Married 14 years- Just Learned of Cheating in Year 5

[Anonymous]

No way this was a win off

This asshat went to another country he planned this over and over again,

I am truly sorry OP but get your ducks in a row do not tell him til you are ready to leave then get out

He’s still at it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend recalls that he went to Tulim and asks advice, when the trip was 9 years ago? It doesn’t seem realistic. You ask advice when someone traveled somewhere fairly recently. The ex gf story could be an attempt to bury this in the deep past. If this is real, check his passport.

He probably got a new passport sometime in the last nine years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend recalls that he went to Tulim and asks advice, when the trip was 9 years ago? It doesn’t seem realistic. You ask advice when someone traveled somewhere fairly recently. The ex gf story could be an attempt to bury this in the deep past. If this is real, check his passport.

Yeah, it is definitely recent too. Sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No way this was a win off

This asshat went to another country he planned this over and over again,

I am truly sorry OP but get your ducks in a row do not tell him til you are ready to leave then get out

He’s still at it

Absolutely this.

[Anonymous]

OP, I wouldn't want to lead a life where there wasn't trust. You will go nuts every time he takes a business trip from here on out.

As others have stated, don't tell him you are considering leaving. Ask for counseling and stall, stall, stall until you have everything all set for yourself & kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A friend recalls that he went to Tulim and asks advice, when the trip was 9 years ago? It doesn’t seem realistic. You ask advice when someone traveled somewhere fairly recently. The ex gf story could be an attempt to bury this in the deep past. If this is real, check his passport.

He probably got a new passport sometime in the last nine years.

My point is it wasn’t 9 years ago. Check current passport.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend recalls that he went to Tulim and asks advice, when the trip was 9 years ago? It doesn’t seem realistic. You ask advice when someone traveled somewhere fairly recently. The ex gf story could be an attempt to bury this in the deep past. If this is real, check his passport.

This all seems odd. Check the passport OP. Or, maybe OP is having some fun with us?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A friend recalls that he went to Tulim and asks advice, when the trip was 9 years ago? It doesn’t seem realistic. You ask advice when someone traveled somewhere fairly recently. The ex gf story could be an attempt to bury this in the deep past. If this is real, check his passport.

He probably got a new passport sometime in the last nine years.

If I were OP, I would check both. People tend to keep those.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's weird and risky to take an AP on an out of country trip because that shows up in his passport. He's a dumbass.

No it doesn't. What an assinine thing to type. I travel to London and Frankfurt a half dozen times a year and never once has a colleague with me been identified as co travelling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this may be a time to flip the script. What about cooking DH a wonderful steak (with all the fixin's) and presenting him with a bottle of expensive, top-shelf whiskey?

Hopefully with something in his drink to give him a tummy ache.

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[Anonymous]

Tulum wasn't even trendy until about 5-6 years ago for rich west coast people, and 2-3 years ago for DC area dorks. Def happened WAY more recently!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend recalls that he went to Tulim and asks advice, when the trip was 9 years ago? It doesn’t seem realistic. You ask advice when someone traveled somewhere fairly recently. The ex gf story could be an attempt to bury this in the deep past. If this is real, check his passport.

+1. Not sure you have the full story and how will you know if he’s telling you the full story?

This is a trust issue and how do you put this behind you? I think it’s a big problem. I couldn’t trust him but you do you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A point that nobody has mentioned yet is that the friend (and probably whole friend group) knew and accepted that this behavior was normal and okay. With that kind of group mindset, it is likely that DH and all of his friends think that cheating on your wife is no big deal. That would make me think DH has done this a lot. Agree with PP that if DH has the balls to take a mistress on an international trip and then got away with it, no reason to not keep doing such things.

NP. Thank you, PP. I was reading this thread and was appalled that no one yet had mentioned this exact point. The DH likely runs with a crowd of friends that shrugs off each others' cheating, or possibly even condones or enables it. People's friends really do reflect, and affect, their priorities and values. If the OP is thinking of staying with DH they need plenty of intensive couples' and individual therapy, and he needs to drop friends who are his enablers or encouragers. Maybe this one friend isn't like that but the guy seems to have known DH had been to Mexico which wife didn't....DCUM will lose its little mind at that idea but so what? OP cannot trust that he chooses friends wisely, just as she cannot trust this was the one and only affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry.

+1 Did he tell you, OP, or did you find out some other way? Does he know you know?

He did not tell me. Over the weekend we were at a party that had some of his college friends there. One of them was talking about an upcoming trip to Tulum Mexico. He asked my husband if the area they were going to stay in was the right area. He hemmed and hawed and told him he was confusing him with someone else as he had never been there. It was awkward enough that the guy stopped pressing but I knew something was up. He took her there for a trip when he was supposedly in Miami on work travel. He confessed everything.

If he told his friend about this he is a bigger idiot than just for sleeping with her and wow, that was bold of him to take her to Mexico. It sounds like he was weighing actually leaving the marriage. But OP, he decided to stay. That’s what matters.

No, what matters is WHY he decided to stay at the time, nine years ago. He may just have found out that it was so very easy to cheat, so why not stay married and keep the benefits of having a wife, home, looking settled and like he's Mr. Ideal, while also having side pieces, once this particular side piece was done?

I'd need to know if he broke off the affair back then because he knew it was wrong, or if the AP ended it but he would have continued, or if it was a mutual fizzle. But whatever answer he gave, I couldn't trust it was the truth and if he said hed' been racked with guilt, well, he might say that to try to look better to OP here and now. Cheaters are so, so often serial cheaters. And he learned that he could have an AP, even travel with the AP, and keep it hidden very well, while wife is back home waiting for him. His cover wasn't blown for nearly a decade, and even then, it was blown in a way he could have glossed over with a few more seconds' quick thinking.

I hate to say this, but if OP is still reading: You and he both should get "full panel" STI testing done, both ASAP and in a few months (doctors often want people to test once, then test again a bit later, since some infections take time to develop and turn up). I know that asking DH for this may make him angry, or make him whine that you're not trusting him and it's been nine years so obviously he's fine. But OP, if he truly has been faithful he should agree to all the tests there are, the very next day, with no argument, because he'd have nothing to worry about. Do not assume, either, that if you're both healthy, there's no issue; some STIs show few or no symptoms. I know testing is the furthest thing from your mind right now, but I would just coolly say it's non-negotiable. You need at least to know, going forward, that you (OP) are healthy to deal with the stresses ahead, whether those are divorce/custody or therapy etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A point that nobody has mentioned yet is that the friend (and probably whole friend group) knew and accepted that this behavior was normal and okay. With that kind of group mindset, it is likely that DH and all of his friends think that cheating on your wife is no big deal. That would make me think DH has done this a lot. Agree with PP that if DH has the balls to take a mistress on an international trip and then got away with it, no reason to not keep doing such things.

NP. Thank you, PP. I was reading this thread and was appalled that no one yet had mentioned this exact point. The DH likely runs with a crowd of friends that shrugs off each others' cheating, or possibly even condones or enables it. People's friends really do reflect, and affect, their priorities and values. If the OP is thinking of staying with DH they need plenty of intensive couples' and individual therapy, and he needs to drop friends who are his enablers or encouragers. Maybe this one friend isn't like that but the guy seems to have known DH had been to Mexico which wife didn't....DCUM will lose its little mind at that idea but so what? OP cannot trust that he chooses friends wisely, just as she cannot trust this was the one and only affair.

Or, because it's been 9 years, husband could have also told friend he was in Tulum with OP which is why he thought nothing of mentioning it and DH got nervous because he was caught in a lie with both.