Married 14 years- Just Learned of Cheating in Year 5

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry. I would feel our trust was broken. As others have stated, he has probably cheated other times.

I have not experienced this with Dh but I used to be in a serious relationship with a guy and I learned into the relationship that he was still seeing other people in the beginning of our relationship and that even hurt. I lost trust in him. I could never fully trust him and that is probably why we ended up not together.

I had a serious boyfriend in college who cheated on me for months, then broke up with me for her. She believed that he had broken up with me shortly after he started seeing her. About six months after that, she found out that he was still going out with me for after she thought he’d ended it with me. She apparently had a fit and broke up with him.

We were all at different colleges, which is how he got away with the two girlfriends at once thing. I had no idea he was seeing someone else. The other girl knew from the beginning but thought he was on track to break up so she’d be the only one.

I know all this now because he came back to me after she broke up with him, but I ended it when I found out the real story. Glad I didn’t get stuck with a guy who was so good at lying. It is shocking when you find out how completely someone can fool you and for such a long time. And worse, of course, when you’re married and have kids. I feel for you, OP, and hope you can get to a better place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Putting the most positive face on this, it seems likely that he got it out of his system and you "won".

Anyone that cheats like that is a promise-breaker and might do it again.

That doesn't mean you have to divorce.

You need to line up marital counseling that is objective - neither pro-reconciliation nor pro-divorce.

Don't catastrophize. Honor your feelings of sadness and betrayal. Your husband owes you full disclosure.

Do not contact or seek out the social media of the OW. She is morally reprehensible as well and you will get no peace from contacting her or seeking out details about her. She is not your concern.

I'm sorry for your hurt. Be brave.

I think this is a great response, but I would also seek a consult with an attorney about what a divorce would look like for you, and what a postnuptial agreement could look like for you. You should consider options in an informed way.

Consult with an attorney asap. If he hid this could he be hiding more affairs? Could he hide money? Hide investments? I mean he took her to Mexico on what sounds like a nice ($$) trip! That is half your money!

I wouldn’t be able to trust him again. Look at his passport and previous passports for one! I always keep the old one…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend recalls that he went to Tulim and asks advice, when the trip was 9 years ago? It doesn’t seem realistic. You ask advice when someone traveled somewhere fairly recently. The ex gf story could be an attempt to bury this in the deep past. If this is real, check his passport.

Shizzz. This, OP. This. Granted, I lived in a famous European city 10 years ago for a couple years and people still ask me for recommendations. But I lived there (and didn’t cheat on anyone)!

I agree with the posters to be upset cry etc but then ask your husband to attend counseling or say you love him etc but secretly get your ducks in a row and talk to a lawyer. Because for all you know he already has…

Also get yourself tested for all STDs and get the HPV vaccine if you haven’t and go get a Pap smear!

[Anonymous]

Once a cheater always a cheater op.

Sorry he did this to you and you can do better than him.

[Anonymous]

I guarantee if you stay with him in another year or two or four you will be back here distraught that you caught him cheating again.

This wasn’t an oops one night stand. It was sex and emotion and history and international loved up vacations.

[Anonymous]

Didnt Jeff already out OP as a troll?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Didnt Jeff already out OP as a troll?

I think you're thinking of another recent thread he locked after ID'ing that OP as a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ehh, it ended. Old history. Have a smile and a coke and shut the F up

Not only was he unfaithful to his wife, his friends know about it and embarrassed her in front of them. Don't just shut the f up.

This!
Id be mortified & humiliated knowing that everyone else knew but me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was 9 years ago. I understand you feel a lack of trust and violation of your marriage but unless it happened multiple times, it's water under the bridge.

He slept with his college ex about every other week for 6 months during year 5 of our marriage

I'd say that was "multiple times".

It’s still water under the bridge. It’s over with her. How did you find out OP?

How lazy are you?
She answered this on the very first page!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this may be a time to flip the script. What about cooking DH a wonderful steak (with all the fixin's) and presenting him with a bottle of expensive, top-shelf whiskey?

What kind of a person uses a phrase like "all the fixin's"?? 🤢

You need to take yourself and your archaic sentiment back to 1955 and crawl back under the rock you've been living under.
This comment is really disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Not ok. I don’t care how long ago it was, he can’t be trusted. This likely happened with other women too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didnt Jeff already out OP as a troll?

I think you're thinking of another recent thread he locked after ID'ing that OP as a troll.

No he said on his daily recap he is 3.5/4 out of 5 points sure this is a troll because of OP’s comments in other threads. OP said in another thread that “she” and her husband went to Mexico in 2008, sometimes OP comments as a man and then a woman on the same thread, etc. imo it’s highly unlikely this is real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didnt Jeff already out OP as a troll?

I think you're thinking of another recent thread he locked after ID'ing that OP as a troll.

No he said on his daily recap he is 3.5/4 out of 5 points sure this is a troll because of OP’s comments in other threads. OP said in another thread that “she” and her husband went to Mexico in 2008, sometimes OP comments as a man and then a woman on the same thread, etc. imo it’s highly unlikely this is real.

Ah, I see! Thanks. I dont read the recaps so I missed that. I'm surprised he hasn't outed the OP here and locked the thread yet, then.

[Anonymous]

Just leave. It's not worth your time trying to rehabilitate a terrible person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A friend recalls that he went to Tulim and asks advice, when the trip was 9 years ago? It doesn’t seem realistic. You ask advice when someone traveled somewhere fairly recently. The ex gf story could be an attempt to bury this in the deep past. If this is real, check his passport.

Shizzz. This, OP. This. Granted, I lived in a famous European city 10 years ago for a couple years and people still ask me for recommendations. But I lived there (and didn’t cheat on anyone)!

I agree with the posters to be upset cry etc but then ask your husband to attend counseling or say you love him etc but secretly get your ducks in a row and talk to a lawyer. Because for all you know he already has…

Also get yourself tested for all STDs and get the HPV vaccine if you haven’t and go get a Pap smear!

I'm in DC but I lived in Seattle from 2006-2009 and people still ask me where to eat.