Married 14 years- Just Learned of Cheating in Year 5

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry.

+1 Did he tell you, OP, or did you find out some other way? Does he know you know?

He did not tell me. Over the weekend we were at a party that had some of his college friends there. One of them was talking about an upcoming trip to Tulum Mexico. He asked my husband if the area they were going to stay in was the right area. He hemmed and hawed and told him he was confusing him with someone else as he had never been there. It was awkward enough that the guy stopped pressing but I knew something was up. He took her there for a trip when he was supposedly in Miami on work travel. He confessed everything.

I would have a real problem with this. Sure, it happened years ago, but he TOOK HER ON A TRIP. So he took time and money away from his family and went to Mexico with is mistress. I’d separate/have him move out while you figure out what you want and how to proceed.

OP, you already know how to proceed. DTMFA.

[Anonymous]

Dig deeper. Trace his money over the years. Track his whereabouts. There might be more lying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ehh, it ended. Old history. Have a smile and a coke and shut the F up

Not only was he unfaithful to his wife, his friends know about it and embarrassed her in front of them. Don't just shut the f up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry.

+1 Did he tell you, OP, or did you find out some other way? Does he know you know?

He did not tell me. Over the weekend we were at a party that had some of his college friends there. One of them was talking about an upcoming trip to Tulum Mexico. He asked my husband if the area they were going to stay in was the right area. He hemmed and hawed and told him he was confusing him with someone else as he had never been there. It was awkward enough that the guy stopped pressing but I knew something was up. He took her there for a trip when he was supposedly in Miami on work travel. He confessed everything.

I would have a real problem with this. Sure, it happened years ago, but he TOOK HER ON A TRIP. So he took time and money away from his family and went to Mexico with is mistress. I’d separate/have him move out while you figure out what you want and how to proceed.

This. You can't trust him. And he only confessed because you began to smell something fishy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry.

+1 Did he tell you, OP, or did you find out some other way? Does he know you know?

He did not tell me. Over the weekend we were at a party that had some of his college friends there. One of them was talking about an upcoming trip to Tulum Mexico. He asked my husband if the area they were going to stay in was the right area. He hemmed and hawed and told him he was confusing him with someone else as he had never been there. It was awkward enough that the guy stopped pressing but I knew something was up. He took her there for a trip when he was supposedly in Miami on work travel. He confessed everything.

What is up with this college friend? What a sh**-stirrer. He is going to need to drop this person immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ehh, it ended. Old history. Have a smile and a coke and shut the F up

Not only was he unfaithful to his wife, his friends know about it and embarrassed her in front of them. Don't just shut the f up.

Yeah. What a scummy "friend". I don't know if I could ever truly move forward. Easier said than done, I know. What a shock, OP.

[Anonymous]

I call troll because there was no reason for him not to go along and pretend he’d been to that destination prior to the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I call troll because there was no reason for him not to go along and pretend he’d been to that destination prior to the marriage.

NP, but prior to marrying my husband, we knew all the countries to which the other had traveled. OP has been married 14 years. If my DH suddenly remembered a trip to Mexico he’d never told me about in almost two decades together, I’d think it was suspicious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Putting the most positive face on this, it seems likely that he got it out of his system and you "won".

Anyone that cheats like that is a promise-breaker and might do it again.

That doesn't mean you have to divorce.

You need to line up marital counseling that is objective - neither pro-reconciliation nor pro-divorce.

Don't catastrophize. Honor your feelings of sadness and betrayal. Your husband owes you full disclosure.

Do not contact or seek out the social media of the OW. She is morally reprehensible as well and you will get no peace from contacting her or seeking out details about her. She is not your concern.

I'm sorry for your hurt. Be brave.

What did she win? A decade of being married to a total douchebag?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is pretty much the whole story. He slept with his college ex about every other week for 6 months during year 5 of our marriage. I'm pretty much shaking.

It depends on health of your marriage and if its worthy of forgiveness and moving on. Only you can decide. If you think its strong enough to survive this then he rational and use this information to your advantage for complete transparency. I'll provide ask him to sign a post nup favorable to you and the kids to avoid future occurrences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I call troll because there was no reason for him not to go along and pretend he’d been to that destination prior to the marriage.

Go along with it? "Ohhhhh yeah, honey, I know we have been together for a decade and a half, but I totally forgot to tell you about the time I went to Mexico."

Yeeeeah, that's believable.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't matter how long ago this happened or if (and it's a big 'if') there was no other cheating. It is new and shocking to you. What happened wasn't a one time mistake. He did it over and over again. He took her on a trip. His friends knew about it. Wow. I gently suggest you make no major decisions, get a relationship counselor for yourself to help you figure out your feelings and needs. Get some distance from your husband so you can think straight. Focus on yourself.

[Anonymous]

If that revelation happened to me I would immediately suspect there were other incidents of cheating also. It is highly unlikely he cheated for six months with an ex GF and then stopped and never cheated again after having totally gotten away with it.

I would not start trying to catch him at it or find evidence however. I would see a counselor for myself and try to figure out whether I wanted to be married to this guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was 9 years ago. I understand you feel a lack of trust and violation of your marriage but unless it happened multiple times, it's water under the bridge.

How would she know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If that revelation happened to me I would immediately suspect there were other incidents of cheating also. It is highly unlikely he cheated for six months with an ex GF and then stopped and never cheated again after having totally gotten away with it.

I would not start trying to catch him at it or find evidence however. I would see a counselor for myself and try to figure out whether I wanted to be married to this guy.

+1