Obese spouse...I'm tired of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:the heat attack thing never works bc the person can easily observe reality - tons of people who are carrying an extra 50 pounds are just fine

If you find him unattractive bc you view home as lazy or weak for being overweight you need to accept that and deal with your feelings

OP here. He is on three medications for his heart and lipids. He is at very high risk for HA / MI. Per his cardiologist. He had a great deal of plaque and multivessel disease. He found out about this three years ago when he turned 50. I thought this would be a wake up call. It wasn't. He just gained weight and i forgot to mention, picked up an occasional nicotine habit. Its bad.. I'm upset and angry. He does exercise a lot though.

well Op I lost 80 lbs and am now a normal BMI

I still have high blood pressure and have to take meds to control it and I have the beginning of heart disease. Once I lost the weight doctors suddenly changed to these things are often genetic and won’t matter how much weight you lose ….

It’s not that your DH shouldn’t lose weight but you should understand more about heart diseases and realize that it’s not all about weight

o


No it’s not all about weight - but it is hugely influenced by diet. Lots of healthy weight people develop heart disease because of what they eat - and of course smoking is huge.

If you have heart disease and don’t smoke, you can begin reversing that heart disease within weeks by following something close to the Pritikin plan for diet - ditch the sugar and saturated fats and eat tons of plants. The research on this is incontrovertible, but the majority of people don’t want to make the commitment to substantial lifestyle changes and prefer to live with the anxiety about when and whether it will be a massive coronary or a massive stroke.

We are all waiting to see this incontrovertible research that following the Pritkin plan reduces the incidence of heart attacks and strokes in people with diabetes and heart disease.

Are you kidding? How old are you? It’s common knowledge that Pritikin works, in the people willing to make the commitment and stick to it.

The federal government recognizes the efficacy of Pritikin in reversing heart disease.

https://www.cms.gov/medicare-coverage-database/view/ncacal-decision-memo.aspx?proposed=N&NCAId=239&bc=AiAAAAAAAgAAAA%3D%3D&.

Go pick another fight elsewhere, you’re not winning this one.

I’m 43 and graduated from medical school in 2006.

I just did a quick google search of the Pritkin plan and found this:

“The Pritikin Diet: Discredited By Medicine But Now Endorsed By Your Federal Government!”

https://theskepticalcardiologist.com/2015/11/29/the-pritikin-diet-discredited-by-medicine-but-now-endorsed-by-your-federal-government/?amp=1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ozempic is causing lots of mid life crises in males suddenly a dateable size and shape again.

Fascinating the divorce lawyers here in our town. Not DC so no worries!

Tell us more. Are you saying there are more ozempically-fit men leaving their wives or is it going both ways? Anecdotally, I’ve noticed more newly slim women than guys.

My waspy white collared neighborhood has the obese men losing the weight fast on the shots, getting skin surgery, flipping out, partying and divorcing their wife and children.
They just reinvent themselves as a kind of in shape single a hole 45 yo with money (until the support payments start).

The women were already in shape and super busy with work, kids, exercise, friends.

Noe that I think about it, in my educated white collar world the only overweight types are men, not women. And only a few are obese, and we all view them as a keyman business risk at the board meetings .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look let’s not beat around the bush with all the “bmi can be wrong” and “obesity can be attractive” stuff and see it for what it is.
The husband is an adult and the wife can’t tell him what to do.
Her responsibility is to shield herself and the kids from the fallout.
She needs to make sure they are financially protected in case of his demise.

As someone married to an obese spouse, I'll tell you on top of all the worry it's also very hard to get life insurance for someone at that weight/with these health issues.

I don't know any easy solution. My spouse certainly would prefer not to be obese - but also makes choices I find confounding and (frankly) sometimes infuriating. Is on weight loss drugs (for diabetes) - they have yet to lead to any weight loss - and all kinds of other meds, which, thankfully, do seem to be working.

I try to look at this as a medical issue - I would not divorce my spouse over cancer, I'm not going to divorce my spouse over obesity. But I really also do get frustrated when they are ordering the largest and most sugary drinks at Starbucks, and sneaking a trip through the drive-thru, and eating cookies all the time, and sitting on the couch for hours and hours.

I also recognize that while I can encourage good eating, and encourage some movement, none of this is in my control.

The obesity is a medical issue, yes, but it is caused by lifestyle choices. As you describe here.

I'm the PP - and it's not just one or the other. They come from a family of seriously overweight people - there is a genetic factor. Plus a metabolic disorder. The last time my spouse was a normal weight - and even then they were overweight - they were virtually anorexic.

There are, of course, so many things they could do to mitigate. But only very thin people - and I count myself among them - can possibly think that a little less eating, a little more exercise, would make the whole difference.

The only way to know if a family tree of obese people is genetic or not is to strip away the factors like lack of exercise, poor nutrition, and over-eating.

If you’re eating right and being active and still obese that is different. Different from a couch potato eating three dominos pizzas a day plus twinkies and McDonald’s, claiming their obesity is genetic because Ma and Pa did the same and were obese.

The fact you'd talk about three Dominos per day and all this other crap just shows how little you know about what this is actually like.

Eating or ordering out multiple times a week is a surefire way for kids or undisciplined people to eat unhealthily and get overweight or obese.

Do you see he difference between eating out a couple of times a week, and eating three pizzas at once?

You're just engaging in stupid stereotypes.

The families I know that grab QSR or fast food or take out after work or after a kids lesson are all overweight.

It’s always healthier to cook your own food and meals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look let’s not beat around the bush with all the “bmi can be wrong” and “obesity can be attractive” stuff and see it for what it is.
The husband is an adult and the wife can’t tell him what to do.
Her responsibility is to shield herself and the kids from the fallout.
She needs to make sure they are financially protected in case of his demise.

As someone married to an obese spouse, I'll tell you on top of all the worry it's also very hard to get life insurance for someone at that weight/with these health issues.

I don't know any easy solution. My spouse certainly would prefer not to be obese - but also makes choices I find confounding and (frankly) sometimes infuriating. Is on weight loss drugs (for diabetes) - they have yet to lead to any weight loss - and all kinds of other meds, which, thankfully, do seem to be working.

I try to look at this as a medical issue - I would not divorce my spouse over cancer, I'm not going to divorce my spouse over obesity. But I really also do get frustrated when they are ordering the largest and most sugary drinks at Starbucks, and sneaking a trip through the drive-thru, and eating cookies all the time, and sitting on the couch for hours and hours.

I also recognize that while I can encourage good eating, and encourage some movement, none of this is in my control.

The obesity is a medical issue, yes, but it is caused by lifestyle choices. As you describe here.

I'm the PP - and it's not just one or the other. They come from a family of seriously overweight people - there is a genetic factor. Plus a metabolic disorder. The last time my spouse was a normal weight - and even then they were overweight - they were virtually anorexic.

There are, of course, so many things they could do to mitigate. But only very thin people - and I count myself among them - can possibly think that a little less eating, a little more exercise, would make the whole difference.

The only way to know if a family tree of obese people is genetic or not is to strip away the factors like lack of exercise, poor nutrition, and over-eating.

If you’re eating right and being active and still obese that is different. Different from a couch potato eating three dominos pizzas a day plus twinkies and McDonald’s, claiming their obesity is genetic because Ma and Pa did the same and were obese.

The fact you'd talk about three Dominos per day and all this other crap just shows how little you know about what this is actually like.

Eating or ordering out multiple times a week is a surefire way for kids or undisciplined people to eat unhealthily and get overweight or obese.

Do you see he difference between eating out a couple of times a week, and eating three pizzas at once?

You're just engaging in stupid stereotypes.

Stop fixating and deflecting on your three pizzas tangent and focus on the real points.

Besides that was probably a shout out to The Whale movie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could never stay married to an obese partner who did not want to look after themselves. My libido would plummet quickly. Sure, taking drugs or getting lipo are options, but does that really change someone’s lifestyle to stay active and in shape? I want to be with someone who is motivated by life, and being active is part of it. Don’t you want me to be able to move at 60 plus if we actually make it to that age?

OP said that her husband is active and works out at a gym regularly.
He’s gained 40lbs in 30 years. It’s not like he is living his 600lb life.

Sure, but what does that workout entail? Are they actually doing hard lifting and cardio? We are no spring chickens anymore but we can at least do our best to stay in shape.

+1 am also curious if he even breaks a sweat or gets his pulse up for longer than one minute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look let’s not beat around the bush with all the “bmi can be wrong” and “obesity can be attractive” stuff and see it for what it is.
The husband is an adult and the wife can’t tell him what to do.
Her responsibility is to shield herself and the kids from the fallout.
She needs to make sure they are financially protected in case of his demise.

As someone married to an obese spouse, I'll tell you on top of all the worry it's also very hard to get life insurance for someone at that weight/with these health issues.

I don't know any easy solution. My spouse certainly would prefer not to be obese - but also makes choices I find confounding and (frankly) sometimes infuriating. Is on weight loss drugs (for diabetes) - they have yet to lead to any weight loss - and all kinds of other meds, which, thankfully, do seem to be working.

I try to look at this as a medical issue - I would not divorce my spouse over cancer, I'm not going to divorce my spouse over obesity. But I really also do get frustrated when they are ordering the largest and most sugary drinks at Starbucks, and sneaking a trip through the drive-thru, and eating cookies all the time, and sitting on the couch for hours and hours.

I also recognize that while I can encourage good eating, and encourage some movement, none of this is in my control.

The obesity is a medical issue, yes, but it is caused by lifestyle choices. As you describe here.

I'm the PP - and it's not just one or the other. They come from a family of seriously overweight people - there is a genetic factor. Plus a metabolic disorder. The last time my spouse was a normal weight - and even then they were overweight - they were virtually anorexic.

There are, of course, so many things they could do to mitigate. But only very thin people - and I count myself among them - can possibly think that a little less eating, a little more exercise, would make the whole difference.

+1

I don't think it's just genetic, it is family traditions of eating passed down generations. I know my obese spouse's family has terrible eating habits. Even worse, his mom thinks her cooking is the best, yet her husband had a slew of diseases related to lifestyle and eating behavior. She does not even suspect she and the overall national food culture are part of the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing you can do. My close co-worker's husband (late 40s) just had a heart attack due to his lifestyle. it's put pressure on her to continue caring for their two young children (9 and 5, I believe) and she's really irritated about it. She's had to miss work, stretch herself, and take a financial hit since he is an hourly worker (electrician). There is impact to you. Hopefully you have life insurance on him from when you were younger.

The only advice I have is to share how this impacts YOU. Ultimately, though, he has to want to change. I'm sorry, it sucks.

This.

Everyone has told my Obese BMI husband to get his act together and lose weight- eat less, start exercising, get a normal sleep schedule.
He won’t. He has other problems too so lashed out at most suggestions and digs in more. Why anyone would do that about their own health and appearance beats me, but I have detached and stopped caring.

His obesity reflects his priorities not mine. He was obese as a teen as well; his parents were neglectful, focused on the asd/dyslexic younger brother, and the dad brought home a sugary store pie every night. That was love to them: sugar, sweets and dessert. Still is.

I can’t help him. I tried for 12+ years and now it’s out of control. He inhales food and eats portions like he’s a linebacker. Oh well.

One kid has the same impulse eating issues and lying about it as him. I basically can’t keep stuff in the house she’ll eat a 2 week supply in 24 hours.

He just bought $50 of Girl Scout cookies. Who knows where they are, hope the two kids don’t eat and hide them.

SAME! I just can't! My obese husband brings the sugary store pie or cookies every night too. It's not just him who is getting affected, it's our kids. They love the sugar too. In fact, I love sweets too but I have been very mindful of my consumption for long periods in my life. However, I do think I am a sugar binge eater and having sugary stuff at home just makes me join in as well. Not sure what is behind all of this. ADHD? Maybe? Should we all (adults) be on the new weight loss drugs? I feel responsibility for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:the heat attack thing never works bc the person can easily observe reality - tons of people who are carrying an extra 50 pounds are just fine

If you find him unattractive bc you view home as lazy or weak for being overweight you need to accept that and deal with your feelings

OP here. He is on three medications for his heart and lipids. He is at very high risk for HA / MI. Per his cardiologist. He had a great deal of plaque and multivessel disease. He found out about this three years ago when he turned 50. I thought this would be a wake up call. It wasn't. He just gained weight and i forgot to mention, picked up an occasional nicotine habit. Its bad.. I'm upset and angry. He does exercise a lot though.

Increase the nicotine to regular. It's a great appetite suppressant / weight loss drug.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could never stay married to an obese partner who did not want to look after themselves. My libido would plummet quickly. Sure, taking drugs or getting lipo are options, but does that really change someone’s lifestyle to stay active and in shape? I want to be with someone who is motivated by life, and being active is part of it. Don’t you want me to be able to move at 60 plus if we actually make it to that age?

OP said that her husband is active and works out at a gym regularly.
He’s gained 40lbs in 30 years. It’s not like he is living his 600lb life.

Sure, but what does that workout entail? Are they actually doing hard lifting and cardio? We are no spring chickens anymore but we can at least do our best to stay in shape.

+1 am also curious if he even breaks a sweat or gets his pulse up for longer than one minute.

OP here. The workouts he does now are strength ad cardio classes. He does 3 classes a week and likes the structure of a guided workout. Spin, strength, core, heavy weight, room. He's one of the biggest guys in the classes. He also plays tennis 2-3 times a month. I don't think exercise helps with weight loss. Can't outrun a bad diet. He's been consistently working out for 10 plus years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look let’s not beat around the bush with all the “bmi can be wrong” and “obesity can be attractive” stuff and see it for what it is.
The husband is an adult and the wife can’t tell him what to do.
Her responsibility is to shield herself and the kids from the fallout.
She needs to make sure they are financially protected in case of his demise.

As someone married to an obese spouse, I'll tell you on top of all the worry it's also very hard to get life insurance for someone at that weight/with these health issues.

I don't know any easy solution. My spouse certainly would prefer not to be obese - but also makes choices I find confounding and (frankly) sometimes infuriating. Is on weight loss drugs (for diabetes) - they have yet to lead to any weight loss - and all kinds of other meds, which, thankfully, do seem to be working.

I try to look at this as a medical issue - I would not divorce my spouse over cancer, I'm not going to divorce my spouse over obesity. But I really also do get frustrated when they are ordering the largest and most sugary drinks at Starbucks, and sneaking a trip through the drive-thru, and eating cookies all the time, and sitting on the couch for hours and hours.

I also recognize that while I can encourage good eating, and encourage some movement, none of this is in my control.

The obesity is a medical issue, yes, but it is caused by lifestyle choices. As you describe here.

I'm the PP - and it's not just one or the other. They come from a family of seriously overweight people - there is a genetic factor. Plus a metabolic disorder. The last time my spouse was a normal weight - and even then they were overweight - they were virtually anorexic.

There are, of course, so many things they could do to mitigate. But only very thin people - and I count myself among them - can possibly think that a little less eating, a little more exercise, would make the whole difference.

+1

I don't think it's just genetic, it is family traditions of eating passed down generations. I know my obese spouse's family has terrible eating habits. Even worse, his mom thinks her cooking is the best, yet her husband had a slew of diseases related to lifestyle and eating behavior. She does not even suspect she and the overall national food culture are part of the problem.

It’s amazing how much you know about the cause of your FIL’s medical problems.
We should stop doing any research at all and just ask you.

I had 4 miscarriages in my twenties. Do you know what caused them? Do you think I ate too many carbs?

[Anonymous]

I’m in the same boat, except my husband doesn’t see doctors—if he gets sick he calls our PA friend to call in a prescription for antibiotics or steroids. Last bloodwork was maybe 15 years ago for life insurance—and cholesterol was bad then. Constantly says he’s “starting tomorrow” and will go to the doctor after he gets in shape. It’s like a running gag.

We have a lot of life insurance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look let’s not beat around the bush with all the “bmi can be wrong” and “obesity can be attractive” stuff and see it for what it is.
The husband is an adult and the wife can’t tell him what to do.
Her responsibility is to shield herself and the kids from the fallout.
She needs to make sure they are financially protected in case of his demise.

As someone married to an obese spouse, I'll tell you on top of all the worry it's also very hard to get life insurance for someone at that weight/with these health issues.

I don't know any easy solution. My spouse certainly would prefer not to be obese - but also makes choices I find confounding and (frankly) sometimes infuriating. Is on weight loss drugs (for diabetes) - they have yet to lead to any weight loss - and all kinds of other meds, which, thankfully, do seem to be working.

I try to look at this as a medical issue - I would not divorce my spouse over cancer, I'm not going to divorce my spouse over obesity. But I really also do get frustrated when they are ordering the largest and most sugary drinks at Starbucks, and sneaking a trip through the drive-thru, and eating cookies all the time, and sitting on the couch for hours and hours.

I also recognize that while I can encourage good eating, and encourage some movement, none of this is in my control.

The obesity is a medical issue, yes, but it is caused by lifestyle choices. As you describe here.

I'm the PP - and it's not just one or the other. They come from a family of seriously overweight people - there is a genetic factor. Plus a metabolic disorder. The last time my spouse was a normal weight - and even then they were overweight - they were virtually anorexic.

There are, of course, so many things they could do to mitigate. But only very thin people - and I count myself among them - can possibly think that a little less eating, a little more exercise, would make the whole difference.

+1

I don't think it's just genetic, it is family traditions of eating passed down generations. I know my obese spouse's family has terrible eating habits. Even worse, his mom thinks her cooking is the best, yet her husband had a slew of diseases related to lifestyle and eating behavior. She does not even suspect she and the overall national food culture are part of the problem.

It’s amazing how much you know about the cause of your FIL’s medical problems.
We should stop doing any research at all and just ask you.

I had 4 miscarriages in my twenties. Do you know what caused them? Do you think I ate too many carbs?

Why are you so triggered?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look let’s not beat around the bush with all the “bmi can be wrong” and “obesity can be attractive” stuff and see it for what it is.
The husband is an adult and the wife can’t tell him what to do.
Her responsibility is to shield herself and the kids from the fallout.
She needs to make sure they are financially protected in case of his demise.

As someone married to an obese spouse, I'll tell you on top of all the worry it's also very hard to get life insurance for someone at that weight/with these health issues.

I don't know any easy solution. My spouse certainly would prefer not to be obese - but also makes choices I find confounding and (frankly) sometimes infuriating. Is on weight loss drugs (for diabetes) - they have yet to lead to any weight loss - and all kinds of other meds, which, thankfully, do seem to be working.

I try to look at this as a medical issue - I would not divorce my spouse over cancer, I'm not going to divorce my spouse over obesity. But I really also do get frustrated when they are ordering the largest and most sugary drinks at Starbucks, and sneaking a trip through the drive-thru, and eating cookies all the time, and sitting on the couch for hours and hours.

I also recognize that while I can encourage good eating, and encourage some movement, none of this is in my control.

The obesity is a medical issue, yes, but it is caused by lifestyle choices. As you describe here.

I'm the PP - and it's not just one or the other. They come from a family of seriously overweight people - there is a genetic factor. Plus a metabolic disorder. The last time my spouse was a normal weight - and even then they were overweight - they were virtually anorexic.

There are, of course, so many things they could do to mitigate. But only very thin people - and I count myself among them - can possibly think that a little less eating, a little more exercise, would make the whole difference.

+1

I don't think it's just genetic, it is family traditions of eating passed down generations. I know my obese spouse's family has terrible eating habits. Even worse, his mom thinks her cooking is the best, yet her husband had a slew of diseases related to lifestyle and eating behavior. She does not even suspect she and the overall national food culture are part of the problem.

It’s amazing how much you know about the cause of your FIL’s medical problems.
We should stop doing any research at all and just ask you.

I had 4 miscarriages in my twenties. Do you know what caused them? Do you think I ate too many carbs?

Dude, you be triggered

Get over yourself though. Cooking and frying up unhealthy foods and huge portions for your family all the time is gross. And not genetic. It’s a choice.

It’s 2024. every country and culture knows what’s healthy eating and what’s not. Stop pretending that’s not true. Some people just don’t have the self discipline or desire to improve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look let’s not beat around the bush with all the “bmi can be wrong” and “obesity can be attractive” stuff and see it for what it is.
The husband is an adult and the wife can’t tell him what to do.
Her responsibility is to shield herself and the kids from the fallout.
She needs to make sure they are financially protected in case of his demise.

As someone married to an obese spouse, I'll tell you on top of all the worry it's also very hard to get life insurance for someone at that weight/with these health issues.

I don't know any easy solution. My spouse certainly would prefer not to be obese - but also makes choices I find confounding and (frankly) sometimes infuriating. Is on weight loss drugs (for diabetes) - they have yet to lead to any weight loss - and all kinds of other meds, which, thankfully, do seem to be working.

I try to look at this as a medical issue - I would not divorce my spouse over cancer, I'm not going to divorce my spouse over obesity. But I really also do get frustrated when they are ordering the largest and most sugary drinks at Starbucks, and sneaking a trip through the drive-thru, and eating cookies all the time, and sitting on the couch for hours and hours.

I also recognize that while I can encourage good eating, and encourage some movement, none of this is in my control.

The obesity is a medical issue, yes, but it is caused by lifestyle choices. As you describe here.

I'm the PP - and it's not just one or the other. They come from a family of seriously overweight people - there is a genetic factor. Plus a metabolic disorder. The last time my spouse was a normal weight - and even then they were overweight - they were virtually anorexic.

There are, of course, so many things they could do to mitigate. But only very thin people - and I count myself among them - can possibly think that a little less eating, a little more exercise, would make the whole difference.

+1

I don't think it's just genetic, it is family traditions of eating passed down generations. I know my obese spouse's family has terrible eating habits. Even worse, his mom thinks her cooking is the best, yet her husband had a slew of diseases related to lifestyle and eating behavior. She does not even suspect she and the overall national food culture are part of the problem.

It’s amazing how much you know about the cause of your FIL’s medical problems.
We should stop doing any research at all and just ask you.

I had 4 miscarriages in my twenties. Do you know what caused them? Do you think I ate too many carbs?

This is a hysterical reaction on your part, no logic at all. There is proven connection between sedentary lifestyle and poor eating habits and diseases we've been discussing.

Jumping from apples to oranges proves your point how? If you have a point.

Truly, miscarriage is something very traumatic. I am sorry you had to go through it. It's somewhat related but I was infertile for a decade and got pregnant only after I changed my diet. Not that this is established scientific knowledge--they'd rather have you use assistive reproductive technologies, but yes, diet is important. So is stress, so is physical activity. You are just entering a new subject here. As I said, connections between poor lifestyle choices and main health indicators are pretty solidly established.

[Anonymous]

Why don’t you do activities with him that get him moving.