Regrets about reproducing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again - my husband says it's normal when I try to bring up getting some professional help.

maybe you should try your father's style of parenting since it produced angels like your brother and yourself who never yelled or broke any rules and are very peaceful/peace loving? Maybe this kind of authoritative, firm style with military precision and concrete rules will get your kids to behave b/c they will have firm boundaries and consequences for their poor choices? Your dad didnt get 'professional' help- he was just firm and didnt pout up with any bs and you said you guys were angels- maybe you didnt like it at the time but you like what it produced eventually and parenting is a long game- what matters is what kind of adult your kids grow up to be.

My husband, says that with our one child who is like his sibling who ran away from home, we have to walk a very careful line between setting limits and being too controlling. Because if you are too strict, they will rebel and turn away.

MY sibling, agrees with you and thinks we should be much more strict, put some real fear in them, and hit them once in a while, because we all turned out pretty well. I disagree. Like I said, I have ptsd, and have required so much of therapy to undo some of the damage and get to a place where I could forgive my parents. I either chose crappy partners, or in the case of my husband, someone who is extremely challenging and with whole likely try to relive the trauma of my childhood.

I’m also an underachiever in many ways. I feel limited because I get overwhelmed and stresses so easily and so terrified of failure. I was gifted in all areas also, but just struggled hard to keep up and chose a creative profession that didn’t use any of my other abilities.

My husband and his siblings on the other hand have gone on to ivies and have all achieved doctorates or professional degrees. In the surface, extremely successful. But you’d never know all of their extreme struggles, including dropping out of college and their disastrous marriages.

Damb this family crazy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From co-regulation article linked above

Similarly, without coregulation, a child may experience dysregulation, such as outbursts or aggression, and develop a maladaptive coping strategy, such as emotion suppression, that results in internalizing issues.

Coregulation is, therefore, essential in helping a child create calming connections in their brain. Your calming energy is translated to your child’s calmness.

First, Self-Regulate
Parents’ self-regulation is an important part of co-regulation. Adults are role models for their children on how to control their emotions. [focus on yourself here, that is all you can control and 1 parent is enough to learn this]

It can be challenging to deal with a screaming, irrational child during acute tantrum episodes, especially if the situation has already triggered big feelings in you.

Calm your nervous system by taking deep breaths, clearing your mind, and using positive self-talk.

Your past experience, thoughts, and beliefs about emotions will affect how well you manage your emotions.

Be mindful of your own state of mind and stay in the presence.

If it becomes too difficult for you to control your emotions when your child is upset, seek professional help. In therapy, mental health professionals can assist you in identifying and addressing unresolved issues that could prevent you from being a calm, caring parent.

Reparenting yourself and helping heal your PTSD from an abusive childhood will first help you, then help your kids. Managing your feelings so you can stay calm, present, and connected will help them co-regulate to calmness. Disconnecting triggers anxiety and more of the behavior you find overwhelming so working on you and your PTSD is the first step.

DBT tools will help everyone.
https://www.mentalhealth.com/therapy/parenting-and-dialectical-behavior-therapy-and-emotions

This is really helpful. I'll work through some of this with my therapist, although we did do a bit of work in this area. Honestly, yesterday was a bad day, after what has been feeling like a very rough several weeks. I haven't been taking great care of myself, and I know I'm capable of self regulating myself, but I just didn't have it in me yesterday.

And at the moment, I'm struggling the most with our anxious, addictive, obsessive, sensitive, jealous, competitive, demanding, needing constant attention, big emotion child. On good days, this child can be sweet, charismatic, patient, kind, funny, fun-loving, but when things go even slightly off, whether it's sleep, or some other trigger, it's like a five alarm fire. There is no in-between. This child seems to be unable to tolerate even the slightest bit of discomfort - whether that comes from boredom, feeling rejected, or an upset tummy, without unleashing wrath and chaos to everyone around. This child is also constantly jockeying for the #1 position, no matter what - must have more than everyone else, is obsessively tracking every positive thing that their siblings get, and constantly comparing, and spends so much brainpower and memory on this one thing and I'm not sure what to do about it because I can see that the habit makes them so unhappy instead of grateful. This child is also always instigating, constantly goading other siblings to react by purposely annoying them, and then when they do, screams and acts like the victim. Needs constant entertainment and always wants to get their way on their time and cannot tolerate "losing".

The crazy thing is, on their own, one-on-one, when the other kids are away, this child is actually really pleasant to be around as long as you are paying attention to them. Also fine on playdates with their friends. This is true for all of them - although the other siblings are not as demanding in terms of attention. It may be a mismatch because this child is likely the only extrovert in a family of introverts. Refuses activities though, because of anxiety.

[Anonymous]

OP here and thanks to everyone who responded with advice. I don't have time to respond to all, but it's much appreciated and I have actually taken notes.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I can relate to so much of the baggage both your families have. I have a violent, sensitive, suicide-attempt brother, college dropout sister, highly successful but emotionally messed up brother, probably narcissistic mother with severe violence/rage issues…this stuff messes you up. I get where both you and your husband are coming from.

I’m not sure what to suggest to actually help your kids.

But for you, my best suggestion is an after school mother’s helper/nanny. Just someone else who is experienced, ultra-calm, and strict who can just be there as another presence to help you out when you’re overwhelmed and help enforce some boundaries. I think this would help your family dynamic immensely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, I can relate to so much of the baggage both your families have. I have a violent, sensitive, suicide-attempt brother, college dropout sister, highly successful but emotionally messed up brother, probably narcissistic mother with severe violence/rage issues…this stuff messes you up. I get where both you and your husband are coming from.

I’m not sure what to suggest to actually help your kids.

But for you, my best suggestion is an after school mother’s helper/nanny. Just someone else who is experienced, ultra-calm, and strict who can just be there as another presence to help you out when you’re overwhelmed and help enforce some boundaries. I think this would help your family dynamic immensely.

PP-that sounds like a good idea! Maybe a high school kid babysitter coul give some attention to the hyper competitive extrovert.

OP, from the way you write, I can tell you're a really thoughtful and caring person. I wish you all the best in sorting through these complex issues. Hang in there....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here and thanks to everyone who responded with advice. I don't have time to respond to all, but it's much appreciated and I have actually taken notes.

You won’t cry tonight

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again - my husband says it's normal when I try to bring up getting some professional help.

He thinks it’s normal for children to scream at their mother and wish she would die?!

[Anonymous]

With all due respect, it sounds like you may want to dig a little more into your own family's history. That your dad was verbally and physically abusive is not normal. I get that your husband also brought his family mess to the table, but I think you're ignoring your own role here. I say that not to be a jerk, but to maybe help you understand how and why you're reacting the way you are. You weren't allowed to stray from being perfect as a child - that can have repercussions later in life. It's too late to do anything about having reproduced with your husband, but maybe talking to someone can help you learn some survival techniques based on your own childhood trauma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any other advice other than professional help? My husband is vehemently against it, and also the children would never in a million years cooperate. It’s a clusterfk just getting them to see a regular doctor.

Why don't YOU go? Also, your kids need to go. I don't know how old they are (maybe you said but your post was long and I forgot) but going to the doctor isn't optional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sending you hugs OP. I could have written a similar post. Which county do you live in? Some counties have better family support than others. Places to reach out to re: behavior you see at home include your pediatrician and school social worker. Finding the right specialists can be so hard without a specific diagnosis, but there is a whole world of people who help kids. Its a hard a lonely road (I'm on it myself), but know you are NOT alone.

Again, my husband is vehemently against putting anything in their medical records or talking about this with their pediatrician. I don’t think it’s a barrier I can overcome to get professional help for them.

And? It doesn't sound like he attends doctor's appointments. Are you really going to just not do something that you know is the right thing because when he decides to grace you with his presence he'll disagree with you. For crying out loud, these are your kids!

[Anonymous]

I cant stop reading this, dang the crazy just keeps happening.

OP I think its likely your kids have adhd or are on the spectrum in some way. They mask and push through school and use their intelligence to hide. But they are hurting. And they cannot be their best selves. They deserve help sooner rather than later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From co-regulation article linked above

Similarly, without coregulation, a child may experience dysregulation, such as outbursts or aggression, and develop a maladaptive coping strategy, such as emotion suppression, that results in internalizing issues.

Coregulation is, therefore, essential in helping a child create calming connections in their brain. Your calming energy is translated to your child’s calmness.

First, Self-Regulate
Parents’ self-regulation is an important part of co-regulation. Adults are role models for their children on how to control their emotions. [focus on yourself here, that is all you can control and 1 parent is enough to learn this]

It can be challenging to deal with a screaming, irrational child during acute tantrum episodes, especially if the situation has already triggered big feelings in you.

Calm your nervous system by taking deep breaths, clearing your mind, and using positive self-talk.

Your past experience, thoughts, and beliefs about emotions will affect how well you manage your emotions.

Be mindful of your own state of mind and stay in the presence.

If it becomes too difficult for you to control your emotions when your child is upset, seek professional help. In therapy, mental health professionals can assist you in identifying and addressing unresolved issues that could prevent you from being a calm, caring parent.

Reparenting yourself and helping heal your PTSD from an abusive childhood will first help you, then help your kids. Managing your feelings so you can stay calm, present, and connected will help them co-regulate to calmness. Disconnecting triggers anxiety and more of the behavior you find overwhelming so working on you and your PTSD is the first step.

DBT tools will help everyone.
https://www.mentalhealth.com/therapy/parenting-and-dialectical-behavior-therapy-and-emotions

This is really helpful. I'll work through some of this with my therapist, although we did do a bit of work in this area. Honestly, yesterday was a bad day, after what has been feeling like a very rough several weeks. I haven't been taking great care of myself, and I know I'm capable of self regulating myself, but I just didn't have it in me yesterday.

And at the moment, I'm struggling the most with our anxious, addictive, obsessive, sensitive, jealous, competitive, demanding, needing constant attention, big emotion child. On good days, this child can be sweet, charismatic, patient, kind, funny, fun-loving, but when things go even slightly off, whether it's sleep, or some other trigger, it's like a five alarm fire. There is no in-between. This child seems to be unable to tolerate even the slightest bit of discomfort - whether that comes from boredom, feeling rejected, or an upset tummy, without unleashing wrath and chaos to everyone around. This child is also constantly jockeying for the #1 position, no matter what - must have more than everyone else, is obsessively tracking every positive thing that their siblings get, and constantly comparing, and spends so much brainpower and memory on this one thing and I'm not sure what to do about it because I can see that the habit makes them so unhappy instead of grateful. This child is also always instigating, constantly goading other siblings to react by purposely annoying them, and then when they do, screams and acts like the victim. Needs constant entertainment and always wants to get their way on their time and cannot tolerate "losing".

The crazy thing is, on their own, one-on-one, when the other kids are away, this child is actually really pleasant to be around as long as you are paying attention to them. Also fine on playdates with their friends. This is true for all of them - although the other siblings are not as demanding in terms of attention. It may be a mismatch because this child is likely the only extrovert in a family of introverts. Refuses activities though, because of anxiety.

You need to get that kid a neuro psych eval, stat. I don't care what your husband thinks. Just do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If teachers are not reporting any problems, then it could be that this is a parenting issue. I hate to kick you while you're down, but is it possible your behavior is contributing to their outbursts? Diagnosis of most behavioral disorders requires evidence from multiple environments. If the only problem is the home, then the good news is that it might be fixable!

What kinds of strategies and techniques have you tried? Can you get a parenting coach for yourself?

Yes maybe. In many ways they are closer to my husband, because they are more alike. When they get angry at him, he throws it back at them. It’s a big chaotic screaming match. It sends me into shutdown mode. Same thing happens when my kids start screaming at me and then I need a day to recover.

I have tried many strategies and techniques but I honestly can’t remember right now. I’m in shutdown mode because I got screamed at today. I think I just need to get away for a while.

Have you posted about this before? About your kids saying they wish you'd die?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, I can relate to so much of the baggage both your families have. I have a violent, sensitive, suicide-attempt brother, college dropout sister, highly successful but emotionally messed up brother, probably narcissistic mother with severe violence/rage issues…this stuff messes you up. I get where both you and your husband are coming from.

I’m not sure what to suggest to actually help your kids.

But for you, my best suggestion is an after school mother’s helper/nanny. Just someone else who is experienced, ultra-calm, and strict who can just be there as another presence to help you out when you’re overwhelmed and help enforce some boundaries. I think this would help your family dynamic immensely.

PP-that sounds like a good idea! Maybe a high school kid babysitter coul give some attention to the hyper competitive extrovert.

OP, from the way you write, I can tell you're a really thoughtful and caring person. I wish you all the best in sorting through these complex issues. Hang in there....

DP here … Sadly, I don’t think this is as easy as it seems. All babysitters run from dysfunctional families where they witness yelling by adults (even if directed at someone else).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If teachers are not reporting any problems, then it could be that this is a parenting issue. I hate to kick you while you're down, but is it possible your behavior is contributing to their outbursts? Diagnosis of most behavioral disorders requires evidence from multiple environments. If the only problem is the home, then the good news is that it might be fixable!

What kinds of strategies and techniques have you tried? Can you get a parenting coach for yourself?

Yes maybe. In many ways they are closer to my husband, because they are more alike. When they get angry at him, he throws it back at them. It’s a big chaotic screaming match. It sends me into shutdown mode. Same thing happens when my kids start screaming at me and then I need a day to recover.

I have tried many strategies and techniques but I honestly can’t remember right now. I’m in shutdown mode because I got screamed at today. I think I just need to get away for a while.

Have you posted about this before? About your kids saying they wish you'd die?

i

Yes