Obese spouse...I'm tired of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing you can do. My close co-worker's husband (late 40s) just had a heart attack due to his lifestyle. it's put pressure on her to continue caring for their two young children (9 and 5, I believe) and she's really irritated about it. She's had to miss work, stretch herself, and take a financial hit since he is an hourly worker (electrician). There is impact to you. Hopefully you have life insurance on him from when you were younger.

The only advice I have is to share how this impacts YOU. Ultimately, though, he has to want to change. I'm sorry, it sucks.

This. Make sure you are upgrading your health insurance through work. Get as good of coverage as you can because those bills can be huge, especially towards the end!

[Anonymous]

The weight and the heart attack risk are separate, FYI. There are genetic conditions that increase your risk of heart attack.

If he is working out and not losing weight then he needs to discuss with his endocrinologist. Is he on metformin?

[Anonymous]

Ozempic!

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP. I’ve been in your shoes. My DH had two heart attacks and stents put in, and still did not change. Then he had a stroke and is now permanently brain damaged as well as partially paralyzed. Your husband needs to prioritize his health. He is a ticking time bomb and if he winds up with a serious health outcome, your life and your children’s lives could be ruined. Your DH is shirking a serious responsibility to his family. If I’d known then what I know now, I would have divorced. In your shoes I’d give him an ultimatum.

[Anonymous]

My suggestion to you is that you kindly think of exercising that you can do together.

Doctors suggest one hour of exercise per day to lose weight.

Could you get him to commit to walk with you each day or maybe exercise in front of the t.v. for one hour?

I know it might seem unfair to you, but ask yourself if you would do it for one of your children.

Maybe you can find a way to make exercise time a positive, bond-building "we" experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems like the perfect candidate for Wegovy

I agree. I just don’t think it’s reasonable to expect someone who is struggling so much to change on their own.

I also don’t think the doctors are doing him a big service by lecturing him. It would be nice if just knowing you need to make changes actually led to making changes but that’s often now how human nature works. It’s not like your husband doesn’t know he should lose weight and eat healthier. There is this cycle where someone hears a lecture, decides to make changes which are actually unsustainable and just set them up for failure, and they go into a shame cycle. overweight people often deal shame with by eating more, punishing themselves or saying eff you to the world by eating more. It’s a mental/emotional problem, not a cognitive problem.

Anyway, OP, sorry you’re dealing with this. And don’t feel bad for not being attracted to him. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]I’m sorry, OP. I’ve been in your shoes. My DH had two heart attacks and stents put in, and still did not change. Then he had a stroke and is now permanently brain damaged as well as partially paralyzed. Your husband needs to prioritize his health. He is a ticking time bomb and if he winds up with a serious health outcome, your life and your children’s lives could be ruined. Your DH is shirking a serious responsibility to his family. If I’d known then what I know now, I would have divorced. In your shoes I’d give him an ultimatum. [/quote]


I’m sorry, pp. That sounds like a lot to go through.

Do you think that your husband would have had better medical care if he had been thinner or had a better job?

[Anonymous]

OP - be real about your own boundaries. You cannot force him to do anything, but you do not need to remain married to him or have sex or cook for him or anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My suggestion to you is that you kindly think of exercising that you can do together.

Doctors suggest one hour of exercise per day to lose weight.

Could you get him to commit to walk with you each day or maybe exercise in front of the t.v. for one hour?

I know it might seem unfair to you, but ask yourself if you would do it for one of your children.

Maybe you can find a way to make exercise time a positive, bond-building "we" experience.

Exercise is great, and has so many health benefits and if OP and her husband did it together it could strengthen their marriage. But look at the data; when other factors are accounted for, exercise doesn’t lead to weight loss. Your body wants to stay at a set weight, so people just tend to get hungrier and eat more when they work out.

Small, sustainable changes in diet is the best for weight loss, but that’s really hard because it means consistently making better choices without seeing much of a difference for a long time.

[Anonymous]

Also, remember that BMI is a flawed measure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:the heat attack thing never works bc the person can easily observe reality - tons of people who are carrying an extra 50 pounds are just fine

If you find him unattractive bc you view home as lazy or weak for being overweight you need to accept that and deal with your feelings

OP here. He is on three medications for his heart and lipids. He is at very high risk for HA / MI. Per his cardiologist. He had a great deal of plaque and multivessel disease. He found out about this three years ago when he turned 50. I thought this would be a wake up call. It wasn't. He just gained weight and i forgot to mention, picked up an occasional nicotine habit. Its bad.. I'm upset and angry. He does exercise a lot though.

Nicotine makes insulin resistance worse, and IR is the driver of the heart and liver issues and the prediabetes.

This book has worked for a few people I know when nothing else had, the author runs a metabolic health clinic at Duke. It really controls hunger so it may be easier for him + it is very simple and straightforward to follow. Alas, you cannot out exercise a bad diet. The approach should also improve his health conditions, the author talks about deprescribing medications as people progress.

https://www.amazon.com/End-Your-Carb-Confusion-Customize/dp/1628604298

Have you had an honest conversation about your fears for his health? That plus a workable route out of the status quo may do the trick?

Sugar can be very addictive, like nicotine, that plus the exercise can all be dopamine seeking. It's possible to dig oneself an early grave with a fork or spoon or candy bars, just like drinking or other self destructive or risky behavior. Excruciating to watch as a loved one. OP, you may want to check out some Al Anon principles re: detaching with love, the stress combined with the feelings of powerlessness can be bad for your health as well. Does he have childhood abuse or other unaddressed issues? That might also be beneficial.

To the PP, it's possible to see someone obese as unattractive just for that reason, without all the character interpretations you raise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing you can do. My close co-worker's husband (late 40s) just had a heart attack due to his lifestyle. it's put pressure on her to continue caring for their two young children (9 and 5, I believe) and she's really irritated about it. She's had to miss work, stretch herself, and take a financial hit since he is an hourly worker (electrician). There is impact to you. Hopefully you have life insurance on him from when you were younger.

The only advice I have is to share how this impacts YOU. Ultimately, though, he has to want to change. I'm sorry, it sucks.

This. Make sure you are upgrading your health insurance through work. Get as good of coverage as you can because those bills can be huge, especially towards the end!

Might be a good idea to divorce even if on paper? To not be liable?

[Anonymous]

Sadly, at this point most overweight spouses will not change no matter what. My wife is 40lb overweight and has high cholesterol and close to high blood sugar. Doctors have told her to change her ways. She has been eating a little better, but still won't work out even though she's a SAHM and our one kid is in school.

She keeps talking about losing weight and how looks are important, but she won't change and after years I've accepted that she will not.

I am under 10% body fat because I run and road bike regularly. This is also reason it's hard for me because she's overweight and I'm not. Also, it sets a very bad example for our kid. I wish she would change but she won't.

OP, at your point you need to accept it.

[Anonymous]

Look let’s not beat around the bush with all the “bmi can be wrong” and “obesity can be attractive” stuff and see it for what it is.
The husband is an adult and the wife can’t tell him what to do.
Her responsibility is to shield herself and the kids from the fallout.
She needs to make sure they are financially protected in case of his demise.

[Anonymous]

OP, look into https://www.virtahealth.com/ They have very good results and some people are highly motivated by the CGM and monitoring. See if you have coverage for it with his diagnoses. I'd say that you fear losing him and that he needs expert help, which they offer.