Why is DD being excluded?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she trying to be friends with the wrong people and taking it all to heart thinking nobody likes her at all? I see this sometimes.

She is pretty picky with her friend group, but she generally tries to be nice to everyone…

Could this be her problem OP? She's 17 and she has a fair weather group of friends. If she's picky, does this mean she's overly investing in her current group and not trying to branch out?

Friend groups continue to form and change through 12th grade.

Maybe my question made it seem like she has a friend group. She doesn’t- she does not have a single friend or acquaintance. I’m pretty sure she goes most days without speaking to a person.

Ok thanks OP. Your answers are all over the place. She's targeted. She's just ignored. She's picky about her friend group. She has no friends. Are you a real person? If so, time for some real specifics. If not, I'm out of this thread.

Sorry if I haven’t been clear.

She does not have friends. She is left out of parties, invitations, etc, even when her whole class is invited (small private school). She is left out of group projects, etc. I said she was “picky” because she doesn’t like the kids in her class.

If this is a small private school, call the counselor. They can help, or at least let you know what they think is going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she trying to be friends with the wrong people and taking it all to heart thinking nobody likes her at all? I see this sometimes.

She is pretty picky with her friend group, but she generally tries to be nice to everyone…

Could this be her problem OP? She's 17 and she has a fair weather group of friends. If she's picky, does this mean she's overly investing in her current group and not trying to branch out?

Friend groups continue to form and change through 12th grade.

Maybe my question made it seem like she has a friend group. She doesn’t- she does not have a single friend or acquaintance. I’m pretty sure she goes most days without speaking to a person.

Ok thanks OP. Your answers are all over the place. She's targeted. She's just ignored. She's picky about her friend group. She has no friends. Are you a real person? If so, time for some real specifics. If not, I'm out of this thread.

Sorry if I haven’t been clear.

She does not have friends. She is left out of parties, invitations, etc, even when her whole class is invited (small private school). She is left out of group projects, etc. I said she was “picky” because she doesn’t like the kids in her class.

How committed are you to private school? You might want to research graduation requirements for your state to plan out a move over to public starting this summer. What has your DD got to lose?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Different poster here.

Have you spoken with her advisor? If not, I would have a frank conversation with this person and say, "hey, I'm really worried about XX. She says she goes through entire days without speaking to anyone. She comes home crying most days. What are you seeing? Do you think it's just bad luck with friends or do you suspect something more?"

Frankly, if this was my child i would have done this months ago. This is what advisors are there for in private schools (and counselors in public schools).

Previous poster again---I know that at our school the advisor would dig around and talk to all my kid's teachers and get back to me. When my high school son was struggling with some ADHD issues (academic) she spoke to all 5 of his teachers within a few days which was so helpful for me (as the parent who had no idea what was actually going on in schoo).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Different poster here.

Have you spoken with her advisor? If not, I would have a frank conversation with this person and say, "hey, I'm really worried about XX. She says she goes through entire days without speaking to anyone. She comes home crying most days. What are you seeing? Do you think it's just bad luck with friends or do you suspect something more?"

Frankly, if this was my child i would have done this months ago. This is what advisors are there for in private schools (and counselors in public schools).

There is no counselor/advisor but we talked to her teacher, who said DD was “perfectly fine”…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she trying to be friends with the wrong people and taking it all to heart thinking nobody likes her at all? I see this sometimes.

She is pretty picky with her friend group, but she generally tries to be nice to everyone…

Could this be her problem OP? She's 17 and she has a fair weather group of friends. If she's picky, does this mean she's overly investing in her current group and not trying to branch out?

Friend groups continue to form and change through 12th grade.

Maybe my question made it seem like she has a friend group. She doesn’t- she does not have a single friend or acquaintance. I’m pretty sure she goes most days without speaking to a person.

Ok thanks OP. Your answers are all over the place. She's targeted. She's just ignored. She's picky about her friend group. She has no friends. Are you a real person? If so, time for some real specifics. If not, I'm out of this thread.

Sorry if I haven’t been clear.

She does not have friends. She is left out of parties, invitations, etc, even when her whole class is invited (small private school). She is left out of group projects, etc. I said she was “picky” because she doesn’t like the kids in her class.

If this is a small private school, call the counselor. They can help, or at least let you know what they think is going on.

A call to a counselor about a problem that started possibly five years ago isn't going to yield much help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s not smart or dumb, good or bad looking, she’s not autistic or special needs, and she has normal interests. Why is she excluded from everything? Not bullied, but no one talks to her and they avoid her like the plague. She comes home crying every day.

Oh hey, you're an ableist jerk. My kid w/ autism has friends and isn't excluded.

[Anonymous]

Maybe switch to public school.

And "picky about her friends" probably reads as snobby, even if you know she isn't. I'm sorry you're going through this, but I think a fresh start is probably the only thing that will fix it.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry OP. My DD is similar and I also don’t really know why or how to help her. We have never gotten concrete feedback on what she is doing wrong and how to “fix” it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s not smart or dumb, good or bad looking, she’s not autistic or special needs, and she has normal interests. Why is she excluded from everything? Not bullied, but no one talks to her and they avoid her like the plague. She comes home crying every day.

Oh hey, you're an ableist jerk. My kid w/ autism has friends and isn't excluded.

Calm down. Everyone knows that kids can be especially cruel to children perceived as “different”. No one’s attacking you or your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP. This is so hard to deal with as a parent, and it is hard to know what to do to help. I have a similar issue with my 14yo son- super average looking (nothing unusual or that would stand out), plays a HS sport, nice kid, on the quiet side. He actually does have a few friends but most other kids actively dislike him- especially boys- and I have never been able to figure out why. Kids actually come up to his close in age siblings or say in front of them “ugh your brother is so annoying” “I hate your brother” etc. I think he is a late bloomer who lacks confidence and seems “socially younger” which is a big part of it. Both of his siblings report that he is nice (not secretly being mean or anything) nor have I ever heard anyone complain that he is. It is a bit of a mystery.

At this point I’m assuming HS will be socially blah, and hoping he comes into his own in college.

Probably lack of boundaries and personal space. Interrupts conversation. Doesn't follow social cues when someone isn't interested in talking more (this is so important, I see this with adults too....you can be any type of personality but if you know when to back off, most people will like you well enough....but if you keep talking about won't let them leave the conversation when its clear you want to be done, people will literally avoid talking to you because they don't want to have to be put in that position to extrapolate themselves. You feel trapped!).

That sounds like… you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will also add that if she's a junior, her very best chance of making some friends senior year will be the first 2 weeks of school next year. If she can find herself adopted by an extrovert who knows a lot of people, sometimes those people are the best for people like your daughter.

This. My very introverted dd has extroverted friends (and sister) that has helped her socially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s not smart or dumb, good or bad looking, she’s not autistic or special needs, and she has normal interests. Why is she excluded from everything? Not bullied, but no one talks to her and they avoid her like the plague. She comes home crying every day.

Oh hey, you're an ableist jerk. My kid w/ autism has friends and isn't excluded.

Calm down. Everyone knows that kids can be especially cruel to children perceived as “different”. No one’s attacking you or your kid.

+1 my autistic child does have trouble making friends, not uncommon.

[Anonymous]

You’ve gotten a lot of helpful responses but are you sure it isn’t just plain old social anxiety? I have had it my whole life, and so does one of my DC. I have difficulty with “small talk” socialization and can come across as very awkward (people sense this and it makes them uncomfortable) and from there- turning acquaintances into friends. That said, I have always had a few friends. What works for me (and for my DC with social anxiety) is making a friend through shared experiences that naturally provide things to talk about (whether it is a sport or extracurricular activity, pairing up in a class with more socialization like PE or art, living next door to someone in a college dorm, seeing another parent weekly at a kid class and both being stuck waiting around etc). Often one friend leads to more- as people have said, I have sometimes been luckily “adopted” by a super extroverted friend. Sometimes they seem drawn to a quieter friend, I have found. Opposite attract maybe?

At such a small school, any of this has to be pretty impossible to do, TBH. They have all know each other for years and probably already think of your DD in a certain way. Can you send to whatever public HS you are zoned for? Surely you don’t have much to lose? Kids are more likely to come and go (unlikely she’d be the only new kid) and IME at a large high school not all of the kids know each other very well even as upperclassmen. Neither of my high schoolers knows the name of every kid in their grade- most they’d recognize by sight but not all. Maybe a fresh start? Not sure what activities she has tried but she could sign up for a new activity (yearbook, drama, track or cross country etc).

It could really just be that she is socially anxious and has never had the opportunity to work through it at such a small school with such a steady/small peer group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’ve gotten a lot of helpful responses but are you sure it isn’t just plain old social anxiety? I have had it my whole life, and so does one of my DC. I have difficulty with “small talk” socialization and can come across as very awkward (people sense this and it makes them uncomfortable) and from there- turning acquaintances into friends. That said, I have always had a few friends. What works for me (and for my DC with social anxiety) is making a friend through shared experiences that naturally provide things to talk about (whether it is a sport or extracurricular activity, pairing up in a class with more socialization like PE or art, living next door to someone in a college dorm, seeing another parent weekly at a kid class and both being stuck waiting around etc). Often one friend leads to more- as people have said, I have sometimes been luckily “adopted” by a super extroverted friend. Sometimes they seem drawn to a quieter friend, I have found. Opposite attract maybe?

At such a small school, any of this has to be pretty impossible to do, TBH. They have all know each other for years and probably already think of your DD in a certain way. Can you send to whatever public HS you are zoned for? Surely you don’t have much to lose? Kids are more likely to come and go (unlikely she’d be the only new kid) and IME at a large high school not all of the kids know each other very well even as upperclassmen. Neither of my high schoolers knows the name of every kid in their grade- most they’d recognize by sight but not all. Maybe a fresh start? Not sure what activities she has tried but she could sign up for a new activity (yearbook, drama, track or cross country etc).

It could really just be that she is socially anxious and has never had the opportunity to work through it at such a small school with such a steady/small peer group.

I agree. It’s probably anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You think a bunch of strangers on an anonymous forum are going to be able to tell you, with the scant details you've provided which are incredibly subjective, are going to be able to tell you in a meaningful way why your daughter doesn't have friends?

Are you okay? Are you seeking a therapist yet? If not, do so expeditiously.

Everyone hates people like you....I'm sure you know this.