Obese spouse...I'm tired of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have a lot of tolerance for grown men who don’t lift weight regularly. I am 55 years old, work 6 days a week, long hours every day and I manage to hit the gym 5 days a week. I go in at 4:30 am and workout until 6:00 am 5 days a week. And yes I am still enjoying life. But I don’t snack or drink beers every night.

It’s far easier for men to see INSTANT results from working out. Testosterone is a huge advantage that we guys have because it makes exercising easier and our body respond faster.

So your DH needs to stop being lazy and take his fat ass to the gym.

Zero mention of taking care of kids or a house. Interesting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When a spouse has an addiction, to booze, drugs, risky behaviors, sugar, processed food, everyday life feels like watching them play Russian roulette with not only their life but the marriage and family bonds too, and finances as so many have raised.

Whether it's undiagnosed mental illness, trauma, dopamine issues, etc. it all gets avoided by life shortening behaviors.

I know this is taking a toll on all of us who are loved ones.

Having lived with a family member who is 50 lbs overweight (mom) and another family member who was an alcoholic, these are NOT the same thing at all. They don’t have the same effect on the family, on finances, on work, on the person’s health, nothing.

Being overweight doesn’t cause people to do or say stupid things. People don’t put themselves or family members in imminently dangerous situations (like driving drunk) due to obesity. There is NO WAY these are at all the same category of thing.

I will say that this insane narrative does have the spouses on this thread acting crazy. OP and a few others could probably benefit from reading a little about codependency or some ala-non literature.
I mean, searching through his belongings to find wrappers and looking through your credit card bill for vending machine charges is kind of crazy. You need to let that stuff go.

How do you know anyone is searching through belongings? I'm one of the spouses you're calling crazy - and I see the wrappers in the car, or in the garbage when I am taking out the trash. You know things about a person when you live with them. I find their cookie stashes sometimes while looking for something else.

We have separate ccs but if I were paying both our bills of course I'd see the charges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look let’s not beat around the bush with all the “bmi can be wrong” and “obesity can be attractive” stuff and see it for what it is.
The husband is an adult and the wife can’t tell him what to do.
Her responsibility is to shield herself and the kids from the fallout.
She needs to make sure they are financially protected in case of his demise.

As someone married to an obese spouse, I'll tell you on top of all the worry it's also very hard to get life insurance for someone at that weight/with these health issues.

I don't know any easy solution. My spouse certainly would prefer not to be obese - but also makes choices I find confounding and (frankly) sometimes infuriating. Is on weight loss drugs (for diabetes) - they have yet to lead to any weight loss - and all kinds of other meds, which, thankfully, do seem to be working.

I try to look at this as a medical issue - I would not divorce my spouse over cancer, I'm not going to divorce my spouse over obesity. But I really also do get frustrated when they are ordering the largest and most sugary drinks at Starbucks, and sneaking a trip through the drive-thru, and eating cookies all the time, and sitting on the couch for hours and hours.

I also recognize that while I can encourage good eating, and encourage some movement, none of this is in my control.

The obesity is a medical issue, yes, but it is caused by lifestyle choices. As you describe here.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look let’s not beat around the bush with all the “bmi can be wrong” and “obesity can be attractive” stuff and see it for what it is.
The husband is an adult and the wife can’t tell him what to do.
Her responsibility is to shield herself and the kids from the fallout.
She needs to make sure they are financially protected in case of his demise.

As someone married to an obese spouse, I'll tell you on top of all the worry it's also very hard to get life insurance for someone at that weight/with these health issues.

I don't know any easy solution. My spouse certainly would prefer not to be obese - but also makes choices I find confounding and (frankly) sometimes infuriating. Is on weight loss drugs (for diabetes) - they have yet to lead to any weight loss - and all kinds of other meds, which, thankfully, do seem to be working.

I try to look at this as a medical issue - I would not divorce my spouse over cancer, I'm not going to divorce my spouse over obesity. But I really also do get frustrated when they are ordering the largest and most sugary drinks at Starbucks, and sneaking a trip through the drive-thru, and eating cookies all the time, and sitting on the couch for hours and hours.

I also recognize that while I can encourage good eating, and encourage some movement, none of this is in my control.

The obesity is a medical issue, yes, but it is caused by lifestyle choices. As you describe here.

I'm the PP - and it's not just one or the other. They come from a family of seriously overweight people - there is a genetic factor. Plus a metabolic disorder. The last time my spouse was a normal weight - and even then they were overweight - they were virtually anorexic.

There are, of course, so many things they could do to mitigate. But only very thin people - and I count myself among them - can possibly think that a little less eating, a little more exercise, would make the whole difference.

The only way to know if a family tree of obese people is genetic or not is to strip away the factors like lack of exercise, poor nutrition, and over-eating.

If you’re eating right and being active and still obese that is different. Different from a couch potato eating three dominos pizzas a day plus twinkies and McDonald’s, claiming their obesity is genetic because Ma and Pa did the same and were obese.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When a spouse has an addiction, to booze, drugs, risky behaviors, sugar, processed food, everyday life feels like watching them play Russian roulette with not only their life but the marriage and family bonds too, and finances as so many have raised.

Whether it's undiagnosed mental illness, trauma, dopamine issues, etc. it all gets avoided by life shortening behaviors.

I know this is taking a toll on all of us who are loved ones.

Having lived with a family member who is 50 lbs overweight (mom) and another family member who was an alcoholic, these are NOT the same thing at all. They don’t have the same effect on the family, on finances, on work, on the person’s health, nothing.

Being overweight doesn’t cause people to do or say stupid things. People don’t put themselves or family members in imminently dangerous situations (like driving drunk) due to obesity. There is NO WAY these are at all the same category of thing.

I will say that this insane narrative does have the spouses on this thread acting crazy. OP and a few others could probably benefit from reading a little about codependency or some ala-non literature.
I mean, searching through his belongings to find wrappers and looking through your credit card bill for vending machine charges is kind of crazy. You need to let that stuff go.

How do you know anyone is searching through belongings? I'm one of the spouses you're calling crazy - and I see the wrappers in the car, or in the garbage when I am taking out the trash. You know things about a person when you live with them. I find their cookie stashes sometimes while looking for something else.

We have separate ccs but if I were paying both our bills of course I'd see the charges.

Okay then. You clearly aren’t monitoring another person’s behavior and attempting to control them.

[Anonymous]

You should leave him.

Seriously. I honestly can’t imagine feeling this type of resentment toward my spouse for gaining weight (she has). You two are middle aged. You’re not hot anymore, you’re never going to be. Grow up.

“Health” is one thing, but 50lbs on a tall guy in his 50s is not a big deal.

Go hook up with the lunatic PP who wakes up at 4am every day, then works 12 hour days so he can brag on a Mommy message board about his testosterone. You two will be a match made in delusional, sociopathic heaven.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married nearly 30 yrs. Together since our 20s. 50s now. Spouse is obese. I am normal bmi and am healthy weight etc. He is a great person, kind, good father to our two grown kids. In his 20s he was 10-20lbs overweight. No biggie for me. In his 30s he was 20-30 lbs overweight. No biggie since he's tall but I was starting to get a little concerned. In his 40s he was 30-40 lbs overweight. In his 50s he is 50 lbs overweight. He's been talking about losing weight for 20 years. I've never said anything and have always cooked dialybhealthy meals for us both. Every now and then he'd go on a low carb kick or vegetarian kick or something and I'd join him in solidarity. He eats healthy bc I cook. But he is a stacker (junk) and likes a nightly beer or two. He's also got a sweet tooth. Even though I don't buy junk food I'll find it stashed Herr and there in the cabinets. Ill see vending machine charges foe candy on the credit card.

Problem is he has heart disease, nafld and is pre diabetic. His cardiologist said he must lose weight and I thought that would wake him up. He hasn't had a heart attack yet. I'm so worried but I've been concerned foe 20 plus years and know you can never change someone. We are still intimate on a regular basis but I fele guilty to say in the past couple years since he hit obese category I do not find him sexually attractive. I feel really bad about this.

Thoughts? This is beyond "you need to cook healthy food".

Can he join a support group or try Noom app for eating log? Put some accountability on it, a slow 12 month glide path, some data and logbooking, some team work element?

Also sit down and both watch the movie The Whale.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing you can do. My close co-worker's husband (late 40s) just had a heart attack due to his lifestyle. it's put pressure on her to continue caring for their two young children (9 and 5, I believe) and she's really irritated about it. She's had to miss work, stretch herself, and take a financial hit since he is an hourly worker (electrician). There is impact to you. Hopefully you have life insurance on him from when you were younger.

The only advice I have is to share how this impacts YOU. Ultimately, though, he has to want to change. I'm sorry, it sucks.

How would you know what caused your co-worker’s husband’s stroke? Maybe he developed a restrictive eating disorder after hearing all of this, and THAT’s what caused the stroke.
Maybe he also had a cancer that made him hypercoaguable, and it wasn’t diagnosed.
Maybe it was one of 50 different things.
How would you know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look let’s not beat around the bush with all the “bmi can be wrong” and “obesity can be attractive” stuff and see it for what it is.
The husband is an adult and the wife can’t tell him what to do.
Her responsibility is to shield herself and the kids from the fallout.
She needs to make sure they are financially protected in case of his demise.

As someone married to an obese spouse, I'll tell you on top of all the worry it's also very hard to get life insurance for someone at that weight/with these health issues.

I don't know any easy solution. My spouse certainly would prefer not to be obese - but also makes choices I find confounding and (frankly) sometimes infuriating. Is on weight loss drugs (for diabetes) - they have yet to lead to any weight loss - and all kinds of other meds, which, thankfully, do seem to be working.

I try to look at this as a medical issue - I would not divorce my spouse over cancer, I'm not going to divorce my spouse over obesity. But I really also do get frustrated when they are ordering the largest and most sugary drinks at Starbucks, and sneaking a trip through the drive-thru, and eating cookies all the time, and sitting on the couch for hours and hours.

I also recognize that while I can encourage good eating, and encourage some movement, none of this is in my control.

The obesity is a medical issue, yes, but it is caused by lifestyle choices. As you describe here.

I'm the PP - and it's not just one or the other. They come from a family of seriously overweight people - there is a genetic factor. Plus a metabolic disorder. The last time my spouse was a normal weight - and even then they were overweight - they were virtually anorexic.

There are, of course, so many things they could do to mitigate. But only very thin people - and I count myself among them - can possibly think that a little less eating, a little more exercise, would make the whole difference.

The only way to know if a family tree of obese people is genetic or not is to strip away the factors like lack of exercise, poor nutrition, and over-eating.

If you’re eating right and being active and still obese that is different. Different from a couch potato eating three dominos pizzas a day plus twinkies and McDonald’s, claiming their obesity is genetic because Ma and Pa did the same and were obese.

The fact you'd talk about three Dominos per day and all this other crap just shows how little you know about what this is actually like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When a spouse has an addiction, to booze, drugs, risky behaviors, sugar, processed food, everyday life feels like watching them play Russian roulette with not only their life but the marriage and family bonds too, and finances as so many have raised.

Whether it's undiagnosed mental illness, trauma, dopamine issues, etc. it all gets avoided by life shortening behaviors.

I know this is taking a toll on all of us who are loved ones.

Having lived with a family member who is 50 lbs overweight (mom) and another family member who was an alcoholic, these are NOT the same thing at all. They don’t have the same effect on the family, on finances, on work, on the person’s health, nothing.

Being overweight doesn’t cause people to do or say stupid things. People don’t put themselves or family members in imminently dangerous situations (like driving drunk) due to obesity. There is NO WAY these are at all the same category of thing.

I will say that this insane narrative does have the spouses on this thread acting crazy. OP and a few others could probably benefit from reading a little about codependency or some ala-non literature.
I mean, searching through his belongings to find wrappers and looking through your credit card bill for vending machine charges is kind of crazy. You need to let that stuff go.

How do you know anyone is searching through belongings? I'm one of the spouses you're calling crazy - and I see the wrappers in the car, or in the garbage when I am taking out the trash. You know things about a person when you live with them. I find their cookie stashes sometimes while looking for something else.

We have separate ccs but if I were paying both our bills of course I'd see the charges.

Okay then. You clearly aren’t monitoring another person’s behavior and attempting to control them.

Do you live with any other human beings? I'm thinking you don't.,

And what we are all saying here is that you CAN'T control the other person.

But you have all the answers! Go write a book. I'm sure it'll be a big hit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look let’s not beat around the bush with all the “bmi can be wrong” and “obesity can be attractive” stuff and see it for what it is.
The husband is an adult and the wife can’t tell him what to do.
Her responsibility is to shield herself and the kids from the fallout.
She needs to make sure they are financially protected in case of his demise.

As someone married to an obese spouse, I'll tell you on top of all the worry it's also very hard to get life insurance for someone at that weight/with these health issues.

I don't know any easy solution. My spouse certainly would prefer not to be obese - but also makes choices I find confounding and (frankly) sometimes infuriating. Is on weight loss drugs (for diabetes) - they have yet to lead to any weight loss - and all kinds of other meds, which, thankfully, do seem to be working.

I try to look at this as a medical issue - I would not divorce my spouse over cancer, I'm not going to divorce my spouse over obesity. But I really also do get frustrated when they are ordering the largest and most sugary drinks at Starbucks, and sneaking a trip through the drive-thru, and eating cookies all the time, and sitting on the couch for hours and hours.

I also recognize that while I can encourage good eating, and encourage some movement, none of this is in my control.

The obesity is a medical issue, yes, but it is caused by lifestyle choices. As you describe here.

I'm the PP - and it's not just one or the other. They come from a family of seriously overweight people - there is a genetic factor. Plus a metabolic disorder. The last time my spouse was a normal weight - and even then they were overweight - they were virtually anorexic.

There are, of course, so many things they could do to mitigate. But only very thin people - and I count myself among them - can possibly think that a little less eating, a little more exercise, would make the whole difference.

If he comes from a family of seriously overweight people there may be a genetic factor. BUT- more likely- is a bad habits factor that was learned in the family.

Did someone cook healthy meals for the kids? Did the parents model exercise behaviors? Was taking care of personal health a family value? We’re kids rewarded with junk food “treats?”

More likely than not, this explains obesity in adults that come from overweight families. It’s still a lifestyle issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:50 pounds for a guy isn't that bad.

Yes, it is. 50 pounds overweight is bad for anyone.

No. Women can't have bellies men can ad it's a sign of wealth

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:the heat attack thing never works bc the person can easily observe reality - tons of people who are carrying an extra 50 pounds are just fine

If you find him unattractive bc you view home as lazy or weak for being overweight you need to accept that and deal with your feelings

OP here. He is on three medications for his heart and lipids. He is at very high risk for HA / MI. Per his cardiologist. He had a great deal of plaque and multivessel disease. He found out about this three years ago when he turned 50. I thought this would be a wake up call. It wasn't. He just gained weight and i forgot to mention, picked up an occasional nicotine habit. Its bad.. I'm upset and angry. He does exercise a lot though.

well Op I lost 80 lbs and am now a normal BMI

I still have high blood pressure and have to take meds to control it and I have the beginning of heart disease. Once I lost the weight doctors suddenly changed to these things are often genetic and won’t matter how much weight you lose ….

It’s not that your DH shouldn’t lose weight but you should understand more about heart diseases and realize that it’s not all about weight

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When a spouse has an addiction, to booze, drugs, risky behaviors, sugar, processed food, everyday life feels like watching them play Russian roulette with not only their life but the marriage and family bonds too, and finances as so many have raised.

Whether it's undiagnosed mental illness, trauma, dopamine issues, etc. it all gets avoided by life shortening behaviors.

I know this is taking a toll on all of us who are loved ones.

Having lived with a family member who is 50 lbs overweight (mom) and another family member who was an alcoholic, these are NOT the same thing at all. They don’t have the same effect on the family, on finances, on work, on the person’s health, nothing.

Being overweight doesn’t cause people to do or say stupid things. People don’t put themselves or family members in imminently dangerous situations (like driving drunk) due to obesity. There is NO WAY these are at all the same category of thing.

I will say that this insane narrative does have the spouses on this thread acting crazy. OP and a few others could probably benefit from reading a little about codependency or some ala-non literature.
I mean, searching through his belongings to find wrappers and looking through your credit card bill for vending machine charges is kind of crazy. You need to let that stuff go.

How do you know anyone is searching through belongings? I'm one of the spouses you're calling crazy - and I see the wrappers in the car, or in the garbage when I am taking out the trash. You know things about a person when you live with them. I find their cookie stashes sometimes while looking for something else.

We have separate ccs but if I were paying both our bills of course I'd see the charges.

Okay then. You clearly aren’t monitoring another person’s behavior and attempting to control them.

Do you live with any other human beings? I'm thinking you don't.,

And what we are all saying here is that you CAN'T control the other person.

But you have all the answers! Go write a book. I'm sure it'll be a big hit.

Yes.
I don’t know if you read my post that you quoted. I have lived with someone who was obese and someone who was an addict.
I feel like the general culture is conflating these two things, like obesity is somehow akin to heroin addiction, and it’s got to be crazy making for a spouse.

There are lots of books and movies on codependency. It might be worthwhile to read one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When a spouse has an addiction, to booze, drugs, risky behaviors, sugar, processed food, everyday life feels like watching them play Russian roulette with not only their life but the marriage and family bonds too, and finances as so many have raised.

Whether it's undiagnosed mental illness, trauma, dopamine issues, etc. it all gets avoided by life shortening behaviors.

I know this is taking a toll on all of us who are loved ones.

Having lived with a family member who is 50 lbs overweight (mom) and another family member who was an alcoholic, these are NOT the same thing at all. They don’t have the same effect on the family, on finances, on work, on the person’s health, nothing.

Being overweight doesn’t cause people to do or say stupid things. People don’t put themselves or family members in imminently dangerous situations (like driving drunk) due to obesity. There is NO WAY these are at all the same category of thing.

I will say that this insane narrative does have the spouses on this thread acting crazy. OP and a few others could probably benefit from reading a little about codependency or some ala-non literature.
I mean, searching through his belongings to find wrappers and looking through your credit card bill for vending machine charges is kind of crazy. You need to let that stuff go.

How do you know anyone is searching through belongings? I'm one of the spouses you're calling crazy - and I see the wrappers in the car, or in the garbage when I am taking out the trash. You know things about a person when you live with them. I find their cookie stashes sometimes while looking for something else.

We have separate ccs but if I were paying both our bills of course I'd see the charges.

OP here. Any wrappers I've found and junk food I've never did anything. We all have weaknesses . The difference between me and him is if there is a bag of chips I can have one or two servings and forget about the bag for two weeks. My dh polishes it off in two short days. I don't buy that stuff. He does. I clean out the cars and find wrappers. I pay thr household bills and check joint cc for charges. That's how I saw it. The multiple daily vending charges. Again I didn't say anything. I've tried to be supportive and when he brings up his weight or goals I say yes I'm on board, what can I cook or how can I help. My dh exercises at the gym three times a week religiously. He eats my healthy food that I cook. But he engages in other unhealthy lifestyle choices. He justifies his behavior bc he exercises routinely and eats healthy dinners. He thinks that gives him a free pass for everything.