Mom antidepressant use linked to having less help from parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i have been confused for a while by this notion that boomer parents have of like - your kids, we have zero responsibility to help.

Like - ok you CAN take that pov, but then why did you have kids if you only wanted to help them for 18 years?

You rear and educate your children to be independent and this means if you are old enough to decide to have children then you should be financially responsible enough to afford them. This means that if you are not going to stay at home with them then you should have the financial resources to pay for their needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i have been confused for a while by this notion that boomer parents have of like - your kids, we have zero responsibility to help.

Like - ok you CAN take that pov, but then why did you have kids if you only wanted to help them for 18 years?

How old were your parents when you had kids?

65.

Few people would hire a 65 for year old nanny but you would expect your 65 year old mother to give you free childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL was young and not working when we had our twins but her help had strings attached. Basically if she helped us the our twins, then we owed her to ‘take care of her’ when she got old and was no longer independent!

Fair is fair and I hope she got it in writing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL was young and not working when we had our twins but her help had strings attached. Basically if she helped us the our twins, then we owed her to ‘take care of her’ when she got old and was no longer independent!

Yeah, that’s kind of how it’s supposed to work. My dad jokes with my kids “I changed your diapers, and someday you can help change my diapers”.

Sorry I’m not changing my MIL’s diapers because she came to visit to help with the kids when they were little!

All take and no give, this tracks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every time I read one of these whiny, eye-rolling millennial threads, I so thank the stars that I was born a GenXer and know how to function in life.

What does that mean? That you rejected parental help or didn't have it? I think the "whiny" millenials know how to function and knew how to function very early on in life due to not having help...

Millennials, the most coddled helicoptered generation, now wants to pretend they had no help? That's amazing.

[Anonymous]

If I give you free help then I do what I want. If you want your way done then hire help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I chose to move to Fairfax County near my parents and it’s my #1 parenting hack.

You’re lucky your parents live somewhere near job centers and that is a good place to raise a family. My parents chose to retire in a rural/quasi exurban area of a red state with horrible public schools. Wish they hadn’t moved away to there, but it’s what they chose for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i have been confused for a while by this notion that boomer parents have of like - your kids, we have zero responsibility to help.

Like - ok you CAN take that pov, but then why did you have kids if you only wanted to help them for 18 years?

I have been very confused for a while by this notion that millennial kids are owed a support for life, and the only reason for their parents’ existence is to provide that support. Why did you have kids if you can’t manage being a parent?

Exactly, are these millennials going to be jumping in to help their own kids when they have children?

Millennial here and 100% yes because I know how hard it is to raise kids without family help. And if I can’t physically help for whatever reason I will send money to help with childcare, college funds, etc.

[Anonymous]

I'm an older mom and with people getting married later, I'll either be pretty old if my DD has kids or maybe dead.

I was thinking about leaving a larger sum for my DD just so she can hire whatever help she needs (i.e. night nurse, baby sitting, house cleaners, etc.) During the postpartum period. I had a pretty disastrous time and I'd like to help her even if I can't physically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I chose to move to Fairfax County near my parents and it’s my #1 parenting hack.

You’re lucky your parents live somewhere near job centers and that is a good place to raise a family. My parents chose to retire in a rural/quasi exurban area of a red state with horrible public schools. Wish they hadn’t moved away to there, but it’s what they chose for themselves.

Did you tell them you wanted to have kids some day and wanted them to stay nearby? Because parents expressing any regret that their adult children may not have kids or that they wished they would be grandparents are eaten alive here. Apparently you are not to expect or hope for such a thing. My kids are still young, but I find this interesting to know for the time when my kids are grown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When not helping is a choice, yeah, it definitely stings.

I've had acquaintances who, when my baby fussed while I was wrangling a toddler and thus cannot tend to baby, would drop what they were doing and lend a hand at distracting the baby. We've all had moments like that, and the extra hand is so appreciated.

Contrast that to my MIL who'd watch me struggle with the baby and toddler and not lift a finger. It's definitely a choice. Forget babysitting, just the basic decent thing that a person can do for a parent who's having a challenging moment. If she'd said, here, let me hold the baby for 5 minutes so you can get a bite while your food is still warm, I'd have wept with gratitude.

Did you ever open your mouth to ask her to hold the baby or you just prefer to whine. Maybe she didn't help because you criticized everything she did.

A young couple lived on our street and they had a 3 year old and she was pregnant. The same week she came home from hospital, I prepared a simple, but complete dinner--rotisserie chicken, broccoli (prepared and ready to cook in microwave), salad, French bread (buttered and wrapped in aluminum foil) and a pint of strawberry Haagen Das and delivered it to them. It was refused because the
broccoli and salad were not organic. I never offered to help her again. She was equally rude to two other neighbors. Maybe it's your fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I chose to move to Fairfax County near my parents and it’s my #1 parenting hack.

Opposite. My favorite hack is that my parents moved to my neighborhood. They were upset we weren’t having kids. I said we’d have kids if you move here. They did move immediately and we had three kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When not helping is a choice, yeah, it definitely stings.

I've had acquaintances who, when my baby fussed while I was wrangling a toddler and thus cannot tend to baby, would drop what they were doing and lend a hand at distracting the baby. We've all had moments like that, and the extra hand is so appreciated.

Contrast that to my MIL who'd watch me struggle with the baby and toddler and not lift a finger. It's definitely a choice. Forget babysitting, just the basic decent thing that a person can do for a parent who's having a challenging moment. If she'd said, here, let me hold the baby for 5 minutes so you can get a bite while your food is still warm, I'd have wept with gratitude.

Did you ever open your mouth to ask her to hold the baby or you just prefer to whine. Maybe she didn't help because you criticized everything she did.

A young couple lived on our street and they had a 3 year old and she was pregnant. The same week she came home from hospital, I prepared a simple, but complete dinner--rotisserie chicken, broccoli (prepared and ready to cook in microwave), salad, French bread (buttered and wrapped in aluminum foil) and a pint of strawberry Haagen Das and delivered it to them. It was refused because the
broccoli and salad were not organic. I never offered to help her again. She was equally rude to two other neighbors. Maybe it's your fault.

Np. Who would ask a MIL for help? It’s just so rude to me. Help should be offered and never asked for. I refuse to beg for help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i have been confused for a while by this notion that boomer parents have of like - your kids, we have zero responsibility to help.

Like - ok you CAN take that pov, but then why did you have kids if you only wanted to help them for 18 years?

You rear and educate your children to be independent and this means if you are old enough to decide to have children then you should be financially responsible enough to afford them. This means that if you are not going to stay at home with them then you should have the financial resources to pay for their needs.

This is typical boomer

[Anonymous]

My mom and MIL both died young of cancers, but I like to think they would have been very helpful and hands on as they both had very traditional values. My mom probably would have gotten on my nerves and I don't know if I would have appreciated her help as much as I should in this hypothetical as I was always annoyed by her assistance (I was an adolescent when she passed). My daughters are all young, but I hope to help them out one day, and I hope they help each other as well. If I am still working when they have kids, hopefully I'll have enough tenure and seniority to take plenty of time off.