Mom antidepressant use linked to having less help from parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i have been confused for a while by this notion that boomer parents have of like - your kids, we have zero responsibility to help.

Like - ok you CAN take that pov, but then why did you have kids if you only wanted to help them for 18 years?

I have been very confused for a while by this notion that millennial kids are owed a support for life, and the only reason for their parents’ existence is to provide that support. Why did you have kids if you can’t manage being a parent?

Multi-generational help is not a new concept. And something that’s still practiced by many traditional cultures around the world. What IS new is grandparents refusing to help out or be involved with their grandkids lives in a meaningful way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I chose to move to Fairfax County near my parents and it’s my #1 parenting hack.

I moved close to my parents. They were healthy and refused to help in any way, even when I was hospitalized, even for an hour for an emergency. They pushed me to have kids and if they see them 1-2 times a year for a few hours, that's all they will allocate.

And, yet, now that they are older they expect me to help.. nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL was young and not working when we had our twins but her help had strings attached. Basically if she helped us the our twins, then we owed her to ‘take care of her’ when she got old and was no longer independent!

Yeah, that’s kind of how it’s supposed to work. My dad jokes with my kids “I changed your diapers, and someday you can help change my diapers”.

Sorry I’m not changing my MIL’s diapers because she came to visit to help with the kids when they were little!

And here it is - why the older generation isn’t biting. They know it’s not going to be reciprocated.

[Anonymous]

It's weird to me this became a thread about attacking generations. This doesn't feel like a generational issue. It's family to family. My Boomer parents had ZERO help from their parents, and honestly could have used it. I know plenty of Boomer parents who help a lot. It's not generational.

I also think everyone is assuming "help" means direct childcare. Yes that can obviously be nice but I think there are many ways families can support one another.

We're talking about mothers who are on antidepressants. I can think of dozens of things parents could do to support a person struggling with mental health other than babysitting her kids. Being a good listener. Offer encouragement and moral support. Also even childcare doesn't have to mean being Nanny Grandma. It could mean keeping an eye on the kids while Mom makes dinner, or just developing a relationship with the kids so that mom and dad are not the only adults invested in them as people. Financial support can help to, and it doesn't have to be tons of money either-- it could be a couple 20s tucked in a hand to order pizza once in a while during the lean years when day care costs eat up all your disposable income.

I struggled with mental health when my DD was very young and I didn't wish, or expect, anyone would just come change her diapers or watch her while I went to dinner. I just wished I had felt supported in any way by my parents or ILs. They were mostly absent, and when they were present they were critical or indifferent. It absolutely impacted my mental well being. Both my DH and I felt abandoned by our families during that time. It was very hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I chose to move to Fairfax County near my parents and it’s my #1 parenting hack.

I moved close to my parents. They were healthy and refused to help in any way, even when I was hospitalized, even for an hour for an emergency. They pushed me to have kids and if they see them 1-2 times a year for a few hours, that's all they will allocate.

And, yet, now that they are older they expect me to help.. nope.

How can anyone be "pushed" to have children? You choose to have children when, and only when, you can afford to take care of them by yourself. From your post, it's easy to understand why they spend so little time with you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's weird to me this became a thread about attacking generations. This doesn't feel like a generational issue. It's family to family. My Boomer parents had ZERO help from their parents, and honestly could have used it. I know plenty of Boomer parents who help a lot. It's not generational.

I also think everyone is assuming "help" means direct childcare. Yes that can obviously be nice but I think there are many ways families can support one another.

We're talking about mothers who are on antidepressants. I can think of dozens of things parents could do to support a person struggling with mental health other than babysitting her kids. Being a good listener. Offer encouragement and moral support. Also even childcare doesn't have to mean being Nanny Grandma. It could mean keeping an eye on the kids while Mom makes dinner, or just developing a relationship with the kids so that mom and dad are not the only adults invested in them as people. Financial support can help to, and it doesn't have to be tons of money either-- it could be a couple 20s tucked in a hand to order pizza once in a while during the lean years when day care costs eat up all your disposable income.

I struggled with mental health when my DD was very young and I didn't wish, or expect, anyone would just come change her diapers or watch her while I went to dinner. I just wished I had felt supported in any way by my parents or ILs. They were mostly absent, and when they were present they were critical or indifferent. It absolutely impacted my mental well being. Both my DH and I felt abandoned by our families during that time. It was very hard.

Oh, puleez! I am so sick of hearing about all your mental health problems. Get over yourselves! Life is hard and unfair and owes you nothing. You have a husband to listen to your woes and if you were diagnosed with PPD there is professional help. People, including your family and friends, also have problems, but we are adults and we don't burden everyone else with "My mental health is so bad that I need help changing a diaper or if I could just take five minutes to myself but nobody is helping me. Boo hoo.". Stop whining and do what needs to be done. Put your baby in a safe place and eat your dinner while it is hot.

Maybe someone in your family is dealing with a devastating medical diagnosis and your whiny problems are not life and death.

You are the best educated and wealthiest generation of women ever but you are also the most helpless, entitled, self-centered, self-consumed, pain-in-the a$$ women of all time! Grow up!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:not at all shocking

https://www.cnn.com/2024/02/16/health/grandparents-mother-depression-study-wellness/index.html

You, and only you, are responsible for your children. Help from family or friends is up to them and you should never expect full time child care or full time maids or cooks. Your house and your responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:not at all shocking

https://www.cnn.com/2024/02/16/health/grandparents-mother-depression-study-wellness/index.html

"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it." Groucho Marx

Try it and you will change your life!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL was young and not working when we had our twins but her help had strings attached. Basically if she helped us the our twins, then we owed her to ‘take care of her’ when she got old and was no longer independent!

Yeah, that’s kind of how it’s supposed to work. My dad jokes with my kids “I changed your diapers, and someday you can help change my diapers”.

Sorry I’m not changing my MIL’s diapers because she came to visit to help with the kids when they were little!

And here it is - why the older generation isn’t biting. They know it’s not going to be reciprocated.

"The older generation" (Boomers) didn't change their parents diapers either-at least my parents and inlaws didn't. They DID receive lots of help from their (greatest generation) parents though-again, the ones in my life did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's weird to me this became a thread about attacking generations. This doesn't feel like a generational issue. It's family to family. My Boomer parents had ZERO help from their parents, and honestly could have used it. I know plenty of Boomer parents who help a lot. It's not generational.

I also think everyone is assuming "help" means direct childcare. Yes that can obviously be nice but I think there are many ways families can support one another.

We're talking about mothers who are on antidepressants. I can think of dozens of things parents could do to support a person struggling with mental health other than babysitting her kids. Being a good listener. Offer encouragement and moral support. Also even childcare doesn't have to mean being Nanny Grandma. It could mean keeping an eye on the kids while Mom makes dinner, or just developing a relationship with the kids so that mom and dad are not the only adults invested in them as people. Financial support can help to, and it doesn't have to be tons of money either-- it could be a couple 20s tucked in a hand to order pizza once in a while during the lean years when day care costs eat up all your disposable income.

I struggled with mental health when my DD was very young and I didn't wish, or expect, anyone would just come change her diapers or watch her while I went to dinner. I just wished I had felt supported in any way by my parents or ILs. They were mostly absent, and when they were present they were critical or indifferent. It absolutely impacted my mental well being. Both my DH and I felt abandoned by our families during that time. It was very hard.

I agree with all that, but my boomer parents didn't provide any of that type of help when my kids were young either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's weird to me this became a thread about attacking generations. This doesn't feel like a generational issue. It's family to family. My Boomer parents had ZERO help from their parents, and honestly could have used it. I know plenty of Boomer parents who help a lot. It's not generational.

I also think everyone is assuming "help" means direct childcare. Yes that can obviously be nice but I think there are many ways families can support one another.

We're talking about mothers who are on antidepressants. I can think of dozens of things parents could do to support a person struggling with mental health other than babysitting her kids. Being a good listener. Offer encouragement and moral support. Also even childcare doesn't have to mean being Nanny Grandma. It could mean keeping an eye on the kids while Mom makes dinner, or just developing a relationship with the kids so that mom and dad are not the only adults invested in them as people. Financial support can help to, and it doesn't have to be tons of money either-- it could be a couple 20s tucked in a hand to order pizza once in a while during the lean years when day care costs eat up all your disposable income.

I struggled with mental health when my DD was very young and I didn't wish, or expect, anyone would just come change her diapers or watch her while I went to dinner. I just wished I had felt supported in any way by my parents or ILs. They were mostly absent, and when they were present they were critical or indifferent. It absolutely impacted my mental well being. Both my DH and I felt abandoned by our families during that time. It was very hard.

Oh, puleez! I am so sick of hearing about all your mental health problems. Get over yourselves! Life is hard and unfair and owes you nothing. You have a husband to listen to your woes and if you were diagnosed with PPD there is professional help. People, including your family and friends, also have problems, but we are adults and we don't burden everyone else with "My mental health is so bad that I need help changing a diaper or if I could just take five minutes to myself but nobody is helping me. Boo hoo.". Stop whining and do what needs to be done. Put your baby in a safe place and eat your dinner while it is hot.

Maybe someone in your family is dealing with a devastating medical diagnosis and your whiny problems are not life and death.

You are the best educated and wealthiest generation of women ever but you are also the most helpless, entitled, self-centered, self-consumed, pain-in-the a$$ women of all time! Grow up!!!

+1

Since the sexual revolution having children, and when to have them, is seen as a choice, 100% on the part of the woman. The woman didn't ask her mom, dad, in laws, brothers, sisters, when to have a baby, so it is a risk to assume any of these people will be invested or even care about your child rearing. Maybe it was a great time for you to have a kid, but maybe you did it at a time in which your mom wanted to focus on getting her mental health together in mid life and recover from her years of csregiving. They care about you, but it can be exhausting to be told to have great emotions about s choice you were not consulted on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i have been confused for a while by this notion that boomer parents have of like - your kids, we have zero responsibility to help.

Like - ok you CAN take that pov, but then why did you have kids if you only wanted to help them for 18 years?

I have been very confused for a while by this notion that millennial kids are owed a support for life, and the only reason for their parents’ existence is to provide that support. Why did you have kids if you can’t manage being a parent?

Multi-generational help is not a new concept. And something that’s still practiced by many traditional cultures around the world. What IS new is grandparents refusing to help out or be involved with their grandkids lives in a meaningful way.

Moving around to different places affects this considerably. Movement is much more likely now, but it has been around. My paternal grandparents (born in 1905), did not have family help because of this. My parents (born in 1929 and 31) did not have family help because of this. My DH and I (1960 and 1964, did not have family help because of this. My children (born 97 & 99) are unlikely to have children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL was young and not working when we had our twins but her help had strings attached. Basically if she helped us the our twins, then we owed her to ‘take care of her’ when she got old and was no longer independent!

Yeah, that’s kind of how it’s supposed to work. My dad jokes with my kids “I changed your diapers, and someday you can help change my diapers”.

Sorry I’m not changing my MIL’s diapers because she came to visit to help with the kids when they were little!

And here it is - why the older generation isn’t biting. They know it’s not going to be reciprocated.

"The older generation" (Boomers) didn't change their parents diapers either-at least my parents and inlaws didn't. They DID receive lots of help from their (greatest generation) parents though-again, the ones in my life did.

Times change. Bread was once 0.5¢ a loaf and now it a averages $5.00 a loaf. Up until the 1950's most women stayed home after they had children. Grandmothers lived in the same town. This is not today. Most women work until retirement age and they don't retire from raising their children as well as working outside the home so they can take ten steps backward to be your free help in whatever you need. Get used to it because this is life in 2024.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i have been confused for a while by this notion that boomer parents have of like - your kids, we have zero responsibility to help.

Like - ok you CAN take that pov, but then why did you have kids if you only wanted to help them for 18 years?

I have been very confused for a while by this notion that millennial kids are owed a support for life, and the only reason for their parents’ existence is to provide that support. Why did you have kids if you can’t manage being a parent?

Multi-generational help is not a new concept. And something that’s still practiced by many traditional cultures around the world. What IS new is grandparents refusing to help out or be involved with their grandkids lives in a meaningful way.

Moving around to different places affects this considerably. Movement is much more likely now, but it has been around. My paternal grandparents (born in 1905), did not have family help because of this. My parents (born in 1929 and 31) did not have family help because of this. My DH and I (1960 and 1964, did not have family help because of this. My children (born 97 & 99) are unlikely to have children.

+1 my parents and IL’s would love to be more involved in the day to day and in their grandkids lives. No, they would likely not provide anything close to full time child care and that is ok. But just involvement - coming over or having people over for family dinners, going to church together, watching the kids for a date night or when both parents are sick - yes absolutely! But economic opportunities were limited where both my husband and I grew up, in two different Midwestern areas. So we both left. Likewise, the DC area is too pricey for retirees, so the grandparents all stayed (and my parents, at least, provide some care and help to my uncle/father’s brother). It’s unfortunate, but career prospects are limited in many areas of the country, so you really have no other choice but to leave and go where the jobs are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i have been confused for a while by this notion that boomer parents have of like - your kids, we have zero responsibility to help.

Like - ok you CAN take that pov, but then why did you have kids if you only wanted to help them for 18 years?

The kids also have to help the parents. Not when they are 80 years old, but from the time the kids become able to help. The adult children need to help the middle aged parents with cooking, cleaning, maintenance etc when they visit. It means that they spring for dinners, pitch in for financial help etc.

But, what I see is utterly selfish and A-hole children who want to have the lifestyle and finances of their parents - without working hard to earn it themselves. They are jealous of the boomer or gen-x wealth today, but they forget that this wealth is earned and saved over decades.

Yes, we can help our own children to launch into adulthood. We are however not responsible if these launched adults want to get married and have children. We are not responsible for raising our grandkids. So, if you cannot be an adult and raise your own children, then keep your legs closed.