Obese spouse...I'm tired of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you do activities with him that get him moving.

The OP has mentioned a few times that the guy is a former athlete and lifts hard and does pretty intense aerobic classes a few times a week.

What makes you think he isn’t moving?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Look let’s not beat around the bush with all the “bmi can be wrong” and “obesity can be attractive” stuff and see it for what it is.
The husband is an adult and the wife can’t tell him what to do.
Her responsibility is to shield herself and the kids from the fallout.
She needs to make sure they are financially protected in case of his demise.

As someone married to an obese spouse, I'll tell you on top of all the worry it's also very hard to get life insurance for someone at that weight/with these health issues.

I don't know any easy solution. My spouse certainly would prefer not to be obese - but also makes choices I find confounding and (frankly) sometimes infuriating. Is on weight loss drugs (for diabetes) - they have yet to lead to any weight loss - and all kinds of other meds, which, thankfully, do seem to be working.

I try to look at this as a medical issue - I would not divorce my spouse over cancer, I'm not going to divorce my spouse over obesity. But I really also do get frustrated when they are ordering the largest and most sugary drinks at Starbucks, and sneaking a trip through the drive-thru, and eating cookies all the time, and sitting on the couch for hours and hours.

I also recognize that while I can encourage good eating, and encourage some movement, none of this is in my control.

The obesity is a medical issue, yes, but it is caused by lifestyle choices. As you describe here.

I'm the PP - and it's not just one or the other. They come from a family of seriously overweight people - there is a genetic factor. Plus a metabolic disorder. The last time my spouse was a normal weight - and even then they were overweight - they were virtually anorexic.

There are, of course, so many things they could do to mitigate. But only very thin people - and I count myself among them - can possibly think that a little less eating, a little more exercise, would make the whole difference.

+1

I don't think it's just genetic, it is family traditions of eating passed down generations. I know my obese spouse's family has terrible eating habits. Even worse, his mom thinks her cooking is the best, yet her husband had a slew of diseases related to lifestyle and eating behavior. She does not even suspect she and the overall national food culture are part of the problem.

It’s amazing how much you know about the cause of your FIL’s medical problems.
We should stop doing any research at all and just ask you.

I had 4 miscarriages in my twenties. Do you know what caused them? Do you think I ate too many carbs?

This is a hysterical reaction on your part, no logic at all. There is proven connection between sedentary lifestyle and poor eating habits and diseases we've been discussing.

Jumping from apples to oranges proves your point how? If you have a point.

Truly, miscarriage is something very traumatic. I am sorry you had to go through it. It's somewhat related but I was infertile for a decade and got pregnant only after I changed my diet. Not that this is established scientific knowledge--they'd rather have you use assistive reproductive technologies, but yes, diet is important. So is stress, so is physical activity. You are just entering a new subject here. As I said, connections between poor lifestyle choices and main health indicators are pretty solidly established.

Even if there is a proven connection between eating fried food and the multiple diseases that her FIL has, that doesn’t mean that this is what caused it in HIM.
Right?

It sounds like you think that my diet is what caused the miscarriages? Or stress? Not the Factor V Leiden deficiency that runs in my family?

I’m not triggered. This is just stupid. It’s clearly a reason for pp to look down on her FIL.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:the heat attack thing never works bc the person can easily observe reality - tons of people who are carrying an extra 50 pounds are just fine

If you find him unattractive bc you view home as lazy or weak for being overweight you need to accept that and deal with your feelings

OP here. He is on three medications for his heart and lipids. He is at very high risk for HA / MI. Per his cardiologist. He had a great deal of plaque and multivessel disease. He found out about this three years ago when he turned 50. I thought this would be a wake up call. It wasn't. He just gained weight and i forgot to mention, picked up an occasional nicotine habit. Its bad.. I'm upset and angry. He does exercise a lot though.

well Op I lost 80 lbs and am now a normal BMI

I still have high blood pressure and have to take meds to control it and I have the beginning of heart disease. Once I lost the weight doctors suddenly changed to these things are often genetic and won’t matter how much weight you lose ….

It’s not that your DH shouldn’t lose weight but you should understand more about heart diseases and realize that it’s not all about weight

o


No it’s not all about weight - but it is hugely influenced by diet. Lots of healthy weight people develop heart disease because of what they eat - and of course smoking is huge.

If you have heart disease and don’t smoke, you can begin reversing that heart disease within weeks by following something close to the Pritikin plan for diet - ditch the sugar and saturated fats and eat tons of plants. The research on this is incontrovertible, but the majority of people don’t want to make the commitment to substantial lifestyle changes and prefer to live with the anxiety about when and whether it will be a massive coronary or a massive stroke.

We are all waiting to see this incontrovertible research that following the Pritkin plan reduces the incidence of heart attacks and strokes in people with diabetes and heart disease.

Are you kidding? How old are you? It’s common knowledge that Pritikin works, in the people willing to make the commitment and stick to it.

The federal government recognizes the efficacy of Pritikin in reversing heart disease.

https://www.cms.gov/medicare-coverage-database/view/ncacal-decision-memo.aspx?proposed=N&NCAId=239&bc=AiAAAAAAAgAAAA%3D%3D&.

Go pick another fight elsewhere, you’re not winning this one.

I’m 43 and graduated from medical school in 2006.

I just did a quick google search of the Pritkin plan and found this:

“The Pritikin Diet: Discredited By Medicine But Now Endorsed By Your Federal Government!”

https://theskepticalcardiologist.com/2015/11/29/the-pritikin-diet-discredited-by-medicine-but-now-endorsed-by-your-federal-government/?amp=1

What you are is a liar and internet contrarian.

It isn't even a question among cardiologists that the Pritikin Plan works, that the China Study is valid and that there is a clear path to reserve heart disease.

The only issue is that so many patients won't care for themselves, just like OP's husband.

But please, do carry on lying and denying decades of scientific studies.

[Anonymous]

I don't think the nature v. nurture debate is relevant to OP's situation, but in case anyone is curious about genetics and weight:

"Although changes in the environment have undoubtedly driven the rapid increase in prevalence, obesity results from an interaction between environmental and innate biological factors. Crucially, there is a strong genetic component underlying the large interindividual variation in body weight that determines people’s response to this ‘obesogenic’ environment. Twin, family and adoption studies have estimated the heritability of obesity to be between 40% and 70%9,10. As a consequence, genetic approaches can be leveraged to characterize the underlying physiological and molecular mechanisms that control body weight."

https://www.nature.com/articles/s41576-021-00414-z

"“This research shows for the first time that healthy thin people are generally thin because they have a lower burden of genes that increase a person’s chances of being overweight and not because they are morally superior, as some people like to suggest,” says Professor Farooqi. “It’s easy to rush to judgement and criticise people for their weight, but the science shows that things are far more complex. We have far less control over our weight than we might wish to think.”"

https://www.cam.ac.uk/research/news/slim-people-have-a-genetic-advantage-when-it-comes-to-maintaining-their-weight

"Genetic and environmental factors interact to regulate body weight. Overall, the heritability of obesity is estimated at 40% to 70%. More than 244 genes have been found to strongly affect adiposity when overexpressed or deleted in mice. These genes can be considered in four broad categories: regulation of food intake by molecular signalling in the hypothalamus and hindbrain by signals originating in adipose tissue, gut and other organs; regulation of adipocyte differentiation and fat storage; regulation of spontaneous exercise activity; and effect on basal and postprandial thermogenesis. Rare variants in the coding sequences of major candidate genes account for an obese phenotype in 5% to 10% of individuals."

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2787002/

[Anonymous]

Also, in case anyone is curious about why people don't change their mind when confonted with facts so they won't care that the scientific consensus is that there is a massive genetic component to weight:

https://today.uconn.edu/2022/08/cognitive-biases-and-brain-biology-help-explain-why-facts-dont-change-minds-2/

"Being presented with facts – whether via the news, social media or one-on-one conversations – that suggest their current beliefs are wrong causes people to feel threatened. This reaction is particularly strong when the beliefs in question are aligned with your political and personal identities. It can feel like an attack on you if one of your strongly held beliefs is challenged.

"Confronting facts that don’t line up with your worldview may trigger a “backfire effect,” which can end up strengthening your original position and beliefs, particularly with politically charged issues. Researchers have identified this phenomenon in a number of studies, including ones about opinions toward climate change mitigation policies and attitudes toward childhood vaccinations."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:the heat attack thing never works bc the person can easily observe reality - tons of people who are carrying an extra 50 pounds are just fine

If you find him unattractive bc you view home as lazy or weak for being overweight you need to accept that and deal with your feelings

OP here. He is on three medications for his heart and lipids. He is at very high risk for HA / MI. Per his cardiologist. He had a great deal of plaque and multivessel disease. He found out about this three years ago when he turned 50. I thought this would be a wake up call. It wasn't. He just gained weight and i forgot to mention, picked up an occasional nicotine habit. Its bad.. I'm upset and angry. He does exercise a lot though.

well Op I lost 80 lbs and am now a normal BMI

I still have high blood pressure and have to take meds to control it and I have the beginning of heart disease. Once I lost the weight doctors suddenly changed to these things are often genetic and won’t matter how much weight you lose ….

It’s not that your DH shouldn’t lose weight but you should understand more about heart diseases and realize that it’s not all about weight

o


No it’s not all about weight - but it is hugely influenced by diet. Lots of healthy weight people develop heart disease because of what they eat - and of course smoking is huge.

If you have heart disease and don’t smoke, you can begin reversing that heart disease within weeks by following something close to the Pritikin plan for diet - ditch the sugar and saturated fats and eat tons of plants. The research on this is incontrovertible, but the majority of people don’t want to make the commitment to substantial lifestyle changes and prefer to live with the anxiety about when and whether it will be a massive coronary or a massive stroke.

We are all waiting to see this incontrovertible research that following the Pritkin plan reduces the incidence of heart attacks and strokes in people with diabetes and heart disease.

Are you kidding? How old are you? It’s common knowledge that Pritikin works, in the people willing to make the commitment and stick to it.

The federal government recognizes the efficacy of Pritikin in reversing heart disease.

https://www.cms.gov/medicare-coverage-database/view/ncacal-decision-memo.aspx?proposed=N&NCAId=239&bc=AiAAAAAAAgAAAA%3D%3D&.

Go pick another fight elsewhere, you’re not winning this one.

I’m 43 and graduated from medical school in 2006.

I just did a quick google search of the Pritkin plan and found this:

“The Pritikin Diet: Discredited By Medicine But Now Endorsed By Your Federal Government!”

https://theskepticalcardiologist.com/2015/11/29/the-pritikin-diet-discredited-by-medicine-but-now-endorsed-by-your-federal-government/?amp=1

https://www.latimes.com/archives/la-xpm-1985-07-04-vw-9280-story.html

The Esselstyn Heart Disease Program at the Cleveland Clinic is basically just another version of Pritikin. Also incredibly effective, the results just in the Esselstyn family are undeniable and many patients have also reversed heart disease over the years by following the program. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/departments/wellness/integrative/esselstyn-program

You either just hate veggies, or you are one of the many idiot doctors who know virtually nothing about nutritional biochemistry and the origin of disease, you are just buried in your knowledge about what pills to throw at the symptoms and what excuses to foster in your patients because the truth makes for a conversation that is too hard and you just don't really give a damn about them other than to check the box and bill their insurance for another 'well' visit on another year that their health deteriorates under your care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So relatable except my dh needs to lose 100lbs, and yes, heart disease, stents, high blood pressure, cholesterol, all the usual conditions. But fret not, he spends hundreds of dollars a year on useless herbs/vitamins. So he’s wasting his health and his money. Nothing you can do, help where you can but it’s in their heads where the work truly needs done and that leaves you out. It was after his mother died the weight really came on. Ruining today’s relationships while ruminating about past ones. Fun times. I’m thinking divorce at this point but I’m selfish and most of my life is good, why implode it? Side note, yes we have sex, limited positions and it’s physically difficult for me, that’s a lot of weight I’m dealing with, if those complications won’t motivate action nothing will!

You are cold as ice. I feel terrible for your DH. How do people get saddled with these sociopath spouses?

[Anonymous]

OP, the nicotine is really not helpful for the prediabetes, does he seem concerned about that number at all?

Living with someone who is eating themselves into health problems is excruciating. I found I had to learn to care less what happened to them. Obviously not what I wanted my marriage to be like.

If there is any way to get him into therapy, a friend's DH had BED and when underlying trauma was addressed and he gained better emotional regulation skills, he did lose weight. Sometimes treating ADHD leads to better dopamine and impulsivity. Mine spouse won't consider an eval despite one of the kids having ADHD, so I have dropped it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So relatable except my dh needs to lose 100lbs, and yes, heart disease, stents, high blood pressure, cholesterol, all the usual conditions. But fret not, he spends hundreds of dollars a year on useless herbs/vitamins. So he’s wasting his health and his money. Nothing you can do, help where you can but it’s in their heads where the work truly needs done and that leaves you out. It was after his mother died the weight really came on. Ruining today’s relationships while ruminating about past ones. Fun times. I’m thinking divorce at this point but I’m selfish and most of my life is good, why implode it? Side note, yes we have sex, limited positions and it’s physically difficult for me, that’s a lot of weight I’m dealing with, if those complications won’t motivate action nothing will!

You are cold as ice. I feel terrible for your DH. How do people get saddled with these sociopath spouses?

NP. My spouse has gained 250 lbs, showers 3 times per month max, and does absolutely nothing other than sit, watch TV, and eat. You better believe I’m planning to divorce. Then he will be all yours.

[Anonymous]

I gained a ton of weight over my late 30s and 40s and find myself in my early 50s working on major dietary and lifestyle changes to become a heavy plant eater who moves her body on the regular.

I've had undiagnosed BED for most of my life, I have clear memories of binge eating certain foods as a preschooler. It was tied to childhood trauma - feeding the hungry heart and blocking out uncomfortable thoughts.

I have to work on utilizing substitute behavioral strategies all the time and always will I expect - I just hope it will get easier with time, but I suspect it will always depend on my mood, present conditions in my life, etc.

I am become very focused on self care - good quality sleep, light box with green tea and walnuts (brain foods!) every morning, stretching, walking outdoors, weight lifting, eating really healthy most of the time which means reduced hunger. My gut is rebalanced and it honestly works like those weight loss drugs - your rebalanced happy gut drives positive mood (95% of serotonin is actually produced in the gut, not the brain), reduces food thinking, and naturally stimulates GLP-1 which reduces food urges.

OP I am sad about your situation and I don't think you are heartless. It is hard to watch someone let themselves fall into poor health - I watched myself do it to me and I was very frustrated and sad about it. Some of my going off the cliff was related to a very bad perimenopause and a longtime undiagnosed vitamin deficiency, but I was definitely eating garbage and lots of it and that was a primary cause. Your husband needs therapy for the ??? (probably childhood trauma) that is driving his overeating.

Has he ever worked out his ACE score? https://developingchild.harvard.edu/media-coverage/take-the-ace-quiz-and-learn-what-it-does-and-doesnt-mean/

[Anonymous]

OP, this is what worked for me to lose a significant amount of weight, keep it off, and reverse pre-diabetes. Would he be willing to read or listen? https://www.amazon.com/Obesity-Code-Unlocking-Secrets-Weight/dp/1771641258/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

After my health was in a better place I did go to therapy and work on childhood trauma, which also helped. But, when I was in BED mode and having reactive hypos that felt like panic attacks, it was too much to contemplate and I don't think I would have been available in the same way.

My brother is now full blown diabetic. He reminds me of how you describe DH, he always ate a lot of chips, beer, etc. but was extremely active. To him if he kept weight down he could eat whatever. But then the health issues started despite exercise. It was clear that exercise was not achieving the health goals and he was gaining, but he did not have the tools to deal with self destructive behaviors re: starch, sugar and booze. He shares my childhood trauma experiences. but has never addressed it. He lost some weight but refused a CGM or to do Virta Health as his doctor recommended and he is facing vision issues from the diabetes. As the saying goes, you can't outrun a bad diet.

Best wishes to those dealing with these issues themselves or in loved ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look let’s not beat around the bush with all the “bmi can be wrong” and “obesity can be attractive” stuff and see it for what it is.
The husband is an adult and the wife can’t tell him what to do.
Her responsibility is to shield herself and the kids from the fallout.
She needs to make sure they are financially protected in case of his demise.

As someone married to an obese spouse, I'll tell you on top of all the worry it's also very hard to get life insurance for someone at that weight/with these health issues.

I don't know any easy solution. My spouse certainly would prefer not to be obese - but also makes choices I find confounding and (frankly) sometimes infuriating. Is on weight loss drugs (for diabetes) - they have yet to lead to any weight loss - and all kinds of other meds, which, thankfully, do seem to be working.

I try to look at this as a medical issue - I would not divorce my spouse over cancer, I'm not going to divorce my spouse over obesity. But I really also do get frustrated when they are ordering the largest and most sugary drinks at Starbucks, and sneaking a trip through the drive-thru, and eating cookies all the time, and sitting on the couch for hours and hours.

I also recognize that while I can encourage good eating, and encourage some movement, none of this is in my control.

I am sorry you are going through this.
I hope you find ways to do damage control for you and the kids

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I could never stay married to an obese partner who did not want to look after themselves. My libido would plummet quickly. Sure, taking drugs or getting lipo are options, but does that really change someone’s lifestyle to stay active and in shape? I want to be with someone who is motivated by life, and being active is part of it. Don’t you want me to be able to move at 60 plus if we actually make it to that age?

OP said that her husband is active and works out at a gym regularly.
He’s gained 40lbs in 30 years. It’s not like he is living his 600lb life.

Sure, but what does that workout entail? Are they actually doing hard lifting and cardio? We are no spring chickens anymore but we can at least do our best to stay in shape.

+1 am also curious if he even breaks a sweat or gets his pulse up for longer than one minute.

OP here. The workouts he does now are strength ad cardio classes. He does 3 classes a week and likes the structure of a guided workout. Spin, strength, core, heavy weight, room. He's one of the biggest guys in the classes. He also plays tennis 2-3 times a month. I don't think exercise helps with weight loss. Can't outrun a bad diet. He's been consistently working out for 10 plus years.

This sounds like my spouse who was skinny as a teen and young adult and who for decades would "treat himself" to a milkshake or whatever junk after any physical activity. Which means he'd easily consume twice whatever calories he just burned.

He's so smart in so many areas but has a blind spot for what I think is obvious nutrition-wise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a skinny man married to an obese spouse. Regardless of your good intentions, you MUST very careful how you address the issue of weight with obese wives. Obese men will listen to their wives and won’t be offended. The obese wife on the other hand will blow up at you.

And the world won’t end! Imagine that. Honestly people should just start leaving in cases like that. And I say this as 20-30lb overweight woman

[Anonymous]

OP, does DH have sleep apnea? If so, treating it can both improve health and make weight loss easier. High cortisol from stress and poor sleep has a lot of metabolic effects. A neighbor did Cross Fit and prepared diet meals and struggled, but when he got a CPAP he lost @ 50 lbs doing the same things that had not worked before. Reaching for sugar can also be common with apnea and poor sleep quality. Some people are more willing to engage re: something like that and it can start things moving in a + direction.