Mom antidepressant use linked to having less help from parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I chose to move to Fairfax County near my parents and it’s my #1 parenting hack.

How is that a "hack?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL was young and not working when we had our twins but her help had strings attached. Basically if she helped us the our twins, then we owed her to ‘take care of her’ when she got old and was no longer independent!

Dude. That’s the way it works in multi-generational households.

Grandma lives with you and helps with your little kids, then as they become older and need less hands-on care, the kids can help with household stuff, including taking care of grandma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I chose to move to Fairfax County near my parents and it’s my #1 parenting hack.

This. I feel badly for those who want to live near family but can’t do so for work or financial reasons. But obviously if one chooses to move away- how much help from grandparents can you be expecting, really?

We live across the country from both of our families, and knew upfront that of course there would not be any regular grandparent help when our kids were small. They will babysit for an evening when we are “home” visiting but that is about it. It is what it is.

It's not just about living near family. Many grandparents refuse to help at all--even if they live next door.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the window for “grandparent help” is small these days…they have to be old enough not to be working FT yet young enough to be capable kwim?

In our case, my parents were still young enough to be working FT when my kids were small- and DH’s were quite elderly already and not up to helping care for small kids.

Both sets of our parents had a lot of help- but the grandmothers did not work, and were younger.

This is what we have on both sides. Grandparents are not actually that elderly but there's health conditions in both cases. We can't just have grandparents take kids for a weekend or week like many of our friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Selfish boomers hurting their kids financially and mentally

Does the Boomer hater have to take over every thread?

Sometimes it’s simply doing the math. In general, many people are older when they retire than prior generations. Many people are starting families later than prior generations and many families don’t live near any of the grandparents. Being able to help out as grandparents in your 50’s or 60’s vs late 70’s and 80’s is not a true comparison.

[Anonymous]

Every time I read one of these whiny, eye-rolling millennial threads, I so thank the stars that I was born a GenXer and know how to function in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every time I read one of these whiny, eye-rolling millennial threads, I so thank the stars that I was born a GenXer and know how to function in life.

DH is the Xer in my marriage. He's also the one with the highest expectations for how much the grandparents are supposed to be stepping in. Generational stereotypes are some of the least useful stereotypes out there.

[Anonymous]

My mom was the best, most hands on grandma. She moved close and did so much for us. Sadly she passed away soon after my second was born.

My MIL was older, though in excellent health. I didn't expect much help from her, but I also did not anticipate her apathy when we visited. There was a period of 3 years when the kids were both very small. We'd drive to her and visit for all the holidays, and receive next to nothing when it comes to support. It's so disheartening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL was young and not working when we had our twins but her help had strings attached. Basically if she helped us the our twins, then we owed her to ‘take care of her’ when she got old and was no longer independent!

Yeah, that’s kind of how it’s supposed to work. My dad jokes with my kids “I changed your diapers, and someday you can help change my diapers”.

Sorry I’m not changing my MIL’s diapers because she came to visit to help with the kids when they were little!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous[b wrote:]not at all shocking

https://www.cnn.com/2024/02/16/health/grandparents-mother-depression-study-wellness/index.html

[/b]


OMG. So we can BLAME EVERYONE for our inadequacies? What every happened to "be better; do it; learn; sacrifice for your children., etc."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous[b wrote:]not at all shocking

https://www.cnn.com/2024/02/16/health/grandparents-mother-depression-study-wellness/index.html

[/b]


OMG. So we can BLAME EVERYONE for our inadequacies? What every happened to "be better; do it; learn; sacrifice for your children., etc."

Some of all that is good.

And some of it is 100% unrealistic.

Look at parenting throughout distant history. The way we do it now is really different than the way it was done for a very long time. As recently as 19th century England moms were kicking their 2 year olds outside to run with the neighborhood pack and basically only directly supervised their young toddlers and babies during the day (while they, admittedly, did a lot of very hands-on work to keep the household running). Standards for cleanliness were much lower before machines for cleaning. People had lots of kids because kids helped the family economy within several years, whereas today a kid will literally never help your family's financial status.

[Anonymous]

I'm not surprised. I had a really hard time as a mom with no family help. It's so odd because both dh and I had amazing, very involved grandparents who did so much with us. My in-laws are detached and never cared to help at all, and my parents have helped just very minimally. It's just weird to me they had so much help with their kids but didn't think to pass it on to their own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every time I read one of these whiny, eye-rolling millennial threads, I so thank the stars that I was born a GenXer and know how to function in life.

What does that mean? That you rejected parental help or didn't have it? I think the "whiny" millenials know how to function and knew how to function very early on in life due to not having help...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Selfish boomers hurting their kids financially and mentally

Does the Boomer hater have to take over every thread?

Sometimes it’s simply doing the math. In general, many people are older when they retire than prior generations. Many people are starting families later than prior generations and many families don’t live near any of the grandparents. Being able to help out as grandparents in your 50’s or 60’s vs late 70’s and 80’s is not a true comparison.

I had my kids when my in-laws and parents were in their early 50s. They did not help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i have been confused for a while by this notion that boomer parents have of like - your kids, we have zero responsibility to help.

Like - ok you CAN take that pov, but then why did you have kids if you only wanted to help them for 18 years?

I have been very confused for a while by this notion that millennial kids are owed a support for life, and the only reason for their parents’ existence is to provide that support. Why did you have kids if you can’t manage being a parent?

Exactly, are these millennials going to be jumping in to help their own kids when they have children?

I absolutely will help my kids. I want to be an involved grandma and have a loving relationship the way I had a loving relationship with my grandparents. I'd be missing out otherwise. Dh and I managed just fine raising our kids on our own (and I don't see how occasional babysitting some people do have is considered "not managing"...) but having good bonds with grandparents is life-enriching. I am sad my kids never had that.