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Why is DD being excluded?
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Anonymous
| If she's 17 then at that point maybe she needs to give up on HS and focus on what she'll do to make friends in college. |
Anonymous
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I’m sorry OP. This is so hard to deal with as a parent, and it is hard to know what to do to help. I have a similar issue with my 14yo son- super average looking (nothing unusual or that would stand out), plays a HS sport, nice kid, on the quiet side. He actually does have a few friends but most other kids actively dislike him- especially boys- and I have never been able to figure out why. Kids actually come up to his close in age siblings or say in front of them “ugh your brother is so annoying” “I hate your brother” etc. I think he is a late bloomer who lacks confidence and seems “socially younger” which is a big part of it. Both of his siblings report that he is nice (not secretly being mean or anything) nor have I ever heard anyone complain that he is. It is a bit of a mystery.
At this point I’m assuming HS will be socially blah, and hoping he comes into his own in college. |
Anonymous
At this point, there is probably not much you can do. She'll get a clean start in college. Does she attend a really small school? I can't fathom something like this happening in public schools, because there are thousands of kids, and there is bound to be a group of kids that are into the same things as your child is, and that she can hang out with. If this is happening in a large public, I would look at what others have suggested upthread about possible reasons. |
Anonymous
It might be worthwhile delving into what exactly is "annoying" about him. My MS DD says the same thing about certain kids, that they're annoying. It seems to mean that they're kissing up to teachers, cannot be trusted to hold secrets (stupid MS "secrets", not anything actually important), don't have a sense of humor, or otherwise extremely straightforward. |
Anonymous
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She is probably boring to other kids. Sorry if that sounds insulting. She is probably not actually a boring person, she just isn't exciting and maybe takes a lot of energy from others to draw out her personality, which is common with shy, more introverted people. As she gains confidence and self esteem (which unfortunately may wait until college as usually social success drives more success) she will be more appealing to others. Also as teenagers mature into their 20s they find other qualities more appealing and often the class clown/funny/shallow friendship entertaining type start to grate a little bit because people realize that some of those people are putting on a show and they don't even know who they are really.
At 17, she's likely at the end of her junior or senior year? and just like in 5th grade and 8th grade, most kids don't make new friends in those years, as kids start looking forward to moving on to new schools. They also tend to be pretty tired of their peers by now and feel like they know everyone there is to know and aren't branching out (but at a really large school, this could still happen...if its a small school forget it, they've already categorized her and dismissed her as a potential friend after a few years). I would suggest she get a summer job where she's working with young adults. Often teenagers like this that struggle with peers will connect with people in their late tees/early 20s. |
Anonymous
Yeah, this is good advice. |
Anonymous
Could this be her problem OP? She's 17 and she has a fair weather group of friends. If she's picky, does this mean she's overly investing in her current group and not trying to branch out? Friend groups continue to form and change through 12th grade. |
Anonymous
| I will also add that if she's a junior, her very best chance of making some friends senior year will be the first 2 weeks of school next year. If she can find herself adopted by an extrovert who knows a lot of people, sometimes those people are the best for people like your daughter. |
Anonymous
Maybe my question made it seem like she has a friend group. She doesn’t- she does not have a single friend or acquaintance. I’m pretty sure she goes most days without speaking to a person. |
Anonymous
-1 |
Anonymous
| Is she realistic about who “her people” are? My oldest wants to be friends with a group of outgoing, athletic, sometimes obnoxious boys. My kid is shy, a rule follower, physically fine at sports but not competitive or interested. There are other kids who are actually interested in the same things my kid is into - building models, engineering kits, and making inventions, drawing, and reading historical fiction books for fun bc outside of class. Yet when I try to encourage friendships with these kids who clearly share his interests, but perhaps present as more nerdy, he is not interested. It’s hard to watch. I’d rather he had good friends who appreciated him when he is his authentic self than have him be popular. Unfortunately the popular kids give him just enough attention that he hangs on. He is invited to group things, but he’s never anyone’s top 1-2 pick if they get bring a friend to something special. |
Anonymous
Probably lack of boundaries and personal space. Interrupts conversation. Doesn't follow social cues when someone isn't interested in talking more (this is so important, I see this with adults too....you can be any type of personality but if you know when to back off, most people will like you well enough....but if you keep talking about won't let them leave the conversation when its clear you want to be done, people will literally avoid talking to you because they don't want to have to be put in that position to extrapolate themselves. You feel trapped!). |
Anonymous
Ok thanks OP. Your answers are all over the place. She's targeted. She's just ignored. She's picky about her friend group. She has no friends. Are you a real person? If so, time for some real specifics. If not, I'm out of this thread. |
Anonymous
Sorry if I haven’t been clear. She does not have friends. She is left out of parties, invitations, etc, even when her whole class is invited (small private school). She is left out of group projects, etc. I said she was “picky” because she doesn’t like the kids in her class. |
Anonymous
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Different poster here.
Have you spoken with her advisor? If not, I would have a frank conversation with this person and say, "hey, I'm really worried about XX. She says she goes through entire days without speaking to anyone. She comes home crying most days. What are you seeing? Do you think it's just bad luck with friends or do you suspect something more?" Frankly, if this was my child i would have done this months ago. This is what advisors are there for in private schools (and counselors in public schools). |