Obese spouse...I'm tired of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:50 pounds for a guy isn't that bad.

Yes, it is. 50 pounds overweight is bad for anyone.

No. Women can't have bellies men can ad it's a sign of wealth

Are you completely nuts?!

[Anonymous]

Sickness and health, OP. Deal with it. The only person you can control is yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When a spouse has an addiction, to booze, drugs, risky behaviors, sugar, processed food, everyday life feels like watching them play Russian roulette with not only their life but the marriage and family bonds too, and finances as so many have raised.

Whether it's undiagnosed mental illness, trauma, dopamine issues, etc. it all gets avoided by life shortening behaviors.

I know this is taking a toll on all of us who are loved ones.

Having lived with a family member who is 50 lbs overweight (mom) and another family member who was an alcoholic, these are NOT the same thing at all. They don’t have the same effect on the family, on finances, on work, on the person’s health, nothing.

Being overweight doesn’t cause people to do or say stupid things. People don’t put themselves or family members in imminently dangerous situations (like driving drunk) due to obesity. There is NO WAY these are at all the same category of thing.

I will say that this insane narrative does have the spouses on this thread acting crazy. OP and a few others could probably benefit from reading a little about codependency or some ala-non literature.
I mean, searching through his belongings to find wrappers and looking through your credit card bill for vending machine charges is kind of crazy. You need to let that stuff go.

How do you know anyone is searching through belongings? I'm one of the spouses you're calling crazy - and I see the wrappers in the car, or in the garbage when I am taking out the trash. You know things about a person when you live with them. I find their cookie stashes sometimes while looking for something else.

We have separate ccs but if I were paying both our bills of course I'd see the charges.

OP here. Any wrappers I've found and junk food I've never did anything. We all have weaknesses . The difference between me and him is if there is a bag of chips I can have one or two servings and forget about the bag for two weeks. My dh polishes it off in two short days. I don't buy that stuff. He does. I clean out the cars and find wrappers. I pay thr household bills and check joint cc for charges. That's how I saw it. The multiple daily vending charges. Again I didn't say anything. I've tried to be supportive and when he brings up his weight or goals I say yes I'm on board, what can I cook or how can I help. My dh exercises at the gym three times a week religiously. He eats my healthy food that I cook. But he engages in other unhealthy lifestyle choices. He justifies his behavior bc he exercises routinely and eats healthy dinners. He thinks that gives him a free pass for everything.

It sounds like he is hungry after dinner, and he knows you will judge him if he eats more. So he secretly eats.

I don’t know.

I would say that the defining characteristic of being codependent is a belief that you could live someone else’s life better than they are living it themselves. Rabbits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:the heat attack thing never works bc the person can easily observe reality - tons of people who are carrying an extra 50 pounds are just fine

If you find him unattractive bc you view home as lazy or weak for being overweight you need to accept that and deal with your feelings

OP here. He is on three medications for his heart and lipids. He is at very high risk for HA / MI. Per his cardiologist. He had a great deal of plaque and multivessel disease. He found out about this three years ago when he turned 50. I thought this would be a wake up call. It wasn't. He just gained weight and i forgot to mention, picked up an occasional nicotine habit. Its bad.. I'm upset and angry. He does exercise a lot though.

Therapy. Hopefully for him, but if he won't go, then for you. He's wildly unhealthy but "picked up" a nicotine habit? That's just self-destructive.

Agree with others that Wegovy/a semiglutide is a very good idea as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look let’s not beat around the bush with all the “bmi can be wrong” and “obesity can be attractive” stuff and see it for what it is.
The husband is an adult and the wife can’t tell him what to do.
Her responsibility is to shield herself and the kids from the fallout.
She needs to make sure they are financially protected in case of his demise.

As someone married to an obese spouse, I'll tell you on top of all the worry it's also very hard to get life insurance for someone at that weight/with these health issues.

I don't know any easy solution. My spouse certainly would prefer not to be obese - but also makes choices I find confounding and (frankly) sometimes infuriating. Is on weight loss drugs (for diabetes) - they have yet to lead to any weight loss - and all kinds of other meds, which, thankfully, do seem to be working.

I try to look at this as a medical issue - I would not divorce my spouse over cancer, I'm not going to divorce my spouse over obesity. But I really also do get frustrated when they are ordering the largest and most sugary drinks at Starbucks, and sneaking a trip through the drive-thru, and eating cookies all the time, and sitting on the couch for hours and hours.

I also recognize that while I can encourage good eating, and encourage some movement, none of this is in my control.

The obesity is a medical issue, yes, but it is caused by lifestyle choices. As you describe here.

I'm the PP - and it's not just one or the other. They come from a family of seriously overweight people - there is a genetic factor. Plus a metabolic disorder. The last time my spouse was a normal weight - and even then they were overweight - they were virtually anorexic.

There are, of course, so many things they could do to mitigate. But only very thin people - and I count myself among them - can possibly think that a little less eating, a little more exercise, would make the whole difference.

The only way to know if a family tree of obese people is genetic or not is to strip away the factors like lack of exercise, poor nutrition, and over-eating.

If you’re eating right and being active and still obese that is different. Different from a couch potato eating three dominos pizzas a day plus twinkies and McDonald’s, claiming their obesity is genetic because Ma and Pa did the same and were obese.

The fact you'd talk about three Dominos per day and all this other crap just shows how little you know about what this is actually like.

Eating or ordering out multiple times a week is a surefire way for kids or undisciplined people to eat unhealthily and get overweight or obese.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look let’s not beat around the bush with all the “bmi can be wrong” and “obesity can be attractive” stuff and see it for what it is.
The husband is an adult and the wife can’t tell him what to do.
Her responsibility is to shield herself and the kids from the fallout.
She needs to make sure they are financially protected in case of his demise.

As someone married to an obese spouse, I'll tell you on top of all the worry it's also very hard to get life insurance for someone at that weight/with these health issues.

I don't know any easy solution. My spouse certainly would prefer not to be obese - but also makes choices I find confounding and (frankly) sometimes infuriating. Is on weight loss drugs (for diabetes) - they have yet to lead to any weight loss - and all kinds of other meds, which, thankfully, do seem to be working.

I try to look at this as a medical issue - I would not divorce my spouse over cancer, I'm not going to divorce my spouse over obesity. But I really also do get frustrated when they are ordering the largest and most sugary drinks at Starbucks, and sneaking a trip through the drive-thru, and eating cookies all the time, and sitting on the couch for hours and hours.

I also recognize that while I can encourage good eating, and encourage some movement, none of this is in my control.

The obesity is a medical issue, yes, but it is caused by lifestyle choices. As you describe here.

I'm the PP - and it's not just one or the other. They come from a family of seriously overweight people - there is a genetic factor. Plus a metabolic disorder. The last time my spouse was a normal weight - and even then they were overweight - they were virtually anorexic.

There are, of course, so many things they could do to mitigate. But only very thin people - and I count myself among them - can possibly think that a little less eating, a little more exercise, would make the whole difference.

If he comes from a family of seriously overweight people there may be a genetic factor. BUT- more likely- is a bad habits factor that was learned in the family.

Did someone cook healthy meals for the kids? Did the parents model exercise behaviors? Was taking care of personal health a family value? We’re kids rewarded with junk food “treats?”

More likely than not, this explains obesity in adults that come from overweight families. It’s still a lifestyle issue.

+100000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When a spouse has an addiction, to booze, drugs, risky behaviors, sugar, processed food, everyday life feels like watching them play Russian roulette with not only their life but the marriage and family bonds too, and finances as so many have raised.

Whether it's undiagnosed mental illness, trauma, dopamine issues, etc. it all gets avoided by life shortening behaviors.

I know this is taking a toll on all of us who are loved ones.

Having lived with a family member who is 50 lbs overweight (mom) and another family member who was an alcoholic, these are NOT the same thing at all. They don’t have the same effect on the family, on finances, on work, on the person’s health, nothing.

Being overweight doesn’t cause people to do or say stupid things. People don’t put themselves or family members in imminently dangerous situations (like driving drunk) due to obesity. There is NO WAY these are at all the same category of thing.

I will say that this insane narrative does have the spouses on this thread acting crazy. OP and a few others could probably benefit from reading a little about codependency or some ala-non literature.
I mean, searching through his belongings to find wrappers and looking through your credit card bill for vending machine charges is kind of crazy. You need to let that stuff go.

How do you know anyone is searching through belongings? I'm one of the spouses you're calling crazy - and I see the wrappers in the car, or in the garbage when I am taking out the trash. You know things about a person when you live with them. I find their cookie stashes sometimes while looking for something else.

We have separate ccs but if I were paying both our bills of course I'd see the charges.

OP here. Any wrappers I've found and junk food I've never did anything. We all have weaknesses . The difference between me and him is if there is a bag of chips I can have one or two servings and forget about the bag for two weeks. My dh polishes it off in two short days. I don't buy that stuff. He does. I clean out the cars and find wrappers. I pay thr household bills and check joint cc for charges. That's how I saw it. The multiple daily vending charges. Again I didn't say anything. I've tried to be supportive and when he brings up his weight or goals I say yes I'm on board, what can I cook or how can I help. My dh exercises at the gym three times a week religiously. He eats my healthy food that I cook. But he engages in other unhealthy lifestyle choices. He justifies his behavior bc he exercises routinely and eats healthy dinners. He thinks that gives him a free pass for everything.

Is he doing age appropriate exercising or what does it even consist off? Fat burning focus or?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When a spouse has an addiction, to booze, drugs, risky behaviors, sugar, processed food, everyday life feels like watching them play Russian roulette with not only their life but the marriage and family bonds too, and finances as so many have raised.

Whether it's undiagnosed mental illness, trauma, dopamine issues, etc. it all gets avoided by life shortening behaviors.

I know this is taking a toll on all of us who are loved ones.

Having lived with a family member who is 50 lbs overweight (mom) and another family member who was an alcoholic, these are NOT the same thing at all. They don’t have the same effect on the family, on finances, on work, on the person’s health, nothing.

Being overweight doesn’t cause people to do or say stupid things. People don’t put themselves or family members in imminently dangerous situations (like driving drunk) due to obesity. There is NO WAY these are at all the same category of thing.

I will say that this insane narrative does have the spouses on this thread acting crazy. OP and a few others could probably benefit from reading a little about codependency or some ala-non literature.
I mean, searching through his belongings to find wrappers and looking through your credit card bill for vending machine charges is kind of crazy. You need to let that stuff go.

How do you know anyone is searching through belongings? I'm one of the spouses you're calling crazy - and I see the wrappers in the car, or in the garbage when I am taking out the trash. You know things about a person when you live with them. I find their cookie stashes sometimes while looking for something else.

We have separate ccs but if I were paying both our bills of course I'd see the charges.

OP here. Any wrappers I've found and junk food I've never did anything. We all have weaknesses . The difference between me and him is if there is a bag of chips I can have one or two servings and forget about the bag for two weeks. My dh polishes it off in two short days. I don't buy that stuff. He does. I clean out the cars and find wrappers. I pay thr household bills and check joint cc for charges. That's how I saw it. The multiple daily vending charges. Again I didn't say anything. I've tried to be supportive and when he brings up his weight or goals I say yes I'm on board, what can I cook or how can I help. My dh exercises at the gym three times a week religiously. He eats my healthy food that I cook. But he engages in other unhealthy lifestyle choices. He justifies his behavior bc he exercises routinely and eats healthy dinners. He thinks that gives him a free pass for everything.

It sounds like he is hungry after dinner, and he knows you will judge him if he eats more. So he secretly eats.

I don’t know.

I would say that the defining characteristic of being codependent is a belief that you could live someone else’s life better than they are living it themselves. Rabbits.

That is not the nor any definition of Codependency.

Most people can live better than people impulse snacking and gorging after every meal. That’s not healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look let’s not beat around the bush with all the “bmi can be wrong” and “obesity can be attractive” stuff and see it for what it is.
The husband is an adult and the wife can’t tell him what to do.
Her responsibility is to shield herself and the kids from the fallout.
She needs to make sure they are financially protected in case of his demise.

As someone married to an obese spouse, I'll tell you on top of all the worry it's also very hard to get life insurance for someone at that weight/with these health issues.

I don't know any easy solution. My spouse certainly would prefer not to be obese - but also makes choices I find confounding and (frankly) sometimes infuriating. Is on weight loss drugs (for diabetes) - they have yet to lead to any weight loss - and all kinds of other meds, which, thankfully, do seem to be working.

I try to look at this as a medical issue - I would not divorce my spouse over cancer, I'm not going to divorce my spouse over obesity. But I really also do get frustrated when they are ordering the largest and most sugary drinks at Starbucks, and sneaking a trip through the drive-thru, and eating cookies all the time, and sitting on the couch for hours and hours.

I also recognize that while I can encourage good eating, and encourage some movement, none of this is in my control.

The obesity is a medical issue, yes, but it is caused by lifestyle choices. As you describe here.

I'm the PP - and it's not just one or the other. They come from a family of seriously overweight people - there is a genetic factor. Plus a metabolic disorder. The last time my spouse was a normal weight - and even then they were overweight - they were virtually anorexic.

There are, of course, so many things they could do to mitigate. But only very thin people - and I count myself among them - can possibly think that a little less eating, a little more exercise, would make the whole difference.

The only way to know if a family tree of obese people is genetic or not is to strip away the factors like lack of exercise, poor nutrition, and over-eating.

If you’re eating right and being active and still obese that is different. Different from a couch potato eating three dominos pizzas a day plus twinkies and McDonald’s, claiming their obesity is genetic because Ma and Pa did the same and were obese.

The fact you'd talk about three Dominos per day and all this other crap just shows how little you know about what this is actually like.

The fact that you deflect from the main point to focus on oily pizza instead of eating right and exercising decisions causing obesity and not “genetics”.

There’s nothing genetic about never being active, eating nutritiously, and taking care of yourself.

Thats all learned habits, for better or worse.

Thank your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:the heat attack thing never works bc the person can easily observe reality - tons of people who are carrying an extra 50 pounds are just fine

If you find him unattractive bc you view home as lazy or weak for being overweight you need to accept that and deal with your feelings

OP here. He is on three medications for his heart and lipids. He is at very high risk for HA / MI. Per his cardiologist. He had a great deal of plaque and multivessel disease. He found out about this three years ago when he turned 50. I thought this would be a wake up call. It wasn't. He just gained weight and i forgot to mention, picked up an occasional nicotine habit. Its bad.. I'm upset and angry. He does exercise a lot though.

well Op I lost 80 lbs and am now a normal BMI

I still have high blood pressure and have to take meds to control it and I have the beginning of heart disease. Once I lost the weight doctors suddenly changed to these things are often genetic and won’t matter how much weight you lose ….

It’s not that your DH shouldn’t lose weight but you should understand more about heart diseases and realize that it’s not all about weight

OP, you should read and absorb the above to try to help let go of the resentment. That doesn't mean you don't still advocate your husband getting healthy, but even if he makes all the changes suggested he might still have the same issues. (Probably not the pre-diabetes). My own dad has always been slim and fit. He's not a huge gym type exerciser, but not at all a couch potato. He has high cholesterol and his doctor nagged him and nagged him. He stopped eating red meat, then meat altogether, stopped drinking, took a statin that made him exhausted and experience muscle pain. Literally no change in his cholesterol.

It's very comforting for others to think if they do everything "right" then they won't have any health issues so they judge others harshly. The truth is that you can do everything you can to ensure the best outcomes and it may still not work. It's hard to hold both of those beliefs in your head, but you should try.

[Anonymous]

Watch The Whale movie.

[Anonymous]

It won a ton of awards. Very well done and powerful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look let’s not beat around the bush with all the “bmi can be wrong” and “obesity can be attractive” stuff and see it for what it is.
The husband is an adult and the wife can’t tell him what to do.
Her responsibility is to shield herself and the kids from the fallout.
She needs to make sure they are financially protected in case of his demise.

As someone married to an obese spouse, I'll tell you on top of all the worry it's also very hard to get life insurance for someone at that weight/with these health issues.

I don't know any easy solution. My spouse certainly would prefer not to be obese - but also makes choices I find confounding and (frankly) sometimes infuriating. Is on weight loss drugs (for diabetes) - they have yet to lead to any weight loss - and all kinds of other meds, which, thankfully, do seem to be working.

I try to look at this as a medical issue - I would not divorce my spouse over cancer, I'm not going to divorce my spouse over obesity. But I really also do get frustrated when they are ordering the largest and most sugary drinks at Starbucks, and sneaking a trip through the drive-thru, and eating cookies all the time, and sitting on the couch for hours and hours.

I also recognize that while I can encourage good eating, and encourage some movement, none of this is in my control.

The obesity is a medical issue, yes, but it is caused by lifestyle choices. As you describe here.

I'm the PP - and it's not just one or the other. They come from a family of seriously overweight people - there is a genetic factor. Plus a metabolic disorder. The last time my spouse was a normal weight - and even then they were overweight - they were virtually anorexic.

There are, of course, so many things they could do to mitigate. But only very thin people - and I count myself among them - can possibly think that a little less eating, a little more exercise, would make the whole difference.

The only way to know if a family tree of obese people is genetic or not is to strip away the factors like lack of exercise, poor nutrition, and over-eating.

If you’re eating right and being active and still obese that is different. Different from a couch potato eating three dominos pizzas a day plus twinkies and McDonald’s, claiming their obesity is genetic because Ma and Pa did the same and were obese.

The fact you'd talk about three Dominos per day and all this other crap just shows how little you know about what this is actually like.

DP. I know.
I am overweight. I’m not trying to lose weight. I did post my actual diet once, and people were still like, “rice at dinner AND a muffin at book club on the same day?”
Like rice and my friend’s muffins are the equivalent of Dominos and twinkies.

[Anonymous]

You have a copycat poster - male complaining about obese (50 pounds too!) wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems like the perfect candidate for Wegovy

+1 Just get him in wegovy so he can see his grandkids.