Regrets about reproducing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any other advice other than professional help? My husband is vehemently against it, and also the children would never in a million years cooperate. It’s a clusterfk just getting them to see a regular doctor.

I posted at 13:31 before seeing you didn't want professional help. Here is what I have found helpful (in addition to professional help) for my kid with anxiety who at home can have very loud angry outbursts and refuse to do basic things. No sensory issues that I'm aware of. 1) Understand the behavior. Why is my child acting this way? What are they anxious about/fearful of? What are they trying to do or achieve? It sometimes takes an excruciating amount of time for me to figure this out. Like weeks ore months to figure out why a certain situation triggers my child. When my kid is upset they just refuse, refuse, refuse. They can't or won't explain. Why don't you want to go to your best fiends house? "I just don't want to go!!" Why? "I just don't!" And it turns out their best friend wanted to play tag at recess that day not hide and seek so my kid feels rejected. <sigh> Even if it isn't rational to you it can be a real fear/anxiety for them. That is legitimate and needs to be given love an understanding. My kid also is developing social skills so gets frustrated when others reject him. This doesn't turn into outbursts at school, but when I see my kid having trouble in a social situation I can pull them aside and ask what they are trying to do. Do you want Larlo to play hide and seek? Larlo doesn't want to play that game now, but maybe will play later. You can choose to play the game Larlo is playing or find other kids to invite to play hide and seek. One thing that helps my relationship with my child is finding things we both like to do and do those as frequently as possible. This could be reading a book to your child or making cookies or going to batting cages. Personally I've found it needs to be an activity I enjoy as well otherwise it just drains me and that isn't good for either of us. GL!

But you sound like you need professional help as well. Even talking with your school's social worker about the range of behaviors and interventions is helpful. Over the years I've found nuggets here and there that have been invaluable, even from people who were dismissive of me and my concerns.

Thanks. Having these types of scripts is helpful and it’s something that definitely doesn’t come naturally to me. It wasn’t modeled for me by any measure.

It wasn't modeled for me or my DH either. We're only in our 40s but had a VERY different/strict upbringing with lots of volatility ourselves. It has been a very steep learning curve for me, which is why help from others has been really....helpful.

Word?

[Anonymous]

Get them neuropsych evaluations if you can afford it. Then at least you know what you are dealing with. Get them in therapy. And take care of yourself first and foremost. Most people wouldn't have kids if they knew what it can really be like on bad days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to work on your mindset, OP. Your post is a little icky when talking about your own kids.

But also, the truth is parenting is a grind no matter who you make babies with.

And you can’t account for all contingencies. Stuff happens in life. I have a child with a severe disability that is due to a de novo (random) genetic mutation that didn’t come from me or DH.

I don't think my concerns are unreasonable. The thing is, with my one child, both my mom, and my husband's sibling, has said how similar they are to said sibling. I see it too, both in terms of appearance, personality, quirks, habits, interests, social difficulties, cynicism and oppositional behaviors. I don't think our child will follow the same path, but that sibling had the most struggles out of everyone. Multiple suicide attempts and hospitalizations, ran away from home at age 14 and lived with other people for many years, was in an in-patient program at least 4x, divorced.

Our other child has addictive tendencies and personality traits (sensitivity, competitiveness, obsessive anxiety) similar to my husband's other sibling, who suffered from addiction for most their adult lives, and also had multiple suicide attempts and divorced.

Our other child is similar in appearance and personality to my FIL, who is perfectionistic, high-strung, always angry, stubborn, very demanding, and while a bit shy and socially awkward, is popular.

All that said, I guess both my MIL and FIL are relatively stable in that they have stayed married, have not fallen to addiction, or ever actually attempted suicide. But I still worry, given the family history.

Genes are not destiny. Your kids are not doomed to follow the path of their husband’s siblings but you will far, far improve their chance of a good outcome if you get them help now.

[Anonymous]

A lot of these issues sound like a lack of understanding boundaries as opposed to a developmental disability. Therapy for you on how to enforce better boundaries at home could help, therapy for child on respecting the people around them.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP. Maybe frame it to your DH in terms of recognizing what your and your DH’s strengths and weaknesses are. I’d never try to coach hockey so if my kid wanted to play hockey I’d pay for them to be on a team. I can cook so I teach my kid to cook rather than paying for a kid cooking class. Same with tutoring. Some subjects I can help my kid with, others I’m not so good and. With music lessons my experience has been my child is motivated by nearly anyone besides me. Identify specific skills and competencies you want your kids to learn. If they are NOT learning them from you, find someone who teaches that stuff to kids.

Therapy for you can help you develop the vocabulary for what your strengths and weaknesses are. Good for you for getting therapy for yourself. That’s a good first step.

Share and discuss with your DH whatever you learn about parenting. It seems one of the problems is your DH doesn’t see anything as being a problem. He is wrong, but until he realizes that it’s going to be hard for him to see the point of what you’re trying to do. Maybe you both need couples counseling.

[Anonymous]

Seek that couples therapy asap

[Anonymous]

It really helps when you stop thinking that they are screwing at you and reacting. You need to step outside the situation and realize that they are screaming because they can't handle their emotions. The screaming isn't because of you no matter whatever you did or said prior to the screaming. An emotionally healthy person would deal with their emotions without screaming. They are screaming because of them, not because of you.

Once you step out of the situation, you are less likely to shut down. You can try to help them find words for their emotions, for instance by saying things like, "Gosh, you must be so mad. I can hear how mad you are. Let me know when you're ready to talk and we can try to find a solution.". You can also make suggestions or help them calm down if that helps them.

My kids also absolutely know the rule that parents can't ever say yes when they're yelling. It's in the parent handbook--if you say yes to a yelling kid, you teach them to yell and that's not allowed. If they yell at me, I'll tell them they know the rule and the answer is no. But if they calm down they can try again when they are ready.

[Anonymous]

Sorry I don’t have much advice but just surprised you had so many kids with this man.
I think you just have to bear your cross now honestly

[Anonymous]

Yeah I underestimated the genetics in DH's family's mental health issues. I figure we have a good head on our shoulders, and we would be able to avoid any of those issues (bipolar, drugs, depression, dropping out of school....)

And here I am in an uphill battle for my kid. We are working our butts off to manage it. Doctors, therapists, tutors, constant contact with school... I love my child and will keep fighting. But it's certainly now how I envisioned this.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP, sounds like a really tough situation. I think genetics and mental illness are important, but I also think some parent/child relationships can be extra difficult because of vastly different temperaments and it doesn't mean anything is wrong with your kids. If you feel stuck and the counseling options are just too much of an uphill battle, perhaps you should consider private school/boarding school for your kids. Get them out of the household where it's not working for them and see if a new environment would help. They need role models and mentors who are not like your DH but can/know how to deal with personalities like theirs. Perhaps surrounding them with people who are better equipped to handle them is easier than trying to change you and your DH.

[Anonymous]

I would consider a therapist and a parent coach, both for you. I had a parent coach for a short while and it was very helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Side thought. Are you close enough to DH's siblings that you can discuss what happened in their lives directly - how it felt to be them, how they wished they would be treated, how much sleep they needed as kids? Sounds like DH is the most functional so maybe info from the others would help.

From what you've said above, the suicide risk is the most frightening issue. My recommendation is that you delay phones and don't allow social media. It's quite possible for kids to do without social media.

I actually am pro-multi-player video gaming if the friend community is healthy. My kids play Roblox quest games and have met some intelligent, friendly kids from other parts of the world to socialize with. Gaming got my younger through a rough patch in middle school. So that's not necessarily a problem.

Another suggestion...when they are really angry, do you follow them and try to talk about feelings? Some people (my IL family) are better left alone to cool off. My family likes to continue engaging in discussion while angry. I've had to learn to not chase people around while arguing things out. Better to allow cool off and discuss another time.

Another thing...occasionally humor can defuse a screaming threat situation. Or a poker face. Maybe your kids are continuing to lash out at you because they can read your face and tell that they are making an impact.

You may have luck once the kids have hit developmental milestones....they may respond to the nurture. It seems hopeful to me that they are well-behaved at school. In my limited experience, kids that are disruptive at home are consistent in other environments.

Another thought...since they are smart, why don't you make them a no-screen play area with interesting things to send them to as a time-out. Like a science kit or workbench area. Maybe being sent somewhere in the house is enough of a signal to calm down and cut out whatever behavior.

Last thing that comes to mind...the "one of these things is not like the other" family situation that you are in. I lived in a FOO where mom was the "good girl" and dad and 2 kids were much more on the same wavelength.
I think you are really wise for reaching out for help. Your DH might want to avoid managing this situation because of bad memories. And you are the person least similar to your family members. So it makes a lot of sense for you to be collecting info and trying out techniques to find out what works best. Because you deserve to be happy and respected, but your loved ones may not be able to introspect enough to help you to learn how to manage them more successfully.

Wishing you luck and just want to say you're an attentive and good mom for starting down this path of inquiry.

Wow, thanks for your post. I’m hesitant to have those types of conversations with my husband’s siblings but I’ll give it some thought.

We are pretty strict about screens and video games. And it’s mostly because one of our kids cannot seem to handle it, because of his obsessive, addictive, and intense personality.

My go to is sending the kids to their rooms when they start screaming. But they have started refusing, and are getting too big for me to force or carry them upstairs. I really avoid engaging when they start screaming.

Try taking a time out yourself, I say, 'we can try again when we can talk calmly and I'm feeling upset right now." That works better for my anxious volatile kid who freaks out even more if I walk out without that promise of later connection and admitting I feel upset doesn't make her feel "bad." Then I go in my room, and do something I find soothing, a YT mediation video, yoga, listen to music and dance around, whatever. I have to be regulated so she can co-regulate from me.

I had a lot of PTSD from childhood too, and had to address it. I have also provided things that she finds soothing, a weighted blanket, journal, mini trampoline to jump on, etc. So she calms down, I calm down, then we try again. I also try for some kind of physical connection, holding hands, a hand on arm, touching knees while sitting, it seems to help ground and make more screaming less likely in the 2nd attempt. Sometimes going for a walk or bike ride and talking while moving is really helpful. But, before I could teach emotional intelligence and regulation, I had to learn it myself. And to work on healthy attachment styles. I did not learn that as a child myself so it has been very healing for me. I could not put the burden on them of not dysregulating me, they are kids and the bigger triggers were placed decades earlier.

Thank you for your advice, it’s helpful to hear. On my best days I do all the things you described, and on a day like today, it’s like I’ve forgotten everything I’ve learned. It’s funny I’ve gotten them all those other things like the weighted blanket, mini trampoline, journal. And I do usually tell them that I am really needing a break and then go meditate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP, sounds like a really tough situation. I think genetics and mental illness are important, but I also think some parent/child relationships can be extra difficult because of vastly different temperaments and it doesn't mean anything is wrong with your kids. If you feel stuck and the counseling options are just too much of an uphill battle, perhaps you should consider private school/boarding school for your kids. Get them out of the household where it's not working for them and see if a new environment would help. They need role models and mentors who are not like your DH but can/know how to deal with personalities like theirs. Perhaps surrounding them with people who are better equipped to handle them is easier than trying to change you and your DH.

I honestly feel that if we did that, they would never forgive us. They won’t even let us send them to camp. They hate school and camp and activities. I have eventually forced them to do some things but it’s been painful baby steps.

I think they feel like they have to be on their best behavior and just despise being told what to do and when to do it and being on someone else’s schedule. They are perfect students. Only comments are things like daydreaming, not participating, or with one of our kids, being distracted and disorganized.

Our one child hates all teachers with a passion. And yet gets the highest grades. They begged me to homeschool them but that would have broke me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah I underestimated the genetics in DH's family's mental health issues. I figure we have a good head on our shoulders, and we would be able to avoid any of those issues (bipolar, drugs, depression, dropping out of school....)

And here I am in an uphill battle for my kid. We are working our butts off to manage it. Doctors, therapists, tutors, constant contact with school... I love my child and will keep fighting. But it's certainly now how I envisioned this.

I’m sorry for the difficulties you are facing. Good luck to you, it sounds like you are doing everything possible.

[Anonymous]

Nature vs nuture. Don’t count nuture out just yet. I had my daughter very a donor egg but she somehow has all my worst qualities namely she is stubborn and resistant all the time.

Marriage - my dad was abusive (beat me with a belt, yelled and screamed, smacked me in the face) and after dating pop a bunch of losers I married a good man who is kind and decent. History does not always repeat.