Married 14 years- Just Learned of Cheating in Year 5

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this may be a time to flip the script. What about cooking DH a wonderful steak (with all the fixin's) and presenting him with a bottle of expensive, top-shelf whiskey?

What?

Exactly my reaction, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Putting the most positive face on this, it seems likely that he got it out of his system and you "won".

Anyone that cheats like that is a promise-breaker and might do it again.

That doesn't mean you have to divorce.

You need to line up marital counseling that is objective - neither pro-reconciliation nor pro-divorce.

Don't catastrophize. Honor your feelings of sadness and betrayal. Your husband owes you full disclosure.

Do not contact or seek out the social media of the OW. She is morally reprehensible as well and you will get no peace from contacting her or seeking out details about her. She is not your concern.

I'm sorry for your hurt. Be brave.

I think this is a great response, but I would also seek a consult with an attorney about what a divorce would look like for you, and what a postnuptial agreement could look like for you. You should consider options in an informed way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this may be a time to flip the script. What about cooking DH a wonderful steak (with all the fixin's) and presenting him with a bottle of expensive, top-shelf whiskey?

I like you, playing the long game. OP puts her husband at ease so he starts letting his guard down. This gives her time so she can get her ducks in a row and get as much $$$ as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this may be a time to flip the script. What about cooking DH a wonderful steak (with all the fixin's) and presenting him with a bottle of expensive, top-shelf whiskey?

I like you, playing the long game. OP puts her husband at ease so he starts letting his guard down. This gives her time so she can get her ducks in a row and get as much $$$ as possible.

But she has to first yell at him and then cry and say she forgives him. Otherwise he will get suspicious

[Anonymous]

Is he rich?
Spend money on treating yourself like a princess. He can never refuse or complain.

[Anonymous]

A ONS nine years ago? I might be able to deal with it. Six months and a trip to Mexico? I’d have a huge problem believing other stuff hadn’t gone on. A ONS could be a drunken fling. Six months is pure deception.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was 9 years ago. I understand you feel a lack of trust and violation of your marriage but unless it happened multiple times, it's water under the bridge.

He slept with his college ex about every other week for 6 months during year 5 of our marriage

I'd say that was "multiple times".

It’s still water under the bridge. It’s over with her. How did you find out OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was 9 years ago. I understand you feel a lack of trust and violation of your marriage but unless it happened multiple times, it's water under the bridge.

He slept with his college ex about every other week for 6 months during year 5 of our marriage

I'd say that was "multiple times".

It’s still water under the bridge. It’s over with her. How did you find out OP?

Not OP, but: Please actually read the thread before you post. OP described how she found out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry.

+1 Did he tell you, OP, or did you find out some other way? Does he know you know?

He did not tell me. Over the weekend we were at a party that had some of his college friends there. One of them was talking about an upcoming trip to Tulum Mexico. He asked my husband if the area they were going to stay in was the right area. He hemmed and hawed and told him he was confusing him with someone else as he had never been there. It was awkward enough that the guy stopped pressing but I knew something was up. He took her there for a trip when he was supposedly in Miami on work travel. He confessed everything.

If he told his friend about this he is a bigger idiot than just for sleeping with her and wow, that was bold of him to take her to Mexico. It sounds like he was weighing actually leaving the marriage. But OP, he decided to stay. That’s what matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I call troll because there was no reason for him not to go along and pretend he’d been to that destination prior to the marriage.

Agree no reason for him to admit he was the person that went. It was 9 years ago, definitely plausible the friend was confusing him for someone else and no records to trace the trip back to him so why admit it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is pretty much the whole story. He slept with his college ex about every other week for 6 months during year 5 of our marriage. I'm pretty much shaking.

It depends on health of your marriage and if its worthy of forgiveness and moving on. Only you can decide. If you think its strong enough to survive this then he rational and use this information to your advantage for complete transparency. I'll provide ask him to sign a post nup favorable to you and the kids to avoid future occurrences.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If that revelation happened to me I would immediately suspect there were other incidents of cheating also. It is highly unlikely he cheated for six months with an ex GF and then stopped and never cheated again after having totally gotten away with it.

I would not start trying to catch him at it or find evidence however. I would see a counselor for myself and try to figure out whether I wanted to be married to this guy.

+1

Meh, I actually think that the fact that it was someone he already knew means it could have been a single incident of cheating (not that he slept with her once, but that she was the only one he has cheated with).

That doesn't make it much better, and I'm so sorry, OP. I can't even imagine how sick I would feel if I learned that.

I agree. OP, don’t listen to people here. Sounds like he had some “what if” questions early in your marriage about one specific person, which is consistent with the timeline in which people lost the fantasy and start to think about “did I make the right decision.” And he stopped it / it ended and he stayed with you. If he has been a good husband and father go to counseling alone and together but let it go. He chose you. He chose your family. People are not perfect. Especially men. If he’s otherwise a keeper, keep him. Not saying it will be the same but this is part of growing up sometimes.

[Anonymous]

A point that nobody has mentioned yet is that the friend (and probably whole friend group) knew and accepted that this behavior was normal and okay. With that kind of group mindset, it is likely that DH and all of his friends think that cheating on your wife is no big deal. That would make me think DH has done this a lot. Agree with PP that if DH has the balls to take a mistress on an international trip and then got away with it, no reason to not keep doing such things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry.

+1 Did he tell you, OP, or did you find out some other way? Does he know you know?

He did not tell me. Over the weekend we were at a party that had some of his college friends there. One of them was talking about an upcoming trip to Tulum Mexico. He asked my husband if the area they were going to stay in was the right area. He hemmed and hawed and told him he was confusing him with someone else as he had never been there. It was awkward enough that the guy stopped pressing but I knew something was up. He took her there for a trip when he was supposedly in Miami on work travel. He confessed everything.

Sounds like several people knew about the trip?

Do you have kids, OP? Did you have kids at that time? A lot of men seem to cheat when wives are pregnant, which is despicable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A point that nobody has mentioned yet is that the friend (and probably whole friend group) knew and accepted that this behavior was normal and okay. With that kind of group mindset, it is likely that DH and all of his friends think that cheating on your wife is no big deal. That would make me think DH has done this a lot. Agree with PP that if DH has the balls to take a mistress on an international trip and then got away with it, no reason to not keep doing such things.

All of this.