking to anyone beyond the essentials). She's even been selected by her peers for a leadership position in one.

If this has been an issue for your DD since middle school, and she's struggling with making friends in non-school situations as well, then it's time to get her some help. There are social skills groups that could be helpful, but a good one-on-one therapist is probably the place to start.

Even in the event that you're right, and it truly is a "them" problem and not a "her" problem, at the very least a therapist can help her work through why she's so upset about being ignored by a bunch of kids she really doesn't like that much anyway.

I’m so glad your DD is doing better. My kid was in therapy for about a year but didn’t like any of the therapists we tried, so she quit (much to my disappointment). She refuses to take anxiety/depression medication, which I think is understandable.

[Anonymous]

Going to school in much of the DMV is hard for anyone who is average. Average is a dirty word in the DMV. It is an environment that worships exceptionalism in everything at all costs. I'm sure your girl is fantastic, but likely doesn't feel that way because it's hard to stand out, and she may be made to feel it. There is a lot of social jockeying in the schools there. Kids who will be your kid's friend in the neighborhood when it's just them, but not at school -- that kind of thing. It's can be very lonely place to be a kid. Exclusion is very common. Your daughter is far from alone!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s not smart or dumb, good or bad looking, she’s not autistic or special needs, and she has normal interests. Why is she excluded from everything? Not bullied, but no one talks to her and they avoid her like the plague. She comes home crying every day.

Oh hey, you're an ableist jerk. My kid w/ autism has friends and isn't excluded.

Not OP, but I have read DCUM enough to know that as soon as you ask for social or relationship help, someone will accuse you or the other party of ASD/ADHD/NPD. I don’t think OP is saying people with ASD can’t or don’t have friends, she was trying to keep the thread from going down a path where everyone insists her daughter’s issues are due to an underlying disorder.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s not smart or dumb, good or bad looking, she’s not autistic or special needs, and she has normal interests. Why is she excluded from everything? Not bullied, but no one talks to her and they avoid her like the plague. She comes home crying every day.

Oh hey, you're an ableist jerk. My kid w/ autism has friends and isn't excluded.

Not OP, but I have read DCUM enough to know that as soon as you ask for social or relationship help, someone will accuse you or the other party of ASD/ADHD/NPD. I don’t think OP is saying people with ASD can’t or don’t have friends, she was trying to keep the thread from going down a path where everyone insists her daughter’s issues are due to an underlying disorder.

This is obvious. Ignore the trolls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An age would really be helpful here.

OP here. Thanks everyone for the answers. She’s 17 but this has been happening since she was in middle school.

Good to see you trying to nip this problem in the bud.

[Anonymous]

Volunteer at the school where you can peek at the children interacting.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]You think a bunch of strangers on an anonymous forum are going to be able to tell you, with the scant details you've provided which are incredibly subjective, are going to be able to tell you in a meaningful way why your daughter doesn't have friends?

Are you okay? Are you seeking a therapist yet? If not, do so expeditiously.[/quote]

What a nasty unnecessary response. You're the one who needs to seek therapy. OP ignore this person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You think a bunch of strangers on an anonymous forum are going to be able to tell you, with the scant details you've provided which are incredibly subjective, are going to be able to tell you in a meaningful way why your daughter doesn't have friends?

Are you okay? Are you seeking a therapist yet? If not, do so expeditiously.

Geez. I’m just wondering if this is normal, and wondering if anyone knows what motives kids could have to target a normal, average kid. Get a grip.

You know it's not "normal" for a child to have no friends and be "avoided like the plague" by other kids. There's something wrong here and likely you're a part of it given your clear obtuseness.

:hunf: You sound weirdly angry. NP.

No they didn't. NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she trying to be friends with the wrong people and taking it all to heart thinking nobody likes her at all? I see this sometimes.

She is pretty picky with her friend group, but she generally tries to be nice to everyone…

Could this be her problem OP? She's 17 and she has a fair weather group of friends. If she's picky, does this mean she's overly investing in her current group and not trying to branch out?

Friend groups continue to form and change through 12th grade.

Maybe my question made it seem like she has a friend group. She doesn’t- she does not have a single friend or acquaintance. I’m pretty sure she goes most days without speaking to a person.

Ok thanks OP. Your answers are all over the place. She's targeted. She's just ignored. She's picky about her friend group. She has no friends. Are you a real person? If so, time for some real specifics. If not, I'm out of this thread.

Sorry if I haven’t been clear.

She does not have friends. She is left out of parties, invitations, etc, even when her whole class is invited (small private school). She is left out of group projects, etc. I said she was “picky” because she doesn’t like the kids in her class.

So ... she doesn't like the kids in her class, but comes home crying because they don't want to talk to her? I don't want to talk to people who don't like me either. Mystery solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"she’s not autistic or special needs"

Wow aren't you a peach?

NP but seriously??? Are you saying that teens/tweens you know regularly go out of their way to include the special needs/autistic kids in their friend group?
You’ve never observed that teens are not incredibly inclusive of special needs/autistic kids?? I don’t mean “oh my kid is always nice to everyone” kind of inclusive.
I mean I find it hard to believe that it is a shock that anyone would observe that special needs kids are often excluded from groups of teens.
I don’t think OP was trying to be mean. She was trying to point out that there was not an obvious “typical teen” reason to point ti for why her kid wasn’t fitting in or was an outlier in “the group”