Why is DD being excluded?

[Anonymous]

An age would really be helpful here.

[Anonymous]

Is she trying to be friends with the wrong people and taking it all to heart thinking nobody likes her at all? I see this sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s not smart or dumb, good or bad looking, she’s not autistic or special needs, and she has normal interests. Why is she excluded from everything? Not bullied, but no one talks to her and they avoid her like the plague. She comes home crying every day.

This is bullying.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like my 11 year old. the things that helped :

- finding therapist to help develop social skills
- cultivating friendships outside of school with activities (mix of arts and sports).
- switching schools. we realized none of my kid’s classmates were in the same activities. just not a lot in common. we went from small private to public and they loved the switch.
- giving the kid two “get out of school” cards. they could call for early pick up or even skip a day. no questions asked. this actually helped my kid tough thru the not-great days because they wanted to save the cards for the really bad days

it can be really hard.

This is brilliant!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s not smart or dumb, good or bad looking, she’s not autistic or special needs, and she has normal interests. Why is she excluded from everything? Not bullied, but no one talks to her and they avoid her like the plague. She comes home crying every day.

This is bullying.

No it isn’t. For goodness sakes. Children have free will to make friends. The onus for friendship lies with everyone.

"Avoiding someone like the plague" is social ostracism. Social ostracism is bullying.

This is very different from being friends with that person or including her in events outside of school. Some of you jumping to your armchair diagnoses seem incapable of understanding some pretty basic distinctions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"she’s not autistic or special needs"

Wow aren't you a peach?

Meh, OP prefaced with that because otherwise the first comments would be "could she be on the spectrum?"

I am willing to bet OP or kid is HFASD. At the very least OP needs a course on social skills.

And your qualifications are...?

[Anonymous]

Switch schools if the kids don't share any common interests with your DD. My kid is going to go from a small private school where most of the kids love sports to a medium-sized artsy charter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An age would really be helpful here.

OP here. Thanks everyone for the answers. She’s 17 but this has been happening since she was in middle school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she trying to be friends with the wrong people and taking it all to heart thinking nobody likes her at all? I see this sometimes.

She is pretty picky with her friend group, but she generally tries to be nice to everyone…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This may sound bad, but, does she wear odd clothes? Does she bathe regularly? Anything out of the norm with her hair? There are many things that could put other kids off. The fact is, kids "avoid" other kids because they are perceived to have something odd going on.

If she's just shy and flies below the radar, then that is different. But if she's trying to make friends and no one wants anything to do with her, then something is going on with how she comes off.

She’s a clean person and couldn’t be picked out of a lineup of kids. She does tend to be shy but is really reaching out and it feels like no one wants anything to do with her.

[Anonymous]

OP - I feel your heartache as I have a similar situation with my 17 year old. It is so sad. Especially when her group of 'friends' will come to our house for a gathering but then not reciprocate the invite when they host themselves.

[Anonymous]

That sounds hard, OP. Can you say more about how she is reaching out, and to who? There are tons of threads on DCUM about the importance of joining activities where kids tend to be friendly and accepting. That’s always an excellent place to start. Is your DD doing that? Does she try to identify other shy kids and approach them, as maybe more receptive? In general, does your DD project confidence and friendliness or does she come across as shy or standoffish? Are people actively ignoring her or just kind of overlooking her because they’re caught up in their own lives? If she’s 17, she’s a junior or a senior, which means lots of kids are caught up in getting ready for college applications. Your daughter sounds nice, and she should keep trying to find opportunities where she and other kids can get to know each other. Sports, clubs, activities are all where most kids make friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s not smart or dumb, good or bad looking, she’s not autistic or special needs, and she has normal interests. Why is she excluded from everything? Not bullied, but no one talks to her and they avoid her like the plague. She comes home crying every day.

public or private school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, same thing with my daughter. She has "friends" she hangs out with at school. But they all meet up after school and exclude her. Maybe it's just the age.

DS was like this in MS. I think it's the age.

DS was a late bloomer so they didn't really get on anymore with kids his age who had reached puberty. He was not athletic, but he is super smart. A lot of the boys in MS played sports, and DS did not. He was more of a nerd.

FFW HS, he hit puberty, and things got a lot better.

MS is really tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I feel your heartache as I have a similar situation with my 17 year old. It is so sad. Especially when her group of 'friends' will come to our house for a gathering but then not reciprocate the invite when they host themselves.

It could be because while they don't dislike her, they find her "not fun". It's hard. My DS went through something similar. He was not the "fun" kid. They didn't dislike him, and they did come to his birthday party, but I think they did not find him all that fun. He was a bit of a nerd.