Mom antidepressant use linked to having less help from parents

[Anonymous]

I will be very happy to help my ACs. It will require us to buy a huge home together with equal amount of contribution and work out the details of responsibility, respect, rules and roles in a way that no one is taken advantage of.

Frankly, I do not want to take that risk and become vulnerable and dependent to my kids.Why? There is no societal norm for multi-generational joint families in this society. This is a selfish society.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i have been confused for a while by this notion that boomer parents have of like - your kids, we have zero responsibility to help.

Like - ok you CAN take that pov, but then why did you have kids if you only wanted to help them for 18 years?

I have been very confused for a while by this notion that millennial kids are owed a support for life, and the only reason for their parents’ existence is to provide that support. Why did you have kids if you can’t manage being a parent?

Multi-generational help is not a new concept. And something that’s still practiced by many traditional cultures around the world. What IS new is grandparents refusing to help out or be involved with their grandkids lives in a meaningful way.

PP. Do tell me about multi-generational stuff - I am an immigrant and I am very familiar with it, the good and the bad. I can assure you that help never flows in only one direction - before your parents contribute to raising your children, you are expected to pitch in helping them deal with your grandparents or great grandparents. How do you like to skip your weekly brunch because there is no one to watch over the grandma?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i have been confused for a while by this notion that boomer parents have of like - your kids, we have zero responsibility to help.

Like - ok you CAN take that pov, but then why did you have kids if you only wanted to help them for 18 years?

How old were your parents when you had kids?

It’s the Gen X or whatever who have been having babies much later than other generations that will have it tough. If you have a baby at 40 years old and then your child has a baby at 35 years old the grandmother would be 75 already.

[Anonymous]

I have very involved parents and it's wonderful. But I've also seen my friends struggle and complain that their parents don't help but every time the parents have tried all the friends do is complain about how the grandparents took care of the kids: they let this one watch TV before 5 PM, the baby wasn't held enough, the snacks weren't organic...loosen up and maybe people will want to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i have been confused for a while by this notion that boomer parents have of like - your kids, we have zero responsibility to help.

Like - ok you CAN take that pov, but then why did you have kids if you only wanted to help them for 18 years?

How old were your parents when you had kids?

It’s the Gen X or whatever who have been having babies much later than other generations that will have it tough. If you have a baby at 40 years old and then your child has a baby at 35 years old the grandmother would be 75 already.

Different poster here.
I am Gen X (born in 75) and had my first kid at 24. My mom was 51 when my baby (her first grandchild) was born.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i have been confused for a while by this notion that boomer parents have of like - your kids, we have zero responsibility to help.

Like - ok you CAN take that pov, but then why did you have kids if you only wanted to help them for 18 years?

How old were your parents when you had kids?

It’s the Gen X or whatever who have been having babies much later than other generations that will have it tough. If you have a baby at 40 years old and then your child has a baby at 35 years old the grandmother would be 75 already.

Gen Xer who grew up in DC area. In my social group most of our parents were in late 50’s to early 60’s when we had our first kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the window for “grandparent help” is small these days…they have to be old enough not to be working FT yet young enough to be capable kwim?

In our case, my parents were still young enough to be working FT when my kids were small- and DH’s were quite elderly already and not up to helping care for small kids.

Both sets of our parents had a lot of help- but the grandmothers did not work, and were younger.

Our parents have been great. Ours retired in their 60s (pensions), my mom at 58. They're in shape physically and mentally. Yes, we had our 1st when I was 27 so a teen mom by DC standards. My parents and in-laws are much more helpful and WANTING to be around than mine were, aside from 1 week in the summer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i have been confused for a while by this notion that boomer parents have of like - your kids, we have zero responsibility to help.

Like - ok you CAN take that pov, but then why did you have kids if you only wanted to help them for 18 years?

How old were your parents when you had kids?

It’s the Gen X or whatever who have been having babies much later than other generations that will have it tough. If you have a baby at 40 years old and then your child has a baby at 35 years old the grandmother would be 75 already.

Different poster here.
I am Gen X (born in 75) and had my first kid at 24. My mom was 51 when my baby (her first grandchild) was born.

Nope. I was 27 with my oldest. Same with nearly everyone one I know from college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i have been confused for a while by this notion that boomer parents have of like - your kids, we have zero responsibility to help.

Like - ok you CAN take that pov, but then why did you have kids if you only wanted to help them for 18 years?

I have been very confused for a while by this notion that millennial kids are owed a support for life, and the only reason for their parents’ existence is to provide that support. Why did you have kids if you can’t manage being a parent?

Exactly, are these millennials going to be jumping in to help their own kids when they have children?

NP but hell yeah. I plan to retire early and help with my grandkids. If they move out of the DMV I will buy a second residence where they are. We are lucky in finances and hopefully health will cooperate (that’s the one wild card) My parents help me so much and I feel it is my #1 duty to pay it forward. We are Asian fwiw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's weird to me this became a thread about attacking generations. This doesn't feel like a generational issue. It's family to family. My Boomer parents had ZERO help from their parents, and honestly could have used it. I know plenty of Boomer parents who help a lot. It's not generational.

I also think everyone is assuming "help" means direct childcare. Yes that can obviously be nice but I think there are many ways families can support one another.

We're talking about mothers who are on antidepressants. I can think of dozens of things parents could do to support a person struggling with mental health other than babysitting her kids. Being a good listener. Offer encouragement and moral support. Also even childcare doesn't have to mean being Nanny Grandma. It could mean keeping an eye on the kids while Mom makes dinner, or just developing a relationship with the kids so that mom and dad are not the only adults invested in them as people. Financial support can help to, and it doesn't have to be tons of money either-- it could be a couple 20s tucked in a hand to order pizza once in a while during the lean years when day care costs eat up all your disposable income.

I struggled with mental health when my DD was very young and I didn't wish, or expect, anyone would just come change her diapers or watch her while I went to dinner. I just wished I had felt supported in any way by my parents or ILs. They were mostly absent, and when they were present they were critical or indifferent. It absolutely impacted my mental well being. Both my DH and I felt abandoned by our families during that time. It was very hard.

+1. Some Boomer parents help, some are too selfish. Some Millennials are receptive to help, some aren’t help-able because they need everything done just so and have 0 flexibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i have been confused for a while by this notion that boomer parents have of like - your kids, we have zero responsibility to help.

Like - ok you CAN take that pov, but then why did you have kids if you only wanted to help them for 18 years?

How old were your parents when you had kids?

It’s the Gen X or whatever who have been having babies much later than other generations that will have it tough. If you have a baby at 40 years old and then your child has a baby at 35 years old the grandmother would be 75 already.

Different poster here.
I am Gen X (born in 75) and had my first kid at 24. My mom was 51 when my baby (her first grandchild) was born.

Nope. I was 27 with my oldest. Same with nearly everyone one I know from college.

Gen X and me and all my friends were in our 30s. But we had comparatively young parents who were 60ish and able to help even if we had kids later. We'll see how old our kids are but if they were like us we'll be in our late 70s as first time grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i have been confused for a while by this notion that boomer parents have of like - your kids, we have zero responsibility to help.

Like - ok you CAN take that pov, but then why did you have kids if you only wanted to help them for 18 years?

How old were your parents when you had kids?

It’s the Gen X or whatever who have been having babies much later than other generations that will have it tough. If you have a baby at 40 years old and then your child has a baby at 35 years old the grandmother would be 75 already.

We had our first at 28 and my in-laws were 58. Still pretty disinterested beyond wanting posed photos to pretend to their friends that they were involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i have been confused for a while by this notion that boomer parents have of like - your kids, we have zero responsibility to help.

Like - ok you CAN take that pov, but then why did you have kids if you only wanted to help them for 18 years?

How old were your parents when you had kids?

It’s the Gen X or whatever who have been having babies much later than other generations that will have it tough. If you have a baby at 40 years old and then your child has a baby at 35 years old the grandmother would be 75 already.

Different poster here.
I am Gen X (born in 75) and had my first kid at 24. My mom was 51 when my baby (her first grandchild) was born.

Nope. I was 27 with my oldest. Same with nearly everyone one I know from college.

Nope?
I told you what age I was when I had my first kid and you say "nope?" Ok---how old WAS I then? Since you are saying "nope" I wasn't 24?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i have been confused for a while by this notion that boomer parents have of like - your kids, we have zero responsibility to help.

Like - ok you CAN take that pov, but then why did you have kids if you only wanted to help them for 18 years?

I have been very confused for a while by this notion that millennial kids are owed a support for life, and the only reason for their parents’ existence is to provide that support. Why did you have kids if you can’t manage being a parent?

Multi-generational help is not a new concept. And something that’s still practiced by many traditional cultures around the world. What IS new is grandparents refusing to help out or be involved with their grandkids lives in a meaningful way.

PP. Do tell me about multi-generational stuff - I am an immigrant and I am very familiar with it, the good and the bad. I can assure you that help never flows in only one direction - before your parents contribute to raising your children, you are expected to pitch in helping them deal with your grandparents or great grandparents. How do you like to skip your weekly brunch because there is no one to watch over the grandma?

Ok, I am a white American and part of a family who does multigenerational help, and the answer to that is for years and years I wasn’t going to brunch with friends, I was the one hosting a big family brunch every Sunday. Grandma wasn’t being “watched over” she was at my place every Sunday being served an home cooked brunch that I prepared and spending time with her great grand child. (Grandma has since passed away).

This is off topic I guess but I don’t know why immigrants assume no Americans participate in this kind of thing. My family is important to me, I have family help with childcare and as my folks get older I fully expect to assist them. I will be happy to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL was young and not working when we had our twins but her help had strings attached. Basically if she helped us the our twins, then we owed her to ‘take care of her’ when she got old and was no longer independent!

Yeah, that’s kind of how it’s supposed to work. My dad jokes with my kids “I changed your diapers, and someday you can help change my diapers”.

Sorry I’m not changing my MIL’s diapers because she came to visit to help with the kids when they were little!

And here it is - why the older generation isn’t biting. They know it’s not going to be reciprocated.

+1