Regrets about reproducing

[Anonymous]

Your children are neurodivergent. They need to be evaluated for autism and/or adhd and receive the appropriate treatments.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a lot—can’t your therapist make suggestions about parenting classes and ways to get help for your children?

When I was raising my kids, our state offered free parenting classes. I’ve seen free online classes through our school district—the library can also point you to more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Side thought. Are you close enough to DH's siblings that you can discuss what happened in their lives directly - how it felt to be them, how they wished they would be treated, how much sleep they needed as kids? Sounds like DH is the most functional so maybe info from the others would help.

From what you've said above, the suicide risk is the most frightening issue. My recommendation is that you delay phones and don't allow social media. It's quite possible for kids to do without social media.

I actually am pro-multi-player video gaming if the friend community is healthy. My kids play Roblox quest games and have met some intelligent, friendly kids from other parts of the world to socialize with. Gaming got my younger through a rough patch in middle school. So that's not necessarily a problem.

Another suggestion...when they are really angry, do you follow them and try to talk about feelings? Some people (my IL family) are better left alone to cool off. My family likes to continue engaging in discussion while angry. I've had to learn to not chase people around while arguing things out. Better to allow cool off and discuss another time.

Another thing...occasionally humor can defuse a screaming threat situation. Or a poker face. Maybe your kids are continuing to lash out at you because they can read your face and tell that they are making an impact.

You may have luck once the kids have hit developmental milestones....they may respond to the nurture. It seems hopeful to me that they are well-behaved at school. In my limited experience, kids that are disruptive at home are consistent in other environments.

Another thought...since they are smart, why don't you make them a no-screen play area with interesting things to send them to as a time-out. Like a science kit or workbench area. Maybe being sent somewhere in the house is enough of a signal to calm down and cut out whatever behavior.

Last thing that comes to mind...the "one of these things is not like the other" family situation that you are in. I lived in a FOO where mom was the "good girl" and dad and 2 kids were much more on the same wavelength.
I think you are really wise for reaching out for help. Your DH might want to avoid managing this situation because of bad memories. And you are the person least similar to your family members. So it makes a lot of sense for you to be collecting info and trying out techniques to find out what works best. Because you deserve to be happy and respected, but your loved ones may not be able to introspect enough to help you to learn how to manage them more successfully.

Wishing you luck and just want to say you're an attentive and good mom for starting down this path of inquiry.

Wow, thanks for your post. I’m hesitant to have those types of conversations with my husband’s siblings but I’ll give it some thought.

We are pretty strict about screens and video games. And it’s mostly because one of our kids cannot seem to handle it, because of his obsessive, addictive, and intense personality.

My go to is sending the kids to their rooms when they start screaming. But they have started refusing, and are getting too big for me to force or carry them upstairs. I really avoid engaging when they start screaming.

Try taking a time out yourself, I say, 'we can try again when we can talk calmly and I'm feeling upset right now." That works better for my anxious volatile kid who freaks out even more if I walk out without that promise of later connection and admitting I feel upset doesn't make her feel "bad." Then I go in my room, and do something I find soothing, a YT mediation video, yoga, listen to music and dance around, whatever. I have to be regulated so she can co-regulate from me.

I had a lot of PTSD from childhood too, and had to address it. I have also provided things that she finds soothing, a weighted blanket, journal, mini trampoline to jump on, etc. So she calms down, I calm down, then we try again. I also try for some kind of physical connection, holding hands, a hand on arm, touching knees while sitting, it seems to help ground and make more screaming less likely in the 2nd attempt. Sometimes going for a walk or bike ride and talking while moving is really helpful. But, before I could teach emotional intelligence and regulation, I had to learn it myself. And to work on healthy attachment styles. I did not learn that as a child myself so it has been very healing for me. I could not put the burden on them of not dysregulating me, they are kids and the bigger triggers were placed decades earlier.

[Anonymous]

So your husband yells at you and the kids. And, you wonder why the kids yell at you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are these kids?

You are projecting adult mental issues on kids who are not even teens yet. Come on OP!

Have you seen a doctor, therapist anyone or are you sitting at home blaming you DH's genes and giving up hope?

7, 9, 11. I get therapy for myself to help deal with these challenges. I also have scheduled a consultation session on my own with a child therapist and then have not followed through because my husband was very much against it.

He's not allowed to both not help and prevent you from getting help. Make a 50-50 schedule and tell him he will have to deal with it and make it work with his work unless he gets you help.

[Anonymous]

I find it very sad that you actually regret reproducing. My brother was a very difficult child with an exasperating tendency to cause lots of trouble. However, rather than blame my father's genetics which would have been reasonable my mother loved and cherished him for his wonderful qualities of which there were many. Some of his issues could rightfully have been blamed on my father's inept parenting but my mother also owned that since she chose him to father her children.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all the replies but want to say that a quick fix for the morning out-of-bed is the Philips Wake-Up Light alarm clock. It's on amazon. It changed our lives--immediately. I ended up getting one for DH and me and I still use it.

[Anonymous]

OP, you might be most helped by a therapist who specializes in trauma and family systems.

You have kind of recreated the past dynamics with your DH and kids as your dad.

Your DH raging and you cutting off connection to them to cope are both really scary for kids. The only one you can control is you. Find someone who does EMDR and see if that helps. It may be that medication can help make you less reactive while you do a DBT program, it is very helpful re: complex trauma.

Once you can manage your nervous system you can start helping the kids. They can't be responsible for you being so flooded/triggered that you lock yourself in your room, they are kids. They are not learning tools or healthy ways to manage their feelings because neither your nor DH know those things. Can't teach what you don't know. Start there. EMDR, DBT, meds for you to help modulate reactivity as a bridge as needed, even beta blockers.

I once was you and was very focused on everyone else. I thought if they did not trigger me so much all would be better. No progress was made until I started on the one I have control over, me. Once I started to get some traction re: regulation I started to see more possibilities rather than just being reactive. Sending worked up kids to isolation may help you but they are not learning the tools to manage feelings or relationships, rather than having strong feelings may lead to abandonment. They perceive DH as engaging. Remember the old saying it is better to be abused than neglected? Obv, neither is good but negative attention is better than a parent locked in a room to escape them to a child.

[Anonymous]

OP, sorry if I missed it, but what was your mom like when you were a child? Did she protect the kids from rage prone dad or ??? What were her coping strategies - did she drink, work too much, take to her bed, ???

Do you work, OP? It was a lifesaver for me when I had difficult and dysregulated young kids and a moody spouse. Even PT can give a sense or self, options, low key adult contact, etc.

[Anonymous]

This may mirror your experience, OP, and that of your kids, too.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/talking-about-trauma/201406/fragmented-child-disorganized-attachment-and-dissociation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again - my husband says it's normal when I try to bring up getting some professional help.

I decided not to have kids with a boyfriend who had adhd and depression and whose grandfather was bipolar. He also had alcoholism in his family. His brother also had some sort of undiagnosed mental health issues and his nephew was a handful.

I remember we watched silver lining playbook and I said something after about how sad all the mental illness in the movie was and he was like, what do you mean? That’s just normal, lots of people are like that. Yeah, not LOTS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sending you hugs OP. I could have written a similar post. Which county do you live in? Some counties have better family support than others. Places to reach out to re: behavior you see at home include your pediatrician and school social worker. Finding the right specialists can be so hard without a specific diagnosis, but there is a whole world of people who help kids. Its a hard a lonely road (I'm on it myself), but know you are NOT alone.

Again, my husband is vehemently against putting anything in their medical records or talking about this with their pediatrician. I don’t think it’s a barrier I can overcome to get professional help for them.

You are the one home with the kids. He can’t stop you from taking them to the doctor. Doctors don’t require the permission of two parents. Just one. Your kids need help and you need to get it for them.

I suspect he stays at work late to avoid the kids.

[Anonymous]

Its normal for him and not for you. There is no real "normal". There are people who function well in a specific society and families and those that don't. Marrying someone means accepting that their worldview gets to be counted. Yours in this case. Therapy is not dangerous and evaluation doesn't lead to some sort of black mark on the children. I think raising your voice at children and spouses beyond (hurry up we will be late" is unacceptable so that normal is not ok in my house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry but this is insane. Your husband thinks getting proper medical help or therapy for your kids is abuse? And instead of standing up for your children you lock yourself in your room? Your husband is actively abusing your children and you don’t GAF? You are both horrible parents and your lack of spine to even TALK to their pediatrician is disgusting.

You are letting your husband abuse your kids.
You refuse to stand up for your kids.
You are letting your husband abuse your kids.
Repeat until something fcking sticks in your brain.

I'm not going to go into his whole reasoning, but all I can say is that if you listened to my DH explain his reasons why he's against seeking therapy for our kids, there is a very good chance you'd be convinced. And I really think we all need to start drawing a clearer line as to what we call abuse, because it really dilutes the meaning of the word.

What's ironic is that DH used almost the EXACT same language as you have in the bolded above in responding to my pressure to seek therapy for our children.

Are you serious? I highly doubt I’d agree with someone against therapy and medical care for their own children, preferring to yell and scream at them instead. What the actual fck?

Your children are growing up to be abusive pieces of sht like their father. They will grow up to abuse their partners and children like their father. They will sit idly by while someone else abuses them. Because this is what you’ve taught them is normal and acceptable.

People who will not stand up to their spouses when their own children are being literally abused by a parent should not have children. It sounds like these three kids would be better in foster care than with either of you. Neither parent gives a fck about these poor kids.

[Anonymous]

They could use medication