Married 14 years- Just Learned of Cheating in Year 5

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she hotter than you?

You are an insensitive idiot.

I really hope that no woman has hooked her wagon to the likes of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Putting the most positive face on this, it seems likely that he got it out of his system and you "won".

Anyone that cheats like that is a promise-breaker and might do it again.

That doesn't mean you have to divorce.

You need to line up marital counseling that is objective - neither pro-reconciliation nor pro-divorce.

Don't catastrophize. Honor your feelings of sadness and betrayal. Your husband owes you full disclosure.

Do not contact or seek out the social media of the OW. She is morally reprehensible as well and you will get no peace from contacting her or seeking out details about her. She is not your concern.

I'm sorry for your hurt. Be brave.

What did she win? A decade of being married to a total douchebag?

Agreed. I never get the mindset of fighting for a cheater.

For all we know , the other woman dumped him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Putting the most positive face on this, it seems likely that he got it out of his system and you "won".

Anyone that cheats like that is a promise-breaker and might do it again.

That doesn't mean you have to divorce.

You need to line up marital counseling that is objective - neither pro-reconciliation nor pro-divorce.

Don't catastrophize. Honor your feelings of sadness and betrayal. Your husband owes you full disclosure.

Do not contact or seek out the social media of the OW. She is morally reprehensible as well and you will get no peace from contacting her or seeking out details about her. She is not your concern.

I'm sorry for your hurt. Be brave.

What did she win? A decade of being married to a total douchebag?

This. She "won" a loser? eff that guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is pretty much the whole story. He slept with his college ex about every other week for 6 months during year 5 of our marriage. I'm pretty much shaking.

It depends on health of your marriage and if its worthy of forgiveness and moving on. Only you can decide. If you think its strong enough to survive this then he rational and use this information to your advantage for complete transparency. I'll provide ask him to sign a post nup favorable to you and the kids to avoid future occurrences.

And if he won't, divorce him immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If that revelation happened to me I would immediately suspect there were other incidents of cheating also. It is highly unlikely he cheated for six months with an ex GF and then stopped and never cheated again after having totally gotten away with it.

I would not start trying to catch him at it or find evidence however. I would see a counselor for myself and try to figure out whether I wanted to be married to this guy.

+1

Meh, I actually think that the fact that it was someone he already knew means it could have been a single incident of cheating (not that he slept with her once, but that she was the only one he has cheated with).

That doesn't make it much better, and I'm so sorry, OP. I can't even imagine how sick I would feel if I learned that.

[Anonymous]

The other issue here is it was with his ex-gf. Was he not over her? These facts are really terrible. But don't lose yourself, OP. Take care of yourself, look into things that might impact you - make sure he hasn't lied in other ways, look into finances, etc.

[Anonymous]

Time to go shopping! And get an f buddy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If that revelation happened to me I would immediately suspect there were other incidents of cheating also. It is highly unlikely he cheated for six months with an ex GF and then stopped and never cheated again after having totally gotten away with it.

I would not start trying to catch him at it or find evidence however. I would see a counselor for myself and try to figure out whether I wanted to be married to this guy.

Yes, exactly. Was this really the only time? He only told you because you found out. What else is he hiding? I would never trust him again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Time to go shopping! And get an f buddy.

Nothing gets you over a guy except being under another guy.

[Anonymous]

I am really sorry. You have every right to be processing this and making decisions today. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

[Anonymous]

I'm really sorry OP. I've actually thought about this myself, and wondered what I would do if I found out. There were one or two things small things in the past that sent me spiralling down this path but it didn't seem to amount to anything. But I did wonder what I would do.

It would fundamentally rewrite our history together and make me question what I knew to be true. I would perseverate over what I was thinking at the time it was happening - were there any signs, etc? And if there weren't it would devastate me to be so easily fooled (manipulated).

[Anonymous]

I would bump the old dog and get me a young one. What a turn off he is.

[Anonymous]

It would be really hard to me to not think back on each and every business trip he took during the marriage with suspicion. Taking a mistress to another country is a really big deal! What was going on in year 5 of your marriage? Were you were at home with young kids during that time? If so that’s another issue altogether.

[Anonymous]

It's weird and risky to take an AP on an out of country trip because that shows up in his passport. He's a dumbass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If that revelation happened to me I would immediately suspect there were other incidents of cheating also. It is highly unlikely he cheated for six months with an ex GF and then stopped and never cheated again after having totally gotten away with it.

I would not start trying to catch him at it or find evidence however. I would see a counselor for myself and try to figure out whether I wanted to be married to this guy.

x1000

A friend found out that her H had an affair several years ago. After many months of individual therapy and marriage counseling, it came to light that H had had multiple affairs with different people over the course of their marriage, with the most recent one still on going. So I’d be very very wary of any claims that it was a one time thing that happened years ago.