Married 14 years- Just Learned of Cheating in Year 5

[Anonymous]

How do we know he didn’t cheat other times that OP doesn’t know about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry.

+1 Did he tell you, OP, or did you find out some other way? Does he know you know?

He did not tell me. Over the weekend we were at a party that had some of his college friends there. One of them was talking about an upcoming trip to Tulum Mexico. He asked my husband if the area they were going to stay in was the right area. He hemmed and hawed and told him he was confusing him with someone else as he had never been there. It was awkward enough that the guy stopped pressing but I knew something was up. He took her there for a trip when he was supposedly in Miami on work travel. He confessed everything.

What is up with this college friend? What a sh**-stirrer. He is going to need to drop this person immediately.

The "friend" is not nearly as much of a problem as H. I'd be glad to know, courtesy of the buddy.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you work? Do you have kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If that revelation happened to me I would immediately suspect there were other incidents of cheating also. It is highly unlikely he cheated for six months with an ex GF and then stopped and never cheated again after having totally gotten away with it.

I would not start trying to catch him at it or find evidence however. I would see a counselor for myself and try to figure out whether I wanted to be married to this guy.

+1

Meh, I actually think that the fact that it was someone he already knew means it could have been a single incident of cheating (not that he slept with her once, but that she was the only one he has cheated with).

That doesn't make it much better, and I'm so sorry, OP. I can't even imagine how sick I would feel if I learned that.

I agree. OP, don’t listen to people here. Sounds like he had some “what if” questions early in your marriage about one specific person, which is consistent with the timeline in which people lost the fantasy and start to think about “did I make the right decision.” And he stopped it / it ended and he stayed with you. If he has been a good husband and father go to counseling alone and together but let it go. He chose you. He chose your family. People are not perfect. Especially men. If he’s otherwise a keeper, keep him. Not saying it will be the same but this is part of growing up sometimes.

The problem is, how does OP know that it was just that one fling, and there were no other incidents after, or even to come?

Once a cheater, always a cheater?

This is the problem I would have if my DH cheated on me. I would never be able to trust him ever again. And he knows that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Putting the most positive face on this, it seems likely that he got it out of his system and you "won".

Anyone that cheats like that is a promise-breaker and might do it again.

That doesn't mean you have to divorce.

You need to line up marital counseling that is objective - neither pro-reconciliation nor pro-divorce.

Don't catastrophize. Honor your feelings of sadness and betrayal. Your husband owes you full disclosure.

Do not contact or seek out the social media of the OW. She is morally reprehensible as well and you will get no peace from contacting her or seeking out details about her. She is not your concern.

I'm sorry for your hurt. Be brave.

I think this is a great response, but I would also seek a consult with an attorney about what a divorce would look like for you, and what a postnuptial agreement could look like for you. You should consider options in an informed way.

Agreed.

At a minimum, put together a practical exit plan. If you’re a SAHP, find a job and keep it while you explore your options. I would not rely on someone like this economically. It’s scary enough to do this even when cheating isn’t present or has not been before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she hotter than you?

You are an insensitive idiot.

I really hope that no woman has hooked her wagon to the likes of you.

I bet he looks like Elon Musk but is poorer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this may be a time to flip the script. What about cooking DH a wonderful steak (with all the fixin's) and presenting him with a bottle of expensive, top-shelf whiskey?

She’s not a whore. We can already tell from the first post.

Can’t you afford one? Or do you not know where to find them?

[Anonymous]

This is not a big deal but don't let your husband think this. He must understand this has shaken you. Do not make any decisions/conclusions right now, and most certainly do not tell him. He must see you as hurt, shaken and uncertain. It is in your best interest to project strategic uncertainty as your feelings settle down. It will take some time. Some distance would be great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Putting the most positive face on this, it seems likely that he got it out of his system and you "won".

Anyone that cheats like that is a promise-breaker and might do it again.

That doesn't mean you have to divorce.

You need to line up marital counseling that is objective - neither pro-reconciliation nor pro-divorce.

Don't catastrophize. Honor your feelings of sadness and betrayal. Your husband owes you full disclosure.

Do not contact or seek out the social media of the OW. She is morally reprehensible as well and you will get no peace from contacting her or seeking out details about her. She is not your concern.

I'm sorry for your hurt. Be brave.

This is the best advice. Don't make a rash decision and don't ignore your feelings. And don't listen to folks on here that project their own relationship issues and advocate divorce at the first sign of trouble. It's a big deal, it shouldn't be swept under the rug, but you have to look at what "could" be an isolated period of time against the totality of your marriage, life and family. If it truly was a limited situation, be hurt and distrusting but don't rush to uproot everything else. I'd suggest reading the thread about "when is divorce worth it" to get perspective on when it makes sense to divorce. That's a decision you make only when things are unsafe or you know with certainty you'll be happier alone than married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do we know he didn’t cheat other times that OP doesn’t know about?

This.
It doesn’t look good, OP. There maybe more women that you don’t know about. Get your ducks in a row, gather evidence of cheating, custody plan if there are kids, get assets and your finance in order. Then if/when you decide to bail, pull the trigger and file for a divorce. Shock and awe!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If that revelation happened to me I would immediately suspect there were other incidents of cheating also. It is highly unlikely he cheated for six months with an ex GF and then stopped and never cheated again after having totally gotten away with it.

I would not start trying to catch him at it or find evidence however. I would see a counselor for myself and try to figure out whether I wanted to be married to this guy.

+1

Meh, I actually think that the fact that it was someone he already knew means it could have been a single incident of cheating (not that he slept with her once, but that she was the only one he has cheated with).

That doesn't make it much better, and I'm so sorry, OP. I can't even imagine how sick I would feel if I learned that.

I agree. OP, don’t listen to people here. Sounds like he had some “what if” questions early in your marriage about one specific person, which is consistent with the timeline in which people lost the fantasy and start to think about “did I make the right decision.” And he stopped it / it ended and he stayed with you. If he has been a good husband and father go to counseling alone and together but let it go. He chose you. He chose your family. People are not perfect. Especially men. If he’s otherwise a keeper, keep him. Not saying it will be the same but this is part of growing up sometimes.

If all women were like you men would behave sooooo badly.

[Anonymous]

Somebody said "he owes you full disclosure"

Problem with that is you will never know the extent of the betrayals, it is impossible to actually know what full disclosure even consists of. It doesn't matter what he says, you will never know. He could have cheated yesterday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not a big deal but don't let your husband think this. He must understand this has shaken you. Do not make any decisions/conclusions right now, and most certainly do not tell him. He must see you as hurt, shaken and uncertain. It is in your best interest to project strategic uncertainty as your feelings settle down. It will take some time. Some distance would be great.

This is a dam big deal and if he were mine he’d be put on his ass

He lied full stop

[Anonymous]

A friend recalls that he went to Tulim and asks advice, when the trip was 9 years ago? It doesn’t seem realistic. You ask advice when someone traveled somewhere fairly recently. The ex gf story could be an attempt to bury this in the deep past. If this is real, check his passport.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Somebody said "he owes you full disclosure"

Problem with that is you will never know the extent of the betrayals, it is impossible to actually know what full disclosure even consists of. It doesn't matter what he says, you will never know. He could have cheated yesterday.

That's what I said up thread.. how can you ever really trust such a person that they are being truthful about it being just that one incident, that they didn't cheat again after that, or that they will do it again.

All trust has been lost.